Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband won’t have sex

Assalamalaikum, I am a newly wed. Im 27 and my husband is 33. We met 3 years ago. We had a wedding 10 months after we first met. We liked each other and fell in love only after getting married. We were both virgins and had no prior dating experiences since it was haram and our parents forbid it.

My situation is extremely embarrassing and distressing. Since getting pregnant in Feb15. My husband stopped having sexual relations due to the baby's health. He was paranoid that he would hurt the baby although baby was 100% fine.
We still got intimate but not via penetration. I thought giving birth would change it, fyi my baby was born Nov15. but he keeps giving excuses after excuses when i try to engage in intimate relations. its making me very very unhappy and frustrated.

I told him to buy condoms since i do not wish to get pregnant straight away but till now he has not gotten it. He is embarrassed to buy them and keeps saying we should get intimate and just not use one. (Im guessing he is not comfortable with the use of it.) Which of course i said no since i have no desire to get pregnant now.

Fast forward today. It has been 21 months and we only had been intimate TWICE.
I am left extremely unsatisfied and frustrated. This is affecting me mentally and physically and it affects my daily work. I would just burst into tears randomly. I am desperately craving for that special intimacy which is just between husband and wife only. I thought it's usually the men who have high sex drives and the wives are always the one refusing! I'm mortified that the situation is the other way around.

I have tried talking to him about it. But initially he gave excuses such as he's taking med for high blood hence hes tired, its the fasting month, and etc etc. I know hes not gay if thats what you might be thinking. Sometimes i just cry because what is a marriage without having sexual intimacy? I dont feel like a women, don't feel wanted sexually and i feel incomplete. Am i wrong to feel this way? I thought its the husbands duty to satisfy the wife? Sometimes i feel like im begging him for sex. IT HURTS.

I am now not talking with him because of this and its difficult since im living with his in laws. So i desperately seek your advice since i am at an utter loss as what i should do. I do not dare bring up divorce since i do not want to go there and counseling is out since he would never go for it.

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30 Responses »

  1. Assalamalaikum sister,
    First I'll advice that you check yourself first If you have a problem he doesn't want to tell you about because he doesn't want you to feel bad.

    Talk to him to be free with you tell you what's the problem.

    Always eat watermelon it helps increas the sexual hormones.

    Dress so mesmerizing, make sure you're looking good, cook something so nice and immediately after cooking shower to take away the other.

    Never ever let yourself smell, I'll advice that you often use almisk on your panties, you rub almisk on your panties before you go shower switch on the fan to let it dry, then after shower you wear the pants and believe me whenever ever you want to urinate and pull you pants all you perceive is a sweet smell. Don't do it always but often,most especially after your period it helps remove impurities too. The almisk for this task is pure white. This is because sometimes the genital parts tends to have odour most especially during cold or those with infection.

    Use lots of perfumes on your dress, make sure your room smells nice, and use a nice hair cream wit a nice smell on your hair.

    And the most important wake up in the middle of the night, pray to Allah talk to him,he will listen inshaAllah.

    Show your husband how sad he makes you feel, but don't forget to look like that sweet girl he fell for, and make sure your baby looks neat and good too

    • Salamu alaykum,

      Sorry to say but I really dislike blacksceena's advice.
      She is making it a women's problem. We don't know exactly what is going on but she told Darkhaven that it's maybe her problem?!?
      Dressing up, putting makeup on, smell nice and making sure the baby is neat and clean?

      If a man has a normal libido, he wouldn't make a fuss about a messy house, a baby who is taking care of but doesn't look as he/she is going to a photo shoot, or a wife who looks like she has been cooking all day.
      When there is love, there is physical attraction. And even when there is love, sometimes physical attraction is on a hold hence other problems.

      It seems there are some other difficulties that totally occupies his mind. Maybe financial problems? Work related problems? Physical problems and maybe he is not a guy who likes to talk about some matters.

      My husband and I are married for more than twenty years and we had our ups and downs.
      There was a time we weren't intimate because of all kinds of problems.
      I thought it was about me, I thought he cheated because I thought no men can last that long without having sex, I thought I was ugly and had a low self esteem. But it had nothing to do with me and my appearance. I have had five children and kept going to the gym, watched my diet but still I was insecure.

      After a while I got myself over it and talked to him about our intimacy. He told me it has nothing to do with me. He told me he wasn't proud and happy with what he achieved in life and that he was disappointed in numerous things.

      Some men aren't much of talkers. My advice is to be more attentive and maybe you will find out yourself what his problem is.

