Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband provides no financial support, but still wants intercourse

empty wallet, poor

No money.

i would like to briefly describe my question. if husband doesn't want to take any responsibility in a marriage relation, and  wife has to look after her and the children, what does islam say about it?

if wife stay seperate and husband doesn't give any shelter, money, spending money, no cost to the wife and children, what can the wife do about it?

even though he is not doing anything for his family, he wants to visit sometimes and have intercourse with his wife. is it permissible for him to keep such a relation where he is not taking any responsibility towards the wife and children?

he doesn't want to divorce her and she doesn't want to divorce him either. Is it permissible in islam to keep such a relation? if not, what can wife do to get him back and fulfil their duties towards each other?

- aishaboshri

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63 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    The duties of a husband toward a wife, and the duties of a wife toward a husband are two separate things. What this means is, if a man negates his duties toward his wife, it does not automatically mean she is no longer accountable for her duties toward him. Those remain, whether he is fulfilling her rights or not. The same is true in the opposite direction: if a man is fulfilling all his rights to his wife but she is denying him his, he still has to provide for her even if she is not providing for him.

    So, in your case, the fact that your husband is not fulfilling your rights to be taken care of financially doesn't mean you are allowed to withhold sex from him as a form of punishment. He still has his marital rights upon you, and for you to deny them will put you in a cursed position. However, giving everything in a relationship and not getting anything back isn't equitable or Islamic either. In your case, it would be best if you can sit down and talk about the issues and see if they can come to some type of resolution.

    For instance, why isn't he supporting you? Is he poor? Is he being stubborn and withholding it from you even though he has the money and means? Is he unemployed? If so, is he doing everything he can to find work, or is he sitting around benefitting from you being the sugar mama? The answers to these questions will tell you whether he is really committed to you, and whether the marriage has a chance of working out (money/sex notwithstanding). If he is a lazy bum or a selfish miser, then you are going to have a difficult time getting your rights by him. Continuing in the marriage will only harm you, not him.

    On the other hand, if he is just facing some unfortunate circumstances and is doing everything he can to turn it around, your patience and support and generosity (by way of fulfilling his rights he still has upon you) will only help make the situation more tolerable all the way around.

    The bottom line is there are only so many options available to you. You can either accept what is, work to change it, or leave the situation and find ease. If you don't like what's going on and you don't think it can or will change, then the logical advice is to get out of the relationship. The only other option is to continue in it and be dissatisfied, but who wants to do that? It doesn't sound like YOU do.

    -Amy Editor

    • Salam aleykum amy

      I dont know if this comment will reach you. inshallah it does because after reading your posts I see you speak sense and with honesty.

      (Nardar, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

    • If a woman disobeys her husband, she is not denied her rights and if so, please provide evidence for your claim. Your statement is very short, unclear and open-ended--therefore, it leads to many misunderstandings for such a sensitive topic.

      A husband can take steps to either continue to work on that relationship with her OR he can divorce her, but even during divorce, there are so many protocols outlined in the Quran that have to be followed--but I have never ever read that rights (for maintenance that you have mentioned) can be refused. If there is so many detailed steps leaning towards mercy in divorce, why on earth would there not be in maintaining a marriage?

      • Jazak Allah for your time to provide that information.

        To be frank, I still do not feel satisfied by the answer because I don't see support from the Quran or an example from the history of the Prophet. Also, how does a man stop providing maintenance to his wife for disobedience for a moment? You need not reply back and I don't want to stretch this conversation out, but I only wanted to add some balance to your post. I would share the following:

        "If, on the other hand, we were to approach marriage purely in literalistic, legal terms, detached as it is from the holistic perspective of Islamic ethics and morality, we end up pitting husband and wife against one another; this will ultimately end up creating discord and disharmony rather than harmony and love which, according to the Qur’an, is the spirit and soul pervading a healthy marriage relationship." [Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, Senior Lecturer and Islamic Scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada]

        [Source: ]

        Again, thank you for your time in sharing.

      • The hujjah is what Allah said and what his messenger said not what the madhahaab said

    • Are you in your mind ,if women disobey her he still has to maintain her financial responsibility otherwise let her go,please improve your knowlege of islam before giving wrong messages.

    • True also I'm a poor Muslim man and some times the sister with wealth will become arrogant due to her feeling she is the head and that can lead a man to sin

      • Salaam
        First of all husband means he must fulfill the duties as s husband. If a man marry and does not fulfill his duties, he is not called a Husband, I do not know whst are they called. Just by getting married he can't be a husband if he can't fulfill his responsibility. If the wife is willing to do her duties as a wife, that is their own individual thinking. No one can Say anything. At the same ttime if the wife feels that she is being misused, it's better to get a divorce and lead a seperate life and the so called Husband has to agree to it. If he continues to misuse without divorcing, he really will face the punishment from Allah.

