Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want out of this marriage as my husband’s condition hasn’t improved even after two and a half years.

law fiqh marriage divorce

Salaam alaykum ,

I am married this man some 2 n half years ago. He was not a normal person; I came to know about his mental illness(suffering from OCD ) only after the marriage which his parents had hidden from me. I was not able to tolerate it as the illness makes him do things very late and sometimes he speaks to himself ,takes hours to finish his prayers and moreover we are not compatible by a percent. We had many fights; seeked psychiatric help to cure him and save the marriage but now after 2 and half years; he is still the same and now I don't want to continue as I am losing my own mental stability due to the stress he is causing me; can I go for  divorce? we have a 1 n half year old son and he is my only concern now and my husband pleads me not to go away. I am in a difficult situation but I really need a life; a life of happiness.

Any sincere advice for this desperate muslimah....?

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Even though divorce is hated by Allah, it is permitted. It is adviseable that those who are considering seeking a divorce do everything they possibly can to salvage the marriage first, but it sounds like you have tried your best to make this situation work. Serious mental illness, especially if it was not disclosed prior to the marriage, has been considered one of the valid reasons to seek a divorce.

    If you feel there is anything else you can do to salvage the marriage, then try it. However, if he is suffering from mental illness and refuses or unable to get appropriate treatment for it, and it is directly affecting you and your child, then you both have the right to seek ease for that situation. I understand that this may be difficult for your husband and he wants you to stay, but he must realize that his illness is going to be a significant issue with any woman he marries so it's important that he find a way to get proper treatment for it or find a lady who has a significant fortitude for dealing with the mentally ill.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Sister, I think you have already decided to take divorce from your husband and you are writing here to get like minded advice. Only you know what is the exact reason for seeking divorce.

    Its up to you to decide if you can live with your husband and not. Yes, you have the right to be happy and live your own life. My only point is that whatever you decide please keep Allah(swt) in mind.


  3. AA;

    OCD is not a rare illness or mental condition. It has medications and you can talk about it and deal with it. It is just that I am nto sure if both of you thinking seriously about fixing it or not. Of course, it is more work on his side than yours. Also, Islam can help with it, there are things you can do, think, and practice to make you over come OCD. I hope it is not the case as "Concerned" put it, that you made up your mind already. I think there is still hope, and I think you two just need to look in the right direction.


    • Salam-Aloiekum,
      Sister OCD is quite common and there are many remedies for this disease. Contrary to what Sister Amy has said, NO it is not serious mental illness. The severity changes from case to case. It can be serious in some cases but most of the cases its nothing.

      Also, I didn't want to suggest that you should leave your husband. If you and your husband want this problem can be solved or reduced to an extent that its not a problem anymore. There are many famous people who had OCD but led successful lives. I'll humbly suggest that you should ask your husband to seek some serious counselling and try to control this problem himself. Only he can do it, but will definitely need your support.

      Also don't think of an OCD as a crazy person. Frankly the way you are blaming your husband's parents is wrong. One important point is that many people do not even know what OCD is and they have it or not.

      Yes, if you look at the literature of OCD it comes out some horrible mental illness, but don't we all have some form of mental illness in one or another part of our lives. Sometimes we get depressed. Sometimes we get SAD(Seasonal affective disorder). Sometimes we have phobias. Sometimes we have social anxiety disorder. Sometimes we have post-traumatic stress disorder. And sometimes we have OCD. And the list of these disorders goes on and on.

      Sister please be honest here: don't you some sort of phobia. You can go to this list:

      I bet you can find something on this list, or perhaps you have something which is not on this list.

      Be it Hypsiphobia, Didaskaleinophobia,Decidophobia, Pteromerhanophobia. These are all mental illnesses by definition. And by their names they look horrible mental illnesses.

      Hypsiphobia is fear of height.
      Didaskaleinophobia is fear of going to school.
      Decidophobia is fear of making decisions.
      Pteromerhanophobia is fear of flying.

      OCD is just another mental illness just like all these phobias which I mentioned. InshaAllah when your son grows up and if he has Didaskaleinophobia. Will you leave him, or will you kick his ass to go to school and study so he can make his life better.

      Sister my point is, OCD is just another mental illness among other ones. There are many mental illnesses which we might have and which we might not even know. And just like any illness its curable. I'll humbly suggest that you and more importantly your husband should try to get over it seriously.

      I hope I helped.


      • Salaams,

        If you re-read my post, I did not say OCD was either serious or not serious. I only said that serious mental illness has been considered a grounds for divorce . Obviously, the type and severity of OCD one may have is going to vary from person to person, as you said. But I think it's naive to say "most of the cases its nothing". Have you worked with this population in particular, to be able to say that? Actually, many cases of it are very debilitating and could be classified as 'serious'. However, these cases only become so severe because the patient isn't fully motivated to do what's necessary to overcome the challenges involved.

        The truth is, none of us know how severe this person's case is. He may be requiring her to wash many times just to be intimate with her. He may embarrass her by his rituals in public, if he even ventures out. He may stifle her right to a reasonable life by always requiring her to be at home with him "on call", because he fears that her being too far away (perhaps even in another room) will trigger a panic attack.

        One of the important things she mentioned is that he has been to doctors already but yet is still having strong symptoms. What this tells me is that he is likely not doing all he is able to get proper treatment, which of course is going to impact anyone else in the home. If anyone were married to someone with mental illness, consistent and correct management of their symptoms is going to be vital. It doesn't matter if it's OCD or depression or PTSD or bipolar or phobias. We all are obligated to take care of our health, and not let it become a burden or inconvenience on others. This doesn't mean she should automatically divorce him, but it does mean that if he is making unreasonable demands upon her because he is not managing his problem, she is not obligated to live like that.

        -Amy Editor

  4. Assalaamu alaykum,

    jazakallah for the responses,OCD is a treatable illness but my husband seems to have much more complications than this illness ,he is a reserved, withdrawn guy ,his illness is severe to the extent he doesnt stay in a particular job,many of the times he is fired and a few he resigns on his own....its been 2 months n he is out of any job ,neither he seeks a job nor does he allow me to seek one, as he thinks women are strictly forbidden to work in he wants me to live with him in courtesy of his swinging jobs and with the salaries of other male members of the family ,which my ghairiat doesnt allows....He was not a normal person even before marriage and he had many treatments(including CT and MRI scans)...his parents knew all of this and they curtained it from they blame me for not being co-operative and adjusting....

  5. AA;

    I pray to Allah help him and you, grant you patience, bring peace love and cure for him, and save your marriage. Ameen.


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