My Husband is unemployed and I am feeling less loving towards him
Jobless.
As sulaamu aleykum,
Inshallah someone will be able to help me with sound advice. I have been married for a year. My husband lost his job right before we were married maashallah. I tried to be supportive and patient but being stressed out from working full time and moving into a new home had caused me to have a bit of a bad attitude with him.
I also had to allow my young daughter to live wtih my ex because he didn't want his daughter growing up under another man. My husband encouraged me to give custody of my daughter to my ex as well. This also made me sad so I didn't have a very pleasant attitude in the beginning of our marriage.
Then we started having fights because I found out he was talking to his ex girl friend on the phone I had bought him and I was paying monthly for.
He said he had a right to talk to her and that she could be his potential second wife. I presented divorce to him but he didn't want divorce and said that he loves me very much Alhamdulillah. We would go a short while and not fight and things would be okay but I would start feeling like I was being taking advantage of and then I would try to express my feelings to him for reassurance but he would get really mad and we would fight, then he started getting physically aggressive with me. Pushing me to the floor, grabbing my throat, telling me I should just shut up. I found out that he wasn't looking for work or submitting any resumes and It made me depressed. I can barely afford anything. The only time he would be really cheerful is if I gave him money but when I don't give him money or take him out to eat he gets distant and doesn't talk or want to go out with me anywhere. He gets mad and defensive if I try to talk about him working or getting a job.
Maashallah things have gotten better after Ramadhan. We fight less mostly because now I don't talk about my feelings very much anymore and I try to smile more, but most of the time I am faking. He said that he wants to find a job and he wants to pay me back for everything and buy me gifts. But I'm scared that he'll just get a job and either leave or be selfish with me. He still doesn't go out anywhere with me and we don't talk much except about what he is interested in. I am becoming bored in the relationship. I asked if he was still talking to his ex and he got mad at me and said he will always be friends with her no matter what. I feel like I am changing everything for this man but he is unwilling to change for me. Talking about anything about our relationship, even if it is positive makes him depressed. He says that I should be okay with working and providing and that if he wasn't here I would have to do it anyway. He also said that the reason he can't/won't work is because I have a bad attitude and that I am not pleasant with him.
But I really try to be pleasant with him, I'm just so stressed from having to be the sole financial support of the household. I also do most of the cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping alone. I am worn out and tired and sad most of the time. I am now feeling less loving towards him although he still shows me affection. I am starting to not care and I don't feel like sharing my money anymore or paying anymore bills or buying food. I want to buy something nice for my daughter now. I am trying to be patient. I am trying so hard to be patient. I don't want divorce because I love my husband and he loves me and I am scared to try and re marry because I feel like all men are going to be this way: want me to work and do everything. Please tell me, do you think that my husband is using me for my resources? Do you think I should be patient and wait to see how he acts when he does have income? I am becoming so fed up with him not working and helping in my home. I don't feel like sharing anymore, but I know this will make him love me even less.
Please give advice inshallah.
Thank you.
-Asha
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Hello sister, after reading your post I can tell you that I'm in the exact situation as you expert for a few differsnces, I work and support myself with no help from my husband, he cheats with other women. But he isn't abusive hitting me or anything it's enough the mental abuse. I can tell you if you allow it to go on to long it will stay like that and not change. He is the man and should be the provider. If you don't mind helping out for a while that's fine but he needs to find a job soon or I would kick him out.
Salaams,
From what it sounds like to me, your relationship has very poor (if any) boundaries. I personally feel that there is also no excuse for violent behavior (pushing you, grabbing your throat), although these are just more examples of someone who has a lack of respect for boundaries. Yet, in most cases, a relationship with poor boundaries is not just because of someone who didn't respect them, but because the other party never clearly defined them.
You mentioned that you felt stressed initially when he lost his job and moved in together after marrying. That's understandable. However, as time has gone on, he is still unemployed, you have left the care of your daughter to your ex at his behest (even though you didn't want to), and he is talking to his ex and considering taking a second wife. I think the reason you are bored and frustrated is because all of these things violate what you feel should be happening, but nowhere in your post did I see you mention where you spelled out your expectations of him at the beginning of the marriage, so you both would know when something crosses a line or not. As it is, he is making choices, and you are reacting to his choices, but neither of you are going anywhere relationship-wise.