      Talking about it can solve a lot of problems. It's just the way you explain things to him.
      Don't be reproachful but try to explain the way you feel without crying. Most men hate crying women.
      For instance, I told my husband I didn't feel appreciated and loved because he wasn't spending time with me and was always busy with his iPhone. I told him he should make some efforts to show me he still loves me.
      And he did. In his way, not with flowers or with chocolate but it was the little things he changed to make things easier for me.
      And when I saw him changing I was more open and kind to him which resulted in more time together and a lot more intimacy.

      We should encourage each other to stay on Allah's path and we should be grateful and thankful for the things we got.

      I hope your problems look like peanuts in a couple of years and that you have a great life with your husband and child.

      May Allah guide and bless us all.

      • If you dislike my comment fine but if you'll check before I advised on that I asked her to talk to him ask her if she is the one with the problem I didn't make it sound like a woman problem rather I advised her of what to do to lure him into her without her actually using her mouth to call for his attention

        I should have asked her to involve the sheik in this but it sounded like she didn't want it known and she said no divorce

        If you had been patient enough to read to the ending you'll have seen my advice I asked her to show him how sad she feels

        because as a woman I know how painful it feels for your husband to treat you in a way you feel like you're begging for sex

        • And feeling all ugly and like you're not loved enough. If you would check I asked her to talk to him to show him her sadness. And I didn't say her child should be dressed like he/she is going for a studio shooting I said to look good. I asked her to make sure to do all those things so that it wouldn't be like the problem is from her, and your husband loving you so much doesn't mean you dressing anyhow and looking anyhow round the house and doesn't mean leaving your house all smelly and dirty because even if his stressed out that just add up to the stress. I didn't say the problem was from her

          By the way I like your advice ma'am

        • Blackceena: I should have asked her to involve the sheik in this but it sounded like she didn't want it known and she said no divorce

          How can a sheik help in a situation like this?

      • Assalaamualaykum,

        I believe that Blackceena was only saying that it doesn't hurt to look and feel ones best in this situation, not only for oneself but to rule out anything minor as the cause of his disinterest in sex.

        And Allah knows best,

        Nor

    • Actually I'm always on my best. I always dress nicely and my husband has always said that I never smell bad. He frequently kisses and smell me. Compliments on me always smelling good. So im certain I'm NOT THE problem. I always make sure to put perfume on and etc. So your comment was not so useful for me but thanks anyways.

      Was hoping someone can advise via Quran and hadith related. I have read that a husband cannot deny his wife in bed but happens if he does? Women will be cursed by the angel if they refuse their husband. Is it the same if a men were to refuse their wife?

  2. Assalam alaykom. He sound like he is asexual. Maybe you should ask him if he is . May Allah make it easy for you .

  3. Walaikum asalaam,

    you have right upon your husband. So if you want sex, and he doesn't. He has to oblige to your needs. I wont be surprised if his third leg has loss its power. Mid 30;s men some tend to suffer. Not saying it is, but as you saying hes refusing for no valid reason. Believe it or not, not every man has a high sex drive. Even some who have low drive they tend to be intimate with their spouse at least once a week or fortnightly. Not months in ends. I understand his tired,surely weekend is free? I would recommend exercise. Its good for mind and body. Hes worrying over nothing. He needs to man up. Also, if hes embarrassed to buy condoms,you can purchase them from online. Ebay for instance. Even some gents toilets sell them in a machine.

    • "you have right upon your husband. So if you want sex, and he doesn't. He has to oblige to your needs." - See the problem I have with that quote is that if it was the other way around and you said the husband has a right over his wife and she must have sex with him then you would be considered sexist.

      Secondly, the husband isn't a sex machine ... there may be many valid reasons why he may not want sex. He may be exhausted from work or something. I could understand if a man NEVER wanted sex with his woman but your line pretty much implies that he HAS to have sex with her whenever she wants no matter how he feels and that, to me, is quite a disgusting thing to say.

      Just as women aren't sex objects, men aren't sex machines. You may want to remember that.

      • I personally do not like the foreign terms "sexists" and" i am not in the mood" .

        A loving husband/wife should do some effort to help the other with their need for intimacy ... That's not a favor its an understood right .. no man should be shamed for being a man.. and no woman should be shamed for needing some intimacy with her husband.... even for husbands who have challenges getting things up .. he can still satisfy his wife and draw a big smile across her face. .. or women who are not always in the mood... give him a chance to get you in the mood... guide him on helpful techniques and buttons he should press to get you wormed up.. you can even get a relaxing free massage of your choice if it requires to.. and he will be happy and willing to do anything .. but never get rejected for no real reason . it only takes some courtesy and 15 - minutes only.

        How sweet will it be when a spouse feels understood and gladly helped when hormones are up the roof. ,, when a spouse feels secure to express their desires knowing they will not need to beg or made let down... love is availability and willingness... not a mood thing ... and frustration is a love killer.

      • What the hell you ranting about? Stop adding and misinterpreting things. Your confusion is the most disgusting part. You don:t have any valid advice but love to reply to others for your insecurities? Perhaps your in a similar situation? Did you read the OP post? So why are you making up scenarios,if it was other way around sexist etc and all the other useless things you blabbering out.

        • ahmed, take it easy please. There's no need for such an aggressive tone.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • I didn't mean it to be aggressive,otherwise I would have written in caps lock. Jazakhallah khairan for the reminder.

  4. God 4 bid

    • Salaam.
      First of all sister your feelings and desires are very very normal, so please rest assured with that one.
      I have been through a similar patch in life with the almost ex husband. The reasons behind his lack of interest in me was that he was chatting up young women online. He had a number of girls online with whom he spent great amounts of time with. So you may wish to explore his phone/computer etc. If he can talk to u ask him openly what the issue is. Should both of these suggestions fail then you could seek Islamic advice or buy him an islamic book that covers these topics may be that'll help me see your frustration.
      May Allah make this easy for you.

  5. dear sister i knw its really frustrating ,but u know wat u can seduce your husband just like i did with my wife. My wife was really pious and shy so i sduced her in our honeymoon since i knew that she might shy out of sex. U can also give your husband aphrodasics which can be used to increase sexual desires. Go to a herbalist or homiopathic doctor and tell them to give you some aphrodasics for your husband they might give you liquid or pills. But sister you must deal with this problem now tell your husband how you feel and make him understand but either of you do some permanent damage to your marriage. And try taking initiative in sex. Heazring about your husband i think he is not manly because what kind of men does want sex where most teens agers these days loose tgeir virginity at 15 >

  6. Yasmine: There was a time we weren't intimate because of all kinds of problems.
    I thought it was about me, I thought he cheated because I thought no men can last that long without having sex, I thought I was ugly and had a low self esteem. But it had nothing to do with me and my appearance. I have had five children and kept going to the gym, watched my diet but still I was insecure.
    After a while I got myself over it and talked to him about our intimacy. He told me it has nothing to do with me.

    OP: I dont feel like a women, don't feel wanted sexually and i feel incomplete. Am i wrong to feel this way? I thought its the husbands duty to satisfy the wife? Sometimes i feel like im begging him for sex. IT HURTS.
    I have tried talking to him about it. But initially he gave excuses such as he's taking med for high blood hence hes tired, its the fasting month, and etc etc.

  7. I remembered this big scholor told me and i had a similiar situation..
    He said why do you need it.is your heart that sick ? YOU SEE OTHER THEN TO BRING PIOUS CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD WHO ACTUALL FEARS ALLAH .THERE IS NO BENEFIT TO HAVING INTERCOURSE...BECAUSE EVERY LEARNED MAN KNOWS THAT TO MUCH REMOVES THE NUR FROM ONES FACE..SHAITAN IS CLEVER SO IF HE KNOWS APERSONS WEAKNESS HE WILL USE IT ON YOU ...TO THE E XTENT THAT YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE...SO IF THERE IS FLIRTING AT WORK OR ANY INTERMINGLING ..YES IT WILL EFFECT YOU ....READ QURAN MASTER SALAH AND PREPARE FOR YOUR GRAVE.WHICH IS THE 1ST STAGES OF STAGES...GOODLUCK

    • Thanks. So do you agree with the scholar?

    • Raul: I remembered this big scholar told me and i had a similar situation..
      He said why do you need it.is your heart that sick ?

      Are you saying people have sex because their heart is sick? Men seek sex because they like how it feels. Women, although they very well may also derive pleasure from the act, are generally more interested in the relationship enhancement that sex offers and feelings that come with being sexually desired.

    • Dear person, every learned human knows that sexual desires are normal. We have hormones secreted in our body leading to a sex drive, just like we have a hunger drive and thirst drive, sex drive is also a normal bodily motive. If not fulfilled then stress and depression due to frustrations may even lead to committing sins that a muslim wouldn't wish to commit. Only a person with great Sabr will be sane. One of the prime reasons the prophet adviced marriage is to have intercourse so that both are satisfied and may not be led astray. And once married, the wife does have a right for sexual satisfaction from her husband. So your statement "to bring pious children in the world ..as the only benefit" is debatable.

