Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband keeps lying to me

muslim woman in hijab


I am in desperate help for some marriage advice:

My husband keeps lying to me. We havent been married very long and early on in the relationship he broke my trust. Since then there has been ongoing lies. Lies about who he is going out with, where he is going, free mixing etc.

He can also be very aggressive and on a couple of occassions got very physical.

I have tried a number of times to forgive and forget, but he keeps lying. My parents are now involved.

- mastani

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27 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister mastani,

    May Allah bring all good your way soon and remove this distress from you.

    Pray to Allah as He says in the Qur'an:

    83. And Job, when he cried unto his Lord, (saying): Lo! adversity afflicteth me, and Thou art Most Merciful of all who show mercy.
    84. Then We heard his prayer and removed that adversity from which he suffered, and We gave him his household (that he had lost) and the like thereof along with them, a mercy from Our store, and a remembrance for the worshippers;
    85. And (mention) Ishmael, and Idris, and Dhul-Kifl. All were of the steadfast.
    - Surah Anbiyaa.

    41. And make mention (O Muhammad) of Our bondman Job, when he cried unto his Lord (saying): Lo! the devil doth afflict me with distress and torment.
    42. (And it was said unto him): Strike the ground with thy foot. This (spring) is a cool bath and a refreshing drink.
    43. And We bestowed on him (again) his household and therewith the like thereof, a mercy from Us, and a memorial for men of understanding.
    - Surah Saad.

    So calling Allah in distress helps a lot and brings you out of that situation. You have the words above, invoke Allah and seek His help.

    Regarding your efforts in this matter:

    1. Make yourself regular in prayers and reading of the Qur'an with meanings.
    2. Tell him, Islam forbids what he is doing and it is not right at all and she should fear Allah.
    3. Tell him, you want this marriage to work and you want peace of mind and trust and love and that you do not want to be in worries, mistrust and suspicion.
    4. Tell him, you are committed to him in truth and loyal to him, is he ready for it or not? Is he ready to make Allah a surety over what he says?
    5. Stay away from him, if he hurts you, harms you, avoid sleeping on the same bed, let him realize that he is hurting you, it is very important.
    6. If he realizes and makes efforts to improve, Alhamdulillaah, if he does not, do not worry.
    7. Get people from both families involved, try to work out a solution. If it works, Alhamdulillaah, if not, do not worry.
    8. When you know for certain he is cheating, lying and you cannot take this relationship further, seek seperation by divorce. It is no sin. Allah would give you better from His abundance.

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them both (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah Nisaa.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah Nisaa.

    Read the Qur'an a lot (with translation) , do lot of Zikr of Allah, thank Him and remember Him much in adversity and in peace.

    I hope the advice helps you when put in to action and the question is answered to your satisfaction.

    Insha Allah, keep us posted with your life situation and Insha Allah, do not forget us.

    Your brother,

    * * *
    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. Well sister,
    I'm also married and my husband lost my trust too. Men can be very secretive and I don't know why. My husband lies about a lot. I know he lies to me but I just go on with life. He's not the best husband he does a lot more. He lies, he doesn't spend time, etc. he made me fall out in love with him. Maybe telling your parents will help for a week or a month but I think he'll keep doing it. Just keep your head up and always have Allah in your min and pray. Try to sit him down and telling him that it hurts you. I really don't know what to say because my husband is worse then lying, tell him how haram that is. Tell him one day that you'll be the mother of his children if you already aren't. Tell him that you deserve a man that doesn't lie to you.

    • this message is especially for sister 'MUNCH' .
      I have the exact problem. my husband constantly lies. lies for every little thing, when there is no need to lie. for ex, i asked him, oh so when did you eat beans and eggs first time, even for that he lied. it hurts so much. and you can't create an issue everytime he lies, coz then you will not have a minute of peace.

      he also doesn't spend time with me. he is ALWAYS out. comes home very very late, around 2 or 3.
      it has reached to such a state , where he wants to stay in london with his brother and do business and i am staying on my own in west midlands.

      i always wonder , whats the point of living with a man like this. he is so charming and warm to people. so helping, considerate, polite, jolly. all the good attributes you want to see in a man. but as a husband , he does none of his duties. he is not even interested in lovemaking. huh, life. this is my 2nd marriage. no children from first as he was impotent. i stayed as a virgin for 5 yrs. left that marriage to find a better man, and 🙂 huh, this is where i end up.

      my parents don't intervene much, as this is my second. and they feel, i can't b happy anywhere. i am always cribbing. there is so much more in my life, that is not right, but ................................

      married but single 🙂

      • Assalaam mu alaykum
        This was realli such nice answer you people gave and Wallahi may Allah reward you all and make easy for the sisters that going through all of these bad situations Ameen.

