Husband wanted me to do haram things
I need help! I have been married for over 20 years. I am a practicing muslim and I loved my husband with all my heart and I did everything for him. I was a excellent housekeeper, took good care of the children, did all of the housework, food shopping and made sure all the bills were paid and we had good credit and did not owe any credit card bills or anything. I became ill and was not able to work but Allah (swt) still blessed me with money and my husband has a good job so we were more than ok. I found out that my husband has been on the internet soliciting women and massages.
He sometimes stayed out all night with the pretense that he was at work. He started drinking and smoking again. (He had some prison time many years ago but said that he changed and I waited for him to come out of prison) He started asking me to do haram things with our sex life and wanted to bring other people to the bedroom with us. I refused because I love Allah and I love this Deen. I am not born a muslim but converted many, many years ago. I am not old but in my 40's. I tried everything to get him to change. He stopped praying with me and we use to go to jummah together but then he start going later and later so I started going without him.
I am not perfect but I did not commit these bad acts with him. He has many female friends that he talk to all the time and go to dinner with and he lock his phone and turn it off when he come home. I was sick all the time from stress and worry and when I would tell him he would rage at me. He started hitting me but not often. Only when I would catch him doing haram. Hajj did not help he came back doing the same things. Now he left me and the child and I am trying to move forward with my life. It is very hard and I feel stuck because I worry about him being better with someone else and them reaping the rewords for all the work that I did. (I helped him get on his feet and go to school and get a good job).
I had to choose to obey Allah or do these haram things with him and I chose Allah but I don't know how to feel better. My child say I was too good for him but I feel like he was like that because of me, I was not good enough for him. Please make dua for me I don't now how to feel better to move forward. I need any answers right now I feel desperate. He treated me very badly but treat other muslims and strangers very, very good in public to seem like nice guy so I am second guessing myself.
Shukran
- Sabaa
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As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sister,
Thank you very much for opening your Heart and sharing with us.
You have done the right thing to do, to feel upset about the decision is normal due our human condition, but with time you will realize that the only way is to follow the Straight Path, you have this, Alhamdulillah, but he lost it, someway and didn´t appreciate your efforts for attracting him to It, now he is lost until Allah(swt) decides to wake up him again.
What you can do is to grow closer to Allah(swt), strengthen your bond to Him(swt) as much as you can, through recitations of the Names of Allah(swt), through the Holy Quran, through dua, taking care of your physical body, exercising, eating properly, doing some relaxation exercises.
You have to flourish and be the woman you are called to be, take this test as an opportunity to have full time to dedicate to Him(swt) and open your ways, insha´Allah.
Do something you really like it, enjoy being alive and decide to have a time to miss him, what is healthy, but when this time is off, move on, and build up your life, focus on yourself for a while, this will sound strange to you, but you need it to move on, share with family and keep busy but only enough to fill the empty spaces not to scape from your reality, remember always which is your priority in your life, be grateful for your blessings.
There is an amazing post from Wael, who has promissed us two more of this serie, that will be very helpful through all this struggle, insha´Allah.
http://islamicsunrays.com/riding-the-waves-of-life-1/
May Allah(swt) comfort your Heart in this hard moments. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamolaikum my dear sister,
I am truly sorry for your painful situation, but you made the right decision. I commend you for your strength and for choosing the straight path. Sister you did not do anything wrong, you fought against what is wrong and stood firm, that is a sign of a believer. Allah swt bestowed a test upon you and alhumdulillah you passed it as you did not go astray.
As for your husband you did the right thing by not listening to his haram commands. In Islam we are taught to respect and honour our spouses and to conceal their faults. A husband and wife are like a garment for one another: they adorn one another, they conceal each other’s faults and they protect each other’s honour.
