My husband won’t divorce his first wife
Question:
Salaam brothers and sisters,
I have a few problems at the moment and I'm looking for anwers. I am 27 recently married.. I am my husband's second wife. He is still married to his first wife as he has 2 children from her and the marriage was in family. I met him when I was 15 and of course fell in love.
He didn't tell me he was married when I first met him until after a year or so.. Then soon told me his wife was expecting his first child.. After a few years later he then had another child.. I was still with him through all this, it was very difficult for me but I just couldn't give him up, not that he has ever done anything for me but something was there keeping us together.. I suppose you can call it love. I know he loves me.
Anyways finally we just got married.. His wife knows about it and so does his family.. My husband lives with me but he refuses to divorce his wife.. He tells me he must get his parents permission and if they say its fine then he will give her divorce.
I'm just a bit confused, does it not say in Islaam that you must move on if your marriage doesn't work? I mean he has moved on because he married me, but why not allow her to move on in life too? . He also tells me if he divorces his first wife he will then never see his children. I have met his first wife and she has always said to me you can take him, he's no good for me. But for some reason they both can't come to terms with divorcing each other.
My family on the other hand aren't happy with this marriage as it was only a night before our nikah he confessed to me and my family that he was never islamically divorced, that is what he had always said to us.
- Azma
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Dear Azma, Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Let us leave aside the issue of you two having had an illicit relationship prior to marriage and just deal with the issue like this:
You met a man. He was married with two children. For whatever reason he wanted to marry again. You knew of the first wife and decided to marry him regardless. Islam permits a man to marry up to four women, if he can divide his time and financial resources in an equitable fashion, so the situation you accepted is perfectly halaal and there should be no issue in your mind.
As a co-wife, you can decide either to have a relationship with your sister wife, or not. You can try to develop a friendship based on the fact that she is your sister in Islam, and consider her point of view and have sympathy that she has to share her husband. Or, you can chose to compartmentalize your life and basically pretend that she does not exist, enjoying your husband when he is with you and busying yourself with other things when he is not. These are your choices and you have to decide not to let the jealousy that you feel towards the first wife overtake you. You have control of your emotions, if not the situation, and remember it is a situation which you freely chose.
Now, add into the mix that you "fell in love" with him years ago and have had an improper relationship. You don't go into this, but I don't mean that you actually committed fornication with him, but any type of intimate contact, like private phone messages, flirtatious talk, hand holding, kissing, etc., was not allowed since you two were not in fact married. Then, the fact that it sounds like his marriage was at least semi-arranged since he married a relative, and you might THINK the situation is more complex than it is. It really isn't; it's quite simple:
You have to recognize that you have no power to change anyone but yourself. You cannot force your husband to divorce his first wife. You cannot force the first wife to acquiesce to divorce or allow him to see his children. You cannot make people approve of your current situation. So, what can you do? You can work on YOU.
You sound like you never have made proper repentance to Allah for the sin of this relationship before you married. I suggest you sit quietly by yourself in a place where you won't be disturbed, and think about the fact that you have committed a sin in the eyes of Allah. Think about this, think about what running around with another man's wife did to your soul. Think of the fact that you disrespected yourself and this woman, your sister in Islam. You should regret this and beg Allah to forgive you. You should sincerely try to understand what you did, and then you should commit to becoming a better Muslimah and a better person.
Rededicate yourself to Allah. Keep to the five daily prayers, fast the sunnah prayers as much as you are able, and give charity if you have the financial means. Spend time online or reading beneficial books about Islam, and learn your religion from the ground up. Take time to volunteer to do charity work for those who are in need. Surround yourself with strong Muslim women who will help you raise yourself up. No matter what happens to everyone else as this situation plays out, you will become stronger and develop a core of self-discipline which will help you endure whatever comes your way.
In the meantime, you will have to learn to be serene and silent. Do not nag your husband, and never mention the idea of him divorcing his first wife. That marriage has nothing to do with you. It is not your business as long as he is dividing his time and resources equitably. When he is with you, be loving, kind, and attentive, and if he brings up the painful topic or talks badly about his first wife, then gently with a smile tell him that this is not something you feel it is your right or duty to discuss. Turn the topic to something else. Bite your tongue on any harsh word. You might think he "deserves" for you to chastise him, but it won't accomplish anything except to make him want to run away from both of you. You need to be a port in the storm for him, a place of peace and security.
