Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband left the house and will not tell me where he is staying

lonely man in the rainI am sister amina, and i am going through something right now that im hoping inshallah some of my sister and brothers can give me advice on.

My husband has left home and has now been out of the house for one week. he is refusing to take my calls and he has not called me not even to check to see if I'm OK.  I know that he was having an affair because i spoke to the woman that was about two months ago. But now i know that she is not seeing him any more.  But i feel now it is some one else that he is seeing.

I know that he has a right to have more then one wife but we have always been very close to each other and now that he has started his own business every thing is falling or has falling apart.

My husband has not been home  for one week he is telling me that he is staying at another brothers house but that brother refuses to lie for my husband and told me that he has not seen my husband.  When i ask my husband where he is staying he tells me that i don't have a right to ask him that.  he has not given me any money to help support or pay the bills in our home.

I don't understand he prays 5 times and more a day, always at the mosq, and treats his wife like i am nothing he will not even answer a call he hangs the  phone up in my face and treats and talks to me any kind away.  then tells me it is my fault.  I dont know what to do at this point.  We was going to have a meeting with the imam but my husband could not make it twice. Now the imam and his family is away so we have to wait another week

Please any one ADVICE please!!!

Salaam mu alakum

- amina

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7 Responses »

  1. Selam Sister,

    My husband left me and my children for one week too i didnt know where he was he only called to see how the kids where, yet leaving me with no money to pay for the bills or anything i was furious and all my famly was too, even calling him the sheytan, but one thing out of all this is that when he did come back to talk it made sense, things where bothering him for years and they got to much. Now i see where my mistakes where, i dont think they just up and leave like that without a reason, and it doesnt always mean he is having an affair. Have sabur and pray to Allah to guide u in the right path as well as him, I prayed for nights snd days

    'O Allah, please help me, if this is a test of our marriage then i have realised where my mistakes where, and if he is for me then bring him back and if he isnt then let him be as far away as possible for only you know'

    and these harsh words 'its your fault' i used to be mad at him for saying that to me too, as i didnt see, he wasnt clear as in what my fault was.

    Have sabur and see what he has to say and see the imam as soon a.s.a.p


  2. Have you tried to get in contact with your in-laws? They might know where he is or know what happened to make him leave like that. Sometimes there are things we do that we think are nothing, but matter a lot to our spouse. We don't notice these things building up, and then one day our spouse explodes with anger/depression/or just leaves the home entirely. The in-laws I believe are obligated to take care of you if something happens to your spouse making him unable to. I do not know if that's cultural or a part of Islamic law, but someone on this site could tell you. At least it would mean you don't need to worry about bills or food while he is gone, and just focus on how you wish your marriage to get better.

  3. Salaams Sister Amina,

    I am sorry for what you are going through and I completely understand how much this is hurting you.

    The problem is in understanding why and what's gone wrong. However you say that your husband was having an affair before. If so, then why do you want him back? Although you cannot torment yourself speculating on what he is doing right now. As Sakura said above, he could be depressed and when people are not well mentally, they do irrational things and seem selfish.

    The problem is other people are reluctant to get involved. Like for example, this other brother you mention. Are there any of your husbands family that can talk to him, as suggested above?

    I would advise you, as difficult as this will be, to focus on yourself and look to improve yourself and take care of yourself. If your husband has left you for good, the sooner you develop a coping mechansim, the better. Or if he is taking time out, (although that's not fair on you the way he is doing it), you still need to focus on you.

    With regards to contacting him or not can be a headache. If you decide to not call him, give him some space or show you are not prepared to pursue him when he is in the wrong, he may well start calling you up and come home etc. However, you may think if you don't call him, that's what he wants and he will forget about you. If you decide to keep on calling him, that could put him off further and the more you call, the less he may be likely to respond. Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but since you don't know much yourself, you don't know how to tackle things. Though, I think maybe not contact him for a short while and see what happens.

