Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband mistreats me but says he loves me

Cold heart, emotionless, cold husband, husband doesnt care

Cold hearted

Alsalam Alikum,

My problem is that I have been married now for 6 months only. My husband is from other country and I am arab. At the beginning he was fighting and too eager we will be together after marriage he changes a lot. He keeps away, even our intimate relationship changed, it seems he is not interested in sex with me at all. Sometimes even when I approach he pushes me and saying he is stressed in work and tired and it's late when he can do ghusl and so on. And he either do it forcely or not to hurt me with no passion which I can feel which kills me inside as if I don't deserve a man like him he always say I am handsome man.

As I feel he always says why you don't gain much weight and when we fight he says me bad words and that I am ugly and asks me to leave the house and travel back to my parents and after that he regrets and apologize and ask for forgiveness and he always say that he loves me and can't live without me and it's only anger and beg me to forgive and on other hand he always hurt me looking to other women in streets and he wants me to see him doing that when we fight he make facebook chatting with women and when I discover he says it's nothing and he did so due to anger and to keep his mind busy from the fight.

I discovered that he already was addict of chatting with women and I think he had past sexual relationships also before marriage but he denies and saying am only his love and they are just cheap women and he just talk over internet and I should be happy he is not doing in real life also many times. I told him don't download movies which contain sexual content he sometimes keeps silent and sometimes fights and saying he will do.

We sometimes have good moments also he say it's all due to stress which hinder our relationship. We don't go out too much most of time am staying home alone and when he come from work he just stay with the laptop or watching movies. What's ur advice?

Isn't it too early after 6 months only to lose interest in sexual desire? Work can really kill it or he just got bored and betraying me with other women? How can I discover this? Do he betray me? If he don't love me why he keeps me and am suffering too much? He keeps me as a servant and cooker for free which he thinks why he should lose? Should I ask for divorce?


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4 Responses »

  1. Lemm, As-salamu alaykum,

    Your marriage clearly has serious problems. I think that your husband's pornography habit is the root of the problem. It seems that he knows his behavior is wrong but perhaps he doesn't know how to change.

    My suggestion is that the two of you need to see a marriage counselor. If the Imam in your community does marriage counseling, that would be perfect. The Imam may be able to prompt your husband to correct his behavior. He can also help the two of you learn to communicate better, Insha'Allah.

    Wael Editor

  2. 1. First thing you need to know about some men is that they will never change or make any compromises they expect all the women to do it. I don't mean all men are like this but most eastern men are like this because thats what they've picked up from their fathers.
    2. Here's the solution you can either stay with him and stay and unhappy and endure the heartache or
    Get out as soon as ASAP you deserve better and you know it. Your husband is being completely unfair you have rights, needs such as sexual,emotional and physical needs that need to be fulfilled.

    and I agree with wael your right porn does effects alot of men especially the way they view women.
    if he really loves you sister he would of put your needs first and thought about you ,would of thought about the way he treats you.

  3. salam lemm,

    i feel for u as i'm Arab too n got married to an Asian guy who i loved n it's been 3 ys now husband is good but our cultural differences are so much ...he never said nthg to me before about what i will have to change about me once we get married .....i am very lonely and depressed in a foreign country........n i'm suffering a lot n very unhappy .

    i agree u need to get some professional help koz u only got married 6 months ago.try to talk to him as well if he loves u he will listen to u n try to understand u..
    gd luck.

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    Your husband, while being able to physically achieve an erection, may be finding it difficult to do so on a frequent basis and/or may be suffering from emotional impotence causing your lackluster love life. His turning to online porn and online relationships shows that his conscious ability to form a true, reality based relationship is actually a mark of narcissism.

    A study published in October 2008 by Laura Buffardi, doctoral student in psychology, and associate professor W. Keith Campbell from the University of Georgia showed that through online social networks (facebook), narcissists could be identified by certain key factors by both the layman and more acutely by the professional. Due to your husband's actions and reactions, it is more than likely that he carries this personality trait, as well. It prevents him from having loving, caring and honest relationships due to his inner defects. While this does not excuse his behavior, it does allow you to acknowledge the kind of man you are dealing with and the choices you will have to make in the future.

    "Laura Buffardi said this is consistent with how narcissists behave in the real-world, with numerous yet shallow relationships. Narcissists are also more likely to choose glamorous, self-promoting pictures for their main profile photos, she said, while others are more likely to use snapshots."

    Look at that last statement and it correlates with your husband's perception of being "handsome" while putting your own looks down, as well. It is the mark of the super-ego of which the narcissist delves in to sustain their attitude and view on life. So take a look at the clinical definition for a moment....

    ....and the symptoms....

    My advice is simple: take the time to write what you need from your marriage, what you want to change and what you will no longer tolerate respectively, i.e. his problems with modesty, porn and online relationships. Take the time to approach him gently and bring these issues up with the request that you two must see a marriage counselor and/or Islamic counsel, as Brother Wael has suggested. If he balks, refuses and delays to do this, initiate an Islamic separation as a possible means of divorce.

    During this time, he is to make a step towards reformation of his life, his personailty and how he treats you by seeking therapy on his own. Make your requests of a proper marriage as your conditions for returning to him, if you so desire. Otherwise, when the time expires of 3 months in which you are observing your iddah, then you may divorce.

    Thus I will answer your questions, as follows:

    Isn't it too early after 6 months only to lose interest in sexual desire?
    His personality bears out the fact that he is incapable or unwilling to form a real relationship. He doesn't know how to love you emotionally or please you sexually, because he is a narcissist.

    Work can really kill it or he just got bored and betraying me with other women?
    While stress can cause impotence, this does not seem to be the case in your husband's life, as he is emotionally impotent rather than physically so. At this point, having online relationships in which he is fulfilling his sexual excitement is a form of cheating.

    How can I discover this?
    You may already have in finding out about the online relationships and his boasting of it.

    Do he betray me?
    In my opinion by having the online relationships, the answer is "yes."

    If he don't love me why he keeps me and am suffering too much?
    He refuses to understand that he has a personality disorder.

    He keeps me as a servant and cooker for free which he thinks why he should lose?
    A woman's rights as a wife had many aspects that a husband must fulfill. This is an Islamic tenet that he is defying. Therefore, he is not fulfilling his duties and this can be the cause for separation and eventual divorce, if you choose to do so.

    Should I ask for divorce?
    Take the suggestions, seek martial guidance from a counselor, family and/or an alim, after which you can make the proper final decision in this matter.

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