Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not coming home

I want my husband back

I am from pakistan. I am 24 and my husband is the same age. We married at the age of 17 without the consent of my family.I was not at all in love with him, but it was just due to his suicidal attempts that I had to do whatever he said. He was after me from the age of ten years.I knew that he was not mature, but he kept insisting that he will keep me happy.

After marriage, my heart filled with enormous love for him. Now that I am a mother of a two year old daughter, still he is living a bachelor's life. He goes at 8pm with his friends, and comes at around 5am daily. His friends are all unmarried and elite class. He never prays, no fasting or any other command of Allah. And if I ask him to stay at home or come early, he uses abusive language with me.

He smokes and also use sheesha the whole night with friends, goes to dance parties occasionally, and even after coming home never cares for me. I am deprived of my sexual rights also.  He never spends time with me or my daughter, and this loneliness is killing me. He provided me with every luxury. He says that only food, shelter and provisions are the rights of a wife, and after providing that the husband is Allowed by Allah to remain away for his relaxation and enjoyment.

I am just broken as I have no option, nor can I go back. I want my marital life to be normal. I want care, attention and time. Please help me out. I can't leave him.I want him to be faithful to Allah, and to care for his family.

-sana hanif

Tagged as: , , , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. Sister all you can do is make dua for your husband and pray that he guides him in the right path. Its up to Allah to guide whom he wants, but be gentle because he shouldnt pray because you are shaming him, but he should pray because he loves Allah. Find good islamic lectures, send him the link and listen to it together. I like this response to wife who's husband does not pray.

    Also, have discussion with him about what is going on and his behaviour and how tis making you feel. Sometimes when i fidn it hard to talk about something, i write my husband a hand written letter. That way, I really think about what I am saying and he gets to read it at his own pace and process the information.

    I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, it sounds like you husband has some growing up to do. Just make dua, you keep doing the right things and inshallah may Allah make things easy for you my dear.

  2. Salaams,

    It seems as though he manipulated you into marrying him with the suicidal gestures, and now he's manipulating you into accepting the level of commitment and intimacy he is exhibiting. Is there anything about him at all that gives you hope or a belief that he will get his life together and grow up?

    He has a wife and child. His priorities should've changed several years ago, but since they haven't and he's still doing the things you say, I don't see why he would feel it necessary to change. After all, you're not going anywhere, so why should he?

    I'm not going to tell you to divorce or not. But I think your husband needs a huge wake up call. You will have to do something drastic to change what is going on in the relationship. For one, you need your own life outside of your husband. You are waiting around for him to be what he should be for you, and he's not coming up to that expectation. Start getting involved in things you enjoy, spending time with friends, or even get a job you like.

    Another thing you can do to show him that things are seriously deteriorating is to move back home. Tell him you won't move back in with him until he changes his lifestyle and habits. Tell him you and your child need a real father and husband, not a swinging bachelor.

    Personally, I feel that when you married him that was the first mistake. Fortunately, mistakes can sometimes be undone. It's up to you however to decide if you want to try to undo it, and how. All I can tell you is that for all the wives who wish their husband would change to be what he should be, very few find that wish coming true. You can only change yourself in the end, so you have to decide what you're willing to accept and what you're not. If you're not willing to accept his behaviors, then don't. You have options, so think them over and choose which is the best for you in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

  3. OP: He smokes and also use sheesha the whole night with friends, goes to dance parties occasionally, and even after coming home never cares for me. I am deprived of my sexual rights also. He never spends time with me or my daughter, and this loneliness is killing me. He provided me with every luxury

    When did this smoking, all night parties start? When did he stop having sex with you? In his mind providing you with all your needs monetary needs is taking care and loving you. Smoking can adversely effect sexual activity/desire. Is he a chain smoker?

    When was the last time you and him had a normal life.

    You need to do activities together that can bring enjoyment & relaxation to both of you. Do you guys have any social life?

    He had attempted suicide before you married him. He may still have a severe psychological problem(s). Smoking and being with friends may be working as a therapy for him. Did he spend more time with you when he was sexually active with you?

    Forcing him to stay with you is not going to work. Life style has to change where he can relax and entertain at home or outside with you and family/friends.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    I am very sorry for your predicament. Unfortunately, you are not alone. Though there may be backlash for this comment, I witnessed this type of behaviour from quite a few men in Pakistan. They have access to all sorts of haram things which destroy the nucleus of a family.

    Sister, your husband says that he is responsible for food, shelter and provisions--which are the responsibilities of a father to a daughter or a brother to a sister--so what then sets a husband apart from those relationships? It is obvious that it is being loving and caring for her intimacy and emotional needs.

    Personally, I do not think he is behaving this way because you are his wife, I think he is behaving this way because it is the person he is. You are in a very difficult position as separation/divorce is difficult and every person there would tell you that you are crazy if all your financial needs are being met--this is the reality of the situation.

    I suggest that you follow Sr. Amy's advice and learn to live a life of your own by finding happiness. Become assertive. Do not cry so easily in his presence. Be respectful to him but you need to show him that you can find happiness even if he deprives you of love--become connected to Allah swt, cry to Him, pray to Him, ask Him again and again and make a difference in your daughter's life, your servant's life, your family's life--begin to make changes in yourself. Meanwhile, as you pray to Allah swt to soften his heart and you show solid change in yourself, hopefully he change. This is what you can do--as one option. Other options may be to leave him...but you have made it clear you don't want that.

