Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband refuses to move out of mother’s house

Separate bedrooms

Salaam alaikum everyone.

my husband and his mom bought a house thru habitat, he told me that we would be living with his mom and the house would be 5 bedrooms and I would have my 2 bedrooms and my mother in law would have her 3 bedrooms. With separate entrance doors and I wouldn't even have to see her all. It would be completely separate. He said This would help us save money and we would always have someone to watch our daughter since my mother in law has 2 older daughters. It sounded ok to me so I agreed, I was reluctant but went with it. Come to find out when the House was completed my 2 bedrooms were in a basement. The entrance door was one. He built a kitchen in the basement and everything but I was not happy. But he insisted. Until this day I don't kno what allowed me to let him pack our things and move, I could of told my land lord he can go but I'm staying. But for some reason I didnt, was And I heavily regret now. I guess a part of me wanted it to workout but knowing myself I told him that I deal with in laws best if they are far from me and I only see them on weekend visits. But he did his thing anyway.

Fast forward to 6 months I'm just not happy living here in this basement. My mother in laws 6 grandkids come over on weekends and some weekdays and jump and make lots of noise I can't study at times. And my husband won't even bother going up there telling them to be quit. I use the garage door as my entrance bcos I hate having to great my mother in laws guests if I use the front door, and she has complained about this, saying I dislike her and I have something against her bcos I don't go upstairs and chat with her and what not. Prior to moving in, her I were never the chatting Type anyway.

I told my husband that his mom already  has a problem with me using the garage who knows what other problems will arise, I said let's get our own place before it gets bad. He refuses saying his mom is getting old and he is obligated by Allah to care for her: mind you she strong and still working! so I said we can even move minutes away from her and U can keep and eye on her and if ur Afraid of her paying for all these bills we can help her out. He still says no. I don't kno what other compromises I can make.

i thought about moving into my own place with my daughter but that would just be a lot, keeping a job and being a single mom, and I'm currently pregnant. So it just won't work. I haven't told my mom yet cos I am trying to work this out between him and I so that we don't involve the elders but if I have to involve my mom I may end up moving to her state temporarily so he can decide if he wants to move us out or stay with his mommy alone and we can separate. And I really dont want to resort to this last option bcos aside from refusing to move out his a great husband and a great father and I don't want to lose him, I go to school here, I work here my life is situated here I don't want to pack my things all over again.

Its causing me so much distress and I just don't understand why he won't feel my pain. Every time I bring up the issues he just acts deff. I would really hate to resort to leaving him. But im not happy living under his moms basement and I will not keep up with it.

Thank you, may Allah guide us all


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8 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Ansah,

    You write:

    "for some reason I didnt, was And I heavily regret now."

    and

    "...we can even move minutes away from her and U can keep and eye on her and if ur Afraid of her paying for all these bills we can help her out."

    Dear sister, please try not to regret, as it's a terrible feeling and everything is truly decreed by Allah. What Allah wills happens and what Allah doesn't will doesn't happen. Your situation is definitely difficult, but I think your compromise sounds very reasonable. Perhaps try to reason with your husband a couple of more times and don't give up! Pray Salah al-Hajah, the prayer for a need, and make your sincere dua at the end. Inshallah, your husband will see goodness in your idea and come around.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. Assalamu'alaikum my dear sister,

    I begin in the name of Allah (SWT). May Allah (SWT) bless you and you family and guide us all to Jannah through the path of the righteous.

    Your situation sounds very difficult from your point of you and I will pray for your ease and guidance by our Lord the most beneficient. The best place to find your answer if from The One who created you and I and The One who created your question; it can be found in the Holy Qur'an.

    Our Prophet (PBUH) was given to us by Allah (SWT) is our messenger and so we should strive to follow in his footsteps. One message to us by him (PBUH) which I shall never forget (in'sha'Allah) was that each of us is a shepherd responsible for your flock. Now our flock, is our family. Not chosen by us but by the Greatest of choosers, Allah (SWT). In your flock I gather, you have your husband, your children, your parents, family and friends. Believe it or not, your mother-in-law is also in it by the decision of Allah (SWT). Since you are responsible for your husband, meaning his safety and well-being of course, not forgetting for his ability to go to Jannah so that both you and him can be reunited, you must help him fulfil half his deen.

