My husband is having a relationship with his parents instead of me
My husband is Muslim and I am Christian. When we got married, I converted to Islam just to please him only to realize that it was a mistake. He told me that I just needed to convert to please his parents but didn't need to practice the religion. I tried however to pray and practice the religion but did not get any fulfilment. He had some control issues, had bad temper and did not embrace my culture.
The bad temper ceased when the law enforcement forced him to take anger management classes. He has now shut down on me. He is responsible (pays the bills, house and car) and is a good father to our children. However, I do not count on it. He tells me that I should be grateful that I have a roof, food and able to go to school while unemployed now (have lost my job a year ago). He now goes to work and talks to his parents everyday on skype about everything in his life and mine.
I am a neglected wife who is told to be happy because of food and shelter. My husband spends his days at work and home and does not carry a conversation with me except when he wants to tell me what is wrong in the house or what I should not do. It is only after talking to his parents that his mood changes and he becomes very happy in the house. I have tried talking to him about how I felt and how we were growing a part but his responses are " that I disrespected him" by not doing what we had planned! Being Muslim! He wants me to be a Muslim in order to have a relationship with him.
I am a happy Christian and believer! I thought that I could wait for the kids to be 18 before I divorce but now I am exhausted! I have no life with him! His parents don't understand that their relationship with him is hindering ours. We have tried counseling but in vain. I am the one always trying to bring him to talk about issues but he takes it in the wrong way. Or he will change for two months and go back to normal. He is very comfortable ignoring me and minding about his life. He has only one friend and we do not visit other families.
Please advice,
- Awa
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Hi Awa,
I feel bad you found yourself in such unhappy situation. However to be honest with you I dont understand why you would convert to Islam only to marry your husband.
I am a convert myself and even though I got some of my knowledge from someone i wish to marry soon inshaAllaah - I believe the choice of Religion is way too important to be done for another person. You have to truly believe and with conviction accept Allaah (swt) as the Only God and Muhammad (saw) as his prophet. I recognize the blessing of my Lord to be guided to the right path Alhamdulillah.
Anyways I think your conversion from the start wasn't a sincere one and therefore the the beginning of your problems.
I think your husband thought that once you accept Islam and try to follow it in everyday life you will see that it is the only true Religion. However you changed your mind and I'm sure your husband felt disapointed to say the least.
As to his relationship with his parents: well in Islam parents are very important to every good Muslim. Maintaining a good relationship with them as well as making them happy and proud is high on a list. Not to forget the importance of helping them in old age.
The reason your husband is having good relations with his parents is also on grounds of Islam. He doesn't have that with you and most likely it is the reason of him being distant from you.
My advice to you would be getting some more knowledge on Islam, going to Jummu'ah prayers on Friday, making some friends with good Muslim sisters at the Masjid inshaAllaah.
If you try your best and deep in your heart you dont feel like this is the Religion for you - then Talk to your husband about it and see what you both can come up with.
Communication within marriage is very important as well as both sides giving an effort.
InshaAllaah you'll be guided to the straight path and when/if you are a true believer and you sincerely pray to God - He will make it easier for you.
I hope that helps.
Allaah knows best!
PS. Appreciate what your husband provides for you as there are women out there where they are not only treated worse but also have money, food and shelter issues.
Assalamu Aleikum Awa,
I don't agree with Hafsa. If this man really attends anger management classes, he has a problem as a person
and it is very difficult to live with such a man. Even if you didn't find fulfilment in the religion, there is no reason
to become angry with you, scream at you or behave disrespectfully. Unfortunately, many Muslims have
problems to find a compromise between culture and religion, and our prophet tried to give us an Islamic identity
apart from cultural customs and habits. But this is still a problem and rage and a bad temper can't solve this
problem. If you became Muslim in order to marry him, then this is of course not right, but with good akhlagh
and good manners people can be drawn towards the faith. Your husband is currently doing the opposite.
Salatul Rahem, or severing family ties, is very important in the religion. This includes inquiring regularly
about the state of health of others, helping them financially or listening to their concerns. It doesn' t mean
telling your parents details about your marital life and talking about problems, what your husband is doing.
In Islam, two spouses should be a garment for each other, and have a safe haven of peace and tranquillity.
Garment means you have flaws and mistakes and nobody knows of them except from your spouse.
His behaviour is childish and unfair. You are his wife and not his mummy.
Dear Sister: Whatever he's doing wrong, don't leave this faith. For Muhammad, our holy prophet, s.a.v.a.v.s,
has been sent as a mercy to mankind, and irrespective of your nationality, this religion will always bring
you peace and comfort if not distorted by others.
Your husband has the duty to provide for you. He doesn't do you a favour by earning money and normally,
women in Islam are in charge of their husband's financial affairs. This is his duty and responsiblity.
The woman doesn't even have to do the housework(although recommended) it's not her duty. She can
charge money from her husband or tell him to employ a servant. This doesn't mean you should do the same,
or stop doing the chores, I just want to show you how much this religion elevated the status of women.
Of course there are people out there who are much worse,beat their wives, curse their wives or even
don't have money at all. But he is not supposed to show you anything but perfect akhlagh.
Having doubts about the faith is not a reason to get a bad temper, and I don't think your doubts are the
reason for his wrath. No, I think he has cultural problems and can't seperate from his family , to become
an independent man. Skyping every day is not normal. Maybe every second day, but every day is far too
much. He is missing his culture, but he has to understand that the religion is more important; if he
builds an Islamic relationship with you, he won't miss his family that much. You both have to know if you
want that or not.
Sit down with him and explain to him his duties as a husband; Show him that you know your duties as a wife.
If he wants that , that's fine. If it doesn't work, then file for divorce. Divorce him, but please not our faith.
See him as a chance of having found the right path.
By the way: You don't have the duty to work. So he doesn't have the right to reproach you for that.
Don't let him destroy your confidence. Before you even think of divorce, try everything. Consult
an Islamic marriage counsellor, and try to overcome the cultural gap. If nothing helps, you know what to
do. Open your eyes next time. It's also partly your fault that you ended up in that situation. If you had studied
Islam more thoroughly, informed yourself meticulously about the faith and your rights, you would have
chosen a partner for faith. Only because someone calls himself a Muslim, doesn't mean he is a proper
Muslim.
Jazakallah and good luck dear Sister
Assalamu alaykum,
I agree with Naji. Perhaps I didn't address all the details of the posted question. I guess i noticed the most obvious to me and just wanted to give my opinion and advice.
I must of slipped the part abt anger management. And with that def it isnt right for him to take his anger out on his wife or show her any kind of disrespect.
I think i was just very taken back by the idea of converting for the husband as oppose to for the right reasons.
For that narrow assessment I apologize.
The advice of Naji was very good MashaAllaah.
However marriage is not to be taken lightly and both spouses need to do their best to reach a mutual understanding.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women. because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) do not share their beds, (and last) beat (tap) them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all). (4:34)
as to divorce - let it be your last resort option.
I'd strongly suggest getting more knowledge abt Islam and rights and duties of both husband and wife.
Praying to Allaah (swt) is very helpful.
I heard a saying once at a Jummu'ah Khutba: "If you walk to him (Allaah swt) he will run to you".
I thought it was so beautiful SubhanaAllaah. it is very true all of us Muslims need to show an effort and ask for guidance and help from our Creator and one way of another our prayers will be heard InshaAllaah.
Allaah knows best!