      • Hello sister
        I'm going through the same
        We have been married for three years with no kids because he can't have a baby but can have sex, he does that once or twice a month
        He's a liar and also a cheater
        Cheated on me so so many times
        I'm thinking of khulla
        I have no life, his parents are always blaming me for having no kids but the doctor told us that he can't have a baby
        He's still cheating on me. I have a very gut feeling about it
        Whatever I ask him he's just always lying

  3. Sister mastani, As-salamu alaykum,

    All the problems you have described are serious, but to me the most serious of all is the physical aggression. When a man is physically abusive, it precludes any possibility of discussion. You have a right to be safe in your own home. Your husband's job is to protect you, not to harm you.

    I suggest that you move back with your parents. Tell your husband that you will not return until he changes he gets anger management counseling. Be firm on this.

    Wael Editor

  4. Dear Mastani, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing.

    I'm glad you have involved your parents. The best thing to do is to lay everything out on the table and tell your husband what you expect from a marriage. Physical abuse, lying and unnecessary free mixing is definitely not on the cards.

    See where you go with the help of your parents and inshaAllah remember that Allah is the Most Merciful. Furthermore, that you are entitled to have a trusting and loving relationship in your marriage.

    SisterZ Editor

  5. Well, it is a hard situation since you are his wife. It is not a matter of relationship where you have many choices, but here my recommendation:

    1- If the man is not satisfied with his family, I guess you can do some changes to make him enjoy his stay with you. For example, be optimistic and try to help him see the reality through you. You are his life, his trusted partner, and the mother of his children.

    2- More you turn to Allah, more you see the reward for having the patients. Life is too short and if he is not going to keep this game going on for too long. One day you will wake a way if he does not accept his family as the only Family to live with.

    3- Allah is watching him and you. Allah is testing both of you in different ways, be the winner and always do what pleases Allah.

    4- In some cases, you should face him with solid evidence. Tell him you know what is going on. Let us start over again. We should look forward and Allah will make every one responsible and accountable for his own acts.

    5- Involving family members not the best choice all the time, but it could be one of the last options if nothing working.

    6- Divorce is the last options if NOTHING working at all. But think 10 times before you get that point.

    Good luck

  6. Salaams.
    I have been reading this thread, although it is quite old i find myself in the same situation.

  7. To all of women and men whom are believers . I strongly disagree with lying period . And I know some hadiths allow to lie which it is crazy, and I frown upon that . If a man or a woman lies everything is possible i.e "cheating, etc" . And it is very sad that people have to live with someone who is a habitual liar. Is honesty something too hard to ask for "no". I have been married to a Muslim girl and engaged to another whom I broken up with due to lying. Once you brake that trust , your life would be horrible . We have one life to live , and I think we should live with someone who is honest. Currently I am in a relationship for the last 3 years . She is not religious , but has never told me a lie. What's not to like . I don't think Allah wants people to lie . Honest sets you free. I hope you find your courage and have an ultimatum either change or hit the road jack

    • Habil, you are absolutely right, we should not lie in Islam. I don't know what you mean that some hadiths allow lying. The Messenger of Allah (sws) condemned lying as one of the signs of nifaq (hypocrisy).

      Wael Editor

      • Wael, I think she's talking about this one:

        Muslim (32:6303) - "...he did not hear that exemption was granted in anything what the people speak as lie but in three cases: in battle, for bringing reconciliation amongst persons and the narration of the words of the husband to his wife, and the narration of the words of a wife to her husband (in a twisted form in order to bring reconciliation between them)."

        -Amy Editor

        • Right. Those are not lies intended to hide damaging sins or to harm. Those are what one might call, "sweet little lies". For example:

          Wife: "Honey, do I look fat in this dress?"
          Husband: "No dear, you look as beautiful as ever."