Fortunately, it's not too late to define the parameters of the relationship. You need to take some time to sit down and think about what you expect of him, and write those things down. Mark the things that are "dealbreakers", meaning if they occur you will not stay with him. A good example of one of those might be him putting hands on you, or cheating on you. Some other general ones you can include would be him doing something every day to look for a job, him giving you time to talk about things that concern you in the marriage (without getting mad or feeling attacked), him doing things around the house while he is not working to equal out the responsibilities between you two, him not looking for another wife, him not talking to non-mahrem females (even an ex), etc.
Once you've clarifed what you will accept and what you won't, you must communicate it to him. If he balks, or tries to make you accept anything with no boundaries or otherwise change your mind, or gets upset at you in any way, then that would indicate a lack of respect toward you. In general, a marriage cannot survive if there is not a fairly equal amount of respect and trust each partner has with the other. If he can't respect you, then you can't trust him, and the marriage will continue to deteriorate.
Insha'Allah, he will be open to setting some boundaries with you. It would even be appropriate for him to communicate some of his own, which may include you not looking in his personal things, you only talking to him about his employment status once a week, you agreeing to drop a conversation if it's becoming to stressful for him and talk about it later, etc.
Once the boundaries are agreed upon and understood, then you need to have consequences for them. Here's an example:
You can tell him, "I don't like the way you get upset with me and speak to me in a degrading manner. I want you to speak nicely to me, even when you're angry. If you can't do so, then I expect you to walk away before saying something hurtful. If you continue to talk to me in a degrading way, I will walk away from you at that time. I will not subject myself to verbal abuse."
The biggest part of having a boundary is letting someone know what YOU will do if they violate it. There's no point in setting up parameters you aren't going to bother enforcing them. All that does is communicate to others that you are not serious, and can be taken for granted and treated any kind of way. Enforcing your boundaries shows others that you value yourself and deserve respect from others; and they will either give you that respect or give you cause to move along from them. But the key thing here is also being committed to that enforcement. You can't chicken out on it once the time comes. That also sabotages the whole effort. For instance, if he did start speaking to you badly, and you had told him previously you would walk away when that happens but you don't, then you are telling him (subtly) that you're a doormat to his tirades. That doesn't help you, and it doesn't hold him accountable.
I think if you will try what I suggested then in the coming months you will have the answer to your questions of whether he is using you or worth being patient with. In a nutshell, someone who is truly valuing you and your sacrifices will recognize that healthy boundaries help both of you individually, as well as your marriage overall, and will have no problem working toward maintaining them with you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam o alekum sister amy, I have an important question , What should i do in situations where my inlaws take me for granted, I feel like if i go back to my country id be given causes to move along with them which would cause problems between me nd my husband :(.................
I have a big problems undelt. Iam totaly isolated right now in my parents house. I have become mentaly ill nobody to talk to, I hatemyself, My husband has gone out of his mind with me, I still love him, but i cant get along with him anymore. We have 2 children im fearing he might divorce me.~
I did write a post 1 month ago or so about my situation.
I have done so many mistakes which i regret. 🙁
Plzz someone help me :(:(
Thank you so much Sister Amy,
I have tried this method in regards to him taking a second wife. I told him that I will not stay with him if he takes a second wife and is unable to fulfill my rights. We fought viciously over this topic. I told him I respect his beliefs that he is allowed up to four wives but I will not participate in polygamy if my rights are not fulfilled. He fought me and put his hands on me.... after he calmed down he told me that I will never have to worry about this because he will never put me into a situation like that. He is looking for work now but only in his field of interest, he won't take a regular job like FedEx or UPS temporarily until he can get the job he wants. He told me if he has to work, he will only go to work and come home and focus on himself. He will not give me any attention or affection if he is out working. I say how is this fair!? When I am working I am still expected to come home and put a smile on my face and embrace him and show love. But he says if he works he will not show me any love. I am starting to feel like he really doesn't love me. He is confusing me saying he loves me and wants to work and provide and then getting mad at me when I tell him I am so stressed out from working fulltime and trying to be a wife. I am so confused, I do not know my role anymore. He choked me on Monday again because I'm so tired and crying and stressed before going to work. Then he says he will abandon me because he can't take my "mood swings"... I always think that I should divorce him. I told him that we should divorce and he says give me a few months to get on my feet. Then he convinces me to stay with him or I decide to stay with him because I love him very much and he keeps saying he wants to do all this good for me. I know Sis Amy, if i try this boundary thing again he's just going to get mad at me because I am discussing our relationship and he doesn't want to discuss our relationship anymore. He doesn't want to talk about anything having to do with him not working, me being stressed, or our relationship in general. He says he just wants to exist. I married so that I could have a family and be a wife. He says that I am wrong to expect him to provide for me, that if that's what I want then I need to find a brother who will provide for me. Its so hard just to divorce this guy. How do I walk away? and once I finally decide to divorce how do I get him out of my house? Yaa Allah help me.
