Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband wants sex ALL the time

Tired woman with coffee mug

Hi,

I've been married for quite sometime now. And recently my husband has been asking for sex all the time. He says he wants sex in the morning before waking up, at night before we sleep and in between during the day now that Im working from home.

Its ridiculous to be having sex all the time, having a full time job, children and household chores, clean cook, etc. If i get my period, he will throw a tantrum.

He doesnt help around the house either, nor help with the children.

If he doesnt get sex, he doesnt want to pray. Even if he gets the sex, he wants to sleep after that, and not wake up and pray. He will throw a rage if he doesnt get sex.

Am i wrong to complain?

- Convertor


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9 Responses »

  1. You should cooperate with him anyways. That is the reason Islam allows 4 wives at a time . So do not give him hard time in this regards. It happens due to the hormonal pressure. He can not control his urge to do so. Change his diet and add some vegetables specially dry or fresh cilantro in his diet in the form of juice.

    • Asma, this is not a realistic solution. Different people have different levels of sexual desire. They must arrive at a compromise that works for both. And the husband needs to stop exploding and losing his temper every time he does not get his way.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salaam aleikum sister, first of all it is really not good that he is missing his prayer because salat is a must. So please talk to him that he really need to pray always pray comes first. He also need to help on the house because we women are not a slave like our prophet Mohammed saw said.

        • Hello, assalamu aleykum,

          what your husband does is clearly wrong. no matter what, he Must pray! what he does is blaming you for his own failure.

          first of all, having three times 'intimacy' a day is not ridiculous at all, it is normal; provided it happens only occasionally.

          because after intercourse when prayer comes you both must make ghusl between those two things.
          So when you have intimacy plus ghusl plus job plus children it is virtually impossible to have it three times a day on most days without missing obligatory duties.

          One time a day or a few times a week is usually not a problem; occasionally more.

          It's absolutely important that you both are compassionate and talk in a calm compassionate way with each other and then reach a compromise.
          tell him calmly how you feel, maybe that you are afraid that he misses prayer but also that you are sad because he accuses you.

          You told us that it is only recently the case, so he kind of changed??
          actually the behaviour you described seems very much like some mental illness like for example a manic episode (mania).
          Those people suddenly get increased urges to have 'intimacy', feel more energetic, accuse their spouses when they dont comply, have sleep disturbances and mood swings, irritable, euphoric, even sad.

          Maybe he should see a doctor. and dont forget to praise Allah and make dua for you both.

          By the way. a man can not simply command a wife to perform intimacy when it is too much and without caring for her. I'm sad that some men use the marriage as an excuse.
          Or that they use their manlyness as an excuse for their lust.
          We must be moderate, and we must control ourselves.
          It is not true that men cannot control themselves that is simply a lie!!

          I converted to islam half a year ago, little bit longer.
          Before that, I made the secret habit (masturbation), but when I became a muslim I stopped completely and I did never do it again. I do not even have a wife yet. That means I am without any kind of 'intimacy' whatsoever for around seven months!!
          if someone like me can stay 'clean' for such a long time then this prooves that it's possible to restrain oneself.

          So, you're right to complain, but you also should be compassionate and try to communicate, maybe go together to a doctor, and making dua. also remind him that prayer is a duty no matter how anyone treats him.
          seems very much like a mental illness.
          Asalamu alaykum.
          nick

          • It started a while back and now its more frequent especially during the pandemic happening. Twice a day sex is the minimum, on a daily basis, no compromise. If one of the sex is missed, he will demand an explanation. I cant say I fell asleep or I am tired. If he doesn't gets the sex, he doesn't pray and not go to work. He works on his own, so he will say its my fault. He wants an apology everytime the sex is missed.

    • Asma, A big hats off to you fistly that showed up with such a great wisdom here. People normally don't understand what a man need and what he desire for. I appreciate you've highlighted that do not give him hard time in this regard. And I also agree that a man has to look the situations and what his wife actually looking for too.
      Changing a diet can work too in this case.
      You've won my heart Asma.

      Thank you.

  2. Salaam Sister,

    Have you tried explaining to your husband nicely? Sometimes things are quite simple, but because we don’t communicate them properly, it complicates things. Sometimes, we get busy with our daily lives and the difficult tasks it begins that we forget to breathe. It effects how we communicate with people.

    Don’t tire yourself out too much either. Perhaps, you can agree on a time and frequency that you’re both happy with and you want intercourse too. If you’re happy too, I’m sure it will be more enjoyable and fun for both of you and therefore, bringing you closer together.
    If you are happy with one another, it will bring positivity in your relationship. And maybe, your husband will start wanting to do things more often- with the children and you, like you mentioned.
    You don’t want to be emotionally forced into it or feel like it’s a chore.
    Rather, you want it to be like its a right.

    All the best, sweetheart.
    Your sister in Islam
    X

    • Yes, I have explained to him many many times. and he will show me articles about angels cursing me throughout the night for rejecting him. I gave up, I just give in. It will help much if he helps around the house, but he doesn't and he wont. He said its a woman's job to do all that.

      • Hello,
        it makes me really sad to read this.
        You are obviously not happy at all in the moment and you said you gave up.

        There are still things you can do.

        at first it would be best if you show him fatwas from famous scholars in the internet. Fatwas or rulings that proove that he Must pray, no matter how you treat him.
        Second, blaming you for his reluctance to pray is absolutely inacceptible. It seems your husband might be sinning to the utmost degree with this. Not praying and blaming you! Wow!
        There are zillions of scholarly rulings on this.

        Also not praying but threatening you with fatwas about angels cursing you.
        I dont know if the angels cursing you really applies to your situation, I doubt it.
        He Must be more compassionate with you and reach compromises and find other methods with which you both agree... it is his duty to be compassionate with you, this also includes accepting that you cannot have intercourse with him whenever he wishes it, because sometimes there are valid reasons to deny sex.
        It is also his duty to work! unless he is really unable to because of illness or similar circumstances. But as it seems to me, he tries to coerce you into intercourse. This is not the quality of a good husband.

        Practical tips:
        Men usually loose desire for a long time after they reach org*sm.
        So instead of "real" intercourse you might just agree on using your hand to do the job.
        This can lead to his 'satisfaction' very quickly and it should do the trick, i. e. he should be much calmer.
        So you save yourself a lot of time, you could even avoid ghusl that way. (But be sure to read the rulings on ghusl.)

        second tip: dont show your anger openly in return, because that would result in more and more stress for both of you, I mean, don't shout at him or hit him.

        third: I suspect a mental illness (specifically mania) at work here. Therefore a visit to the doctor would be good to check on his blood or organs, sometimes a lack or overdose of body chemicals can cause super high sex drive or mania
        Or he might really be afraid of something, so he tries to forget it by acting strange or wanting intimacy all the time.

        In the end he must work on controlling his sex drive to a healthy degree. Don't believe the people who claim it would not be possible.
        I have a high drive but I gained a significant amount of control over it, and so do many men who don't look for excuses.
        On the other hand it's also important to realize that men are... men... when they have a wife... they just wanna do it; so even when you are not in the mood you should still satisfy him. that's one of the reasons for marriage. Except of course when it is excessive and it overburdens you. But you yourself should not come up with lazy excuses not to satisfy him when he only asks for 3 times a week which would be well within normal limits.
        He has 'rights' over you and you over him. He would be obliged to have intimacy with you if you want it even if he's not 'in the right mood'.

        Oh I really hope I could help you a bit and that it will get better with you both.
        N. Rye

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