    I pray to Allah swt to strengthen you and to make your husband the best man he has the potential of becoming, Ameen!

    • Hi Saba,
      Is this true here in Pakistan? It has been very upsetting to come all the way here to Pakistan from a different country and be treated so awfull and I do not have much support here. I can not even do shopping as I do not know the language so sometimes husband does not bring much food and I feel helpless because there are no prices on items in the shops here and I do not know the language well enough to bargain. It was my mistake to come here and I am making plans to get out of it thank Allah. My husband just says hes working but I do not believe it. He stays away 4 nights at a time. These men must lead double lives.

      • Merva: He stays away 4 nights at a time. These men must lead double lives.

        That sounds strange? Are you sure he has no other wife?

        If he is working, why can't he give you details like what kind of work he is doing, what company he is working with, what is the location, phone number of company?

        Did he get citizenship of another country by marrying you?

        • Selam alekum Svc.,
          Thank you for responding. Yes he stays away that long but always makes excuses and I study so he always said he is just giving me time for study but I know it cant be true. I thought he was working but then a friend told me he was lying to me and that all day he just spends time at her friends home. That bothered me a lot and I was in a shock that he was lying to me. But he has lied before to me and also to other people. There is evidence that he has done online cheating and asking other girls for marriage before while telling me he had no plans for for second marriage. So I can not trust him. To me the most important thing in marriage is trust the person. So if he is constantly dishonest I can not stay in marriage like that.
          He has no citizenship from my country as far as I know even though we have a Pakistani marriage and I have residence here in Pak. But he always talks of travel and he even asked a friend of mine for money which is very rude and it should have been a red flag to me. Well I have learned and inshallah will not make the same mistakes. Now Im just working on leaving Pakistan to get away from him. I know he lives a double life, but of course he always makes excuses. He also took all my money when I arrived here saying he would pay it back so now I am needing help from friends to go back out on my own again.

      • Yes, it happens. We assume that just because the majority of Pakistani people call themselves Muslims that they practice Islam perfectly. There is a huge cultural influence on how they practice Islam. A simple example is to look at how weddings occur--Mehndi parties, Jahayz (dowry), Laal jora (red bridal clothes) are practices that are also practiced by non-Muslims--and I'm not saying culture is bad or wearing red is wrong on Weddings, but when you are no longer able to separate and know which one is which, people's rights are taken away for cultural reasons because people think that the culture is the Deen.

        Shopping outside for a woman in Pakistan is extremely difficult especially for foreign women. Not only would you not know what prices are reasonable, but you wouldn't know what places are safe. In fact, even if you can speak Urdu and Punjabi fluently, they would sense you are from abroad.

        Did you post a question on this website? I get a feeling that I read your post.

        May Allah make it easy for you.

        • Selam alekum Sabba,
          Are you from Pakistan? Yes it is impossible for me to be independent here because of being a foreigner a friend told me shopping is hard because they will cheat me alot thinking I have more money , when I really am not wealthy at all. But it has made me completely dependent on my husband and he has actually left me with little food and necessities. So it has actually not been safe. He is a very neglectful person. I just sense here even though women do go out it is not really safe and as a foreign woman it seems more unsafe for me. It has been a night mare here! Although I know this is just my experience with one Pakistani man and Im sure there are many good Pakistani men and people. I just experienced a bad husband and I had intuition before I came here that he was bad , but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I understand what Allah was trying to teach me now which is to always listen to my intuition along with prayer always.Now I am just doing what I can to get out of this situation. It makes me so sad as I thought he was a strong and good Muslim man , but he does not even pray. I realize he was just looking for me to work here and take care of him , because I have a good education, so he said I could get a good job here. He does not have a regular job but quits jobs a lot and his sister said he is irresponsible and undependable. I have payed our rent with savings since I came here. It hurts alot to be used but I have learned a lot and I doubt I would make the same mistake again. So I would sister listen to your intuition as well. A man who goes out all the time, and is never with you is no good and he must lead a double life.

  5. Hi sister,
    I am sorry this is happening to you. I can relate as I am married to a Pakistani man and going through the same thing. I also am living in Pakistan and came here from a different country so it has been quite a shock to find my self abandoned most of the time. It seems these men think a wife is good for nothing but sex and when the husband needs her. This is not Islam and you deserve alot better sister. Why do you feel stuck? You can get a divorce if you are not treated well and respected by your husband. This is unacceptable behavior from a husband and we women put up with too much degradation and then call it Islam when really it is cultural. He probably wont change unless he wants to change. You can talk to him and if his behavior does not change you cancan seek khula. Your a young woman and you can find a better Muslim husband to treat you with respect. I am 35 and trying to get out of this as it is just oppressive to have a husband that just stays out. It is not the women's fault for this so do not buy that . Unless a man decides he wants to change , you can not change him . You can only change yourself. Abuse is not just physical but emotional and neglect is just as bad. It seems to be accepted though from what I have observed in Pakistan. Although I am sure there are some very good Muslim men here and I just met a bad one. But I just sense that women here are second class. This should stop as it just is not Islam and Muslim women should never accept any abuse whether physical , neglect or emotional. This occurs because men can get a way with it and the coummunity just looks the other way. I wish you the best and know you deserve better and you have rights. May Allah guide you.

Leave a Response