You must also encourage him to do his duty. Let him know that he voluntarily took on the responsibility of two households and you expect him to give you your rights. Being a kind and peaceful wife does not mean you are a doormat and he can do what he wants. Encourage him to pray and fast and do his duty to Allah, and inshAllah over time you can all come to an equitable agreement.
Remember, you are responsible for you. The others have to deal with the issues that they created. Allah will not hold you responsible for your cowife or your husband. You have the ability to be a strong foundation for this mixed family and serve as a role model for the others And if they don't follow your lead, well, at least you are doing your duty to Allah and you are innocent of what they do. And Allah knows best.
fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
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Assallamualikum,
ALhamdullillah, you're the second wife and the first wife never objects and never made a problem about it...which is very rare...maybe they have some reasons for not divorcing at all...but would you be happy, if he will divorce her??
maybe he is thinking...what will happen to his kids...to his wife???how he would answer Allah???
try to be on the first wife shoe...would you feel the same??? there are reasons for everything thats happening around us..and we must think of others also.
make dua and ask Allah for guidance...
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Let us leave aside the issue of you two having had an illicit relationship prior to marriage and just deal with the issue like this:
You met a man. He was married with two children. For whatever reason he wanted to marry again. You knew of the first wife and decided to marry him regardless. Islam permits a man to marry up to four women, if he can divide his time and financial resources in an equitable fashion, so the situation you accepted is perfectly halaal and there should be no issue in your mind.
As a co-wife, you can decide either to have a relationship with your sister wife, or not. You can try to develop a friendship based on the fact that she is your sister in Islam, and consider her point of view and have sympathy that she has to share her husband. Or, you can chose to compartmentalize your life and basically pretend that she does not exist, enjoying your husband when he is with you and busying yourself with other things when he is not. These are your choices and you have to decide not to let the jealousy that you feel towards the first wife overtake you. You have control of your emotions, if not the situation, and remember it is a situation which you freely chose.
Now, add into the mix that you "fell in love" with him years ago and have had an improper relationship. You don't go into this, but I don't mean that you actually committed fornication with him, but any type of intimate contact, like private phone messages, flirtatious talk, hand holding, kissing, etc., was not allowed since you two were not in fact married. Then, the fact that it sounds like his marriage was at least semi-arranged since he married a relative, and you might THINK the situation is more complex than it is. It really isn't; it's quite simple:
You have to recognize that you have no power to change anyone but yourself. You cannot force your husband to divorce his first wife. You cannot force the first wife to acquiesce to divorce or allow him to see his children. You cannot make people approve of your current situation. So, what can you do? You can work on YOU.
You sound like you never have made proper repentance to Allah for the sin of this relationship before you married. I suggest you sit quietly by yourself in a place where you won't be disturbed, and think about the fact that you have committed a sin in the eyes of Allah. Think about this, think about what running around with another man's wife did to your soul. Think of the fact that you disrespected yourself and this woman, your sister in Islam. You should regret this and beg Allah to forgive you. You should sincerely try to understand what you did, and then you should commit to becoming a better Muslimah and a better person.
Rededicate yourself to Allah. Keep to the five daily prayers, fast the sunnah prayers as much as you are able, and give charity if you have the financial means. Spend time online or reading beneficial books about Islam, and learn your religion from the ground up. Take time to volunteer to do charity work for those who are in need. Surround yourself with strong Muslim women who will help you raise yourself up. No matter what happens to everyone else as this situation plays out, you will become stronger and develop a core of self-discipline which will help you endure whatever comes your way.
In the meantime, you will have to learn to be serene and silent. Do not nag your husband, and never mention the idea of him divorcing his first wife. That marriage has nothing to do with you. It is not your business as long as he is dividing his time and resources equitably. When he is with you, be loving, kind, and attentive, and if he brings up the painful topic or talks badly about his first wife, then gently with a smile tell him that this is not something you feel it is your right or duty to discuss. Turn the topic to something else. Bite your tongue on any harsh word. You might think he "deserves" for you to chastise him, but it won't accomplish anything except to make him want to run away from both of you. You need to be a port in the storm for him, a place of peace and security.