  8. Is your husband homosexual?

  9. A very interesting discussion .. with a lot of mixed reasons stress aggravation smells clean house it was great to see a varying range of DEFENSE for men.. to not have sex with the women they married.. I guess we need to believe these things in order to keep ourselves sane as women..that he is stressed, he is tired, on medication etc etc. I am actually a doctor and let me tell you even a heart attack is not a restriction for a person to have sex IF he wants to ..you know what’s the biggest turnoff for a women the feeling that she is not sexually desired by the man she is married to.. I have been married 3 years and have had sex at and average of 2 times in a year AFTER begging..and let me tell you it was not fun it was boring actually and I wanted it to end... my husband says he loves me but he also gives me the standard excuse of he is tired he is stressed he is distracted then he blamed me I have a bad odor I gained weight etc etc.. his comments pushed me into depression and made me gain more weight I was sad crying all the time and disappointed because I was a virgin when I married him although he has been intimate with other women before... what I realized after 3 years of crying is...it’s not worth it.. he is not going to change BELIEVE ME...for all those people who commented that he changed well to be honest they won’t be here if the husbands had truly changed .. still no judgement and I hope what you say is true.. to all those ladies who have read so far I suggest you DO take all the above advice
    Dress better
    BeautifY yourself
    Put on perfume
    Shine and be glamorous
    But don’t do It for him.. do it for yourself
    Remember you never brought him
    With you and when you go you go alone so why waste your time in tears and desperation
    All things are divided between halal and haram but I also believe if allah don’t want to test you he will ensure that you have and do things halal way not leave you helpless like this....so he gave this option choose right and choose wisely cause he is all knowing and he is seeing your situation and he understands your needs and your problems better than yourself as he is the one who created us and in the end we have to go back to him
    Live your life all women and if you have children raise them to be loving and respectful of all men and women..remember always..which ever situation you are in allah put you there ... and if you are not happy then remember it’s not the end cause it has to be a “happy ending” so keep praying but also learn to live cause this life is only once so cherish yourself even if no one else does always and forever 🙂

  10. Kahkashan: I have been married 3 years and have had sex at and average of 2 times in a year AFTER begging..and let me tell you it was not fun it was boring actually and I wanted it to end... my husband says he loves me but he also gives me the standard excuse of he is tired he is stressed he is distracted then he blamed me I have a bad odor I gained weight etc etc..

    If your husband says he is tired give him a non-sexual massage. If he refuses take him to a sex therapist.
    Did you husband have a normal sexual intercourse (average of 2 times) with you or he used a pill or an injection? Don't let your husband blame your for his low sex drive. Just make a list of excuses he made.

  11. Ive been married for nearly 3 years and going through a similar situation in my marriage. Since I fell pregnant my husband is no longer interested in sex. I always make myself look nice and take care of the house despite working full time. Sex use to be very frequent during the first year of marriage but gradually faded and has become non existent since falling pregnant. He kept saying he felt strange to have sex with a baby inside of me and I believed him. But now ever after pregnancy he has other excuses. It's been 8 months since we have been intimate. I feel so down and cry often. He sees my tears but does nothing about it despite knowing the reason behind my sadness. He doesn't touch me and doesn't let me even touch him. Every time he rejects me it leaves a hole in my heart and hurts so much. I don't know how much longer I will be able to bear being like this. Some of the advice on here is really stupid and disheartening. Every woman wants to feel wanted by her husband and it's their basic right over each other and a clear ground for divorce in Islam.

  12. Hello everyone I am a male and have similar problem with my wife but it’s me who don’t want to have sex with her. I don’t even want to kiss her or touch her. If u met her U would say she is lovely women like most people have said to me but i see a different side to her and I can’t stand being in same room as her.
    I have spoken to her about it I have told her the truth I told her the reasons I don’t like her and asked her to change this has been going on for 2 years now. She has not changed and still says she loves me

    I am not in a position for divorce I support her financially she is studying in university and jus about pay her fees. We have 2 children and children live with me while she studies, she comes home on weekends and most of the time argue about her spending. She will not change or she would of changed by now and I can’t wait for her to go back to uni.

    The guilty feeling I have Is I deny her in bedroom she demands it and I refuses, I cannot love her like a husband should love his wife in Islam.
    when I stop giving her money she upsets the whole family voices get raised children hear it and then I feel more guilty.
    Am I in wrong for denying her sexually
    All I can do is be patient hoping she will find someone else only then I can divorce or is it wrong to have divorce in my situation.

    • Rs, either divorce her or fulfill your obligations to her. If you have a problem with her behavior then find a way to work on it. But don't withhold sex as a punishment.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • RS what has made you become like that with your wife?
      From what you say, it appears like you no longer have any interest in your wife and no longer even want her in your life. You need to sit with your wife and talk about how you feel, no matter how much you think it may hurt her, coz I guarantee u that she is already hurting so much. Being rejected by a husband is one of the worse feelings in the world. You need to think carefully and make a decision. Withholding sex from a spouse is haraam in islam and sins will fall upon you.

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