I can’t love my husband as he lied to me about his medical condition but I don’t want divorce either
Viagra pills
Assalaam aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatutu brothers and sisters.
Ramadhan kareem and may Allah subhana Ta ala reward you all for your efforts in helping brothers and sisters in need.
I have a problem, I will skip the details but will fill in where necessary since i need advice insha Allah.
I got married little over a month now Al hamdulilah. We met online and we got to know one another in a halal way. I do not have any parents and we do not live in the same country. I live overseas and have no family here, we therefore got married in a local Masjid in the presence of the imaam,two witnesses and a wali that got a consent from my elder brother.
I was happy since I have always wished for a practicing husband, my husband is a convert and Masha Allah he tries his best to practice, even though we differ in some things, like niqab being fard or sunnah, jihad and extremism. After our Nikah and we were both home, we didn't consummate the marriage. I thought it was because of nerves, but it happened again and I still thought it was because of nerves, but after a few times, I asked him if he was okay? That's when I found out he was suffering from erectile dysfunction. Obviously this hit me hard, I was shocked because this is not something you keep from someone you want to marry, and then bum! drop the bombshell after you are married, it has to be some trickery of some kind. I was left angry and betrayed. I got married in order to fulfill half of my deen and get closer to Allah by obeying him. He talked about viagra and stuff and I told him to talk to the doctor find the cause and not the diagnosis first. I told him I did not want viagra and maybe we could try other medicines. The thing is, he promised he won't use it and bring it to the house, I found some when I was cleaning the apartment. Another thing, he does not provide for me since I work and do everything for myself and the fact that we live separately now, due to my studies and him working where he is. We have discussed this and we came to a mutual agreement that we will live together once I am done with the studies insha Allah.
I practice my deen Al hamdulilah and I want to please him since thats his duty. But I do not love him, no! I am not into fairy tales and blah blah, I strongly believe that true love if it happens, happens in the folds of marriage, a blessing and rahma from Allah Taala. But I have realized that I simply do not love him. And I am angry all the time, when he talks, I just feel hurt and disappointed. I am a very direct person and wear my heart on my sleeves. When he asks I always say I am not happy. I want to forgive and forget, but I feel like I can never trust him or love him. I don't believe in divorce, I don't wanna give up on my marriage this soon without giving it a chance, but at the same time I am scared of falling into sin by not obeying him. He adores me, like totally in love with me, I feel guilty I do not feel the same, and I am scared Allah will punish me. I am also scared that Talaq is something bad.
Please brothers and sisters advice me and may Allah reward you all.
salam aleikum,
Ragey.
21 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
I can understand how surprising it must have been for you to find out that your husband had this condition after you married. Certainly, we would all like to know about things like this which can affect our married life before we get married, so it was somewhat inconsiderate of him to tell you at that time.
However, I would like you to take a moment and put yourself in his shoes. For most men, erectile dysfunction is a very embarrassing and frustrating condition. NO man who has it, wants it! Many men who start to notice the symptoms hope that the condition will go away on its own, or that perhaps it is just something temporary due to stress etc. When a diagnosis is made, and a prescription like viagra is given, men often feel humiliated and like a failure. THEY don't want to have to be on medication either! They just want to perform normally, like they did before, like any other man can.
So, imagine feeling that way, and then having the one you hope will be most understanding and accepting of this situation begin to distance from you because of it. For a man in this situation, it's the worst form of rejection. This is a huge blow to his self esteem, and the fear of it happening again and again could carry over into his future relationships if you do get a divorce. Does that seem like a fair position to put him in?
I think maybe you might have some misconceptions about erectile dysfunction. For one, it can have many causes. In some cases it is stress, but for others it could be due to physiological factors or even chemical exposure (past or current). Finding out the cause doesn't mean the solution comes with resolving it. The standard treatment at this time is with medication. For some cases, the condition can improve over time with psychotherapy and other interventions, but for others it will not. The medication serves to help him function normally. I don't think you should look down upon him having to use it, because he definitely needs it and it will help him function more normally and thus feel more normal. I think for you to make it a deal-breaker is not only tearing away at his self esteem, but it's also prohibiting him from using something he needs to treat a valid medical condition. If you were to do this to a child, it would be considered medical neglect!
Secondly, erectile dysfunction does not mean a man is impotent. In Islam, there are grounds for divorce if a mate cannot bear you a child. Your husband may be fully capable of fathering a child, but just has a hinderence in getting things in order so that he can complete that part of the task. Again, the medication would treat that problem and enable him to ejaculate normally. His sperm count has nothing to do with raising the flag. It's a difference of beginnings and endings.
I think the fact he didn't tell you about this has damaged some of your trust with him, but it can be repaired. I suggest you educate yourself a little more on his condition, even go with him to the doctor to ask questions if you both feel comfortable doing so. I would also suggest you both meet with a marital counselor to discuss what this condition means to both of you, and what you both would like your marriage to look like working around it.
