Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband just told me he is already married and living with his wife and child

I'm a new Muslim who converted to Islam 2 months ago. I married my boyfriend/father of my child of 3 yrs on the same day. He is a Muslim but wasn't practising, although he is now. He confessed a few days ago that he has a 2 yr old child and wife living with his parents, where he also lives.

Obviously I was devastated at being lied to for so long. I wanted to divorce him at first, but now I've realised although I didn't know at the time of marrying him the situation, I should try to work through this.  He doesn't love his wife, or her him, it was arranged, they sleep in seperate beds an barley talk.

What should I do to try and resolve this?

His parents don't want them to divorce as its shame on the family?

Good advice please.

- tw

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5 Responses »

  1. One very good piece of advice would be: Try to make as many enquiries as possible about the person

    you intend to marry. Go into his neighbourhood and ask the people close to him.

    My favourite verse in the Qu'ran: God will only change the situation of the people until they

    make an effort themselves.


    • Jannah, your advice would be helpful to someone else contemplating a relationship, but it's not so helpful to this sister to tell her what she should have done.

      Wael Editor

  2. tw, As-salamu alaykum. Congratulations on coming into Islam. It's such an opening for the soul and the heart. I always remember the words of Raba'i Bin 'Amer, when he replied to the Commander in Chief of the Persian army, Rustum. Rustum asked, "For what purpose have you come?" Raba'i answered," Allah has sent us to bring anyone who wishes from servitude to men into the service of Allah alone, from the narrowness of this world into the vastness of this world and the Hereafter, from the tyranny of religions into the justice of Islam."


    Unfortunately your first experience with a Muslim has not been good. Your husband has lied to you and deceived you. The fact that he does not love the other wife or spend time with her (so he claims) does not make things better. It just means that he is unkind to her and not giving her justice as a wife. She cannot be happy in that situation.

    I'm sorry to say that I don't have a good solution for you. I would like to say, "Divorce him, he is a liar and cannot be trusted." But you have a child together.

    It would also be unfair to demand that he divorce the other woman, as he has a child with her as well, and she has done nothing wrong, it's not her fault that he lied to you for so long.

    In the end your options are clear:

    1. Accept that you now live in a polygamous marriage. Forgive your husband and make it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate any future lies from him. Don't make any demands that he not spend time with the other wife. She has rights on him as well. You must allow him to spend equal time with her, be intimate with her, and treat her as a wife should be treated. She is a part of his life now.


    2. Divorce him.

    You know your own heart, you know what you can accept and what you cannot. I think only you can decide which of these choices is appropriate for you.


  3. You are in denial get out

  4. The fact he talks I'll of them first wife speaks a lot of his personality. Also adding he lied to u and didn't allow u to think for yourself if u wanted to enter the plural marriage is sneaky a d shows he only thinks for himself.
    U have a lot to think about. But remember he hasn't shown he is kind to the first wife, he can do it to u. If he told u hedoesnt love her what do u think he told her of u?
    I have a sister friend who entered into a plural marriage. Her husband never spoke I'll of the first wife. In fact he told her he loved her and had room for more if she joined the family. She has been married 11 yrs. And never has he spoken I'll of the first wife. She loves it. It makes her feel he doesn't speek I'll of her.
    Any man who talks of the other wife I'll will do the same to u. He lied to u.
    Now......what would i do in ur situation?
    I would be sooooooooooohurt and sooooooooooohurt mad. I wouldn't be able to trust him. But i would sit m down and inform him he hurt me. I would make him see his ways were selfish. I would tell him i don't want him to burn inthe he'll fire and he has to be fare to both. I would insist he be kind and spend time with the other one and the kid. I would tell him i will be watching him. He had a trial period of some sort. And if he couldn't pull it off I would ask for divorce. Also.........not one cent or not even one pound would i spend on bills or house. This man wants to have two is his right. But it is ur right to be fully supported. Don't pay for anything. Save ur money for if u do leave him.

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