Salaams,
If he is still actively abusing you (you said he choked you day before yesterday), there is no debate about the other things. You should separate from him immediately. To be honest, him needing time to get himself together or get a job etc doesn't make a difference. He still has the same time to do that with or without you in his life. Perhaps having you out of his life will help him realize the effect his choices are having on his own life and make him care more about HIMSELF, which in turn will perhaps inspire him to value others.
You mentioned UPS/FexEx, so I assume you are in the US. You had asked about how to go about getting him out of your house. Simply, get a restraining order. His physical actions merit it for sure. Once you have a restraining order, the police will remove him and his belongings if he refuses to leave on his own. I suggest, given his history, that you have someone with you (preferably a male relative) when you ask him to leave. If he refuses, call the police and they will do what's needed. From that point, if you want to file for a divorce you can.
Yes, you deserve, and have the Islamic right to be taken care of by your husband. He may say he loves you, but his abusive actions negate that. You might have a hard time making these changes because you feel love for him, but when it comes down to it you have to love yourself more. You deserve all the care, attention, and safety he is not providing, so love yourself and provide it to yourself. There is nothing wrong with that, and the more you do it the more this relationship will come into focus and the easier it will become to deal with him in a healthier way and end things as needed.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Bismillahir rahmanir raheem ,assalam o alaykum wr wb
As usual i will advice bluntly and straight as u said that u dont want to marry and i can understand ur place .so for things to grt better imvilve elders from uour family and if u think they arent going to benefit of any sort then ask local masjid imam for help because HE DONT REALISE THAT WHAT HE DO IS WRONG UNLSS HE DONT FEEL THAT HE WONT AMEND . AND FOR THAT HE NEED A PIECE OF ADVOCE FROM RELIGIOUS PERPECTIVE AS HE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT HE HAS OBLIGATION TOWARDS HIS FAMILY WHICH IS IMP. PART OF BEING A MUSLIM.
AM WAITING FOR UR REPLY .PLEASE APPEND ON THIS
Salam Sister,
To be blunt, your husband is a bum. What self respecting man sits home and whines that he can't find work? It's one thing when a husband and wife choose to work outside the home in agreement, it's another thing altogether to marry a man who has no desire to work or put anything into the relationship. Your husband should be taking care of you, providing for you. That is your right and his obligation.
You state that he loves you however he can find time to talk to an ex lover but can't find that very same time to look for work? Where is the love there? Sounds to me like the sofa has just gotten way too comfortable for your husband.
You've been married a year too long in my book. I would give him an ultimatum...he either get up and out and find work or tell him to pack his bags and go home to his parents. It's obvious that he lacks the maturity that is required to fill the role of a husband and provider. No wonder your losing respect for him, I lost it the moment I read your post.
Sorry to rant but I simply have no respect for a man who will not provide for his family and use the excuse that he can't find work. There is work out there. It might not be exactly what one wants, but if it puts food on the table and helps pay the bills, it's better than sitting back and allowing one's wife to do it all. Yala teef.
Salam
Sister
i agree with Amy and Najah. He is definitly using you for money and also as a maid. this is heaven for him as he is living with you like a teenager. you are doing everything for him!. He is keeping you sweet by being affectionate so that you believe he loves you and you never leave!. THats his game. Believe me i have been through the exact same with my husband. You need to stand up to him and be firm. tell him its his resposibilty to provide and you are not happy paying bils. dnt take any of his excuses. cook and pay for only the bare necesseties. dnt give him a penny. spend your money on yourself and your daughter mot on this excuse of a man. tell him since his looking for a job he needs to help out with the housework. cut the mobile line off. if he wants a phone he has to pay for it himself. tell him straight that you will not a doormat anymore and you want all your rights as a muslim wife.
i hope he changes and treats you right inshallah