Most importantly, I hope you can try to be patient with him. You've barely known this man and already you are looking at permanent solutions, even though the problem is very solveable. In marriage, we can look at all the negative aspects (because there will always be those) and decide we don't love our spouse anymore. Or, we can look at all the positive things and realize what a wonderful person we've been blessed to share life with. One thing that may help you in your situation is to let him take the medication as he needs to. Ignore the fact of why it's happening and just interact with him as if he were a regular guy. Deep down, that's what he would really want from you anyway, and I think it's also what you want to do as well.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Another aspect I'd like to add is the fact that many men may not start out with this condition when they first marry, but years down the road it can crop up. If you had married someone who didn't have this now, but they developed it in 15 years, would you consider divorcing them then just because of that?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sis Amy, if the condition developed after the marriage, be it 15 years or 5 months, sister Ragey will not feel cheated. Though I support your concern that the couple should try to save the marriage, please also note that her husband does not provide for her since she works. He cannot provide nafkah batin and does not make an effort to provide nafkah dzhahir. How not to feel nothing for him. All efforts should not just come from her alone.
Salaams,
I am not sure what there terms you used mean, but it was my understanding that the sister had accepted the current arrangement until her studies are over, at which point they will begin living together and he will presumably support her. Needless to say, if that's not the case and it is a problem they should start living together now so he can take care of her needs. Just the same, that's a separate issue from the main issue in her post - the erectile dysfunction.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think Nafkhah Dhaahir translates to material provisions and Nafkhah Baatin translates to conjugal rights
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister
Talaq is your right, any time you feel this is not going to have a future.
I understand that you are still a virgin with him, and that he was not able to perform even for once. Make istikharah, but to tell you the truth, leaving him now is better for everybody. This is not a good start at all. and the fact that you feel cheated will remain with you for life time. So forgive him and take your talaq.
Yes brother Mohamed waseem
Nafkhah Dhaahir translates to material provisions like money housing food
Nafkhah Baatin translates to conjugal rights like intimacy and sex
dear sis,
Amy has given a detailed reply and i would say the same.
just want to add, erectile dysfuncton, and for that matter premature ejaculation or any of these sexual dysfunction are very much treatable problems. just like if you found out after marriage that actually you are suffering from vaginismus.
i suggest you work together as a couple and look at it as couple who are facing a problem in their marriage. psycho-sexual councelling and sometimes medication like Viagra are needed. so its not like he is taking DRUGS or drinking alcohol etc. you have to give value to his imaan. if he is a good man and loves you then please give your relationship a fair chance. i undestand it is bit frustrating on your part but thats when you can play your role of supporting wife , like he would have if you had vaginismus etc.
i have met couples at consultation ( for their infertility treatment) some have these problems and alhamdullilah many manage to have overcome this problem. one couple particulary i remember where this man had a spinal cord injury and he did face problems but mashallah his wife was so supportive and patient and together they were working on it . another couple where the wife has severe vaginimus and mashallah her husband was so patient , eventually when i saw her being pregnant she explained to me that her husband used his finger to deposit sperm in vagina and that how she got pregnant. they are still having councelling and inshallah Allah will make it easy for them.( sorry for this explicit storires i dont mean to make anyone uncomfortable) .
my sisterly advice to you is that you seek medical help, councelling , dont be embarrased to ask for help as it will save your marriage and make both of you a stronger couple. also viagra is not a poison or harram thing , so please dontbe so scared of it.
last thing, i know people will will disagree with me and i agree that before entering into marriage such things should be mentioned but sister its very difficult to tell this to anyone.
may Allah put love and mercy between your hearts. ameen.
Sister you veryselfish shame on U
To my dear sister,
When someone as a problem like that, it would be very hard for him To tell you before marriage.
Another thing to consider is that this is not his fault. I am sure he would like to have a healthy and fucnctioning body. So the fact that his is embarrassed and you are putting pressure on him to perform just makes it worse. Imagine if you had breast cancer, and your partner just made you feel worse and unattractive versus being supportive.
Be patient with him and. Yourself and know that in marriage it is not easy and will never be easy. This is ur challenge for the moment. Are you going to be kind and supportive or are you going to make things negative for the both of you? This is a choice that you have to make.
Have fun and be creative in the bedroom to get his confidence up and consult a doctor as this is a medical condition and whatever works let him use it.
Marriage is challenging, and consider that living with any other man is no walk in the park. So make the best of your marriage, and work together and maybe you will grow to love him and let go of your anger and mistrust.
Wa alaikum as Salaam,
I found this posting because I was searching for Islamic advice on this very issue. My husband suffers from premature ejaculation. And this is something he knew about before we married and neglected to tell me about it. I would have divorced him if I hadn't gotten pregnant on our wedding night.
Anyway, I am still considering divorce because I have resorted to masturbation to pleasure myself. 98% of the reason I married was so I could have as much intercourse as I wanted. I feel like I want it a lot. So him keeping this from me was devastating to say the least.