          Wife: "I burned the dinner, didn't I?"
          Husband: "Don't worry, it's still delicious."

          Or the other way around:

          Husband: "I'm sorry, the company is not doing well and we did not get any bonuses this year. I know you wanted a new dress."
          Wife: "No, not at all. I have plenty of clothes. The only thing I need is your love."

          Romantic, huh? 🙂 The point is that these sweet words - even when they are not 100% true - maintain harmony between husband and wife and bring comfort to the other person.


  8. I just came across this page and am so sadden that so many of us are in this situation. I live far away from my family and have no one around me except my husband who lies to me about everything. When I question him, he always says he doesn't do anything wrong and that Allah will shame me for thinking that he does but I always catch him in a lie and he admits it. He lies about my character and who I am. He also lies about the smallest things and makes me wonder why? If he is lying about these things that don't matter much then what else is he lying about. I don't know what to do or say anymore because he does nothing but fight with me. He avoids staying home and says he has work but numerous times I have found out he is not at work. I have always thought he has cheated one me but he swears he has not. I feel like Allah is telling me he is. He swears to Allah and on our child and yet still lies. I wish Allah would do something so he stops lying and is honest with me.

  9. I feel for all the sisters who have been through what I am only now experiencing.

    My husband and I are 7 years apart, he is older amd I'm only 21. We have a daughter who just turned 1. We are living with his parents and they are very good religious people.

    Me and my husband used to be very happy people before getting married and after we were married. He was good while I was carrying our child and never mistreated me. Things changed after I gave birth to our daughter. Fights became more serious and when he lost his job things turned worse.

    He used to have drug problems and I have always been the pillar of support for him to stay away from this corruption after we were married as I wanted him to change for the better. But lately, everytime we had a fight he will revert back to all this nonsense and blame me for it. He would blame me for nagging at him or his wrongdoings. He swears at me alot now and his verbal abuse is making me really sad. We often fight and Ill break down in tears every single day while our daughter looks at us not understanding what's happening. He will lie to me about his whereabouts and he will lie to people and pretend like he has been a good father and husband. He is not physically violent to me but many times he have broken things around the house due to anger and it has hurt me physically. He also is not interested in lovemaking anymore. And when I am awake in the morning with my daughter he will go to sleep. When I am going to sleep he will wake up and spend the night awake sometimes at home sometimes not. I also take care of our daughter by myself most of the time. He also always put the past as an excuse, he will say hurtful things like I'm too young to understand him and he will say things like I didn't know him well because we were not friends back then. He has also sad hurtful things about me to a female friend that I have never met before And she has talk bad about me eventhough she doesn't know me. I feel betrayed and lost of trust with him.

    His parents have tried to talk things out with the both of us and nothing is working. He refuses counselling at the family centre as he said it is a waste of time. My mother has had enough of his mistreating and said she will support me in case of anything.

    I am at a lost here and feel like giving up everyday but I hold on for my daughter as she needs me the most.

    Do I have the right as a woman to seek for divorce as I cannot tolerate it anymore. I do love him dearly as how I did before but I fear for my safety, for my daughter's safety, also for my sanity.

    Thank you.

    • Salam Sisters

      I feel the same, everything was beautiful before we were married, even the first month was going nicely. however, over the months things got out of hand, in terms of not speaking to one another, my husband constantly telling me one thing and doing another, lying through his teeth he would rather spend time listening to his siblings over me believing them over me he'd ask me to do things for the family which I do if I am to ask my husband to do something for my family he just lets it slip his mind like I never asked for a favour. Regardless of the times I have brought the issues forward to my husband the next morning things go back to usual, once or twice he has raised his hand, me leaving me no choice but to walk out. It is coming up to a year for me since I have been married, I cant help thinking that I have made the wrong choice. In terms of my issue/s what can I do?

