Husband not practising Islam and is using drugs
I'm a convert and its been a great journey alhamdulllilah. Married for nearly two yrs.
My husband used to be so passionate about the deen. He is unemployed for a year now and has been using drugs. His parents assists us financially but he uses the money for his addiction. He promises to stop or go to rehab but hasn't tried at all.
His parents are not aware this is affecting every aspect of our marriage. There is no barakah in our lives due to this. I love my husband but how long am I to endure this hardship? I'm stressed out and sick of living a lie.
He does not practise Islam and this has made him unattractive to me. He doesn't fast during ramadaan. I attend islamic classes and was told to help him restore his imaan but he isn't taking advice or doing anything and lately he started watching pornography a lot too, but not while I am around.
He dismisses my attempts to discuss matters. I'm ready to start a family and want to further my knowledge in deen but he is holding me back.
What should I do? I have thought of divorce but think I should try harder before I give up as I love him. But I cannot continue to live like this. I am by the means to sustain myself. What route do I follow? I have been on my mosala many nights crying and praying for Sabr and steadfastness.
-Layla786
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Sister Layla, leave him. Divorce him. I understand that you love him and you want to help him change. But you cannot change anyone. You can't change a drug addict, or save him, or guide him. The motivation and impetus to change must come from him. And in your husband's case, he is not motivated to change.
If you stay with him this could go on for years, sending money down the drain, his behavior getting worse and worse. You could end up losing your possessions, maybe contracting a disease from him (drug addiction and disease go hand-in-hand), and certainly experiencing unending frustration.
If you want to try one last thing, then go to his parents. Tell them everything and tell them that you can't take it anymore, and that if he doesn't get into rehab you will leave. Maybe they can force him to go. If he agrees to go to rehab, give him a chance. If he comes out of rehab and relapses, then that's it. Leave him.
And Allah knows best.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Whoa lets not jump the gun here!!! why is divorce such a quick option???? why is every single person in the world getting divorced??????????????????? sister Layla I advise you to GIVE HIM AN ALTIMATUM.
That if he does not check himself into rehab or quit his habit cold turkey you
WILL divorce him.
If he DOES NOT take you seriously then get others involved.
Like his parents or your parents.
Divorce is a halal act but please use it only as a LAST RESORT.
If ALLAH (swt) is truly HIS LORD then he will
only realize that if he seeks help from you and
others.
Addiction is a horrible thing.
Hes crying out for help. Get HIM THE HELP HE NEEDS
AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW !!!
Nawid, in many cases I suggest marriage counseling, or other ways of healing or saving the marriage. But when it comes to drug addiction, I have zero tolerance. Drug addicts destroy everything around them, and drag others down with them. You say he's crying out for help, but in my experience you cannot help a drug addict. They don't want it. The desire to change has to come from them.
Your suggestion of an ultimatum is a good one, though I'd be surprised if the sister hasn't tried this already.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
WS I think the underlying problem in all of this are HIS parents. One of my favorite TV shows to watch is on drug addiction, it is A&E's 'Intervention.' There are two things that usually make an addict change 1) Hitting 'rock bottom' 2) having whoever is enabling his drug addiction (ie his parents who financially support him) stop enabling his drugs (by supporting him financially)
So unless those two options work out, for your own health, you should get a divorce, but consider those two possibilities before that
Salaam
I have been living with a DA for 6years. I have had stress and emotional pain like you will not believe. My husband and I are finaly apart and he believes he's demon posessed, this is just one of the many stories. His family is puzzled because he was a business man before and they are all trying to avoid him now. He has stolen from them in the 12 years since he started, so they are not too happy with him. The Lies I find just gets worse as each year passes. The fact that you Love them does not matter, this thing they want is more Important to them than family, I promise you 100%. My husband constantly forgets our Nikah Day and other important things, Nothing gets replaced or repaired in the house. The best part is the Money forget about the stealing out of My purse, let's talk about stories that are made up to get money from me then to find out he did Jobs on the side and Smoked up R3000.00 or that he stole from his previous employer in the Upholstery business the list goes on, GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN DON'T HAVE A FATHER, They run around at Night and don't sleep peacefully in bed, let's not talk about the excessive Intercourse they require etc.
