My husband doesn’t love me; spends more time with friends but if I leave he cries and begs me to stay.
As Salaamu Aleikum,
I am in a situation and need advice. I reverted to Islam 20 Years ago as a teen in University. My husband and I got married a year later when I was 19. We've been married for almost 19 years and we've had good and bad times. But lately my husband goes out with friends and comes around 1 or 3am. Since Ramadhan, he has been going and eating out practically daily. We have not been intimate for months now. Since our 10 months baby girl was born we've only been together twice. There has been times in the past when we've gone at least 9 months without being intimate. I always pray for him to get back to his senses and realise he is not being fair. I may be naive but I do not think he is having affairs. I think he no longer loves me though he says he does.
A couple of days ago, I got fed up; I moved to a separate bed but in the same room and he got really angry that I moved back. He no longer cuddles me or even just a peck on the cheek. My husband was born Muslim but never reads Namaaz. I am not saying I pray 5 tmes daily (make dua for me) but I try to pray daily. I am educated, I have an advanced degree (Alhamdolillah) yet he stopped me from employment. However, he harldy gives me any money to spend, and hardly buy me clothes. I have been patient for a long time, and I don't want to put pressure on him by asking. yet he doesn't see my needs himself.
My parents retired and now stay in the village. They are not Muslims but they are my parents and I know it is my responsibility to look after them as they are ageing, yet I have never assisted them since I got married. I would love to provide accommodation for the since life in the village is getting hard. Doesn't Islam say that is the responsibility of the husband? But I know that if I tell him this he will think I am stingy with the money I make. At one point when I was working during my postgraduate studies, I saved £6,000 and he demanded that I give him all of it to use for business. I did. Unfortunately the business collapsed. I would have loved to have spent even just a bit for my self and kids and also for him but couldn't.
I have tried leaving him before but he comes crying and apologising and he calls over 20 times a day, and will not leave me till I return. He will even go to my parents to profess his love for me and ask them to ask me to come back. Alhamdolillah he stopped being physically abusive, but I miss that emotional companionship that I know he can show because he has shown it to me before. When he is caring he makes me feel like a queen. I am confused.
I have said alot. Please help me, I am at loss as I still believe he has some love but don't understand why he doesn't show.
May Allah Bless you all,
Tissa.
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Salam Tissa,
Have you ever called your husband out and asked him why he is no longer intimate with you? Nine months and no relations...seriously?! Just as a man has a right to his needs...so do you. If you haven't, you need to sit down and talk...I mean, really lay it all out on the table. Like, how you are deprived of your most basic human needs, him going out with his male friends and coming home in the wee hours of the morning. Like...what is that? He is a married man with a family. He is putting his friends before you and instead of being out late with his friends, he should be home taking care of business in the bedroom. Although your money is gone, your husband has no right whatsoever to demand that you hand over your money to him as it is yours...period. If you offer it freely without pressure, that is another matter altogether. Your husband should provide for you and buy your clothing and your needs should be met.
Living as you are is not acceptable as a married couple. Sit down with your husband...get everything you have to say to him out there. Ask him, why he does not desire you, why he does not have relations with you, why he stays out till the wee hours of the morning...hold nothing back. Maybe he isn't aware of how you see things or how selfish some of his actions are. Sometimes in a marriage we tend to be so involved with life and it's everyday tasks that we don't make time for "us". If you can, get someone like a family member or a close friend to watch your daughter. Go out to dinner somewhere and enjoy each others company. Remember when things were good and the beautiful child the two of you have. God willing the two of you can work together to get back to a healthy, loving and intimate relationship.
Salam
I think Najah's advice is very sound. Also, you have been married for 19 years per your post. First of all, I think that is great! However, sometimes after being in a marriage for a long time, things can become routine and stale, and one or both may take the other for granted. I would definitely recommend that at this juncture in your marriage, that perhaps it is time for the two of you to take some time to be together alone and reconnect as a couple. Is there anyone that you know who could watch the children so that you and your husband could have a weekend getaway together? Perhaps you could both decide to set aside a day of the week to have a dinner alone and talk. If you could reconnect as a couple then perhaps you could find a comfortable courage to discuss your concerns with one another. I don't know how old either you or your husband are, but sometimes when people enter their 40's they suddenly feel the need to recapture their youth again...the so-called mid-life crisis. Perhaps this is why your husband is staying out late with friends. The best thing though is to sit down and have an open discussion with your husband. Put aside your anger and doubts and let him know what you are feeling and ask him and listen to what he is feeling as well.
Salaam sister,
I agree please talk with him. I have been just thrown out of the house month after marriage.
Atleast your husbands want you back.Talk with him in a kind matter.
be kind,
may Allah make it is easy for you and give you your happiness back. your one line post just made me so sad. please write on a seperate post more if you want to share your pain.
Sister,
I agree with the above sisters but jus wanted to add that i had some of the same problems as you where my husband was out with his friends all night!. He didnt pay me any attention but i had bigger problems with him si i decided to ask for khula and told my family and relatives about the situation but my husband came crying back saying he loved me and kids to give him a chance. So me and my parebts were very firm with him and set some ground rules- do's and dont's! I made it very clear that if he oversteps the rule his out and i will never take him back. I set some chores for him to keep him busy and so he can bond with the kids and we make time to go iout etc etc. Alhamdullilah its working for the moment. Maybe try this with your hubby. And give him more famiky responsibilities to keep him vusy and his mibd occupied. You shoukd start making more conversation with him and cuddling and kissing him to lead the way.
Hope everything works out sister.
Salamualaikum sister Tissa,
I want to ask you if you have confronted him to find out what he does when he comes late and where he goes.
There are some people who even spend hours together in the night discussing religion. This is something wrong. I have friends who visit me at around 11.30 PM and would go on with the discussion even until Fajr (its at around 5 AM in my place). But I finish the talk or discussion as early as possible, because when I'm at home, the family deserves some of my time, rather, most of my time. Perhaps your husband needs to understand this.
My sister, according to me, this understanding comes with Deen. I know people might have other avenues too, but one who develops such attitude based on his Deen, this goes on to stay for a very long time, or perhaps forever. BUT, you need to practice Deen and your husband should practice Deen too.
You can begin by guarding all your 5 prayers and striving to Please Allah. Then insha Allah, you'll see the bliss of life.
Do you know Shaikh Waseeullah Abbas? He is a Mufti from Makkah. He is an elderly man and he told us that in his married life, he can not remember a single moment where he or his wife was upset with each other. Subhanallah! This is because there was Deen in both of their lives.
You should probably try and make yourself Religious first, then try to look for opportunities with your husband being Religious.
Insha Allah, if you both have Deen in your lives, then you will see that it makes a significant difference.
Ask him to offer prayers at least. Because according to Hadith, the difference between a person, and Shirk and Kufr is the missing of Salah or prayers. If he accepts, Alhamdulillah, otherwise, I am afraid you have to look for other alternatives.
One last thing, sister, your attitude seems a little harsh towards your husband. In your situation, I believe it can be controlled a little. Because a husband has a high position in Islam, and you do not want to Anger Allah with anything whatsoever. So, try not to say the phrases like "I took him back" and the like. Atleast I find it a little harsh, compared to the position and respect that Islam gives to a husband. This is my personal advise. But, needless to say, threatening to ask for Khula is a valid option, but I would advise you to keep it for the last.
I hope it has helped.
Please feel free to ask if you have any question.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Advice please.
ozy, I created an account for you, consolidated your two comments and submitted them as a post. Your question has been saved and will be published in turn, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor