Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is about to take a second wife and I need help knowing what to expect

man with multiple=

Asslaamu alakum sis or bro,

I have question about my husband.

Firstly my husband: his mobile does not work  and I told him to use my mobile and then a woman sent  my husband a text that says "honey how are u  honey? when will we get married?" and, "honey I missed u  and u promise me that to marry me."

Basically he promised her but he's too scared of me to ask me but ahumduillah Allah showed me that text and I was angry firstly and secondly I was ok with it but I trust him because he is hafiz Quran and he knows more knowledge then me.

I was thinking that woman is really poor and she loves him until now and she lived in Somalia in war and I asked my myself that I dont want to be against Allah and Allah allows husband to marry 4 wives, so I  encouraged my husband to marry a second wife and I was like it is haram to break a promise, I told my husband and he was very happy to hear about it but please give me advice.

jzk assalaamu alkum

- khadija56

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15 Responses »

  1. Dear sis in Islam,It was great of u to think so kindly about the other woman and let ur husband marry her. U r fulfilling Allah's ahkam u have a lot of iman, Alhamdulillah. But marriage is no joke, ur husband will be bound to her for the rest of ur life, if u are strong enough not to be overpowered by jealousy n heart break, let him go forward,otherwise think twice, do istikhara n then decide.Basically, my point of view is that u being the 1st wife, give respect, take respect, from the second one. if u decide to be hostile, then the whole world seems hostile n against u. May Allah help u n do what is right for u in the best of His knowledge. بلخير والعافية

  2. in my case,i am experiencing now about the point that my husband want to get marry for the sake of our children thats what he said,i told him to do whats make him happy and comfort but deep in my heart i was againt it.its feels like i am throwing myself in hell.specially now some woman always sending message and both exchanging txt message.i feel like going crazy whenever this is just hopping that allah to makes me strong in islam,anyway, iam one from those who imbrace islam.

  3. A married man is not allowed to have relation with another woman. Its true that a man is allowed to have 4
    wives but if u object to it u'll not be against Allah. Don't encourage him to marry a second wife because it may
    ruin ur life and then u can do nothing. Ask urself and ur hasband what u lack that he wants a second wife.
    If u really lack something important then its another case.

    • i think he has point of getting marry again,we both not in our country he was from egypt and im from philippines.he said the reason was to stay forever here in madina.but i am not sure if thats really the reason.he said he is happy in our marriage living with me and my children.he wants to take saudi citizen and thats the only way to keep us here forever.however im not sure if i am doing the rigth thing.

  4. as-salamualaikum,
    dear sister, ok your husband is hafiz-e-quran, great mashallah, but that doesn't mean he's a good muslim. i don't know your husband, i'm sorry. but i think that i agree with the fact that he can NOT have relationships outside of marriage. it is haram . he is apparently having relations outside of marriage with this woman, although i don't know too much detail. next thing is, will you be able to live with the fact that he is having sexual relations with another wife? that he is spending time with her? that he loves her? that maybe he loves her more than you maybe? that she is more beautiful than you maybe? think about it practically. you are going to live everyday of your life like this. plus it is illegal in some countries to have more than one wife. another thing is, how will he financially support the two of you equally? and when you both have children, how will he support the housing, food, clothing, schooling, and all other needs of everyone? you seem likwe a nice girl mashallah, and naive. what if the next wife is a shrewd woman who turns him against you? he won't even know what happened, but he will start disliking you, if that is the case. i know from experience. there was a married man who had a religious and naive wife. he never had any haram relationship with the other woman, but he turned against his wife because of her shrewdness. he doesn't support his wife, or stand up for her, and believes everything told to him about his wife. when the wife says something, he calls her a liar.

    • You are jumping to conclusions. I don't condone the way this man has kept this secret or approached this matter. But there's no evidence that he is having sexual relations outside of marriage. That is a serious accusation to make. It was more correct when yu said, "I don't know too much detail."

      Also, the fact that you had a bad experience, or that someone you know had a bad experience, does not mean that everyone will have a bad experience with polygamous marriages. You have mentioned so many dangers and drawbacks, apparently in an attempt to scare the sister out of this situation, even though she has mostly accepted it out of kindness and compassion for the other woman.

      Personally I am a one-woman man. But Allah has allowed polygamy, and therefore we must accept its existence as an institution (in the countries where it is legal), and we should not make it out to be an evil institution, nor automatically find fault with it or try to talk everyone out of it. If Allah allowed it then there is benefit in it, especially in certain situations and circumstances, and when its rights and duties are met.

      Wael Editor

      • Wael -- thank you for saying what you said. I am Hebrew and not Muslim and multiple wives is allowed by The Living God -- in both books -- and that should not be ignored.
        For those of us that are strong enough...

        Thank you again!!