Wael is correct in what he is saying, however I do think that before divorcing him, you need to at the very least give him one change, final one, by telling his parents too this time. You need to make him realise that this is it...he chooses you and a clean life or the drugs. And get his parents involved- make sure you do this.
From what I have seen of drug addicts, two things are needed for someone to ever come out of it - one, determination and strong will from the addict himself without which nothing and no one is of any help. Two, support, especially from those who are nearest and dearest to you.
If there are any chances of him giving it up and he does take it seriously when you do tell him that this is it and your not having any more of this...he will need your and his parents support in that. Perhaps his parents finding out and him being embaressed further by that could also help him change, you never know right?
It would be an embaressment for him that his parents find out and it would probably hurt them alot to know of this, however this could be the best thing that could happen to him; this may be the reason for him to recover.
If his parents find out and he refuses to give it up, then sister the answer is clear - if you want to save yourself then you have to leave this marriage. Your relationship with Allah, lifelong goal of becoming a better muslim and your right to protect yourself and your body comes before the bond of marriage. Marriage is important, no doubt, but the former are even more important than that.
May Allah swt help you during this difficult time, Ameen.
SALLAM
sister im in the same boat being married for a few months, he was married before to. i knew my husband for 5 yrs before we got married during tht period i found out tht he was on drugs i gave him a choice if he wants to marry me he needs to let go of his problem so he got himself clean for almost 2yrs and when we got married i found out that he was on drugs again on so since we got married till now iam giving him chances after chances coz like you said i love him and dont want to end it like that coz i have seen him being clean n he was a perfect person when he was clean he would practise is deen- pray, attend lect, read the quran and i think islam helped him to stay clean and becuase we got married we both got busy with the preparation of the wedding that he was drafting away from his deen which lead him back to drugs, i have tried everything - drug treatment, counselling, rehab but nothing is working he keep saying i wont do it again and when i check his bank account the money is missing or when i see his fone bill all i see is the dealers numbers so i know that he hasnt stoped, im very confused because i dont want to divorce him as i forced my family to say yes to the marriage because he was from a different country n my family knew that he had bad past but not to the extend tht he was an addict they thought tht he used to drug n party with girls etc so now if i do walk out of this marriage my parents will tell me its ur mess u clean it up and i know it will kill my parents if i break the marraige. so now all i do is pray to allah for guidance because im soo lost that i can see any solution. his parents know about his problem and they try to help but even them cant help him so we are lost. but now all i wan to do is walk out of this marraige and the only thing tht is stop me is my parents i dont want to break their heart because my parents care about what the society will say as this was love marrage and i forced my parents to say yes and all the ppl in the society know that so it will be hell for my parents.
Girls! Girls!
Divorce shud nt b d only matrimonial solutns, i've been wt my wife a love lyf b4 she started changin some attitutes which makes me go on drugs right frm d pressure b4 d marriege, after d marriege a quit drugs for long, until she's pregnant wen she started abusing me, i tried soo hard to pull my temper down which only got me back on drugs, one thing i realized is there's a secretive activities for women that is more than drugs and domestic violance it also trigger d above problems,it is nothing but a lesbianism. If most of d husbands found out they lead to drug abuse to take away there jeolousy, d love they've 4 their wives. Allah (SWT) create Divorce and order us to do it and not to do it. So my advice hear is u most clean urself off frm any haram evil acts b4 u can get back ur husband. But in as löng as u keep such habits, u can marry a thousand husbands and divorce them at the same time. Ur priority is ur husband and marriege
Your wife didn't make you go on drugs. She shouldn't be abusing you and you should have dealt with this rather than taking drugs. Taking drugs was an choice that you made yourself and until you take responsibility for you actions and stop blaming your wife for your drug abuse, how do you expect to give up this evil habit? You can't. So accept it is your own fault you're on drugs and not your wife's.
