Caught husband talking to non-Muslim ex, now my marriage is in trouble
Why is he emailing his ex?
Assalamalikum brothers and sisters,
This is the last resort for me I don't know who else to turn to and I can't talk to any of my family about this I am all alone. The problem is that I have recently discovered that my husband is in contact with his ex. I know that it is his ex because he did tell me at the begining of our marriage that he dated her in Japan whilst he was there working.
They have recently gotten into contact again and have been sending each other emails and she has sent him her phone number asking him to call her which he did because she sent a email saying thank you for calling. I know this because he left the computer on and fell asleep and I saw it and today he has made a skype call, probably to talk to her because we already have one that we use together.
She is not Muslim she has in the past before our marriage sent him pictures of her posing without any clothes.
I have been married to him for 4 years and given him 2 kids and I don't understand how he can do this to me. I have given everything for him, I feel sick just thinking about what he is emailing her, why is he calling her? I am crying daily and can't eat or sleep
I have thought several times about ending my life I feel so disgusted with myself and can't imagine why he is treating me this way but then I look to my 2 angels, they are the only thing that is keeping me in control of my actions right now.
please help me I don't know what to do anymore.
- momof2angels
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asalamu alaikum,
hi how are you? sis after readin i can understand the pain you must be goin through. i suggest you tell your husband that it bothers you, for him to talk to his ex. sis if he doesnt try to make thngs better o suggest you leave him.
in order for a relationship to work, both partys need to put equal effort in,.otherwise its high possibility it will fall through.
one more thing you mentioned several times about ending my life? sis you need to get that thought off your mind. ending your life will not solve anything.(we all are destined to die so why rush to your death?)
ma salama
Salamu Aleikum dear Sister,
It's so sad to hear that. I feel sorry for you ; please don't destroy yourself because of him, he isn't
worth that. Don't worry,be happy, I've got problems, too, and then I try to change my perspective.
Other people can only bother me or hurt me with their words or actions if I let it. Don't let it. Be
relaxed and don't give him a value he doesn't deserve. Never think of ending your life because of a man.
He's replacable, you aren't. He's simply not worth it.
I know he's the father of your children. And I'm sure he loves you, but now, the Shaitan influences him
in his actions. Ex-girlfriend or not, naked pictures or not, he doesn't have the right to have contact with
a non-mahram. Talk to him about it in a very logical, but less emotional conversation. Don't be angry
with him, because then he feels more confirmed and he will feel that he hurts too. Don't show yourself
vulnerable at all. Treat him with respect, but more like: I'm so beautiful and loveable, I could have anyone.
Men who are much better than you. Treat me right, or someone else will . Show confidence. I sense
from what you wrote that he doesn't have an affair. Sometimes men need to feel confirmed in their
attractiveness by someone else and they don't appreciate the jewel they have. Then they look for
plastic. Plastic jewellery isn't valuable, it's just something different and new. or old. I don' t justify his
actions, but I think in that case, it's easy to win back his love.
Fact is: He isn't allowed to have contact with a non-mahram, telephoning, e-mails, whatever.
Fact is: Sexual relations before marriage are haram
Fact is: Vala Taghrabu Zina and that's it.
It's very easy and simple for him to understand. You have two children together and this is something
he shouldn't throw away. Tell him he has to change his behaviour and fear Allah. Try to avoid a
divorce for the sake of the 2 children. Confront him. Directly. A good way to showing him: I see
you. Allah sees you. You can't do what you want. I will hold you responsible. My creator will hold
you responsible. Stop it. If he gets used to flirting, chatting, dating. etc he isn't worth being loved
and there are plenty of Muslim men out there who wouldn't do that. Don't give him a higher value
than he has and relax. U're not going to lose anything, if he continues, he'll lose everything.
The best thing that may happen: He stops contacting her you'll be happy with him forever
The worst thing: He doesn't rethink his behaviour, that wil lead to adultery=divorce. And
insha allah that won't happen. If he's gonna lose you, he has lost a wonderful person, mother of 2,
with a good heart. But insha allah it won't get that far.
