Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband loves his phone more than me

I found some things on his mobile phone

Assalaamu Alaikum,

I am in my early twenties and last year I was pressured into getting married. I went abroad and got married and stayed with my husband for a week and a half until i flew back to england. Me and my husband never had the chance to get to know each other, or develop any feelings for each other. The time that we spent together he seemed more interested in his phone than me and never said anything anything sweet or to make me feel special. On the first night he forced me and seemed very eager not at all shy. He seemed like he knew how to do it.

He is still living abroad and i am still living in england and for the last year we tried to progress our relationship as much as we can over the phone but he doesnt sound interested in me. This is messing with my head and have considered he may be cheating on me or anything else. I know that its wrong to accuse someone before knowing the truth but i confronted him one day and he kept trying to change the subject or get very angry. I was asking in a relaxed tone nothing heated or anything but he turned so angry. I spent 2 hours trying to get a "yes" or a "no". everytime i asked for a clear answer he would repeat "why would i do something that would shame my family",

I found comfort in my mothers advice and moved on deciding to forget it. My family is currently experiencing problems and as a result ended up not talking to my mum. My mum is very naive and can't seem to keep secrets so she blurted it out to my husband and his family. He now seems to find it funny at the fact that my family are under strain and doesnt seem to respect me much. He knows that my family are split and uses this against me in a way that i may be weak to turn for assistance. Its been more than a year that we had been apart and he doesnt seem to be in need of me or shows me that he misses me. I advice and help him to study english so that he can move here with me but his minds not with it. A few girls i know got married 8 months after i did and their husbands already here.

I have spoken to his elder brother saying that he doesnt take me seriously and that his always out at 2am.

even when we talk on the phone he asks how i am but doesnt say he misses me or that he loves me.

I dont know what to do, but i know for sure that i won't be happy with a man that doent listen to me, doesnt care if im happy or not or be second best to his PHONE!

I have spoken to my elders and they are concerned about my relationship as well.

I don't know if i will be able to live with another man if i do get a divorce and feel that that i wont be treated with much respect either being divorced and my family is not in a position to look for a guy for me...  but i am still young and still have my whole life ahead of me what should i do?

Wa Alaikum Asalaam

- Rania

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams Sister Rania

    It seems to me that the problem in yourll's relationship is distance. You've been away from your husband for over a year now and have only spent one and a half weeks together since your'll were married! To make this relationship work you need to be with each other, to spend more time together ( face to face) not just on the phone. You should either move over to his place or he should move to your's but whatever it is your'll should be staying together. Trying to make a relationship to work over the phone isn't going to work!

    Speak to him about this. Explain to him that it's time your'll be together. Your'll need to work on your'lls marriage. He should spend more time with you for him to express his love and his care for you. Remember he barely even know's you so for him to express his love isn't going to be that easy until he spends enough time with you.

    If he isn't taking the initiative to be with you then it's not worth waiting for him. If he isn't fulfiling your rights as a wife then you have the option of divorce but sister before you consider a divorce take the initiative to make this marriage work. Point out the need to him to be together.


  2. Asslamu Alaikum Warhamthallahi Wrbkathuhu,

    I think the main problem here is the lack of communication and understanding and i think you're already aware of it. Since you have already let the elders know that your relationship is in turmoil, i suggest that they hold a meeting between you, your husband and the elders. This way, you can openly speak infront of him, confront to any problem and inshallah, come to a concrete conclusion. The elders will a witness to whatever he says. Be firm in you decision to come to an end sister. I feel that theres no point is asking him anymore, you've already tried, and just because you keep asking him will not make him say anything than what he has already said. It'll just make him more angrier, and maybe even come to a point where he is physically abusive.

    And One more thing: when you're talking to him on the phone. do you ask him if he misses you/loves you? have you openly expressed your feelings for eachother? I think you have to try at your end aswell, and not just wait him to put all the effort into the marriage. Ask him honestly how he feels about you. I think this is what should have been spoken about when you had that week and half with him.

    Hope this helps. May Allah(swt) bless you marriage, inshallah.

  3. Aslam 3alykum,

    Honestly speaking sister, if hes out until 2 am and doesnt show any affection he is probably no good for you. You can always atleast try to go to him since he cant come and see how it will turn out if your living with each other. But other then that this relationship is not going anywhere good. Islam doesnt say you have to stay married to a man thats a loser and goes out all night doing god know what and doesnt even tell you he loves you. Especially how he forced you the first night you were married.

    Im sorry if that was too harsh, but i just thought you should face the facts, im sure Allah doesnt forget anyone and would give you what you deserve in the end. As for now try one more last time to fix things either talk to him or go see him, if that doesnt work then get a divorce.

    May allah be with you inshallah i will keep you in my duaas and never forget to always ask Allah for help.

  4. i just dont understand why people have to make their lives soooooooo much more harder by this thing which call "going back home to marry".
    why do people feel the need to "go back home to get married" when there is enough of their people in the lands which they are living.
    this is very very common in indian subcontinent.
    how are two people from two different walks of life, who have faced different struggles,experiences supposed to get along as if they are from the same block.

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