If your wife has cheated on you/abused you or wronged you in anyway then leave her she is not worth your time. Dont use her disgusting behaviour an excuse to take drugs. I know it must be painful but drugs will cause you far more harm then moving on from an unfaithful wife. Go to rehab, change your life and move on. If you need further advice log in and submit a post please.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
At the above man. Don't blame ur wife for making u use drugs. It's ur weak faith. U r responsible for ur actions. In the end Allah will ask you n u will say my wife. U must support her n not turn to haram. Where will it get you? I'm disgusted by your post brother. My husband smokes weed because he chooses to not because I make him. Allah will ask him y he does it n y he doesn't pray. She's insecure because of ur acts. She's not jealous. I get accused by my husband of been jealous. Y should I be.? Jealouse because he's taking junk and messing up his brain? No it's because if he is taking these disguting things, I'm insecure n lose my trust for him if he does these things wat else can he do outside the house? He has no fear for Allah. So u stop wat u doing n don't use her as an excuse for this. Put ur act together and wake up. All this is because of u, so don't come n say abuse here. I've been there before. Look at urself and then judge her. If u see it's not working out then u must divorce.
Well said sister Sara.
Salam alaykum , I am going through the same thin my husband has a problem I went to his parents for help and now the blame is on me I have to support just judgment and blame from his family
My mother doesnt know what's going on bcuz I'm afraid it will break her heart and give her stress that she doesn't need. We have kids , he's lovely to me but I don't no what to do. Every time I ask for help
It's just a fight where every1 says I'm killing him , but I pray and ask Allah for help since I'm not getting any help from any1 here, plz help with sugestions ,
Btw I'm being blamed but I'm not giving him the tools to do this I beg him to stop but he just denies he's doing anything
Guys im going through the same. Been married comming upto 5 years and husband has been taking drugs after couple of months getting married. Same as other sisters i have done what i could to stop him but nothing is seems to be working. i cant tell my parents because of the same situations. but his family are aware and said they cant do anything unless he wants to stop. i have even cried at my mother in law and said i cant live like this anymore. The responce i got was you took it for 5 years just take more as sabar ka phal meetha hota hai. Every day there always is an argument over nothing. always asking money from me and i dont work. he works but all his wages dissapears in like 3 days and i am stuck will bills, loans. Even my wedding jewelry had been gone missing. i have a 15 months baby. I have said to him if he doesnt stop then i will have no choice but divorce, he doesnt want me to leave him but not changing. i have just had enough of it and he has lost my trust and love. i just want to get away but havent got the courage as what are family going to say. someone please someone give some advise...
Asa everyone. May Allah guide my words. From experience substance abuse is not an easy task to kick. However tthou when you sincerely cry out for help Allah will guide you. Allah guided me by quaranic healing. Try it for yourself and your household. Only take your problems to Allah. And godwilling your sincere Dias will fget answered!
I came across this website. I found it very interesting. I was married to a drug addict. I'm writing this because I want to tell all you sisters and brothers that leaving your drug addicted partner, can be done.
I was married to my husband. We had two beautiful kids. He started drinking alcohol and started taking drugs. After seven years of marriage. Before that we were happy as ever. He said he was peer pressured into it. He said he wanted to do some "experimenting "He was 32 at the time with a small family. Let's just say his addiction got very strong and I spent a lot of money on his drug addiction. I loved him so much. It would break my heart to see him tear his life apart
I sent him to numerous rehabs, I was the only one working too so it was very hard to manage, two kids,paying rent an supporting a drug addiction. Six years I lived like this. It was the most horrible traumatizing years of my life. Allah know how much I tried to hold my family together. My money started going missing our of my purse. I noticed our electronic in our house would go missing. Whenever I used to leave the house to go to work. I would take my laptops, ps2, cameras, and put them in my car. I was afraid he would sell them for drugs .all these things happened in front of my small kids. Yelling and screaming etc etc.he used to beg for money.