    • I agree with Amy,most accurate and balance approach.


    • Assalamualaikum, i know that this thread was an old one and maybe i am too late for replying this, but I just want to tell you that nushuz does not translate to disobey... because according to surah an nisa (4:128-130) both husband and wife can conduct nushuz.. There is nowhere in al quran that says wife should obey her husband. Qanitaat is used many times in Al Quran and applies to both men and women and translates to obedient towards Allah. Not obedient towards husband.

  2. In short he is wrong

  3. Salam,

    This might be redundent answer, as i dont read the answers of other people to give my openion.(Male point of View)

    One of the reasons that the man does not want to divorce her, is becuase he want to be able to have intercourse when he wants. There is no love in the relationship. He comes for what he needs when he needs it. This is decision for you to make, the reason he is living seperate is because he is searching for another women, and he cant make that happen if he is living with his wife. This is a tough situation, because the man is doing what he wants and the women is stuck, angery and fustrated.

    The man turned to be very unsincere, if i was in this situation i would look for another man.

    Khuda hafiz

  4. salaam, in Islam man is responsible for his family & women keeps ALL her wealth, unfortunately now days Muslims have turned like disbelievers & make the women pay & then they also treat women badly.

    here are few links & videos that you can show to your husband as 'Proof' to change... (Dr Zakir Naik ‘Misconceptions about Islam) (Dr zakir Naik Women’s Rights in Islam [full] Sheikh Abdul Majid "Prophet's Advice to a Young Man & Woman HD 1080p "

    • i so agree with you brother but there's no way i would take this either so she is better of leaving him becasue theres no way she is happy being used as a door mat.

  5. It's wrong what he is doing... May Allah swt give the sister sabbar and the ability to come to the right decision for her xx

    Allah hafiz. Xxx

  6. As long as you're married your husband has the right to you even if he doesn't perform his duties towards you and you have the right to your husband even if you don't perform your duties towards him. So yes, it is permissable for your husband to be intimate with you.

    However, I don't understand why any woman in her right mind and with respect for herself would want to remain in a marriage with a man who neglects her and their children severely. You have the right to divorce him in this case, but you don't want to so I guess no one can give you any other advice than you just have to get used to not seeing a penny form your husband, but still give him sex :). That's truly a blissful life, isn't it? lol.

  7. The woman actually doesn't "HAVE" to give sex to her husband without her consent. If the husband were to force her to have sex without her consent then that is rape even the sheikh says this. So the woman can punish the husband for not fulfilling his duties to his home. The woman is not a slave nor is she a sex toy she is a human being and also has feelings. Vice Versa with the Man if his wife neglects her duties and he wishes to punish her he too can keep her from sex with him.

    • FYI
      read this

      In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

      Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

      �When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, thus he spends the night in anger, then the angels curse her until morning.� (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, See: Riyad al-Salihin, No. 281)

      Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

      �When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, then she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.� (Sunan al-Tirmizi & Sunan al-Nasa�i)

      Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

      �By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.� (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)

    • Also this rape concept is new idea and its been published too much - As islam is religion of justice - there is nothing mentioned forcefull sex as rape with wife --

      it is mentioned in different angle and perspective and refrain from following religious actors blindly or so called sheikhs who are none other than misleading actors of religion. And in the end of time which is we are observing today - clearly hadis are present about religious leaders of last hour would almost all will be sinful and persons who lead people to hell due they spread hate between muslim (Firqa bindi ) and forget real teaching of islam and focus only dirty politics for self gain .

      Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

      �By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.� (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)

      The above and other narrations of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) clearly signify the importance of the wife obeying her husband in his request for sexual intimacy. It will be a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more, if this leads the husband into the unlawful.

      Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above:

      �This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (haram) for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths).� (Sharh Sahih Muslim, P. 1084)

      However, this does not in any way mean that the husband may force himself over her for sexual gratification. The Hadith mentions that,

      �the husband spends the night in anger or being displeased,�

      which clearly shows that he must restrain himself from forcing himself over her. Had this not been the case, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would have advised the husband to gain his right in a forceful manner.

      Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey him as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husband�s request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration.

      Allah Most High says:

      �On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear� (al-Baqarah, 286)

      Many times it is observed that the husband demands from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs no matter what state she is in, and uses the above quoted Hadiths to impose himself over her.

      If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire!

      Finally, these matters should be resolved with mutual understanding, regard for one another, love, gentleness and putting one�s spouse before one�s self.

      The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) has reported to have said:

      �None of you can be a true believer until they love for their brother what they love for themselves.�

      The importance of this is even greater in a marital relationship.

      And Allah knows best

      • Assalamu alekoum,

        I wonder what your thoughts are on the application of verse 4:34:

        Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

        We see here that maintenance is mentioned first, not the wife's obedience. Also, as you see from this verse a husband is told what to do in the case of a disobedient/arrogant (to All with regard her responsibilities) wife; advise her to the right way, keep away from sexual relations with her, and to strike her lightly. No where is withholding maintenance mentioned as a form of corrective action.

    • Salaam I agree with you

    • Hats off to u. May allah fulfill all ypur wishes. - a muslim.

  8. Praise be to Allaah.
    The husband has to treat his wife in a good and kind manner, and to spend on her food, drink, clothing and accommodation, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
    “and live with them honourably”
    [al-Nisa’ 4:19]
    “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise”
    [al-Baqarah 2:228]

    Ahmad (20025) and Abu Dawood (2142) narrated that Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of any one of us over him?” He said: “That you should feed her when you feed yourself, clothe her when you clothe yourself, you should not hit her on the face, you should not curse her and you should not forsake her except in the house.”
    Al-Albaani said concerning this hadeeth in Saheeh Abi Dawood: (it is) hasan saheeh.
    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined good treatment of women in more than one hadeeth. Hence the husband has to fear Allaah with regard to his wife, and give each person his or her rights. Honouring one's parents and upholding the ties of kinship do not conflict with treating one's wife kindly and honouring her and taking care of her. The best that can be mentioned concerning that is the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (3895) and Ibn Maajah (1977). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) regarded being kind to one's family as being the criterion with regard to who is best. Whoever wants to be one of the best of the Muslims should be kind to his family, which includes being kind to one’s wife, children and relatives.
    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You will never spend anything seeking thereby the Face of Allaah, but you will be rewarded for it, even (the food) that you put in your wife’s mouth.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 56.

    Your women are a حَرْثٌ (tilth[i]) for you, so come to حَرْثَكُم (your tilth) however you like. Send good ahead for yourselves and have fear of Allah. Know that you are going to meet Him. And give good news to the believers.” (2:222-223)

    The context of these verses is undoubtedly referring to sexual relations between the husband and wife.

    From 2:222 we can see intercourse should be avoided when women are menstruating, however once the menstruation has ended and the woman has cleansed herself then intercourse is fine again. It is clear that this is specifically referring to intercourse and the impurity that can be associated with it during the menstrual period. It says nothing of other physical contact, so the idea that women should be apart or be deprived of any physical contact during the menstrual period has no basis.

    Verse 2:223 indicates a few things: -

    The analogy of the wife as a tilth for the husband reflects the simple reality wherein the husband 'sows' his seed and wife brings forth a return in terms of a child.

    It implies that a husband can approach his wife sexually however he likes.

    Husband and wife are reminded that they must send good before them and fear Allah and know that they will meet him.

    The wife should be receptive to her husband and his needs, and the husband should remember Allah to purify his mind before intercourse.

    “You who believe! It is not lawful for you to inherit women by force. Nor may you treat them harshly so that you can make off with part of what you have given them, unless they commit an act of flagrant indecency. Live together with them correctly and courteously. If you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a lot of good.” (4:19)

    Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand. (Surah nisa 34-35)

    This is very clear from Quran verses that Males are not accountable for Financial support (pocket money to women) - They are more responsible than women in case of financial support to house expenses which includes children education food cloth and her wife support (food , cloth ) .
    As today a new bidaat has born which is called direct money and financial requirements of modern women as wife obligation to males its norm and usually greedy sort of wives demands them as there right, As per my understanding as Quran order its quite clear that husbands are only responsible for cloths food with kind manner . In any case wife cannot say no to her husband on the base of today created financial demands . IF husband gives some money to her wife it does not mean it was her right she should take it as a gift .

    • No the husband is responsible for the wifes needs. So yes he does have to give her pocket money. It's not a gift everything is 50, 50 sorry mate but i disagree with that. And there you go you clearly stated that the man cannot force himself onto the wife it must be with her full consent.

