Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants to divorce me and I do not know what to do?

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Assalam Aleikom.

I am an Asian born Muslima but brought up in Western life for over 20 years, and I was away from Islam for long time. I have been married for 5 years to Muslim man from Middle-East and elhamdulilah marrying him has encouraged me going back to Islam. Now, I am confessing and repenting every day to Allah, asking for forgiveness and cancel my sins in past.

Before I married him (he is my half-related cousin), he asked me about my past and I thought I should be honest with him. So, I told him that I had relationships before and also am not virgin. Still, he accepted me because he loved me, so we married.

Our marriage was working fine and happy but sometimes he did spy on me like checking my emails which I hardly use. Before I was married, I used to flirt with a man online (but never met or had physical relationship) and lost contact for quite some time. Since, my husband was spying on me, he found those e-mails and found also that this man was in my friends list on facebook. My husband told me that this is cheating that I kept in touch with ex-boyfriend even I am married. In my understanding, this man who I was just flirting with on internet was NOT my boyfriend. But of course my husband does not know the details and I do not want to tell him either because I am still trying to repent my sins.

My husband is wishing to divorce me because he is very heart-broken and not sure whether he can forgive me. It is my fault that I have been careless to be in touch with someone I flirted before. (But there was/is no relationship with this man, only he was in my friend list.) Anyway, I do feel guilty about it. I am confused and lost this moment, and I do not know what to do? I tried to explain to him in the beginning but he refuses to believe and cannot trust me anymore.

I love him so much, and inshaallah I want to spend rest of my life with him. We do not have children so the decision might be taken too easily compared to other parenting couples. Please share me some DUAS, I have no one to talk except I found this website to get some advice on what I should be doing or behaving.

FYI: (We were arranged for marriage; my husband and I are related. My husband was not expecting me to love him in the beginning because he knew (though never told him) I had no special emotional feelings except I needed man to marry me. After 1 year of marriage, I begin to love him from my heart. But our marriage is not forced or unlawful).


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I think the bottom line here is, are you willing to make him the only man you interact with (aside from your male relatives)? I'm not talking about refusing to answer questions to a man at the grocery store, but as far as your social life, are you willing to make your husband the one and only man in it? If you are, your marriage has a chance. However, I guess I see some cautions because you seem to think it's ok to talk to other guys online as long as they are not your "boyfriend", and he was "only" on your friends list.

    Islamically, you shouldn't be having any male friends at all, online or otherwise. It really doesn't matter what you feel or don't feel for them, what matters is the adab of your marriage. Since you violated that, you have lost your husband's trust and have to rebuild it at any cost, or be willing to let him go.

    If I were in your position, I would tell him how wrong I was for what I did and convince him that I won't do it again. How do you convince him? By telling him, over and over, that you are no longer doing such things. Let him check up on you if he needs to, because every time he does and finds you honest, it will help him trust you again. Have no secrecy before him, and let him look at all your activity online so he can be at ease that you are being truthful with him. I am only saying to do this because you were the one to make a poor choice, and it is virtually the only way to erase the shrouds of doubt that are surrounding him.

    In time insha'Allah, he will feel comfortable that you are keeping your modesty online, and won't need to know everything you do. If he continues to want to see every activity even after a reasonable amount of time, then there may be a whole other problem (he may have a foundational trust issue to begin with that no one can gap no matter what they do, in that case it's his issue to solve- not yours). Personally, I don't believe married couples should have a need to keep their social lives secret from one another. I believe doing so only feeds suspicion and invites impropriety.

    If a wife or husband is doing anything they feel that they need to keep to themselves (because their spouse wouldn't approve of it or "understand"), then they are probably doing something they shouldn't and should stop right away. Your husband has a right to be uncomfortable with any friendships you have with other men, and he has the right to ask you to dissolve them. If you've already done so, work on showing him that you will never do it again by remaining completely transparent with him. Insha'Allah the marriage will improve and the trust will be regained.

    -Amy Editor

  2. @ VN,

    I second, Amy and completely agree with her!!!

    How can you be so casual about "flirting" with a non mahram, "Oh because it's online!"???

    You need to understand one thing here, whether physical or not, you have at least committed a wrong in the mind! And that's worst. Because when we do it we're being a hypocrite, someone who plays all clean and good and pure in front of the world, but has worst on her mind! Worst is we're manipulating the desired code of conduct to our convenience, in fact, we're trying to play mind games with ALLAH himself!!! The world may miss seeing our dark side, but it's not hidden from the almighty, you see.

  3. Sister,

    Save all of your affection, no matter how slight, for your husband. An old "boyfriend" is a rival for your affection. Even just a small amount of affection is significant. Please save this special part of yourself only for your spouse.

    And follow Sister Amy's advice, it is very good.

