My husband does not accept my 6 year old son
Muslim boy.
I recently remarried after 6 years of being divorced. I have a 6 year old son from my previous marriage and I believe that my husband is jealous of my son.
My husband doesn't like him to enter our bedroom and has explained to me that he has to have restrictions. He says that he needs his space and blatantly tells my son to leave the room.
He does not accept him, even though my son has accepted him as his new father; he even calls him Daddy (he doesn't even call his biological father that).
My son is a very loving child and he craves the attention of my husband as his biological father, but my husband isn't playing any role in his life.
I am unhappy about this situation & it has me torn up. Allah knows best and I've been making dua' about it constantly....
- meerah
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salaam
my dear sister it hurts me to hear this i myself am looking to remarry and this sort of seniory plays in my heart but pray it is not the outcome i suggest to have a long chat with your husband and explain it to him get him to picture himself in your sons shoes but also maybe ask the local mufti to explain this to him and why it is wrong
allah hafiz
Shukran, I appreciate your response & I believe that within the Quran it has stipulated times in which a child can enter your room for Allah has pointed out that children have rights just as parents have rights as well. We have discussed it based on the Quran and sunnah & it has improved within that area but unfortunately it seems that my new husband has a deeper underlying issues that can only be resolved through counseling based on our recent discussions it has also brought about another factor. I will continue to make dua in'sha'Allah
Look your child comes first. The actions you allow of mistreatment will affect your child.. What is better? Having a man or the well being of your kid? I would divorce quickly a man that mistreats my child no excuses
Totally agree this why I'm not remarried
Assalamualaikum
Dear Sister, you are probably thinking too much into the situation. Its a lot easier for a child to bond with an adult and a lot harder for a man to bond with an unrelated child. Your husband is related to your son through you. It will take time for the bond to develop.
1. Probably your husband associates the bedroom to be a place where both of you can be alone. For you it is acceptable that your disturbs your privacy with your husband while your husband does not feel that way.
2. If you try to force your husband on this issue, you will just push him away or even jeopardize the marriage.
Its not too difficult to resolve the issue. Here are a few suggestions.
i) Establish a protocol with your son, where he understands not to disturb the two of you.
ii) Be readily available for your husband's needs, and maybe even offer yourself to him regularly so that he does not get the feeling that he has to sacrifice his desires so that you can tend to your son's needs.
iii) Let them bond by arranging some activity between the two of them (make sure you follow the above suggestions before pursuing this one).
iv) If you can get someone to look after your son for a night or so then that will help a lot. Give your husband lots and lots of physical intimacy and try to have a good sense of humor.
v) Establish strong communication with your husband, (whining and complaining is not communication)
vi) Make lots and lots of duas.
Inshallah things will turn out fine.
True
Salam,
I agree with this sister, please listen to the advice, as women we sometimes look at everything too closely when sometimes it's not even as big as we make it, be careful with this, inshallah with time u will see the bond, u need to juggle both your child and pleasing ur husband and u can certainly work your magic inshallah, women are clever and can figure ways of doing this without hurting anyone.
your SIster R
Sorry i disagree a young child clings to its mum. Dont dent your child that as he will get older and you will wish u never shunned him. He knew he was marrying a woman with a child so its on him. The child should never br denied time with its mum.
Well I think you should explain how you feel to your husband then he will respect you more and know your boundaries don't seem so desperate for him to love your son act like you don't care what he says sometimes its hard on people to accept something that was never there's I'm sure love will grow in his heart for him inshallah
dear sister
for me it is quite simple there is nothing wrong with your child entering the parents room in the morning or when they scared or for a bit of attention but you need to understand you have to also set boundaries for your child at night time they must sleep in their own room if you are a bit worried and have only recetly seperated your sons room then it will take a bit of time put on a baby monitor it will put your heart at rest and give reassurance to your son and see if that works
allah hafiz
Salam
This is really sad to hear. Did you not discuss these things before marraige. If a man wants to marry a dovorced woman with a child he has to make the effort to love this child like his ow. Your child is part of you . Its a package deal! He cant just have one and ignore the other.