He'll certainly say: But I haven't done anything, you're overreacting.... Tell him about zina of the Eye,
zina of the ear, zina of the tongue and zina of the nose( when you smell the fragrance of a non-mahram
that makes you feel attracted to her). All of those body parts have rights; the rights to perceive good
things. Tell him that his social behaviour must be Islamic and modest;
And however it may end, you're the winner, he's the loser
Jazakallah
Dear Sister,
I agree with the points Jannah has made. Also As Ahmed said, do not contemplate suicide. It is haraam to take one's life. Who will care for your kids in your absence?
As Jannah advised, explain to him in a confident manner, Islamically, no matter how much he tries to play it down, his behaviour is completely wrong. These so-called harmless calls and emails could lead to something more evil and where there is no U-turn. Hence these interactions are deemed haraam.
If he doesn't end all contact then warn him it may well lead to the demise of your marriage.
Don't lose your focus on yourself and the children. That's the only guaranteed relationship that you will sustain between mother and children. Husbands can be replaced if the worst comes to the worst. Unless of course as Jannah said, you destroy yourself crying and worrying over this matter. You may end up becoming unstable and risk being unable to care for your children.
In my opinion, if a man doesn't fully respect his wife then how can he completely love his children? If he is prepared to endanger his marriage on account of this behaviour, is he sparing a thought for his children and the effects this could have on them?
It appears from your post that you haven't discussed this matter with your husband. Stop pondering on this matter to yourself and have a discussion with him. Remember, be confident and try not to reveal too much emotion. Men never take emotional women seriously and if you act in this manner it may drive him further away. Unfortunately that's just the way things work, he is the wrongdoer but he probably will try to make you feel in the wrong for having checked up on him etc.
All the best,
Hopeful
Sister I can understand what you are going through. I would advice you to confront him and see his reaction. If he cares enough he will stop it. If he doesn't care than he is not worth your tears they are far more precious for a person who doesn't care for his own wife's feelings. Also talk to your mother about it.
Salaam my sister,
I am sorry for this heartbreaking discovery that you have made. The important thing is to try your best to stay calm and not get caught up in a whirlwind of reactions that will make you lose focus. You can still recover from this, and there is a way through this experience, but first you need to be calm. Second, you need to be strong - solid like a mountain.
I would recommend that once you have stabilised yourself that you confront your husband at a time when he is away from the children. Tell him that you know he is in contact with his ex and you want to know what is going on. Be firm about this and ask him what he sees for the future - what is his intentions here? If you can collect evidence of his betrayal, then that would be better because that way he will not be able to deny anything or talk you into not taking things seriously.
Before you confront him, I would advise that you see a lawyer to ascertain your rights and privileges in case of a separation or divorce. As harsh as this may sound to you, now is not the time to break down - now is the time to act, prepare and keep yourself protected from any harm or bad intention that may be coming in your direction.
This contact can be innocent, or it could be a full blown affair - but whatever it is, you must hold firm to your own sense of self worth and understand clearly that it doesn't matter if you are good, bad, beautiful or stunning: men who cheat will cheat regardless and find something to blame it on. Some men pursue this kind of activity for sexual kicks, others because they are seeking a route out of marriage, others because of other reasons. Whatever his reasons are - please understand that his actions are not about you.His actions are a reflection of him, his lack of morals, his lack of respect, his lack of iman and his mistreatment of his wife and the sanctity of his marriage. This is not your fault, so don't think like that for one second.
It may be that he needed closure, or it could be that she contacted him, and feeling bored with his life - he pursued it a little further. Your confrontation, if he loves you, should be enough to shock him back to reality and bring him awareness of what he is doing. Whilst you are having this conversation it is important that you stay focused on achieving an outcome and don't break down in tears or say anything that you may regret later.
If he tells you he is confused and doesn't know what he wants - pack his bags and tell him to go and take some time away to think and leave you in peace whilst he contemplates. As hard as this will be for you to do, it is absolutely essential that he is out of the home whilst he thinks. During this time, you will be able to at least have some time to get on with what you have to get on with and get in touch with your support network who should be around you during this difficult time. Speak to sisters, brothers, family - spent time with them so that they are able to hold you together and give you support. You need to be very aware that with or without your husband there are people in your life who will help you and assist you no matter what is going on. You don't have to tell them the details of what is going on: all they need to know is that you are having a few problems and their support is required.