    As followers of our messenger who said that paradise lies under our mothers feet, it is up to us to help our husbands to please their mothers so as to help them open the gates to Jannah. We as muslims, should wish for another Muslim what we wish for ourselves. Therefore, if we wish to go to Jannah a reward which we cannot imagine since it was created by the Best of creators, we should also wish that our husbands are also granted a place in Jannah. Of course, I do not have to remind you of this in'sha'Allah because it sounds to me that you love your husband enough to wish this for him. As Muslim women, we are treated as princesses. This does mean however that it is our responsibility and our pleasure even to treat each other and other Muslim women as such. Therefore, even if your mother-in-law does not pronounce a word of good to you, have patience and be kind, knowing that Allah has created this test for you as he has created tests for me and all of our ummah so that we may strengthen our faith in him and prove that we are worthy for the great gift which is paradise.

    To reinforce this knowledge which has been given to us, let us look at a hadeeth. Once, a man came to the Prophet (PBUH) wishing to join him in jihad for our religion. He also notified our Prophet (PBUH) that his mother did not wish for him to go. To this, our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) responded that he should stay with his mother. We should understand from this that our Prophet (PBUH) respected the wish of another man's mother so much and he wanted this man to benefit so much that he ordered him to not go with our Prophet (PBUH) the messenger of Allah to Jihad but to remain with his mother to keep her heart content. Ma sha Allah, Allah has willed for us to respect the mothers of Islam.

    From what you are saying about your mother-in-law, and may Allah (SWT) forgive us if this is backbiting, she is not causing you any suffering intentionally. You should be grateful to Allah because so many women have it so much worse my sister. The only real issue you have told me is how your extended family make noise and disturb your studies and your husband has broken a promise to you about your living conditions. Regarding the first issue, you have every right to ask them to be quiet when you are being disturbed. You should not hold any ill feelings in your heart towards them especially before knowing if they would respect your studies and silence. If they are not quiet even after you have asked them to be quiet, ask your husband to because when he married you, he took on the responsibility of keeping you happy. This brings me on to my second point; you husband should not have made you a promise of two separate living quarters and should have made it clear to you that you would be living with his mother. This was perhaps his mistake or a misunderstanding, Allah (SWT) knows best. However, you must accept that this was Allah's plan for you; to accept to move in with your in-laws, to be disturbed by their noise etc. Everything that has happened was Allah's plan.

    Surah Al-Anfal:

    'They plot, but Allah also plots; and Allah is the best of plotters'

    (This has been translated to modern English for ease of understanding)

    Although what you wanted from this move may not have been what Allah (SWT) has made to happen, you should praise and glorify Allah and say Subhan Allah (Allah (SWT) is perfect) because he is the creator of you, your children & family and also your life. Therefore, it is best for us to know and understand that what Allah has decided will be infinitely better than what we would ever want because Allah loves his creation so much that perhaps this hardship is a calling from him to you. Testing your endurance and most importantly patience is perhaps Allah's was of giving you the opportunity to prove to Him that you are worthy enough for Jannah. Know that Allah only tests those He loves with the hardest of tests and therefore be grateful and filled with faith that Allah has shown His love for you through this hardship.

    Allah (SWT) says in Surah Ash-shura:

    'Whoever is patient and forgives, verily, that is among the matters of steadfast determination'

    So we should strive to understand Allah's tests even though we never will since He is the wisest of wise. We shouldn't however, overlook the times in our lives when Allah (SWT) calls us closer to him. So many are blind to this call and so many are not chosen by Allah to hear his call.

    It is also important that you understand that when you mother-in-law wishes for you to greet her friends, you should strive to do so. Not for anyone but yourself if you wish. Do not assume anything about anyone's intentions because only Allah (SWT) knows the reason behind your mother-in-law's wishes. You should also speak to her and converse with her and not see this wish of hers as a bad thing but an opportunity to enter Jannah. Do not upset her. I'm sorry if my words hurt you my sister but I don't believe 'he knows I am not the chatty type' is a righteous reason to keep away from speaking to your mother-in-law or conversing with her. You are an independent woman and so your deeds will be judged by the Best of Judges, Allah (SWT) on the day of Judgement and your husband will not be able to stand on your place to defend you. He will not. Therefore my sister, strive to follow the footsteps of our Prophet Rasulullah (PBUH). Once a man asked our Prophet (PBUH) "what is the best thing in Islam" and he responded with "feeding others and giving the greeting of salaam to those whom you know and those whom you do not know". Allahu Akbar. How does our Prophet know of this beauty of Salaam and greeting? It was commanded to him and us by the Creator of words and greetings; Allah (SWT) commanded us to give Salaam. So my sister, even if you are tired after work and in a calamity, you should greet your mother-in-law and her friends who are also our sisters by Islam, our religion, with Salaam as a gift given by Allah (SWT). We should definitely not hold any ill-thought and desire to avoid a family member and avoid speaking to them. May Allah (SWT) help me to do this and help us all. In sha Allah.