      • needs are clearly indicated (food +clothing , misc running house expenses , Husband is no where mentioned to be slave of her wife to gave her decided amount on money as pocket money give me any real example from era of Prophet Muuhammad ﺻﻠﯽ ﺍﻟﻠﮧ ﻋﻠﯿﮧ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ (this is again modest women & unaware modern men behavior and self assumptions .which sheikh you are mentioning

        The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You will never spend anything seeking thereby the Face of Allaah, but you will be rewarded for it, even (the food) that you put in your wife’s mouth.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 56. 

        There is no indication of Pocket money so hence I have firm believe that is fabricated self assumption.

        Ahmad (20025) and Abu Dawood (2142) narrated that Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of any one of us over him?” He said: “That you should feed her when you feed yourself, clothe her when you clothe yourself, you should not hit her on the face, you should not curse her and you should not forsake her except in the house.”

        I simply go to Quran Sunnah of Prophet ,Sahi Hadis and Prophet lovely companions life - I dont follow any seikh or Mula peer mureed blindly .

        خداوندا یہ تیرے سادہ دل بندے کدھر جایں
        کے درویشی بھی عیا ری کے سلطانی بھی عیا ری

        مجھے تہزیب حاضر نے عطا کی ہے وہ آزادی
        کے ظاہر میں تو آزادی ہے بطن میں گرفتاری

        تو اے مو لا یصرب ﷺ آپ میری چارہ سازی کر
        میری دانش ہے افرنگی میرا أیمان ہے زا ناری

        علامہ اقبالؒ

        • Still I disagree every sheikh that gives a lecture would also disagree with you on this. This question was asked over and over again. And no he cannot hit her anywhere, abuse in anyway is forbidden punishment is a light tap no beating whatsoever. And the responsibility of the man remains as I said he marries the woman to support her every need and I still stand ground on my words that intercourse without consent is rape this was also said with the sheikhs lectures. And just incase you're wondering yes I am sunni.

          • now you still disagreeing with me even when I posted authentic Hadis - this is seriously attitude of Greedy extra ambitious women who does not Thank Allah mighty and behaviour is make husband a servant completely ignoring what is there duties as per Quran and Hadis order -

            Now I am mentioning another great learning lesson from Prophet Hazrat Ibrahim narrated by IBne Khatir ). The story of prophet ibrahim when he left his family on Order of Allah mighty and when her wife died and his son Hazrat Ismael married a non thank ful women and she has the similiar sort of issues for which you are deneying authentic Hadis searched and shared by me.

            Story of Prophet Ismail/Ishmael (pbuh)
            Ibm Kathir

            Abraham invoked Almighty Allah thus: "O Our Lord! I have made some of my offspring to dwell in a valley with no cultivation, by Your Sacred House (the Ka'ba at Mecca); in order, O our Lord, that they may offer prayers perfectly (Iqamat as salat) so fill some hearts among men with love towards them, and O Allah provide them with fruits so that they may give thanks. O our Lord! Certainly, You know what we conceal and what we reveal. Nothing on the earth or in the heavens is hidden from Allah." (Ch 14:37-38)

            The Prophet (pbuh) continued: "After Ishmael's mother had died, Abraham came after Ishmael's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before but he did not find Ishmael there. When he asked Ishmael's wife about him, she replied: "He has gone in search of livelihood." Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, "We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him. He said: "When your husband returns, convey my salutations to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).'

            "When Ishmael came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife: 'Has anyone visited you?' she replied, 'Yes, an old man of such and such description came and asked me about you and I informed him and he asked about our state of living and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ishmael said: 'Did he advise you anything?' She said: 'Yes he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ishmael said: 'It was my father and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.' so, Ishmael divorced her and married another woman from among them (Jurhum).

            "Then Abraham stayed away from them for a period as long as Allah wished and called on them again but did not find Ishmael. So he came to Ishmael's wife and asked her about Ishmael. She said: 'he has gone in sof our livelihood.' Abraham asked her; 'how are you getting on?' asking her about their sustenance and living. she replied: 'we are prosperous and well off (we have everything in abundance).' then she thanked Allah. Abraham said: 'What kind of food do you eat?' she said: 'meat.' he said: 'what do you drink?' she said: 'water.' he said: 'O Allah! bless their meat and water.""

            The Prophet (pbuh) added: "At that time they did not have grain, and if they had grain he would have also invoked Allah to bless it. If somebody has only these two things as his sustenance, his health and disposition will be badly affected unless he lives in Mecca."

            The Prophet (pbuh) continued: "Then Abraham said to Ishmael's wife: 'When your husband comes give my regards to him and tell him that he should keep firm the threshold of his gate.' When Ishmael came back he asked his wife, 'did anyone call no you?' she replied: 'yes, a good looking old man came to me,' so she praised him and added: 'He asked about you and I informed him that we were in a good condition.' Ishmael asked her:' did he give you any piece of advice?' she said; 'yes, he told me to give his regards to you and ordered that you should keep firm the threshold of your gate.' on that Ishmael said: 'It was my father, and you are the threshold of the gate. He has ordered me to keep you with me.'