In my mind, and Allah knows best, if you are at risk for committing haram and you feel that you will not be able to remain chase, you should divorce. Because as you have said, marriage is supposed to be a protection for you, and this marriage is clearly not.
He should have said something to you. This is your right. You cannot go out and get a second husband to make up for his deficiencies. You are not at all being selfish. Your duty to protect yourself from the hellfire.
Salaam,
Jasmine
Jasmine ,
I know this is very old post 🙂
Unfortunately there is no guaranty that marriage solves your problems all the time .
There is no guaranty even if other husband don;t have this problem .
Some people loose interest after some time ,some couples don't find spouse attractive later , some are burdened under the heavy commitments and responsibilities ,some are too busy in work ..Over all there is no guaranty that marriage will solve sexual problems .
TELL HIM TO GET HIJAMA..make dua...use honey, black seed, olive oil, exercise, fish oil, natural herbal remedies...drugs like viagra are a 'quick-fix', fast 'solutions' that don't solve the root of the problem..kind of like taking anti-depressants..never the less try to see what your medical doctor has to say..but try these things..go for umrah, hajj, make DUA, make Istighfar..eat healthy inshaAllah inshaAllah i hope he is cured for himself and for you..do not forget HIJAMA
For those of us who don't know what is HIJAMA????
Not that my husband has this problem in fact quite the opposite-just not with me-I just wanted to know for sake of general knowledge
As salaamu alaikum,
my dear sister, i am very sorry to hear your story but let me explain you this. I've always been thinking of marrying a physically challenged or some girl who was deserted by evryone because i wanted to be the hope of at-least one whom no one cares and asks for. For me, sex isn't evrything but of course i know and i understand that each one of us expects to have the wonderful pleasure that Allah has kept for a husband and a wife. And i always think from the other side of the scenario, like you didn't know that your husband wasn't strong enough to satisfy you, the same way a guy wouldn't know if his wife can be a mother in future or not. But believe me, i have seen men whose wives can never become mother but they still love their wives since being parent is not everything. Its all Allahs will and blessing and remember if Allah gives u something less then somewhere he will give u times more than what you missed out here.
However, this is my view and rest's upto you.
i wish Allah bless you both and give your husband good strenght and a seeds of love be sown in ur relation.
Ameen.
Asalamualikum wa rehmathullahi wa berakathuhu
sister we can understand your pain.. but there are many incidence like women who never get pregnant have delivered baby by the grace of Allah. and men who are not capable of making their wife pregnant .. even their wife have delivered without any problem by the grace of Allah so its Allah who provides us everything
divorce is not a solution for anything just keep praying to Allah about your every problems and please try to forgive him if Allah can forgive his servents why cant we forgive them?? but talaq will be the most foolish decision please as Allah hates talaq so please sister
Sister,
The most important advice is the word the inner voice can offer. He should have told you, this is true, but why would he. The more he tells, the lonelier he feels. Allah is with us all, however. You have no control over this matter as it stands, your husband does. It is his responsibility to find his treatment. If he will not look into himself to find the cause, he is not participating in the marriage. Allow yourself your feelings, do not suppress them, and see where they lead you. Allah is there. The most responsible thing to do is to pray and meditate and strive to connect to what you know is right and true. Trust in yourself.
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
Not throwing any accusations but could
Be a possibility. Please read and educate your husband. May Allah help you both. Ameen.
P.s before I get told off by anybody please first read the website. Barak Allahu feek
salam alia kum,
dear sister,
Your husband not only hide about his impotency but
he also did not tell you about his family background.
100% he have his parents and he was married due to impotency he left his wife and parents
then as you are masoom he cheated you.
my advice is give him divorce, and get another marriage.
read istaqara 2 rakat sure Allah will show u right way.
I completely agree. You are masoom and this is "ZULM". In Islam we don't have boyfriend -our husbands are the only source of pleasure. That's why this is not only wrong but shameful and sinful for him. This is a basic human need. You need to get out!!
I think you get out immediately and run. This man is dishonest. It will become extremely hard as years pass by. Islam requires men to fulfill all their wives desires physically . If and when you have children it will even become harder for you.
Plus a lot of men are using religion to hide their underlying condition in order to get a girl to show the world they are normal..
This is the most selfish and stupid stuff i have read in a long time... How can you tell her to run & and that he is dishonest. What do you know about that? This is a very hard issue to talk about, and men feel ashamed of This. all sexual issues can be worked on. She could help him by beeing a bit more seductive and helpfull. He could give her climax i many other ways that just by penetration. He could use his hands and do a lot other stuff to satisfy her. But telling her to run is such a selfish Thing. No one tell about their sexual issues easy, because it is so embaressing for men to talk about and humiliating. Why dont you try to understand the man also. Maybe he is a good man and would be a good partner in other ways. Why are you so judging... As a woman - Reading This - i feel ashamed for the woman race... How Selfish. Do some flirty, sexy and seductive thing your self to saitisfy your men. Not just want for the penetration. He should divorce her for her Big ego. Wa salam Zeena.