You must also encourage him to do his duty. Let him know that he voluntarily took on the responsibility of two households and you expect him to give you your rights. Being a kind and peaceful wife does not mean you are a doormat and he can do what he wants. Encourage him to pray and fast and do his duty to Allah, and inshAllah over time you can all come to an equitable agreement.
Remember, you are responsible for you. The others have to deal with the issues that they created. Allah will not hold you responsible for your cowife or your husband. You have the ability to be a strong foundation for this mixed family and serve as a role model for the others And if they don't follow your lead, well, at least you are doing your duty to Allah and you are innocent of what they do. And Allah knows best.
fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
hi. i beleive that you should let the first wife be as she is. YOU chose to marry the husband as YOU fell in love with him. YOU ran around him behind his first wifes back to create this relationship. YOU should live with it. leave the first wife alone. i dont feel she is saying that her husband should divorce you. i think YOU should be very gratefull that she has accepted you. she has a big heart.
i also feel you are very jealous. have some control. YOU chose this path noone chose it for you.
Salaam Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for your comments and advice.
However i would like to say although this is my choise of marrying him it was all based on lies. I know what i did was wrong but if he was telling me lies through out the years of knowing him i am not alone to be blamed. My husband had always told me he was islamicly divorced hence why he lived alone for so many years. howvever he did make it clear that he was meeting the children which is perfectly fine as its not the childrens fault and i have always encouraged him to take responsibility for them infact i also took some responsibility for them like making sure they were doing well in school and are in good health, also i financially supported them as i would gibe my husband money to make sure the children had the nessesaties of life.
But i and my family came to know he was never islamicly divorced the nigh before our nikah, he also made it clear to my family that he will divorce her as he isnt happy with her. Again another lie!
Since our nikah my husband isnt what he used to be, probably because how i knew him before the nikah was most likely all fake as he is now very ruthless, doesnt spend any time with me, has used all my financial resources to please himself whereas he has left me with nothing.
Since my nikah we both live with my parents, he doesnt pay or contribute to any bills or pay for any food. He doesnt spend anytime with me or my family. Its like as if he's living in a bed and breakfast accomadation.
He has left me with lots of debt which i can not pay for as i no longer work. He doesnt communicate with me at all only rarely if he needs something he will call me. He doesnt say Salaam to my mum(my dad doesnt live with us).
I still try my very best to keep peace at home as i cannot say to my mum and brothers that i'm not happy.
He leaves home at 11am and he will come home at 2pm in the morning and this is every day.
So the point in marrying me is?????????
I must say if i wasnt reading and practising namaz i would have really gone crazy by now.
So tell me what do i do. I have said to him if he feels he's made a big mistake in maryying me then i'm happy for him to divorce me as there is no logic in living like this but he tells me he is fine and has no problem and i should live with it.
I do know that he spends time with her and the kids which is fine if he did the same with me.
I live everyday saying to myself that this life is a test its the hereafter that we need to worry about.
I dont know how long i can remain strong as its not an easy to live like this at all.
Pls help or tell me something to read that i can forget the pain and remain strong and get closer to Allah SWT.
I am a weak muslimah!
Jaza khallah!!!!!
Dear Azma,
I 'get' you. When I started dating my partner I asked him directly was he married and he said no. after 4 mths it turned he was indeed married with 3 adolescent children. Within those 4 mths however he showered me with attention,jewellery, trips.He is relatively well off so he appeared to be my dream partner come true. We had an incredibly passionate affair and I thought I had found the one. Particularly after he kept trying to get me pregnant. I thought he truly loves me. and I fell madly in love with him.
When I discovered he actually had a wife and children but they were seperated, selfishly I didnt want to lose what I had. I thought well they are seperated and he promised me they were talking divorce and begged me not to leave him so I said Ill give him 3 years. He told me for the first time then he loved me.
Lets fast track 9 years and expecting our first (twins) he still has not divorced his wife. His children are grown with families of their own but there is no talk of divorce. I am not to bring her or the divorce up or he goes into a rage (how convenient huh?) Yes I have been resentful in the past, yes I have thrown the fact in his face and it is only after reading this forum i realise he wont be divorcing his wife. In fact I once heard him refer to me to his family as his 'mistress' which is probably all I'll ever be.