            Then Abraham stayed away from them for a period as long as Allah wished and called on them afterwards. He saw Ishmael under a tree near Zam Zam, sharpening his arrows. When he saw Abraham, he rose up to welcome him (and they greeted each other as a father does with his son or a son does with his father). Abraham said: 'O Ishmael! Allah has give me an order.' Ishmael said: 'Do what your Lord has ordered you to do.' Abraham asked:'Will you help me?' Ishmael said: 'I will help you.' Abraham said: 'Allah has ordered me to build a house here,' pointing to a hillock higher than the land surrounding it.

            "Then they raised the foundations of the House (the Kaba). Ishmael brought the stones while Abraham built and when the walls became high Ishmael brought this stone and put it for Abraham who stood over it and carried on building. While Ishmael was handing him the stones, and both of them were saying: "Our Lord! Accept this service from us, verily, You are the All Hearer, the All Knower." (Ch 2:127 Quran)

            compete read at


          • And here is another Hadis - read it and save your self from hell fire-

            Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 28

          • What is in the Hadith is true weather people agree or not. We are not that intelligent to understand some hadiths we just say ohh it's not fare so we don't agree but the truth is there no one can change. And as far about husband wife relation if both donot want to divorce eachother then there has to be consent. What is the point of staying in a marriage that husband donot provide his wife needs still she wants to be with him and when it comes to sex why it's not fare then? It's her choice staying in this marriage.

          • Sajjad Haider,

            Thanks for sharing that information.

          • Well I had to tell you that - My X wife had same sort of demands - she was doctor - she completed her studies after marriage with me in two years and Allah mighty gifted us a baby girl after 2 years of marriage. from day first she was demanding Car - nice house and good handsome pocket money - she use to compare with me to other husbands of her friends and use to insult me doing that. I provided all the required (rented expensive house , good living life style , A car i purchased by getting money from my father and few relatives and It was extreme difficult for me to get red of that credit on me. But Allhumdillah I have cleared all the loans - after two years of living as house wife she started two jobs and ignored her 4 months child even I requested her to stay at home for 3-4 years as we were living all alone without any parents and anyone from my family. Every other day she complained to me that I am a lazy man cannot excel in my life and cant get rich like others and she was on complete strike /disobedience at its best and she told me clearly she dont want any more child - and she will not serve me as wife without good pocket money- this issue was discussed with mine /her family even my father ordered me to pay her 90% of my salary for house expenses to make sure this relation survives but as she was not that much capable of running house expenses she use to end all this money in half of the month end. and I had to give her remaining amount as well to run the expenses. It was a failure relation for me and for her she want me to be a very rich man that can provide her Prado /UAE trips /stay in PC/marriat etc which as a salaried class person was not possible for me . Last one year was her complete disobidient year as a wife and I got hardly 5-6 times services of wife as per intercourse is concern. I told all this problem to her father and instead of resolvign this major problem he supported her daughter and one day when I asked her according to Surah Nisa (34-35) to leave my room and become obedient wife which she denied and called her father and run away from my home with all her furniture in Ramzan 2012. From start to end it was me who was running to save this relation but as this family as uneducated and desrespectful class of greedy people they always blackmailed me due to my daughter . This lady doctor never ever spent a penny of her salary in house and always told me that its your responsibility my job and my salarly is none of your business . As per islamic research I found that I should not demand that but I was expecting her to share my burdon a littel bit but no relaxation . I tried to educate her through Hadis /Quran references but all in vain and she finally quits my married life and get divorse through khula and still she is doing two jobs lviving with her father /mother /brothers and ignoring her duties as mother . From last two months I cant able to see /meet my baby girl in court due to these ignorant people are playing dirty games with me /with my baby girl. I am fighting for the right of my baby as on the day of judgement I will be accountable for not fighting for her rights /my role in 4 year failed married relation. My wife given me another stupid offer that i should live all alone and she will not by my wife only mother of my child and I only need to pay expenses of my child and should get her rented home near her father house which me and my family rejected and still we asked her to become obedient wife of mine but she refused that.

            She never thanked me and even Allah mighty what she had got through my services in this 4 year failure relation.