If he tries to brush off the seriousness of his contact with this woman, again - you have to be firm and not hysterical in pursuing a suitable response from him. Remind him of his deen, and remind him of the promise that he made to you in marriage and tell him that this is unacceptable and intolerable for you. The aim of the conversation is to first of all get him to admit to his wrong doing and the second aim is to decide what to do from here. You must be very very firm and strong during this and be prepared to fulfil any threat that you issue to him.
If he tell you that he feels that the marriage is over - then again, you must take this with dignity whilst he is in front of you and breakdown elsewhere, away from him and away from the children. If you beg, plead or cry he may change his mind, but this will bring no comfort to you because his decisions have to come from him and not from pressure that you put on him. I am sure that he will not say this to you.
Overall my sister, I advise that you invest heavily in your own support network whilst you go through this terrible emotional roller coaster. Family, friends - everyone who is close to you needs to be with you right now to remind you constantly that you are not, and never will be, alone - married or unmarried. I strongly urge you to come out of the position of weakness, and steer yourself into the position of strength which is the position of 1.) knowing your rights as a wife and mother legally and Islamically and sticking firmly to them no matter what threat befalls you 2.) Knowing your morals and sticking to them even in times of harshness 3.) knowing your sense of self worth, 4.) understanding that a bad man is a bad man regardless of the woman he is married to and absolving yourself of all responsibility for his actions and 5.) believing firmly and without a single doubt that it matters not what others do to us, we will survive, maintain strength, maintain faith and move forwards no matter what any bad husband or bad person or bad situation does to us.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Assalamalikum brothers and sisters,
Thank you so much for your advice it is really apprecited to know that you are all helping me in your own ways. I had been going through this silently and debating all sorts of situation in my mind. After reading your posts I had decided to take action and confront him so when he came home from work that night after i put my eldest daughter to sleep. I was sat on the couch and he was on the computer. I had been distant all day not really talking to him so he finally decided to ask why i was sad.
I asked him if he was happy in his life now with me and his kids he said yeah why are you thinking like this. Then trying to remain calm i confronted him and asked him so the skype address was and that it was a coincidence that it had his ex's name. Well he said thats my friends at work everyone uses my computer. So I knew he was lying and asked him to stop it i know that he has been emailing her during our marriage. Then he blew up got angry and said that I didn't trust him and that i was looking through his things. By then i was also a little angry and said that he shouldn't talk to me about trust not when he was doing this I told him that Allah SWT had wanted me to see this and that everything he is doing is haraam.
He then decided that he would not listen to me anymore however i kept on at him asking him that one day in the future out 1 year old and 3 year old daughter will be married too would he like theri husbands to treat them that way to which he replied no.
He wasn't being responsive and saying much so i told him that i was going to bed and that he can sleep in the spare room tonight. So after a night of tossing and turning and crying myself to sleep becasue he wouldnt talk to me I woke up the next morning to see that he hadn't gone to work. He told me to sit down and first he apologized for what he has done and that he was sorry for everything and that me and the children mean more to him than anything. He was crying which I have never seenn him do so im sure he was being genuine but I told him that our marriage is not supposed to be based on lies and that i would have a hard time repairing the trust that was lost as he had been emailing his ex the past 3 years on and off.
So now i told him it is better for us if we spend some time apart to figure out if this marraige is what he is commited to so he has decided to stay in a hotel till he can get his head sorted.
I am still in pain daily trying my best to cope for my children but I am holding to my belief in Allah SWT and i wanted to say a massive thank you for your words and taking the time to read and help me
Jazakallah
Assalamu Alaikum dear sis,
Our brother and sisters have made many valuable suggestions MashaAllah...all I would like to add is that some time ago I knew this friend who lived with her extended family as her parents could not afford to keep her...the poor girl use to get physically abused on a daily basis by them(extended family) and she was so scared of them that she didnt had the nerve to speak up....she tried to kill herself twice!But, Alhamdulillah she survived....even though the doctor said she wont be able to survive....Alhamdulillah she realized that she was lucky to be alive....and that her life was a blessing from Allah(SWT).....and MashaAllah she then took the courage and she reported it to the police....(we found out afterwards what she was going through)I know that the above story is not related to your problem.But, my point here is that suicide is not the solution to any problem(no matter what)...plus not everyone gets a second chance....and remember sis the time doesnt always remain the same!InshaAllah you wil get through this hard time....