I am not muslim, but I hve tried to be a part of his culture. Ive tried learning his language, I keep a neat and tidy home (which is never, ever clean enough); I am respectful to his family despite he always insults mine; I contribute financially, working so far every week of my pregancy (im currently 35 wks) to make ends meet. He works full time but all his money goes towards his assetts and his things where as my small wage is expected to pay the food and bills and his lunch/ coffee money. I cook and clean in my heavily pregnant state and yet all he does is comment on how much i eat (im an AUS 12-14!!!). I spend my entire days off cleaning and cooking. If he sees a black spot on the floor he'll make me feel so incompetent that I go to my room and boil my eyes out. Everything I ask of him is ALWAYS met with a 'NO'. She can call him and ask him for anything and its instantaneously ' Yes'.
I feel he feels obligated only to his first wife because he has chosen to live with me. He speaks to her respectfully so as not to upset her; he provides for her financially with a weekly income, which is why I have always had to work because he cant afford to keep two wives and hes told me that.He bought her a new car when he left and gave me her old one, to which she kindly left me a rubber black spider on the steering wheel. And now I have no car at all and I must either catch public transport or walk to get around. He paid off her credit card and prefers her to look after his finances. She tells him if I cahrge anything on his cards.
For our kids I have used my meagre wage or my credit card to pay for eveything for them.He has bought them nothing. The worst was yesterday when my sister threw me my baby shower and i had to make my own way to my baby shower and home with all my kids things despite he has a $30,000+ vehicle in the garage. My feet were swollen and everyone pitied me at my shower, i just burst into tears in front of everyone.
Since then, and after reading many forums from women in similiar situations, I think I will have to take my responsibility in this situation. Sure, I was duped, I was told everything was going to eventually be 'ideal' but my baby shower was the final straw for me. I have bn pitying myself for the last three days, crying when I wake and before i sleep. And we havent bn speaking. Today he just left and went to his parents house (where his first wife lives). Ive decided I cant do this anymore. I know its accepted in some cultures, but not in mine which is probably why I dont understand it.
Lord knows Ive pulled my weight in this relationship but after the baby shower debacle I dont want to do this anymore. So Ive started looking at units and buying myself a little car. I dont let the fear of 'can i make ends meet' into my head im just doing it. Im going to ask him to pay me out, a much smaller sum than he would have had to if had to divorce his wife and this should give me a little kick start. we can either do it privately or officially. Ive done all the wifely duties for the last decade and she has been the kept women. In fact his mother told me once they would always fight so Im sure with me being in the picture her lifestyle improved incredibly. Ill happily share our children 50/50 and this way he wont have to divorce his wife and I can hopefully find some peace. and be the person I truly am instead of one who is contantly trying to please her partner while he constantly tries to please his wife.
I am not sure if this is the path for you Azma but ive done alot of reading of women in similar situations and I just think we spend so much time trying to make them happy that they take us for granted. Theyve become spoilt rotten children. And we're good people, we work hard and give everything but at some stage when the more we give with no appreciation or a word of kindness, at some point we have to think ' as long as I stay in this situation...I deserve what I get.'
I wish you all the best. I know for me its not going to be easy but when my pregnancy has gotten tough and my feet are swollen I just keep saying to myself 'one step at a time' and thats what I intend to do. I know i will be a far better parent for my kids being on my own but happy, than staying in a relationship, resentful and constanly feeling sorry for myself. Good luck my friend.
Hi.do u know why he always says YES to his first wife? Because he afraids of her & he always feels guilty about getting married for second times . He can not see u strong so when u do your best to make everything well actually u make him jealous ! U already proved that u need him and you never leave him so he does what he wants .. I know most of Moslem men and I don't like to get marry with any Moslem as a Moslem woman ! I prefer to be single while my parents protect me .
Salaam sisters,
I know this post is old, I just wanted to point a few things out. Islam teaches men to be the best to their wives, share time, finances, love and respect to each wife EQUALLY! The husband is the protector, and you will be the woman of the house, however if you do work any money you earn does NOT have to given to him only if you want to, it's your money to do with what you wish.