We started having drug dealers visiting our house, because of unpaid debt he had incurred. Things were just getting worse and dangerous. . I realized the hard way,he would never quit, because he didn't want to. It has to come from within I even told him in would leave him if he didn't quit. He said to me you will never leave me.
One day I decided I had enough. I took my two children and left. That was the best decision in my life. I have never been in so much peace in my life. Its been four years now since I left him. My life has been amazing Alhumdoillah. I work full time. I live in my own house and I have savings. Mashallah. Sisters, don't waste your time on these dead beet. Drug addicted husband's. Leave them. They are not worth it. They will not let you succeed in life. They will always drain you and drain you until you are empty. Don't let that happen to you. With the help of Allah, I have been given a second chance.
I understand all to well. I have been married for only 3 years and my husband was an addict for almost 20 years before and I never knew. I asked questions about if ever had any types of issues like this and was lied to in my face. I try so hard to help. I have drained my savings sending him to rehabs, helping him in his business, being supportive. He cannot stay clean beyond 4 months. He has stolen from me, stolen stuff from our home and has left me after we moved away from everyone and everything I knew on the account of getting him help and starting over. NOTHING WORKS. I am still married and currently in debt, Alone because he left to go to another state on "Business" and has not been seen. Just came in the door as I write this with the same look and says "All I thought about was coming home to you" which usually would lead to sex. I am done. I am separating the beds and making my escape plan.. GET OUT NOW
As far as I am concerned these drug addicts are selfish self centred parasites!!
When it comes to drugs... Divorce is the hope to end all future pain. I am now giving my husband his marching orders after 18yrs. of pure hell. I have tried and done everything and nothing has made a difference. In fact, it just gets worse. the disrespect is unforgiving. No consideration for children, marriage and self is non existent. Not only does money go down the drain, but the morals and ethics diminish as well. I have pleaded with my Islamic community for help a guidance only to be repeatedly told to show patience. He has disrespected me in front of them as well. I've lost homes and have been forced to live in shelters. I've had numerous PFA's enforced. He's stolen cars from me knowing that I needed them to transport our disabled daughter who by the way was born 3 months premature and delivered by emergency C-Section and was told may not make it through that night. All the her father left us at the hospital and drained the bank account and sold my car to drug dealers. I never received my dowry. He's never stayed on a job any longer than to recieve maybe 1 or 2 paychecks. I've taken him to the bank to cash his check and when he came out of the bank he has taken off running down the street with the rent and bill $. I've purchased and paid for any home we ever had. He's been constantly incarcerated, in rehabs, hospitalized on the lamb, lies repetitively, shows jealousy towards my son who has been my backbone and has stepped up for me and his sister since he was 9yrs old. He has threatened my son and the sick and twisted list goes on and continued until now. I tried everything to save him, our marriage and our family. If he has remained in the home 2 or 3 months out of a year, it was the most trying times of all. Yes, there is no rest, you have to be one step ahead of them. I have had to arm myself and secure my home with alarms and cameras. He's broken out windows in the dead of winter and has had undesirable people come to my home looking for him. My dog has had to come home alone on occasion. I was introduced to Islam by this man and he can quote Quran with ease. He speaks and reads arabic fluently. These people are of the greatest of hypocrites. When you have had enough, it doesn't matter if they have or not. All I am saying is that once you find yourself becoming a statisic by ther actions of someone else, I don't care who it is, get as far away from them as fast a you can.
Hello,
I am writing tonight to seek an advice about my husband's disrespectful behavior and his addiction.
abcd, I removed the rest of your comment. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor