Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband is not thankful

Angry husband, no love, husband turning away

Asalamoalikum,

 

I am a 32 yr old woman with a 2.5 year old daughter.  I got my nikkah in Pakistan in 2011 just to make my mom happy, I initially did not like my husband very much.  I came to Canada after Nikka and i tried to break it off but family intervened and it did not happen.  I tried to open my heart for him and kept a lot of distance the first few years.  He came to canada in 2013 and we had fights i was not interested in intimacy but then i made dua that Allah protect me from committing sin. I have grown fond of him but we still had arguments because he will not forget the old rejection.  A few years have passed and things got better when my daughter was born, but now he always complains about money problems, i was working before marriage and he hinted that he might not come back when and if goes to Pakistan or he does not know when he will come back and i would have to make do with whatever he send me from Pakistan.  Realistically speaking i know the money he would send would not be enough to cover the bills here in canada, thus my insistence on working again.

We live with my mom because we have our house up for rent.  We all work and most of the time or not at home during the day and he works night shifts.  I put my daughter to day care 3 times a day and he complains about my being a selfish mom because i chose to work and leave her at daycare and i am all about money.  I have been making major decisions or pushing him to make decisions like buying and renting and all his focus and energy is to go back to Pakistan.  I feel he does not care for the future of our daughter.  HE never discusses with me about our daughter's education and when i ask him he says oh i have this and this planned. He never asks me how my day went or how our daughter's day care went.  HE wants me to go to pakistan with him which i have no problem with.  I got 5 weeks off from work and he is like Am i more important or your job?  Why cant you quit?  Or he would say if you wont go for a month i will go alone and never come back.. and he said why is he spending so much money on tickets when you(me) are only going for 5 weeks.  I want my daughter to spend time with her maternal grandparents but his attitude makes  me think hes only thinking of himself.  When i ever i ask him to  work more so i have access to funds when he is in pak he says do u want me to work all my life?  I never ask him for my personal expense because my job pay covers it.  He doesnt like to go out with me much because he doesnt have money allegedly.  He only comes to me or thats what i feel is when he wants to get intimate.  I am never satisfied.

So i feel i am just there to cater to his needs and do things his way, and all his focus is on his trip to pakistan and doesnt care how we will manage between the time he is not in canada.  I dont even know if he will ever come back.  Am i being paranoid?  How am i supposed to treat him?  I dont feel like talking to him sometimes because his immaturity frustrates me.  I am always expected to do small things like passport application talking to insurance etc., but he always has time for his friends.

Suggestions would be welcome.  Thank you.

Zainab

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2 Responses »

  1. Ask your husband to divorce you. None of you need to continue being miserable. You and your child are young. You can continue with your life a lot easier now than in 10 years. Your parents should support you since they knew you did not want to marry this man in the first place and you obeyed them. You made an honest effort. It did not work out. Another reason why forcing someone to marry is not a good idea.

  2. Well, you can be frank and candid with your husband and ask him categorically what he wants you to do in the future. If he wants to spend his life in Pakistan, and you have no problem with it, I think you should go back. Also, it's a bit unclear whether he wants you to work or not. At one instance, you wrote that he doesn't have enough money and later on, you said he questions your priorities because you are busy in your work and not doing enough to spend more time with the family. Also, if he is not cheating on you, I think he you just 2 to 3 hour-long meetings with him in which you should firmly inquire about his future plans. I think it would be great if you could also include your parents in this after having one-on-one conversation sessions with him.

    And I strongly disagree with what one of the commenters said here. I don't think your situation calls for a divorce. It's just horrible how people call for divorce so easily. If your spouse is not cheating, you shouldn't divorce or ask for a divorce so casually. Just 2 to 3 strong and firm conversation sessions, and hopefully everything would be good.

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