            I may be quite aggressive in my responses due to that fact so I pray Allah mighty to forgive me for that yes I agree that understanding Quran and Hadis is not simple . Both husband and wife are responsible for there duties . As per the actual thread - if Husband is not running the home /depending on wife property /money then he is sinfull - Wife can involve elders from her family /his family to settel the issue in respectful manner in case its unresolved she can go for Khulla - There is no separation as per my research in islam.

        • Brother Sajjad Haider,

          You mentioned the Hadith about the number of women in Hell-fire, please also read:

          “Men and women disputed as to which of them would form the majority in Paradise. According to another report, either they were competing, or they were discussing, whether there would be more men or women in Paradise. They consulted Abu Hurayrah, who said that women would form the majority, on the basis of the words of the Prophet (saw): “The first group to enter Paradise will be as beautiful as the full moon, and the group that follows them will be like the brightest shining stars in the sky: each man of them will have two wives, the marrow of whose leg-bones will be visible through the flesh because of their extreme beauty. There will be no one who is unmarried in Paradise”" [Sahih Muslim, Kitaab al-Jannah, Baab awwal zumrah tadhkul al-Jannah, 4/2179, hadith no. 2834]

    • [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  9. I don't understand why the focus in this post is the wife and her being reluctant to have sex with her husband, because he doesn't provide for her - no one has mentioned whether or not Allah is cursing the husband for neglegting his duties to his wife, only that the wife is being cursed for neglegting her duties to her husband.

    If your husband doesn't financially provide for you, which he must do as it's his islamic duty, and if he has absolutely no intentions of doing so...why are you with him then? Get a divorce, you're allowed to - in that way, you don't have to worry about fulfilling this man's desires.

    • Adina, I could not understand why you asked why there was no mention of whether or not a husband is cursed. Sister, we can not impose Allah's curse on anyone without evidence, can we? 🙂

      When someone said that Allah curses a woman who doesn't obey her husband, and mentioned a hadith, there is no bias of any kind but what Allah Ordained. If anyone knows that a husband who doesn't provide for his wife is cursed, one should mention that. But without knowing if it is so, no one will say that. This is why there is no mention of a husband being cursed.

      However, the case is different here. The husband is going against the following hadith:

      It was narrated from Hakim bin Mu`âwiyah, from his father, that a man asked the Prophet : ``What are the rights of the woman over her husband?'' He said: ``That he should feed her as he feeds himself and clothe her as he clothes himself; he should not strike her on the face nor disfigure her, and he should not abandon her except in the house (as a form of discipline).'' ( Hasan - Ibn Majah)

      She can seek separation as this is a valid shar'i reason as I have read. But she says she doesn't want divorce. In such case, she should seek other avenues to bring him to live with her. I have no knowledge to say this but in my personal opinon, refusing intimacy may help her in this. I could be wrong, Allah Knows Best.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

      • Because everything is written from men's point of view. Like it says if a men was not taking care of his wife needs get double punishment then a week men but the whole thing is bee express only for men.

        Qur'an is written I plural so you can just say what you read or pick.if the Qur'an talks about hell then heaven is also spkoen off same here if women are spoken of them so is men.
        Everything has 2 sides most of the hadith and Qur'an are been express by men only or in his benefit and that would turn anyone off.

        There is no force..women need to educate themselves by studying the beauty of Islam not just follow what men teach them.

        Islam gives high respect to women so please study it not take a men's word.

        If a man don't get what he want the Angel curse right do you know that when she approaches her man and he refuses he gets far more punish and it will be written as a sin for him not only the punish where as the lady is cruse and gets forgiven if she returns to her hubby where as its written as punish for him.

        My point is educate yourselves don't just follow blindly.
        Qur'an is a deep book and every letter has a meaning and changes as u read it.

        Women would never complain if her husband did what he should. I don't have respect for women who day in and out get abused by they men...Allah has given you power so use it wisely. If your man don't give a Damn about u then free yourself.that's your right.

        Men these days look for anything down weighs the women never look at his own fault or punishment.

        Remember most of these s hiakhs were educated under women shiakh and you don't here that until u study or read on it.

        Good day. Please don't just question her and except a answer there are no right shiakh to answer your question here.go to the right person if you have a problem. Any random person could be answering your question which may not be go see a shiakh or a local mash d. Don't turn to internet. You don't know who is using this to destory your family,Islam.

        Don't do the devil work go and see a person fave to face. Be safe

    • Possibly because most of the respondents are male? The reality is her only real option to force support will probably be to divorce.

    • Adina always answers correctly. Everyone else seems to just blame the women for everything they start going on about hadiths thats not relevant to the questions asked. Adina seems to be the only person defending the women all others just seem to defend the men. Did Allah hate women so much if so why?