Next time before you even think about suicide please do think about your two beautiful children....Noone can love your children the way you do!....May Allah(SWT) make things easier for you Ameen....
Ps. You shouldnt feel disgusted cuz you have not done anything wrong...
Salamu Aleikum my dear Sister,
I knew it , I just knew it. All men are the same. Irrespective of race, colour,nationality,education........
You didn't react emotionally, but showed ur boundaries. That's the best lesson. The fact that
he cried shows that he really loves his family, but the whispering and waswasah of the Shaitan
influenced. him. And that suppressing emotions is essential to make them think
Don't regret your choice to live separate from him for a while- however hard
it may seem. You have to teach him a lesson and insha allah he'll learn from it.
He will rethink it, I'm sure. I think this marriage is definitely reparable:)
I wish you all the best
Don't let anyone spoil your mood. I would suggest you to have a ladies-only party now that he's gone.
Ok, partying is maybe exaggerated, but inviting a few sisters, going to very good restaurants...
Sister, you need distractions in order not to think about that all the time.
And Sister Leyla is definitely right, it's never the fault of the woman. If someone wants to transgress
Islam and has bad morals, that's his own nafs al amara and it never has anything to do with the woman.
They'll always find excuses and ways to justify their diseases. It is, however, a good sign that he
apologized and even cried.
Give your children many kisses from me and insha allah everything will be good
Jazakallah
asalamu alaikum,
jus to say you mentioned He was crying which I have never seen him do so im sure he was being genuine? sis cryin doesnt mean anything, so do not fall for that. it took him this long to realise you and the children mean alot to him. who is he tryin to fool.
sis i want to leave you a story about prophet yusuf(pbuh) the story is long but il get to the main point.
yusuf(a.s) had 11 brothers, but his brothers did not like yusuf(a.s) the only centre of their paternal love so. The sentiments of jealousy burnt them inside. They decided to get rid of him. so the brothers decided to throw him in the well. soon after the brothers went back to their father cryin n sobbing sayin wolf has devoured yusuf(a.s).
quote from Qur'an
"And they came back weeping to their father at night fall and said: O' our father! of a truth, we went racing with one another and left Yusuf to loot after clothes and the wolf devoured him; but we art afraid you will not believe us though we speak the truth. And they brought his shirt with false blood upon it." (12: 16-18)
the point of this lesson is cryin is not sighn of truthfulness.
ma salama
Salaams Sister,
At least you have made some progress in your quest for the truth.
.
Separation can be very awkward. It can go either way, depending on how things area handled. Avoid dragging issues on for too long. If he shows he is genuinely sorry, then make amends. Don't go beyond limits to prove a point as it may alienate him further. Seek Allah's guidance in all that you do.
My advice is if you wish to eventually overcome this, then don't remain separate for too long. Also whilst you are separated, your husband should make regular time for the children. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and maintain your daily routines. As this trial separation will give you a taster of how life would be if your marriage doesn't work out. The hope is that whilst your husband has removed himself from the family setting, he will truly realise what it would mean to have lost his family and Insha'Allah endeavour to refrain from any improper behaviour.
Only Allah knows if your husbands tears were genuine. You say you have never seen him cry. Men are known not to show emotion, so it may well be that he was genuinely ashamed of his wrongful actions.
It is nice that you gave a follow up of your post as I often wonder what the outcomes are in many of the dilemmas presented here.
Insha'Allah things work out for you
Hopeful
MashaAllah my sister, I am really proud of you! You have handled this very well, elhamdulilah and I am sure your marriage will be back on track in no time.
You showed strength and confidence, you took charge, you didn't accept any rubbish for an answer and now your husband is very very aware of what he is risking and elhamdulilah, his heart is with his home and that is good news.
From this moment onwards, I would advise you focus on healing from this. There will be moments of paranoia, stress and arguments - but whilst his heart is with his home is it highly likely that he will do whatever it takes to mend the damage he has done and preserve his life and his marriage. See tantrums and bursts of anger for what they are from him: just tantrums. Do not give in to them and stick firm to what you know is right and inshaAllah the only way is up from here. It could be that you got there just in time, and that he has just lost his mind for a brief period of time. You got to him with the right message at the right moment, in the right way.