  5. i never said sexual relations outside of marriage, i meant relations outside of marriage-like a dating thing even. yes i know it is allowed and in some cultures it is acceptable even. i was not scaring her out of it, i am a woman and i would NOT be able to stand my husband having another wife. i have read stories of women who were in polygymous relationships, but again they were comming from monogymous cultures. there are polygymous cultures out there who think very differently and are okay with it. even when the order for having four wives came out it was a limit and people had to leave their many wives as people had many many wives-way more than four. i am mentioning practical things. i am not trying to scare her out of it, but maybe she didn't think of the financial aspect? how will he support the two and their kids? you don't want to be thinking about this when the the kids are already here, yes i know rizek is from allah and it is written down for each child, but you also have to think about this thing practically like how will he take care of two families. i have also read from a sister who herself asked her husband to bring in another wife, but later realized what she had not. there were feelings of jealousy, which are always there in women especially as co-wives but some women cannot live like that. i know the male creature is different than a woman, and has polygymous tendencies, but humans are not perfect and what if the husband is not fair to them both? what if the other wife is not fair? you can't throw yourself in something so serious without thinking about it first.

  6. anyways, i'm not related to you and am married so i try not to reply to the males too much like this.

    • About the "relations", my mistake, I misunderstood you.

      But regarding communicating with males on this website, if you have some personal dislike of communicating with men that's your prerogative. But it has no basis in Islam, and I would not want other readers to think that it does. This is a public forum, with no private communication, no face-to-face contact, no voice contact, no real names (unless one chooses), and dedicated purely to Islamic discussion. There is no immodest talk, no seductive speech, no improper gazes, and no chance of meeting or developing any sort of improper relationship.

      Furthermore, there is a long history in Islamic scholarship of women learning from men, and of men learning from women. Aishah bint Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with her) is an example. After the death of the Prophet (pbuh), men and women used to come to Aishah (ra) to ask questions about the habits and sayings of the Prophet (pbuh). Historically, Islamic studies groups were often mixed-gender, going all the way back to the lectures of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in the masjid, which were attended by women, and during which women used to speak out loud to ask questions.

      To take a few examples, an early female scholar named 'Amra was specially recognized for her authority on traditions related by A'isha. Among her many notable students was Abu Bakr ibn Hazm, the celebrated judge of Medina, who was ordered by the caliph Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz himself (sometimes known as the last of the rightly-guided caliphs) to write down all the traditions known on her authority.

      Zaynab bint Sulayman (d. 142/759) gained a reputation as one of the most distinguished women traditionists (narrators of hadith) of the time, and counted many important men among her pupils. Almost without any exception, the compilers of major collections of hadith also lists a good number of women traditionists and scholars as their teachers.

      There are many other examples throughout Islamic history, and not restricted to Islamic scholarship either. Was Khadijah (ra) immoral in hiring the trustworthy young Muhammad bin Abdillah (pbuh) to work for her (which obviously would have required communication between them)? Of course not. She was an unmarried woman supporting herself in the proper means available to her, and there was no loss of respect in that.

      Men and women are each half the population of the world, and if they are not to communicate with each other about matters of importance, including religion, science, the needs of society, and even simple commerce and trade, then we are all in trouble. Such a world would be schizophrenic and dysfunctional, a Taliban-type of society where women are to remain out of sight and uneducated. Some cultures may want that, but it is not rooted in Islam at all.

      Wael Editor

  7. Salaam my Sister,

    I think it is amazing mashaAllah that you have the strength to reach out to another woman and share your husband with her, and save her from a war torn area in this manner. You are also saving your husband from sin, by allowing him to have a halal relationship with her in marriage instead of as adultery. I have heard from many women who have found themselves in a polygamous situation and didn't want to be in one, however this is the first time I have heard of a woman initiating polygamy for the sake of another woman.

    The most common negative reports of a second wife entering life are of jealous of differences in time / money / love / affection between the wives. Many women report feelings of isolation, loneliness or fear of losing their husband as naturally, the husband is now a newly wed person again, and will go through all of the newly wed emotions, feelings and behaviours which can hurt the feelings of the first wife. Some women have also reported that there is a difference in the status: the first wife most commonly feeling neglected, or unloved in comparison to the new wife. Some reports are of a very stressed husband, fights, arguments and pressure to sustain both women equally.

    The most common positive reports of a second wife entering a household are when the first wife has agreed and welcomed the new addition to the family. Positive reports are that the first wife acquires a friend, a sister - a person to share duties and chores with, help with the children, help with other duties and someone to keep them company. No more being alone in the house, there is always company there with you. A woman is different to a man, so women have that deep emotional understanding, support, sympathy and empathy that they have for each other.

    If you feel ready to share your husband with a new wife, know that there will be natural initial stage where he will be a newly wed with her, so be prepared for that. If you are sharing a home, sleeping arrangements will have to be decided, and if you are in separate homes, then financial arrangements will need to be decided.

    InshaAllah, you will gain a family member and be happy together.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  8. This is social and religious forum where I have learnt much. I like to set forth a real situation in which a wife - a close relative to me, allowed her husband to marry a second wife. The reason being she was misused and physically neglected by her own husband. To avoid her husband's unending demands and get her medical treatment supported by her parents, she allowed her to decide so. Do you think it is Islamic and socially acceptable to the individual who loved her husband too much and took care of him and his children ! Somehow she feels excluded and all the way dejected. What is the comment you people make on it.

    Thanks and regards to all brothers and sisters.

  9. salamo3alaikom

  10. He and you should first do istikhaarah.

    May Allah benefit you all in this life and the next in your decision.

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