    AmericanMuslim editor

  4. Assalaamualaikum Sister.

    In some cases like this, what happen is the woman just put her past man in social site just for friendship and that's it ! Since that's what social site works. She does not involve her feeling as it is only for her husband. Based on the experience when a husband shows his jealousy and anger for what he thinks about his wife's past man which is just in that list, it signs he also does the same thing and he involves his feeling so why then he puts the wife in his position. It shows the selfishness. This is only my experience. You know your husband well. My suggestion is pls make a better communication and tell him what you feel about him and about you are being to be a good muslima and wife so you need his guidance as the leader in the family. That's what a husband should do when his wife in the wrong path and vice versa. Close your social site and your old id. Make du'a to Allah to help you solve the problem.


  5. Salam Sister,

    It is clear that you have made some very poor choices however, I do believe you can work hard to save your marriage. You must be sincere about seeking forgiveness from your husband, not just sad that he found something you wish he hadn't. It is up to you to show him how very sorry you are. A good start for example might be closing your Facebook. A small gesture but nevertheless, an offering of sorts. No matter what, don't give up. If you love him like you say you do, show him. Understand that he is really hurt and you have broken his trust. If you want him...fight for him. Know it may take a long time for him to regain any trust he had in you and you need to understand that. Wishing you only the best.


  6. Salam sister in question,

    InshaAllah, you are doing okay.

    Personally, I see nothing wrong with facebook accounts provided it is being used appropriately.

    And based on what you have provided to us, this is my say on your situation:

    Your respected husband has to LISTEN to you and he has to forgive you and say sorry to you. It was error and weakness on his side that he was checking up on you after marriage. He had already given you his promise that he trusts you and will trust you after marriage. He broked his promise. He broked that trust. He spyed on you.

    The information he found out about you are all transactions before your marriage to him, which he accepted and forgiven you for those and thereafter your were obident wife to him. The only mistake at your end was your naivness, to have that guy in your friendlist that you once used to flirt with and you forgot to delete those emails, but then again not everyone is computer guru.

    Anyhow, regardless of any justification I gave above, you need to protect your marriage! There is great mistunderstanding! and the ball is in your husband's court!

    you should remove that man from your friendlist- which I think you already have. Delete all unnecessary, unlawful messages. Then de-activate your facebook. If need be destory your facebook account (there is a way to do this but I don't have the link) and again, if need be, never have facebook account again. Stop using the computer for some time.

    Talk to your husband firmly. Explain to him firmly. Cry to him but don't beg him. Tell him you were not in any form of communication after marriage with that guy. Tell him you have been lawful and obident towards your marriage. Say sorry to him. Tell him that you got rid of that guy from your account. Tell him, you need him, tell him you both need each other. Tell him again and again, that your feelings are for him. Tell him that you never looked at any man other than him (after marriage). Tell him you are sorry for forgotten to delete that guy from your contact list.

    Once you explain yourself to him then you should continue with your daily chors. Do your bit. Wake him up for fajr, do fajr together, prepare breakfast, make conversation during breakfast, tidy, clean, go work, come back home, prepare dinner, serve him food (try to have smile on your face), ask him how was work, tell him how your day was at work or at home, clear the table, wash the dishes, tell him to put the rubbish away, tell him that light bulb needs changing, tell him what you normally tell him. Do maghrib and isha prayer together. Basically, don't overdo. Just try to keep your day to day as per usual as possible. And each time before going to bed tell him that he has mistaken and that you love him and he means a lot to you.

    Sister, overall you both need to re-gain your trust on each other. He needs to trust you that you are obident to him and you need to trust him that he is no longer checking up on you.

    With Allah's Will, the following dua may help you:

    From Surah Taha-
    Rabbi Ishrah Li Sadry, Wayassir Li Amry, Wahlul ‘Uqdatan Min Lisany, yafqahu Qawly.
    (My Lord, I ask you to expand my breast, make my task easy, undo the knot in my tongue so that my speech will become comprehensible) (Moses’ prayer)

    May Allah (swt) help and protect you both in this matter of life.ameen.

    inshaAllah, takecare.
    Your sister, Parveen

    • Jazaaki allah Khairan sister Parveen 🙂
      I have taken actions as per your advise and it worked now. 🙂
      I did even deactivate facebook until he told me that he is ready to forgive me and permitted to use again.
      It took quite long time to go back to normal. He did try to revenge me by going out with some girl from work and kept asking for divorce endlessly, but I was patient to please Allah swt, then could see our relationship start to work out better.
      May Allah swt bless you and your life. Ameen!

  7. I agree 100% with sister parveen
    Really good advice



  9. i agree with all advises may allah make this better for you and your marriage works out inshallah don't give up just ask forgiveness to allah. Never go back to those wrong doings learn from your mistakes and build trust in your marriage whatever you do don't trust anyone other than your husband and communicate with each other this is the vital key to success in your marriage.