Please, sisters If your husband is not benifiting you islamicly its your right to ask for divorce, be strong in the eyes of Allah swt, respect yourself and know your worth. Do your research a few good books are, winning the heart of the husband and the duties of a wife. These books will help you know what the ideal PRACTICING muslim man is.
I hope this helps and if any of you ladies need anyone to talk to please find me on Instagram- @ muslimahiam
Salam Azma, I can understand the hell you are going through as I can say my story resembles to yours. I would like to hear more from you because I know you can understand what I'm going through too. Please contact me through my email. Mitha
Assalamu Alaikum...
Hi with regards to being a second wife issue, I almost have the same problem. I am married to a muslim man and i got converted on the same day.
Anyway in my situation, I didn't know at all before we got married that my husband had a wife and on the process of divorce already. After a week of getting married I just then learned about the 1st wife which surprised me a lot and got confused with the situation.
His story goes like, before meeting me, for 3 months he tries to get their marriage back settle their issues, after 3 months, as he try to fix things he then give up, because she's not coming back to him. Then he start searching, then we met. Im not muslim and really don't have idea about the religion, but since I love him so much, i took that big step and change for better and for Him. Then when the 1st wife learned about our marriage she start calling and crying to my husband to bring her back.
For the past 8 months Im with my husband she is calling night and day, she is crying and try to win my husband back. Till we get to the point of I agreed to let her back but i told my husband that I cannot promise that I'll be staying with him for the rest of my life with this set-up, for the fact that I know my self, I cannot lie to my self that this hurts me so much, and never dreamed of sharing my husband to anybody. I know this sounds selfish, being a muslim, but for the fact that i was raised as a christian, and emotionally i really cannot tolerate this set up. Then things become upside down, one day she will agree the next day she will not agree, she's telling his husband to leave me and bring her back, which our husband didn't allow it to happen. And most of the time his 1st wife was one of the reason why we usually fight and his threatening of leaving me and he'll go back to her. And asking to give her a baby then she will divorce him. Things is getting worst, and cause for us to fight too much and sometimes threats us to leave each other.
He use to tell me he loves me more than her, and i ask him if your telling the truth that you and you 1st wife marriage was finish then prove to me, I asked for their 3rd legal divorce. Then he answered no problem I'll give you a copy but promise me you will never leave me till we get old. So last week he went to the court for their last legal divorce and Im just waiting for the papers.
I just want to know if I am too selfish and if I displease Allah. That I ask my husband to totally finish their marriage? And secondly, We are married by imam and not yet legally married, is it acceptable? Do I really have the right over him, in the eyes of Allah?
Please I need clarity, for I am still studying Holy Qur'an and Islam.
Thanks and I appreciate in advance any response.
dear sister,
I hope you've gotten an answer since. I'd advice you to speak to your local imam about your situation. In some cases it's totally valid for a woman to state upon marrying a man that she does not want her husband to marry a 2nd wife/3rd or 4th. i had a close friend of mine make her husband sign that he wouldnt marry #3 well into their marriage. many of us are naturally jealous and it's not because of weak iman. I don't care if people disagree with my point. Allah is Al-Rahman...the most Merciful and i don't believe that women should be oppressed into living in these marriages with crappy men!
As salamu alaikum,
With all due respect I do NOT feel sorry for your situation. I am sad it happened and feel very bad for his 1st wife & children, but not for you & him. I feel bad that you wronged your own souls and ask Allah to guide you, ameen, but not for the fitnah your own hands sent forth.
You seem to be admitting to an illicit relationship you had for years. If that is true your marriage may not even be valid. Marriage of fornicators is NOT valid until they repent and stay away from each other for iddah period.
Please refer to fatwa on following link.
http://fatwaislam.com/fis/index.cfm?scn=fd&ID=428
The relationship started haram so of course there will be NO success. You seem to have no care at all about his 1st wife or his kids. She is your sister in imaan, if you are indeed muslim. How is that being a good muslim?
