My husband makes me feel like I’m not good enough
Cold hearted
My problem might not be as big as others, but it is disturbing me. My sisters friend hooked her brother and I together. We didn’t know each other we just use to chat on online every now and then. After a year we ended up married. We just made 6 months, and I’m not that satisfied.
Ok, when we got married and lived in our own house we hardly spoke to each other it would be very awkward when we sit and have breakfast or lunch together we just have nothing to say to each other. He would sit and watch TV all day nonstop and I’ll be just cleaning all day. We did have few issues about my past and about how he doesn’t like what my friends do and he gets really angry that I’m still friends with them. Anyway I sometimes would come up to him to snuggle up while he’s watching TV of course but he would just get up from the bed and would sit on the chair and smoke. That really use to hurt me so much, he never gave me attention, he would talk to his sister more than he would talk to me.
He also wanted me to get pregnant, I did, even though I knew I wasn’t ready but I thought he might change and like me more when we have a family and we might have more things to talk about. I know it sounds ridiculous but I did do it for those reasons. I do love and respect him so much I just hope he feels the same. I also realized that he cares so much about physical appearance, I cant be looking perfect 24/7, I just wished that he would see the inner beauty.
Now that we are far away from each other he mentions how he misses me so much but he always talks about sex and how he’s suffering, so basically he doesn’t miss me he just wants to satisfy himself. I’m trying to do everything as possible to try to make him love me but I guess I’m not good enough. What do I do now? I feel as if there’s not hope, either live like this or just get a divorce.
-Mariam87
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Assalamu alaykum Mariam87,
Your answer is in your post. There is no need for further advise. The last line of your post is your advice. The choice is yours.
A woman needs a man who loves her, talks to her, spends time with her and is able to provide for her. These are basics. A responsible Muslim should understand this.
You try to snuggle up and he goes from the bed to the chair and smokes? That is not the way to behave. It is not only insulting but extremely hurtful to even think of myself in your position. Though I am a guy and I would try to do what you do and the girl would just walk off, I would feel very insulted by such a gesture.
If you make terms of peace with him, it is better, as it would make you be with the man whom you allowed to be with you intimately and continue your family life with him. If you cannot achieve it, seek spearation by divorce.
Allah says in Surah An Nisaa:
35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware.
But that is when " both of them desire amendment" , they desire a way together.
Further if this does not work for a woman, then Allah says in the same Surah, An Nisaa:
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.
131. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth And We charged those who received the Scripture before you, and (We charge) you, that ye keep your duty toward Allah. And if ye disbelieve, lo! unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth, and Allah is ever Absolute, Owner of Praise.
132. Unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. And Allah is sufficient as Defender.
So think well and choose, Insha Allah. Do not follow desires, but follow what is more just in sight of Allah.
May Allah ease you way for you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salaam sister.
Have you tried telling him how you feel? Have you and him ever connected emotionally at all? These are questions you should ask yourself. It may be that you and him never got the opportunity to connect after you married. If you can try speaking to him about how you feel. Do not hassle him after he has come home from work. It may be that he does have feelings for you and misses you but doesnt know how to show them. Some people suffer with this, especially men. They find physical and emotional contact awkward and are natural avoidants.
Sister you cannot make him love you, but either try to get him to open up to you and work on your relationship or leave him in kindness. Let him know how you feel and try to work on it. If all else fails then consider divorce. If you are not sure do istikhaarah. Please see links above on istikhaarah.
May Allah swt help you.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Assalamu alaykum Sister Sara,
She has written in detail her efforts to make it work, her snuggling up, her pregnancy and the response now talking of sex and his sexual needs to her instead of missing the "person" and having an emotional connection.
No woman would like the feeling of being an object of pleasure and then left like a toy when a child has finished his play.
She has shown the picture from her side quite clearly to us and she has made up her mind too I believe, it is just a matter of time when Allah bring forth His command to pass.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Jzk brother Munib.
I took it from another angle, as I felt maybe she didn't try everything as there are some people who have emotional issues opening up. Maybe she has, I don't know the details of the situation so I always avoid advising divorce after only 6 months of marriage but the sister knows. Ultimately, it is the sisters choice. If he is not changing and he is the same then I agree it would be best for her to leave. No person should have to be stuck in an emotionally dead marriage and divorce is completely permissible in this case.
May Allah swt forgive me if I am wrong about anything.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Sara,
You are absolutely right Sister Sara.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salaams Sister Mariam
As sister Sara has mentioned-have you tried talking to your husband face to face and asked him how he feels about you. Could it be that he is still new in the marriage and needs time to adjust. Your'll are married for 6 months? Could it be that he still needs some more time?
"Ok, when we got married and lived in our own house we hardly spoke to each other it would be very awkward when we sit and have breakfast or lunch together we just have nothing to say to each other. He would sit and watch TV all day nonstop and I’ll be just cleaning all day."
Sister somebody needs to break the ice- You should go to him at that time and try talking to him. Whatever comes to your mind, whatever topic you can think about- make some conversation with him- whether it's on tv, the weather whatever it maybe. Communication is so important in a relationship. It can either make or break a relationship. Sometimes we would have to make the effort if our partner doesn't. Our actions could be just as rewarding.
"I do love and respect him so much I just hope he feels the same" - Hoping he feels the same way, isn't going to let you know the truth. Ask him. Tell him I do love and respect you. Do you feel the same way about me. If he admits to it then tell him I want to see this by your actions. He may or may never show this to you then it's up to you to make a decision. He needs to be reminded that you are his wife that it's ok to be intimate with you in every way.
Don't give up hope- try at least one more time. If he likes physical beauty then try your best to look good for him.This is how he is,Overtime he may change and look into your inner beauty.
"Now that we are far away from each other he mentions how he misses me so much but he always talks about sex and how he’s suffering"- Sister he does mention to you that he misses you- sometimes some men feel that the only way to express their love is by having sex. Tell him that this isn't enough, you need closeness, you need to feel loved not only when having sex.
Rumaysa
Sister Mariam,
The only way to find out the root of your problem is to sit down and talk together. I have found through personal experience when things are at the point of no return that a good talk can do wonders within a marriage.
By neither of you talking and expressing your feelings, you solve nothing. For a man to get up and move away from his wife who is attempting to snuggle, is not normal...at all. By not calling him out, he acts like it's nothing and either doesn't notice your hurt or doesn't care.
Next time you talk to your husband and he says just how much he is suffering from not having sex, you might want to tell him just how much you are suffering too from his lack of affection.
Either way, no one wants to be in a loveless marriage. Marriage is about giving as well as taking. Seems like he is taking more than he gives. Until you both sit down and talk together to ascertain why things are the way they are within your marriage, things will stay the way they are. Is that good enough for you? Only you can answer that.
Salam
Najah
Your advice is truly pearls of wisdom.You show a lot of sanity and empathy in posting what you perceive to be a way to tackle the issue and Im sure these responses are well received by the person(s).
God Bless you!
Freethinker,
Thank you for your kind words, I am truly humbled.
God bless you too!
Dear sister,
Is it possible he is angry at something? The way he avoids your touch.
You really need to talk to him.If you can not then ask someone else your mum aunt etc to talk for you.
W salaam