Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband moved to another state 6 months ago

law fiqh marriage divorce

Salaam Aleikoum Brothers and Sisters,

I am a Muslim revert of 8 years. Four years after I made my Shahada, a younger professional fellow (20+ yrs) persued me on a Muslim matrimonial site, and we married after several months both civilly and Nikkah. Four years later, he has still not told his family about me or his marriage. Shortly after we married, he disclosed to me that he was sick and could not work. I had to work full time to support him from the get-go, along with supporting my teenager. I tried hard to support us to pay for the rent and food, his medications, I took him to doctors appointments, hospitals, tests etc, on my days off. I did not mind doing this for the sake of Allah but the burden was totally upon me to do absolutely everything in the household and work.

As the years went by, he became increasingly emotionally abusive, especially nasty on days he was in pain. He would not shower or bathe for weeks on end, found problems in everything as he just sat on the couch or in the bed all day. He tried looking for a job, but claims no one would hire him even though he university educated. The pressure mounted on me when I myself became sick and had to quit one of my jobs. He then forced me to take state welfare benefits knowing that I would have to repay with interest the money he collected because of immigration rules.

I was then offered a job in my field which I accepted with gratitude as I was approached for it, I did not look for it. I felt great about this job however my husband objected. He wanted me to just sit with him while he collected benefits. I tried to help him with self-employment and even additional courses which I paid for that he did not complete. All of this was moderately tolerable however after the first week of marriage and his disclosure that he was sick with some intestinal issue, he stopped praying and had not done so until he left.

I got lost in the abyss fighting jihad in the dunya while all I wanted was to be a good Muslim wife, learn Surat off by heart, earn my keep, pray , etc. I kept being physically ill when this man was around and so was my child. Even that was not so bothering however, the most challenging thing I faced was when I was extremely sick, and the last few months that he lived here before I finally asked him to leave, he would be doing horrible haram things around the home with himself all the time. He even started abusing me by saying he loves large breasts on a woman and that I should bring to him two very large breasted women to the bed for his pleasure. Wallahi I have never ever been insulted in this manner and I was married before.

He finally left alhamdulillah and although I missed him somehow, I resolved to recover my Iman and Deen, Inshaallah. I cleaned up the home shining and started to pray 5x a day again. Days or weeks would go by without him contacting me nor do I know his exact whereabouts or where he lives or a phone number. I prayed and prayed to Allah about the situation and by then my heart closed to my husband. I can't even consider him returning to live with me now. I feel that a big burden was lifted from me by him being removed far from me. It didn't seem so at first because of the betrayal I felt but time and patience heals. I tried to keep an open mind about it, though, and requested my divorce.

I joined another Muslim matrimonial website and prayed Salat Istikhara one day a few months ago when my heart was closing. After an overwhelming response, one fellow in particular that I actually liked returned my interest. I did not realise his age at the time, I just knew that I was at the 'higher' end of his age criteria. We kept chatting over the months exclusively but with my teenager near me and his family and parents always around next to the cam. He is also 20+ years younger than me but I know I would not fall into another sick bed. Things became serious and now he has sent me a marriage proposal by airmail with his two witness signed.

My question is, my husband is unreachable only reachable on his terms and I have requested my Islamic divorce. I actually though I had it cuz my time passed and he spoke about it in the early days after he left. Now I have no desire to reconciliate with my husband now, and in fact my teenager said they will move out if he returns because of the abuse he did to that teen.

I am older and much calmer and not ready to jump but this chance came for me again mashallah and whether it came or not, I do not see a future with my husband any more as he is way too selfish. Can I accept this marriage proposal? Can I have my marriage annuled because of abandonment, and that absolutely none of my rights are being met or have been? Can I get Nikkah Faskh?

Please Brothers and Sisters, understand that I did see many things after praying Salat Istikhara ~ one was of my husband standing alone and very skinny. I am approaching things with caution and slowly even admitting to my current suitor that I understand I did give him a hard time for weeks and weeks...but he withstood the test of time and we really are in sinc with our views, our Deen, our personalities mashallah... Please kindly advise me on this situation. My grateful and humblest thanks to all.


Tagged as: , ,

1 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum,

    Of course, it seems that you have waited the proper time since the last instance of copulation, correct?

    Also, you didn't mention your country or sect, so here are two links with various definitions and the latter contains the laws of Pakistan.

    Very interesting reading and Insha'allah, of use to you.

Leave a Response