The Prophet, sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said:
"None of you is a believer until he loves for his brother (his fellow Muslims) what he loves for himself. (Muslim)
The Prophet,sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, also said:
"Do not envy one another; do not inflate prices one to another; do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another; and do not undercut one another, but be you, O servants of Allah, brothers. A muslim is the brother of a muslim: he neither oppresses him nor does he fail him, he neither lies to him nor does he hold him in contempt. Piety is right here-and he pointed to his breast three times. It is evil enough for a man to hold his brother muslim in contempt. The whole of a muslim for another muslim is inviolable: his blood, his property, and his honor ( Muslim )
The Prophet,sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said:
“There has come to you the disease of the nations before you, jealousy and hatred. This is the ‘shaver’ (destroyer); I do not say that it shaves hair, but that it shaves (destroys) faith. By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter Paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Shall I not tell you of that which will strengthen love between you? Spread (the greeting of) salaam amongst yourselves.” (At-Tirmidhi)
You have NO right to ask for her divorce. If he decides to stay married that is THEIR decision NOT yours, as long as he is just to all. In fact is is HARAM to try & separate them.
The Prophet, sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said:
“It is not permissible for a woman to demand her sister’s divorce so that she may take her place; she cannot have more than what is decreed for her.” (Bukhaari & Muslim).
The Prophet, sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said:
"Shall I tell you about the most evil ones from amongst you?" They said, "Of course." He said, "Those who go around with Nameemah(tale carrying), those who make enmity between people causing seperation and those who seek to corrupt the innocent." (Ahmad & Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)
The Prophet,sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, also said:
"The Qaati' will not enter Paradise." They asked, "Who is the Qaati'?" He said, "The one who severs the bonds among the people." (Bukhari & Muslim)
Also you listen to him backbite and very likely slander her. Along with him you make her out to be the bad one. She is hurt & confused. You both oppressed her and still oppress her by speaking ill of her. Again HARAM. What makes you think she is bad? His word? He was running around with you for years. Clearly he his isn't to be trusted.
Allah says, what is interpreted as:
"O you who believe! If a Fasiq (liar - evil person) comes to you with any news, verify it, lest you should harm people in ignorance, and afterwards you become regretful for what you have done." (Surah Al-Hujarat 49:06)
"Do not backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful." (Surah Al-Hujarat 49:12)
The Prophet, sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said;
" O you who believe in the tongue and not in the heart, don’t backbite the Muslims, don’t follow their private mistakes, for who ever follows Muslim private mistakes, Allah will follow his private mistakes, and whoever Allah follows his private mistakes, Allah will disgrace him even in his house." (Abu Dawud)
You BOTH oppressed her & her children. You Should fear Allah, repent and seek to rectify the situation by making duaa for her & her children, asking her forgiveness and doing good to her.
The Prophet, sal Allahu alaihi wa salam, said:
“Whoever has wronged his brother with regard to his honour or something, let him ask him for forgiveness before the time when there will be neither dinar nor dirham, and if he has any good deeds it will be taken from him in proportion to the wrong he did, and if he does not have any good deeds (hasanaat), some of the other person's evil deeds (sayi’aat) will be taken and given to him to bear.” (Bukhari)
These type of stories are all too common these days. Everyone wants love & a good marriage but at what and WHOSE expense?
Ignorance is often an excuse used but today if the person refused to seek clarity it is NOT a valid excuse. It is upon every person of sound mind to seek clarity in ALL affairs.
Please refer to following link for more on that.
http://fatwaislam.com/fis/index.cfm?scn=fd&ID=368
I'm really sick of women playing the dumb role, as if they are 100% innocent in the affair.
As a muslim, how do you fall in love with a man that is NOT your husband? Even if he had NO wife it is haram!
Why do you NOT ask questions or ask to verify a situation? Once you found out she existed you should have took action to make sure there was justice. You did not, you tried to push him to get rid of her,and keep him to yourself. You are just as guilty, as he is. If not more, since you want her divorced.
Why don't you ask to speak to the woman? You should do that out of respect even if she was not his wife any longer as they have kids and will have a relationship due to that forever.
What makes you think if he is running around with you doing haram he is a good muslim? You honestly think an adulterer was a good muslim?
What makes you think if he cheated on her you are so great that he will not mistreat you?