        • Salam dear all,
          May everyone be granted with solace and peace by Allah. I need some verified input please:
          My husband has never had a job or own income in 12 years - his first wife and kids are abroad ( home office problems) during all this time I kept myself aside because I never wanted anything bad for his children or wife - I worked very hard 6-7 days a week 40-80 hours to help. I wanted the best for them and did not mind but my husband ( unbeknown to me up to recently) on a visit to his family - started a love affair with a nurse from a local hospital - he got married to her over the phone some time back and now wants to go and see her. He has done all the shopping and even asked me to pack his case ( which I refused) this is all torment- torture- extreme hurt and it upsets me day and night- he is completely useless as he is either on the phone - computer all day or driving around lying to everyone that he is a doctor. He is belittling - insulting - humiliating in s very sublimely malipulating way / I often think that he might be mental. I can't say anything as he gets veryyyy aggressive and I often fear for my life. Nonetheless I want the best but I now feel that it is pointless. He has been lying so much about everything and U.S. Showing off in my hard work - I don't know him anymore! Could it be black magic via this young enough to be his daughter- girl wife??? I don't want to be wrong to Allah - but I start. Hating him and have to ask for forgiveness about this all the time. I would not be able to stay with him upon his return and have made a mention but he does not seem to care. What do I do ? Just really wanted to help but I don't want to support this as I consider it to be evil and wrong. ( catch a girl by pretence/ lies/ showing off for nothing- how does Allah allow this and if so then what have I done wrong?)
          Allah hafiz

          • Sister Rahmina: I wanted the best for them and did not mind but my husband started a love affair with a nurse from a local hospital - he got married to her over the phone some time back and now wants to go and see her. ........l torment- torture- extreme hurt and it upsets me day and night- .....he is lying to everyone ...............that he is a doctor. He is belittling - insulting - humiliating in s very sublimely manipulating way / .............I often think that he might be mental. I can't say anything as he gets very aggressive and ************* I often fear for my life.**********...........Could it be black magic via this young enough to be his daughter- girl wife???

            Why did you even marry his guy? Did he tell you he was a doctor? What country do you live in? What country your husbands?

            Does his first family know about you?

            Men prefer younger girls as second wives, nothing to do with black magic, more to do with young body. Men are supposed to take second wives as women who are having difficulty finding a husband for some reason.

            If your life is in danger you need to leave him.

            His new wife needs to be informed "your husband" is no doctor and he is already married to 2 women.

  10. My tunisian husband is a habitual liar.and a bully. Very fraudulent person. Let's pray for each other.

  11. Asalam aleykum sisters,
    I am writting with d most heavy heart. I am sheding blood in my heart and feel mayb to die or not wake up for a while.
    Broder keep looking for the best women to get married to but are d greatest liar.
    I have been married to my husband for 3years.
    Sisters do u belief I just found out my husband already have 6 children yes 6 children yesterday I found out.
    His 1 will only be like 7or 8 years olfder dan his 1st child.
    Sisters dat isnt d most upsetting of the whole story. I married my husband in d month of febuary and in d month of may dat same year he lost his 1st son of 25years. Do u belief through out d time my husband consoled himsef alone and no 1 told me notin till yesterday dat I found out.
    My husband daughter lived in my house for a year. My husband told me she is his broder daughter until she ran away 1day she got pregnant for my neighbour.
    I travelling with my husband to his home town and he had alot of gift for a boy he said is his broders son and I praised him. Sisters I found out yesterday dat was his son also. I feel like dying for 3 years.
    This man also has twins from a white woman and he denied this wonderful rare gems. I cant go on I feel greatly sad now.

    • dear sister if you have just find out that ur husband is married and had cheated u alot...u can take divorce...if u dont want separation;u must handle ur relationship with great patience and care...give him his all rights and dignity as a husband...but dont loose ur self respect as well by bending ur knees had a weak point; they always go behind those women who dont die by heart on themmm....they never love the devoted..quiet and calm women....but in ur case u must have to be patient if u want to live with him...regards

  12. My husband is talking to his ex girlfriend and other womens. Whenever I tried to stop him he is lying to me that he is not talking any one . So I broke my trust on him . But loves him a lot . Please help me

  13. My husband lies to me before I got married he said he was married 1 time and he has 2 girls they live in different country with their mother and he's divorced. After wedding I found out he's married 4 times and he has 7 kids. I want to leave him but I got pregnant I waited until my baby born I couldn't forgive him it was very hard for me the problem now he's forcing me to take care of 3 kids their mother got married and I have one. I'm working as slave in the house and he's cheating outside with different girls I have proofs.
    Any advice?

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