Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I discovered my husband secret conversations with his cousin

I found some things on his mobile phone

My husband and I got married on  August 2010.  We had been seeing each other for 2 years and so decided to make it halal.

This mariage is my second one as my first was very violent.  I was alone for 7 years and thought at last I had found someone.

From the moment we married he kept sleeping one night at his cousins house as he had moved in with me and he felt lonely.  I felt disrespected as he slept away from me once a week and then when he was in the house he chose to sleep on the floor.  He started fighting quite quickly and to be honest I was not very patient with him at all.

On October, he decided to leave the matrimonial home and he has not returned.  He comes to the house a few days a week and sleeps over but then returns to his cousins.  He cannot move in fully as he has lost his job and as he is not a british citizen he is unable to claim benefit.  He has also failed to get the right to remain in the Uk due to his financial situation so right now he is illegal here.

We have continued to fight as he cannot seem to do anything about his situation.  He has no get up and go.  I do not want a divorce as it is the most hated thing in islam but right now we have not spoken for 2 weeks because of an argument we had due to me opening his mobile phone bill and discovering he is ringing his female cousin at 1am.

Is this situation hopeless??  I don´t know what to do.  I don´t want a divorce but I don´t want to live this life either.

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    May Allah make it easy for you and give you whatever is good for your dunya and for your aakhirah.

    As far as divorce is concerned, who said it is the most hated thing in Islam?

    Rather, Allah given an option of divorce when the spouses make efforts for peace and their efforts fail and further Allah promises to give of His abundance.

    So important is to make peace process. To make efforts to work out the marriage. If you do not find epace, if you think you can better without this person and that it would be better for your dunya and aakhirah to do so, Alhamdulillaah, you may go for divorce.

    Divorce is meant when "things don't work any more". So why would it be a hated thing?

    Allah explains the process of working a marriage in Surah Baqarah:

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing.

    So try to judge for yourself what is good and what is not. You have the ruling of Allah with you.

    I strictly advise you, if you want to initiate a peace process, avoid asking direct questions about the cousin, because as you wrote in your question, he does not respond well to it, so before begining the process may come to an end. So NO. 1: KEEP SABR. BE VERY PATIENT.

    My advices based on my personal opinion:
    1. Meet him, ask him what he wants, tell him what you want. If it works, Alhamdulillaah, if it does not do not worry.
    2. Next, whenever he comes over, speak kindly, do not bring out issues of cousins and phone bills. Speak kindly, read the translations of the Qur'an, if Allah makes him Fear Him and turns his heart towards you, Alhamdulillaah, if not, let him go after he has come to you during the week.
    3. Get arbiters from both sides, if possible, people from his end and your end to work out the situation. If this works, Alhamdulillah, if not do not worry.
    4. When your efforts fail and you know for a surety that this guy is cheating upon you, is not willing to change and your purpose of marriage is not fulfilled, you are not geeting peace and your dunya and aakhirah are not benefitting by his company rather putting you at loss, then without a heavy heart, you may seek divorce and Allah would give you of His abundance, Insha Allah.

    Do not worry, may Allah make it easy for you.

    Read the Qur'an a lot and know for yourself what Allah wants you to do as a Muslim and what possible solutions you can have for your life problems.

    Pray Tahajjud, do lot of Zikr of Allah, if not verbally, then atleast in the heart, pray daily on time and make du'aa of whatever truth comes to your heart, Insha Allah, Allah will respond and you will see a way ahead.

    Hope the advice helps and your question is answered to your satisfaction.

    Your brother,

    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. Dear Sister,

    I do not understand why you married this man while his immigration status was not legal. If he is still illegal and has no exceptional or compelling circumstances, he will most definitely be removed from the UK. Or he will continue living on the run.

    As far as your husband's behaviour is concerned, it is completely unacceptable. He has given you enough reason to doubt his loyalty as a husband and you have a right to bring things to the surface so they can be dealt with. Allah has made divorce permissible for a reason, so please do not use such things as excuses for not taking appropriate action when necessary.

    No-one is telling you to get divorced, that is your own decision. But its time to bring everything to the surface. Ask your husband why he is sleeping at his cousin's house, why he is sleeping on the floor when at your home and what he wants future wise? Does he even want to be with you? How is he planning on dealing with his Immigration issue?


    If you want, you can ignore the matters and keep allowing him into the house as and when he wishes - hence allowing him to use you, while you waste your life and become more and more upset. Or you can wisen up and tell him that you will not tolerate his behaviour, that you want some answers and some positive changes. You also want him to do whatever it takes to legalise his status in the UK and you will only help him with this if he improves his behaviour.

    Really - I cannot see why you married this man and it is not apparent from your post if you had your family's support in this. It may be time for you to go to them for some back up because your husband is clearly not fulfilling his role as a husband.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. Salaam Brother and Sister

    My family agreed to us getting married eventually. To be honest my dad was not sure of him but i thought this was due to a race issue.

    He was not illegal when we married as he was a student in this country. It was once he married me and asked the home office for the right to remain that things didnt work out. He then became illegal but stayed here.

    I have asked the Imam at the local mosque to talk to us. We did this and my husband has agreed to sit and talk after ramadam. He wants us both to think about what we want. Neither of us want to fight each other. I feel heart broken when i think of life without him. I know you probably think im pathetic and this is fine. I have decided to not contact him during this time so that he may feel something missing.

    Since all this happened i have been praying harder then i have ever done in my life. I just feel like ive been run over by a car as i cant believe that the man i married has turned this way. I know eventually allah will show me the way. I do need to find a backbone and i also should not allow anyone to abuse my home.

    Jazakallah khairen for your advice.


  4. i have a feeling he married u for papers and maybe he has promised to marry his cousin. thats why he sleeps at her house. deal with this instantly. I have had same problem with my husbands cousin being involved in our lives since day 1, he was illegal too. and she accomodated to live with hr. because she is 20 years older and has kids and a man i never suspected anything. im not saying there is something between them but recently i found Pictures where she is lying on our bed when i wasnt at home and talking to my husband after a meal. i dont Think thats important. people tell me its not a big deal for her to be lying on our bed. she has a daughter that she brought to uk, and ever since she came things been tough between me and my husband and that Girl calls my husband several times at night. my husband claims he is her uncle which he is but i feel their relationship is too Close. we live in a World today where people do Everything for papers. ur husband seemed to have a student visa. that is not papers. its a temporary stay. many people with student visa look to marry someone in europé to stay.

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