Your husband was not respecting you nor the relation you both have. I am glad you are not living with him as you claim you were constantly worrying yourself sick. You were hurting your soul and causing yourself pain that isn’t needed. This is yet another test from Allah swt so you must bear it with patience and keep consistent with your salat. InshAllah with time the pain you are experiencing will dissipate. I can understand how difficult this may be for you though and I will remember you in my duaas inshAllah. Your child is right, you are too good for your husband.
As human beings we come in this world to worship Allah swt but at the same time we form social relationships that help us grow and become better human beings. We cannot completely isolate ourselves and marriage is a beautiful bond that many of our Muslims today are failing to live up to. I am very glad to hear that you honoured your husband and took care of his needs. You will be rewarded for this inshAllah.
At the moment I suggest that you busy yourself with your family, close friends and maybe a hobby that you have? Also offer salat, recite Quran (I find it especially helpful to recite it with translation so I know what I am saying), and make lots of duaa for yourself. And remember sister, this world is temporary, people will come and go. No one will remain with us forever except for Allah swt. My mother always tells me, “Once you hold onto His rope, you have nothing to worry about because you know He will never abandon you like humans do”.
My heartiest duaas are with you. Stay strong sister.
-Helping Sister
profect Muhanmed warned uis to do away from sins that he warned us...dont commit aram because fo ur husband Allah wud b angry with u..
Your child is right: You are too good for someone like this. He hit you when you discovered he was doing wrong??? You should have called the police and have him right back in prison where he came from. Women, please, have some self-respect! Over and over, I read about atrocious behavior from husbands, and wives meekly putting up with barbaric treatment. You are teaching these men that acting this way is acceptable. You are teaching your sons to behave like Daddy and your daughters to live and feel like you. Allah has done you a favor by removing trouble from your life.
Salaam alaikum sis,
i think im going through a divorce right now. i dont want to let go of him. he is very abusive and a very bad and evil natured man. but i still love him dont no why.
it hurts to let go.
But i kno wi have to be strong like you. and let it happen, for it is for the better right. and i should be thankful that Allah swt is removing such an evil person from my life.
i got no kids yet. But i feel reaaly old and like i will no longer have a chance to be married again. i dont want to be alone.
im very scared of that.
Anyway i dua for INSHALLAH. AND I DUA FOR ALL
ASALAAM ALAIKUM.
As Salaamu Alaikum,
I want to thank all of you for your comments. I am currently divorcing and the situation is difficult to say the lease. I know that I cannot and will not stay married to such a man. I know that i should have called the police when he assaulted me and I am disappointed in myself for that but I was worried about what my son would think of me for putting his father in jail. I now know better and I understand that being silent about domestic violence only make the situation worse.
I am grateful that Allah removed this man out of my life and I can continue to heal and worship Allah and pray for a better life.
Shukran
Sabaa
Dear Sabaa,
You have been very brave maashaAllah! Remember Allah promises that after every difficulty comes ease. May Allah keep you strong and determined.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum as salam, Sister Sabaa,
Alhamudulillah, you are fine, thank you very much for keeping us update. I admire your strength and courage to stand by yourself, Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) help and guide you and your son to heal your wounds, ameen.
Barak Allah Feekum,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister Sabaa......i feel yr pain....so difficult to love someone and they don't love or respect you back. I ask ALLAH to fill our hearts with peace, contentment and faith and to bless us with husbands who will lead us to jannah.
Ananamas,
Sister, please trust in Allah (SWT) and leave the abuser. I have been abused for 25 years and I thank Allah (SWT) for removing my husband from my life. I know how hard it is to leave but believe me you will be much better once he is gone. I have sakinah in my home and our son is at peace. We can worship in peace and I don't have to worry about all the bad things that he is doing outside the home.
Please sister, our husbands are suppose to protect us not abuse and hurt us. I don't know if i will ever get married again but that is not my priority right now. My main focus is to be patient and to heal so my son and I could have a better life.
I will make Dua for you sister. And please make Dua for me.
Im so sorry my muslim sister try to move on and think more about whats coming in the future this world will end soon may allah bless you and may allah be with you in this journey