    The rest is up to you of course my sister. If you still wish to move out, do not do this alone. Remind your husband of his promise and how Allah (SWT) and our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) condemned liars and how some hadeeth even show our Prophet (PBUH) condemning lies as jokes and to children let alone to our wives. If his reason is that he is sorry for lying and that he wishes ultimately to stay with his mother, then regardless of whether or not she is growing old, you should not stand in the way of him and her feet which is his fate to Jannah. Remember my sister, if you help you husband achieve this, Allah (SWT) will not overlook your intentions. Question your intentions and strive to make them pure in'sha'Allah and I pray that we enter Jannah by pleasing Allah (SWT).

    May Allah (SWT) guide us to Jannah and help us see the path of the righteous and guide our loved ones and allow us to reunite as blessed and loyal servants in Jannah.

    May Allah forgive me for my sins and any mistake I have made in my response.

    Ameen

    Assalamu'alaikum,

    Tasnim

    • Salaam alaikum tasnim thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and your kind words. May Allah bless you.
      I respect my husbands need to support his mother but I don't believe that has anything to do with me, if he wants to please his mother he can and Allah will reward him accordingly. I'm sure if I told him, he and I will move in with my parents bcos I want to care for my mother he wouldn't want to move to another state and live with my parents. When my husband took me from my parents house the agreement was never that at one point I would be living with his mom. And if he was a man who treated me right and feared Allah he would kno how much u hate being bothered while studying, he would go upstairs and tell his family to tone it down. Since it's his family it won't sound bad coming from him. But he doesn't . At this point I am going to trust my intuition and move out bcos Allah does not burden a soul greater than it can bear. And this just isn't for me. So I will do what makes me happy at the end of the day. And if he decides to come live with he can, if not then we will separate. Everything is temporary and if our marriage has to be one of them so be it. But I will not live in a condition that I am not happy with. Many man his age have mothers and still have separate house hold since they've gotten married, they also love their mothers. So he has no right to not give me my right of having my own house if that's what I require.

      • You are right, he owes a duty to his mother but this should not come at the expense of your happiness and peace of mind.

        It seems that you don't have much privacy and this is a basic human right. Islam recognises this right and does not require a woman to live with her in laws. Every Muslim husband is required to provide a home for his wife which is separate from his family and where they will not intrude upon her privacy. This is the case whether or not he made a promise prior to marriage.

        You are making a bold decision to move out of this difficult situation. I hope things work out for you and that you are able to reunite with your husband and create a life of your own with him.

        "Everything is temporary and if our marriage has to be one of them then so be it". Well said.

        You are not leaving him - you are leaving this living arrangement that you find unbearable. If he decides not to follow you and you decide to divorce, he will be responsible for breaking up the marriage.

  3. your demands are unnecessary he js not fulfilling his mother rights his mother has 101 percent right to spend time with him and to live with him. in your case it doesn't seem that your mother in law is a bad one and have bad behavior and you dont want to see any of his relatives not his mother why did you marry him. it is your moral duty to behave good with her and greet her atleast. you dont have to do any of her work give her some respect. is she detestable . i m sorry but you are full of proud and arrogance
    if Allah grant you a son and in future your daughter in law wishes the same for you how would you feel

    • dear sister u did not have to say it like that. Its no ones fault some people are introverted and shy its not wrong. It seems that the sister facing the problem finds it hard to communicate with her in laws. And she has the right to live seperate with her husband from her parents. And i dont see the sister full of arrogance and pride. U would say wat u did if u were in her place. U r too damn immature and arrogant try to see frm others perspective.

  4. Dear sister what u r going through is indeed difficult but try to tolerate this a little. try to convincenyour husband and also communicate with your in laws they might mistreat u but try to tollerate a little u should have communicated with them from the very beginning but if they mistreat u there is nothing u can do. If they mistreat u dont complain to your husband just try to make him understand. What kind of a man lets his wife stay in the basement.. Seek help from wise people u know. And remember if ur in laws mistreat u its them commiting the sins so its their problem nothing u can do but by tlllerating this sort of trials u will be rewarded by allah.

    • Thank you brother Ahmed for your kinds words it's a battle that I have to fight and figure out what is best for me. I consulted my parents but all they can say to me is "why are u so worried ur in the basement and his mother is upstairs, u don't have to pay rent and u save money." Well sometimes saving money doesn't always make someone happy, I hate to wake up somedays to noise and chatter reaching me downstairs cos she has guest over and I was never told there would be noise, some days they have guest sleep over for days and I'm not made aware so I run into them at the living room while living the house. Which wouldn't happen if she didn't have an issue with me using the basement garage to leave and enter the house. I am so tired of fighting and crying for guidance. Trying to do what would make me happy and what would make others happy.

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