    Whatever the reasons behind your husbands behaviour and whatever the outcome may be, you need to be strong and take care of yourself and be prepared for any outcome, otherwise you will only suffer yourself greatly. Just try to keep yourself busy with good things. One thing for sure is if you keep dwelling on what he's up to, it will drive you crazy. And above all, aim to be patient and pray that Allah help you in this matter as advised above by melisafrljak.

    Take care


  4. Dear sister,
    Whatever ur husband did was Not acceptable!
    If u guys were having problems or not he is obligated to tell u wat is the matter.
    He has no right or anyone else to just leave like tat.
    U said he prays and all. Does he really thnk abandoning wife and leaving her like tis would get him a place in haven! And on top of tat he has affairs!! Wow gotta give it to him.
    You must really like him to b overlooking his faults.
    If he really needs a break, he should of told u so.
    Stop calling him and stop receiving his calls.
    Can u rely on someone to help u financially for now?
    Can u go to ur parents house?
    Get away from the house and go somewhere.
    People mentioned that it might b the wife Tats y husbands leave.
    Well if the husbands don't communicate with wives how will they know wat is goin on?!!!
    He needs a break, so give him.
    Calling him constantly won't help.
    Just back away and pray to Allah to give u strength.
    Inshallah He shall not let u down.

    • Mashallah good advice. This woman should indeed realize that he is the one who must call her always and ask her apologies, this is maybe what he will do after he realizes that she is taking distance and afraid to loose her. She should stop calling him and let him have his break. Cos actually she is the one who needs a break and get her strength and confidence again, inshallah with help of God.
      and you are completly right when you said men leave and complain that they are not happy, some husbands dont take some patience to listen and analyzed the problems, by communication. Its so easy to leave.

  5. ASA, Sis I agree totally with Sara, BeAl, and Hopeful. Seek refuge in ALLAH and everything else will fall in place . Obviously your husband has nor studied his Quran as much as he has been praying!! If he was then his charater would be displayed different than what is curently being displayed. Allah has no partners, this is the time of Ramadan and your focus should be on Him ALLAH and him alone. Just as his focus is somewhere else! You said you know that you understand that he is allowed to have more than 1 wife however there are responsiblities that you must attain and that are required before you take on additional , and by your speaking he has not attained responsiblity thus far to the what that he currently has think!!! beloved when a man wants to to do what a man wants to do, everything else I mean everything else is secondary even your faith, because it's your total belief and faith that keeps you on the right path of ALLAH. So my sister seek guidance and assistance from the creator and you shall recieve! Yes you should get away take time go see some family!! Peace & Blessings to you.

  6. As Salam Alaikum, sometimes sister Allah (swt) shows us things that we would prefer to pretend are not there, he gives us many sign yet somehow we refuse to except the signs.
    My advise Sister is that I think you are right , men who up and leave always have another woman especially when they are not being open and honest i.e. Not answering your calls and completely ignoring you.
    In a marriage both partners should care about one another's feelings and it shows that he has no thought or care about yours in the way he has behaved.
    If he does not return home for one week , and does not answer your calls it is not normal and there is more to it than "just needing space".
    No man just walks out on his family if he is a good pious man with care for his wife and children.
    My advise is warn him and advise him that you are going to seek divorce as his behaviour is unacceptable and immoral.
    If that doesn't bother him then it is clear that he is looking for a way out of the marriage but it seems as though he is not capable of telling you this which is why he is mistreating you in order for you to take action.
    Do the right thing sister and divorce this man as he is not seriously committed to you.
    Contact the divorce centre and file for Khula and move on from him , move on be strong and know that Allah (swt) is showing you your husband's uncaring traits, if you ignore this he will probably leave you again and again and you will be going around in circles wondering what went wrong. It seems you are not at fault here so please don't let the shaytaan start whispering saying that you are in the wrong. Look at the signs from Allah (swt) and don't waste anymore precious time with this man.
    Allah (swt) will give you something much better.

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