  10. My point exactly Adani, no offence Abdul u don't know wat ur talking about. A man can
    Neglect from his duties but a women can't say no to intercourse. Which world u living in?
    Don't agree with first bit u talked About.

    Divorce him sister

  11. I did not understand.

    Is the message that a wife will be punished for refusing to be intimate with her husband but the husband will not get any punishment for not doing his duty?

    Does it mean that the wife only has two choices:
    1. Continue to have intimate relations with her husband and cannot refuse.
    2. Get a divorce.

    For all the Hadith I read on here, I appreciate it, but I would imagine we are talking about ungrateful women who are married to men who actually provide for them.

  12. Sister seriously! If a man wont' even afford the water for you to clean yourself after he gets you all stinky and filthy with his emissions, then honey, what do you need him for? just saying, you don't have to put up with that, I won't. You are just giving him his rights and he can do whatever. Wouldn't be a husband of mine for long, there's no sex that great that you and your children should still be without. I'm just saying, why should the woman have to sell herself short and be without when she has a husband, because he won't fulfill her rights? She could have just stayed by herself, got a job and taken care of her own needs which is highly doable in 2013.

    • I think the question should be asked why he don't support her is it due to financial troubles no job or he just neglecting his duty the first is understood the second is a disgrace

  13. OK, I follow Maliki fiqh, and as I understand it, if the husband quits supporting his wife she goes to a qadi who ends the marriage.

    In Maliki, fiqh hadith hurling is just right out as a justification for anything since in Maliki fiqh there is a certain assumption that when the normative practices of the people of Medina contradicted an hadith, the normative practice is to be followed. In other words, hadiths may have resulted from odd circumstances. Only those who have made a careful study of hadith under qualified scholars even understand what the various hadith actually mean since there may be a deeper meaning than the mere surface of the words.

  14. Exactly, there is a deeper meaning than the mere surface of the words. Everybody is taking it so literally, if a woman refuses her husband intimacy, the angels curse her all night long. I completely agree with Saba, I'm sure that this hadieth talks about women in a marriage where the husband fulfills his duties and the wife is ungratefull or inconsiderate. In understanding Islam, wich is a fair and just religion, there is nobody that can convince me that this hadieth is meant for all the men in this world, regardless, wether they're abusing, lowlife, useless, filthy and dishonest or they are correct and trying to be good muslims. In my opinion it is absolutely the last group this hadieth refers to. Otherwise your'e asking the woman to treat herself as worthless filth, and then how can she have any selfrespect, how can she value herself enough to grow and learn and develop into a good muslimah? This hadieth is propably the one that is taken out of context the most out of all the hadieths. Like Sajjad Haider said, if a woman has a genuine, valid reason to refuse, she is in her right. If she is emotionally harmed by it, she is not obligated. How is a woman not emotionally harmed if she lets her husband use and abuse her, without him having any responsibilities towards her, without him respecting and valuing her? That would be leading to her feeling worthless and loosing all respect for herself, maybe even depression, leading to her not being able to care for her children, neglecting het islamic duties, all that so that a certain discusting person could fulfill his nasty desires. Don't get me wrong, I agree that " a woman has to obey her husband ,as long as she does not have to forgo her own rights." And I know that the hadieth is meant for all the unfair, inconsiderate, selfish or just careless women out there, that don't treat their men correctly.

  15. Based on your question , OP, your husband is having his cake and eating it.

    What sort of man treats his wife and children like this? His behaviours is terrible, and you and your children should not be treated in this manner by him, where he does not live with you and does not support you. He is clearly only coming round to satisfy his sexual urges and using your body for that purpose.

    He is Wrong and I sincerely hope you find it in yourself to make the right choices.

    As a man, I am totally embarrassed by his actions towards you. I hope he grows up soon.

  16. Salam,

    When I married that time I were student and working me and my wife both. In my wage I was paying college fee and house expenses as much I can contribute. I always given my wage to wife then when need asked her. My first two colleges revoked and I get admission in third college and paid fee using my credit card and was paying credit card bill to my wage and when applied married visa so its refuse due my mistake and case went on appeal during this time they stoped to work me now only my wife working and she cleared my all bills wd her credit card bcz he got two year interest free card. But after that she stoped sex wd me until I back in financial position to afford her. Sometime I asked her but she always refuse. I always listen her and ask her I don't want every day just once or after two week one time. But when I spoked to her she always said u nothing did for me so I cannot give u sex right now when u cannot afford me so when i feel for sex so she's refuse so I use master beat to satisfy my self. Please tell me what I will do ?? Hows responsible for this or Islam allow her if yes so then I will never force her.