Why didn't you complain about financially taking care of him & his children when you thought he was leaving the 1st wife? Women sadly do many crazy things to snag a man and get rid of his wife. Then they resent the wife if her plan did not work.
Now that you know he is not going to leave her and that your haram actions with him & other means to seducing(money) him into leaving her were unsuccessful nor did it cause him to be a good man, NOW you complain?
I guarantee you if you ask this to a reputable scholar then you will not have sympathy. I think you may know that.
Please go to this link for an excellent fatwa that us similar to your situation, except that no wife & kids were oppressed, as there was only the boyfriend & girlfriend. It applies to ALL boyfriend & girlfriend situations
http://en.miraath.net/content/boyfriend-and-girlfriend-both-embrace-islaam-are-they-husband-and-wife
There was NO virtue of polygyny here. Just oppression, deception & scheming.
Please, fear Allah and stop giving islam, polygyny and women who have self-respect a bad name.
Take responsibility for your actions and stop blaming the 1st wife who may actually be is ONLY wife, and the only innocent party here. Repent from this situation and look into the entire affair TRUTHFULLY, as you may not even be his wife. Thus living in SIN.
I'm not trying to be harsh but I will not be sympathetic to oppressors, who clearly are self-serving and not at all worried about the rights of their fellow muslim. What Allah can do is nothing compare to any human's actions.
Allah Is Shadeed(Severe) in Punishment, but He is also Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful if you truly repent & make amends.
It's just very sad that the oppressors are more frequently playing the victim these days.....
You are so jusgmental its not even funny. May We be saved from the shar that people like you spread in the name of Islam. Tauba Istaghfar.
Asalamu Alaikum,
What I am wondering is, isn't one supposed to confess to these things before marriage? After all, we know that Islamically if either partner has any kind of hidden physical deformity or illness it must be announced before the Nikah takes place. This is to ensure that each one knows what they are about to receive in marriage and the choice of whether or not they want to accept that is clearly given to them. So why not in the case of already having a first wife who one has children with? It is the second potential wife's right to know this before hand so she could make that choice to live in that situation or not. You said however, that you married him anyway knowing that the night before the Nikah took place and you still went forward with it meaning you accepted it full on. Another things is, perhaps he is torn between divorcing his first wife or remaining married to her because of the children. If he divorces her, Islamically after the children reach a certain age, the father takes custody of them. Are you willing to take care of and love someone else's children plus whatever children you have? But then again, it doesn't sound like anyone is following the Islamic guidelines in this case. Perhaps his first wife will fight for full custody if living here in the U.S. It would be easy to do if she can prove he is practicing polygamy and that would take away from his rights and the children's rights to have a father. If she decides to re- marry I'm pretty sure he won't want another man raising his children. If he receives partial custody than he must have the ability to be fair with all of his children in financial support as well as meeting all of their other needs. If their marriage is in turmoil, you need to stay out of that and let them decide with each other how that could be worked out. I don't feel that you should interfere and encourage him to divorce her unless that is putting a direct strain on your relationship with him and it is for the best for all parties. Islam seeks to protect the family, especially when children are involved. if its something that you all think can be worked out together then find a peaceful way to go on with your lives without breaking up either household. If it can't be worked out then he must choose which wife he wants to remain married to or neither and start getting more honest with himself and take all necessary responsibility Islamically. Since you mentioned he wasn't upfront and honest with you from the very beginning and you don't have children as of yet, I would get out of the relationship ASAP. Think ahead 2 or 5 years from now what this situation could look like. Is it something you are willing to settle with? If not then it may be easier for you to leave now then after several more years and 2 or 3 kids later to worry about. If you love him and feel you can't separate from him then try to save it but somebody has to make a decision here.
I wish you the best of luck my dear. And just one last bit of advice. Seek to understand Islam more deeply and be informed of your marrital rights. Don't jump in to things without knowing what's ahead of you unless you are willing to take the good and bad along with it. Love is good and it's great to fall in love but love isn't everything and doesn't solve everything, I know. I am now going through a divorce after 30 years of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my Muslim husband and I fell in love with him too way back when. Love is a behavior not just a word to take at face value.
May Allah make it easy for all of you and guide you to do the right thing. Salaams!