  10. Assalam aleikom sisters and brothers.

    I am sorry for not replying to all precious messages and advises, somehow I lost way to come here and while I was checking all my emails, I found way to come back.

    Also I am very sorry that I have not mentioned clearly in the statement which may have led to slight misunderstanding, although sister Parveen seem to understood fully of my situation and for that Jazaaki allah khairan.

    I was so panicked at that time, could not write exact detail what happened. So allow me to explain again.

    After my marriage, I actually did not flirt with any men anywhere.
    This stuff was happening before marriage but I forgot to delete emails and a person from friend list.
    I was trying my hardest to devote to my husband and be modest after marriage and we were both fine and happy.
    But after 3 years of marriage, my husband suddenly became cold and always suspecting me that I have secret lover with no proof.
    It was quite upsetting but I tried my hardest to please him, let him know where I am whom I'm with, let him have look in my mobile, facebook, laptop, I even gave passwords to all email accounts etc etc. (Yes that was mistake that I forgot those emails were still present...)
    But our relationship was getting worse even I tried to gain his trust.
    Then after while since he became paranoid, he started digging my emails which were even far more past before marriage. and he found those emails there, and noticed the guy's name matching with the name which he saw same from facebook friend list then the storm happened.
    After writing my problem on Zawaj, I did delete most of male friends. I kept ones who I know from work, childhood, university, which my husband also keeps his female friends from same sorts of background, and we became in a way equal, although he has some random female friends.
    He does not wish me to delete facebook account because if he told me to do so, I would request him same to make it equal. But since he cannot quit facebook, he cannot request me that.
    I had a feeling may be he was cheating on me and this is why he became paranoid, but I don't know what is the truth, and it does not matter because I still did mistake.
    Also I now understand, I was wrong to say "he was not boyfriend or anything blah blah", that was really silly. I feel embarrassed now feeling what is the difference actually and that wasn't the real issue...

    As advised, I have deleted my "past" completely that even includes even female friends who know my past.
    Alhamdulilah now we have reconciled after many many discussion and cleaning the mess up for a year, we became loving and unified again. 🙂

    Jazakallah Khairan to all who have cared and took time to write me advises, I was very happy to see all what you wrote for me.
    May Allah swt bless all of you.

  11. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    I don't want to be harsh but I want to be blunt.

    If you aren't willing to delete your male friends and stop contact with him, you really don't deserve your husband. It's spectacular enough that he forgave you for your past. You really need to appreciate your husband. He forgave your past and trusted you after that.

    Delete all your male friends from Facebook and all the female friends who know your past. Cut off all contact with them. It doesn't matter if your are "currently trying to repent for your sins." You have no right whatsoever to remain in contact with them.

    Then tell your husband you have cut of all contact forever.

    This is really the only way. If you are unwilling to do something so small and meager to save your marriage, you really shouldn't be married. Your husband can marry another woman who does appreciate him enough to not be in contact with other men-something that should be a given in any marriage.

    And you can marry someone more suited to your tastes.

    It's as simple as that sister. You really need to know the meaning of appreciation. Sometimes, in this deen we need to sacrifice what is worthless for what is priceless. And if you cannot appreciate what is priceless, then you wont attain it.

    The choice is yours.

    • Wa aleikom salam Mahmud.
      Thank you for your comment.

      We have discussed countlessly regarding friends issue, but we have agreements and acceptances to each other.
      We are fine now, so thank you for your concern.

      However, when you said:
      you really don’t deserve your husband.

      I took it really as insulting me.
      I respect advises but not insulting me talking like I'm a less person.

      Being blunt is fine, but not being rude by words.

      Have a good day.

  12. my husband divorse me thre time on massanger at one sitting and i dont want divorse , we have 4 kids , my husband is also intrested someone else. and he still angree with me , because when i heard about his girlfriend i react very bad. just because of that reaction he want to divorse me , i love my husband too much . but now i m to much worry about this issu ,pls tell me the right salution .

  13. Dear All,

    Assalam Aleikom!
    I would like to provide follow up.

    This post was posted 5years ago.
    When I read this again, I felt so embarrassed how much I was still lacking faith and immature.

    Alhamdulillah, our marriage still continues and now we have 2 beautiful children.

    After I read those comments, I did change my social life completely.
    I stopped having male friends and completely cut with past friends (including female).
    Since I was determined to change my attitude, personality and social life all together,
    I could gain trust from my husband again, and now we are happy together.
    We do not have those issues of not trusting each other anymore, but now he trusts me completely.

    Thank you so much to even who have told me that I did not deserve to be married to him, because that did help to change me to be deserved,

    Jazakumllah Khair and may Allah preserve and bless you all.
    (This will be my last message)


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