  17. I am in a second marriage with children. Most of my kids moved out and two are with me. They are pretty self sufficient and one of my sons was recently diagnosed with bi polar in March of 2014. We wondered for a long time what was wrong with him. SInce he has been taking medication he has been much better.
    My husband on the other hand does not want him to live with us. My son wants to be on his own but I want to make sure he is okay before he is on his own. Personally I would prefer him to be with me until he goes back to school and be settled. My husband has refused to pay the rent for the last two months. He said that I disobeyed him when I let my son back in the house. At one point my husband got a court order for my son not to be there. My son has never been violent with anyone. He was verbally abusive when he was not diagnosed and not taking medication. My husband insist that he has the right to not pay rent until my son is gone.
    My husband in the mean time entered into a land contract and now has three tenants. He is constantly looking to find other land contracts to increase his property ownership. He is a White American and a convert, I am African American and Native American and have been a practicing Muslim all my life. My husband has recently got back into music and making songs and is really obsessive with both his music making and property acquisition. He is currently living with a friend where he does not have to pay any rent. Its difficult for him because its in a college house where he is really not supposed to be but he can be there when his friend is not which means he can only sleep there at 10 pm to 6 am and has to leave the house because that is when his friend comes home from work.

  18. My understanding of husband and wife in Islam
    Is that a husband should be obeyed and made and kept happy
    Because he is the one the the All Mighty has made to provide take care and protect the wife and children. Its stated in Surah Al Nisa verse 34
    So if the husband is not the provider and protector surely the wife's obligations change. That's what I would conclude. But Allah knows best and if I'm wrong in thinking dat may the He forgive me.

  19. I have read all your comments, my question is what if my husband went to other place for a business, I was left alone in our home waiting for him I didn't go with him because I also have my work in our place and besides his business has some illegal aspect that it why i didn't change my work just to go with him because I want him to change his work I want him to just have a legal business and I will help him find an earning so we can live a simple life and support our children. But, unfortunately what he did is that he make it as an excuse to marry someone else, this girl according to him is righteous knows and follows the hadith and Quran. The sad part is that he got marry after I gave birth to our first child, the parents of the girl doesn't want him, they are even not there when they get married, he didn't told me about what he did but I discover unintentionally. At first he is supporting us, when he went home to our place he bring the girl, the girl is already pregnant, they just had a boarding house and the girl didn't even bother to visit her parents. One day, they came back again to the place where the business of my husband was, unfortunately this time he is not supporting me anymore and they use me that Sunnah in the Quran that it is forbidden to support your wife who is working without the husbands permission. I am not that bad girl, it's just that i want to secure the future of our child and his business is not permanent and illegal for me to stop working and go with him wherever he go..

  20. Your husband sounds like a selfish man who only uses you when it suits him i have been in a relationship similar to yours sister an trust me it's not very nice it emotionally fisically an mentally destroys you an so not fare on you an your children in Islam it does not mean a wife should fulfil her duties if the man doesn't do his that's just simple abuse an no women should go through that there are some men scholars out there who think it's ok to use a women for sex well it's not grow up an go do some more research you stupid small minded arrogant men an stop giving vulnerable women the wrong advise you are not Allah swt!!!!!

  21. My husband does not work and lets his mom support our family. Should I be obligated to have sex with my husband?

    • One thing is not related to the other. Sexual intimacy is a part of a healthy marriage. If you feel the marriage is not healthy and cannot be repaired, then seek a divorce. But if you have hope that your marriage will improve and survive, then withholding sex will not help matters.

      Wael Editor

    • There is a lot more going on here then sexual matters. You both should see a counselor for marriage problems. Your husband has issues he needs help with.

  22. It's simple divorce him... he thinks you are property. You're not. A woman can always say NO! No real man would think of his wife as a receptacle, and since he does... that would make him not a man. Run far, and run fast, he is an abuser.

  23. If a married man married with anohet women and his first wife stay seperate his husband doesnot give any shelter money spending money no cost to the wife and children and deosn't want to divorce her what does islam say
    about it

    • Salaam this is not even Islam in the first place. If the married husband dies not want to divorce the first wife, he has yo maintain her equally with the second wife. If he can't fulfill the rights than he shouldn't have married again. Islam does not Say that husband means just because he marry a girl he has the tittle as a husband, but if he cannot fulfill the rights as a husband, I think he have failed to be a husband.

  24. I totally agree with you. According to me most of the man are lustful idiots who like to misuse the females. Only a good human can become a good husband or wife.

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