My childrens father has left and they miss the attention of a loving father figure. Every kid wants that. Thats not right what your husbands doing. He is an adult he should understand a childs feelings better and try to love and care for your child. I heard of many step parents who bend over baclwards to bond with their step children as they want their wife or husband to love them more when they see how much they love their children. Its usually the kids who dont want to accept the step father or mother. . But in your case your husbands being childish.
You need to have a big meeting with him in front of the granparebts and explain his obligations towards your son and how you want him to treat him like your son.
And marriage is not just about fullfilling your phisical desires. . If thats the case then why have kids because tey get in your way of your private time. Every parent puts theur kids first before thsir needs. . Thats the way it should be . Noones going to die if they dont have intimacy for obe time. Life is a test for both men and women you cant always have what you want when you want. Women are pateint and and bear alot. Men need to be pateint too.. It just annoys me how men always want their way at the expense of hurting the women or children. Its like its their birth right to order women aroubd. Its not right for the poor women.
You need to get this sorted asap for your childs sake or he will himself have a bad image of a father and think its ok to treat women like this.
I pray your husband becomes the best father to your son inshallah.
salaam
also dear sister look into reading and understanding sura noor also try and go to one of these marriage courses with you
allah hafiz
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
If you really mean your marriage is just a new marriage, then I will advise you to follow the steps brother/sister Mulla Naseeruddin has given you above. Your husband deserves to have a special time with you at this level. Of course, he is aware of your son, and I believe he probably wants to help that's why he married you. But you ignoring the respect for this special time that he needs between the two of you, will probably make him feel this way .Honestly just imagine yourself, being in such a newly marriage, where your husband does not have respect for the special time you both need to be together, you probably will feel the same as he does. Dedicate much of your time-just at this level-to him. He will just get used to having you so close to himself, and that will be it. He will be ok.
Make sure your son knows to knock on your BED ROOM's door by saying "Salaam Alaikum" and being accepted before entering.
Hope this helps Insha'Allah.
I can honestly understand your husband, your son has no business in your bedroom, it's his and your's private space. My parents told me and my siblings that we could not enter their bedroom in our childhood, too, and we are all their biological children. Parents just need their own space, I guess :).
I personally also don't agree with big children in parents' bedroom. Your son is 6 years old, he's not a little baby, what does he need to be in your bedroom for? He's too old to be sleeping in his mommy's bed, I'm sorry...
Otherwise, you don't mention anything else that indicates why you think your husband doesn't accept your child - is it only because of this bedroom thing? If it is, then I think you're a bit unreasonable to accuse him of not accepting your son...
i think you are been a bit harsh everyone has different ways of dealing with these sorts of issues but i believe a soft and loving approach would be best the child is still quite young we do not know what his life experience has been only the writer knows and i pray will listen to what has been said and make the right decision for her situation
Did u guys go for a honeymoon? I mean u should seriously consider it if u havnt. Just drop ur kid with ur mum or some1 ur kid is comfortable with and disappear for at least a cozy weekend.
If that is absolutely impossible then try to convince ur mum or ur older aunt or some1 to spend just nights at ur place for a few days until ur child gets used to his new room. If u can afford a trustworthy experienced nanny for just night stays then do that. Ur married friends should help u with this. Dont hire an absolute stanger.
Its not just stepfathers who have such issues..my personal opinion is such that even biological dads act unreasonable in some cases. Try to put him to bed early so he doesnt have to miss u when u guys hit the sack.
Play an indoor game together where the 2 of them would get to b in one team or something. Let ur kid give his new daddy some little hand painted card with his feelings for him written in it or a personal little gift on special occassions like new daddy's birthdays and such.
Stop worrying. The bond will slowly develop as and when it has to.
Just 1 last advice. Take it if u agree but if i were in ur shoes i wouldnt hasten in making another baby with the new husband until my first child got comfortable in the new family.
Make dua. Allah never ignores.
Best wishes to u and lots of hugs to ur kiddo.
I read what you say and can see of the many replies, you have a fuller understanding of this sister's query to answer it fairly and objectively. I have to say I agree with your advice MaSha'Allah.
We all have tests in life; alhamdulillah. To increase in our ibaadah, to keep to our 5 daily prayers, being upon Tawheed with Birr and Taqwa , to make dua to ask Allah to give us the best sabir and to aid us all with that which is better for us in this life, the life to come and the life in the hereafter Ameen.