Well done, mashaAllah, don't ever be afraid to stand your ground and confront evil with good, because whatever the consequence of standing up for yourself is: it's good for you long term and short term, and everything we sacrifice for the good, brings good in the end. Sometimes the good we gain is the loss of a bad man, sometimes the good we gain is the restoration of our marriage, other times it is something else - but whatever the consequence is of standing for the right and going against the wrong: its good.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
salam sister...
i can deeply feel ur condition as i am also facing the same problem....crying n doing wazaif and pray 4 all women...u also pray 4 me...tc
assalam sister
I can understand ur problem since iam also facing the same problem.... Its really very hurting when we are so loyal then why arent they.... iam also in a commotion what to do... ur querry n the comments n advise ve helped me... tc... ah
Salam sisters Saima and Farah,
I am deeply sorry that you are going through the same thing its is devastating especially when we give them so much and they betray us in such a way. My husband has moved in and tensions are strained though it is the holy month of ramadan we are trying to live peacefully. He tells me he loves me but i find it hard now to trust if he loved me then he wouldn't have done something like this in the first place. I think after ramadan is over we need to take a serious look at our relationship, maybe even marriage counselling.
I am so grateful to this website and the brothers and sisters here who have helped me and listended to my thoughts and feelings. May Allah SWT keep you all happy
Sisters I will keep you in my duas and hope you will keep me too and inshallah things will work out for us
Just don't isolate urself too much, for guys will fnd an alternate route. Try to accept his apology, and don't give him cold shoulder. Treat him nicely, and with care. Make him regret to wat he has done. Surely he will realize what he did wat very wrong. Inshallah everything will work out.
could any of you help me, how can i forget my ex boy friend.please help me. m alone.he ditch me.m not a bad girl. he is my first friend, he kissed me but now when i talk to him he said we are just friends"hazaron log kiss krte hain" maine tumhari marzi se kia..plz friends dont take me wrong.m not bad.i just want to forget him .please help me .please.mujhe smjho.no one have the solution of my problem.please help me and dont leave me.m not bad
Ignorant, Asalaamualaykum,
Say Alhumdulillah that this boy went no further than kissing you. Say Alhumdulillah to Allah for removing this bad apple from your life, he sounds like a 'player' and his actions are not those of someone who is God fearing. If you are feeling upset, accept is as a small consequence of your wrong doings with this boy. Do Tawbah, do your salaah and mix with good pious pleasant people. Slowly but surely thoughts of this bad experience will leave your mind.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend is forbidden in Islam. You have tasted a small amount of the bitterness and pain of getting involved in such sin. So let this one bad experience be your last and vow to strive to be a better Muslimah. Good people can be weak Muslims aswell, and it is usually when we are weak in eemaan that we fall in to such sin. So let this be a warning to you; you must strengthen your connection with Allah to protect yourself.
If you are at marrying age, start looking for a spouse in a halaal manner with the help of your family members.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ps: Perhaps you could change your name from Ignorant, to something more pleasant, like Striving Sister 🙂
wasalm sisters...and thanks for your good suggestions...ya i will do the same as you said above...ya inshallah Allah will forgive me.b'coz HE is mine Allah. He is the greatest of all.and i know his planning for me is better than my planning for me.and i believe from now i will not get involve more in this type of stuff.its we who do mistakes b'coz we are human beings and it is Allah WHO will forgive me b'coz HE is ALLAH..who do forgive us many times and always remain with us.m sorry to me and also to my ALLAH.and at the same time.thanks to Allah ta allah, HE saved me.thanks Allah.
Please sisterz pray for me that Allah forgive me for my bad sins.please i shall be very thankful to u and all the muslims who pray 4 me.
ya m doing master in business, inshallah very soon Allah will send an angel in my life who will respect me and also love me...
pray for me..and ya once thanky very much for your time and suggestions
you are very good.i will pray for u also.
i am also changing my name from ignorant to JANNAt.. just bcoz of you.thanks....:)