Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does my husband have a valid reason for keeping from school?

Muslim woman studying, books, school

As salamu alikum,

I really need u guys help, I have been wanted to go to further my education for the last seven years. It has been put on a back seat because of my husband issues at that time we moved out of the country. Then we had a daughter and i could not go to school. Just when I wanted to put her in school and then go to school i found out that i was expecting again.

Alhamdulillah for everything. now my son is six month old and i am planning to go back to school in January inshallah, or at least I woruld really like to. The problem is that my husband will not watch my son for  twice a week two-three hours a day from 5:30-8:00 pm so I can go to school.

I alway support him in whatever he wants to do but he does not do the same with me. I work for him for free at his store and take the baby with me. whenever he needs me and do whatever he wants.

so ok he can't watch the child, I have my muslim sister who is a very good muslim mashaallah he my husband aproves of her highly. She is much older than i am and can be my mom and in all honesty she is like a mom to me and she has agreed to watch him for me free of charge. Alhamdulillah, but now my husband has another problem and he now says i can't leave him with her and even it was his mom he would be worried. He said if he was a year old he wouldn't mind but he will be two month from a year when I start and will be a year inshallah before the first semester ends.

He gets very angry when i try to explain that this means a lot to me and i would really appreciated it if he would make it posible for me to do this, but he yells and screams like he does for everything just so i could keep quiet..

and he says do what u want! I have decided to go ahead, I think my husband is trying to keep me under him and i am trying to get up from under him and secure myself just incase anything happens between us of to us . I can be of help to myself and my family.

Please let me know what islam has to say about this, I always obey my husband but this time i don't think he has a valid reason i do everything at home and help him with the store. Anytime is to do something for me he always leaves me hanging i only see him at the store and then he take me and the kids home and goes to his friends or Allahu ahlim where. He cant say on his best day that i neglect my duties. He don't spend time with us as a family and there is no intimacy whatsoever between us I have been talking to him about that for years. It's just so many problems.

The worst thing is that we can't have a decent conversation without him storming the conversation so i can shut up. In all honesty I think we are heading for divorce he won't speak to the Iman or anyone and he threatens that if i do i will have a divorce and I can't stand on my own . Please guys let me know what i should do?

- Sabri

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16 Responses »

  1. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    I am sorry to hear about your pain. Your husband has no right to deter you from attaining your education as long as you are maintaining your household duties towards him and your children. In fact he should be supporting you, especially if this makes you content from within.

    I think you have a larger problem here and he deterring you from achieving your education is a symptom of it. The root cause of your problem is the distance you both have in your relationship. You state that he drops you and the kid’s home and goes out with his buddies and there is no intimacy in your relationship. In addition, you both lack communication, something that is paramount for a relationship to work smoothly. I don’t mean to be paranoid and suspicious but if your husband is outside with his friend’s everyday and is not being intimate with you, this is something I’d be concerned about.

    You need to sit down with him (maybe in the prescence of an elder) and be forthcoming. Tell him how you feel and do not give him the vibe that you are afraid he will divorce you. You need to show him that you’re stronger than he thinks and you’re not scared of his petty threats. Just because you’re the mother of his children doesn’t mean you should condone his injustice. He needs to know that you have fundamental rights as a wife and he’s clearly neglecting those. Moreso, you need to resolve your marital problem first since clearly you are both getting distant and frustrated with one another.

    If your husband still deters you from attaining your education and this is your right, I don’t see a problem with you dropping your son of to your sister’s place for a few hours a week. He needs to stop being insecure and suppressing you. It’s about time you stand up for yourself and create some support for yourself. Education is a very powerful weapon in today’s age and time and both a woman and man should have it!

    May Allah swt make this trail easy for you and give you the wisdom to make the right decision, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

  2. I cannot say that you are the innocent one in this situation .

    I think , you wanted to get education just in case something happens b/w you and your husband . Just like you stated ,

    I think my husband is trying to keep me under him and i am trying to get up from under him and secure myself just incase anything happens between us of to us . I can be of help to myself and my family.

    Sadly , you have already made up your mind that you(both) are heading for divorce . Your desire to get an education is just to secure your yourself after the divorce .

    Please let me know what islam has to say about this, I always obey my husband but this time i don't think he has a valid reason i do everything at home and help him with the store. Anytime is to do something for me he always leaves me hanging i only see him at the store and then he take me and the kids home and goes to his friends or Allahu ahlim where. He cant say on his best day that i neglect my duties. He don't spend time with us as a family and there is no intimacy whatsoever between us I have been talking to him about that for years. It's just so many problems.

    The worst thing is that we can't have a decent conversation without him storming the conversation so i can shut up. In all honesty I think we are heading for divorce he won't speak to the Iman or anyone and he threatens that if i do i will have a divorce and I can't stand on my own . Please guys let me know what i should do?

    You are already frustrated with your husband . Seeking out for education will put you in a vulnerable spot and may lead to sin .

    I think you need to address the status of your relationship. Do it politely . Threats , accusations and arrogance will only deteriorate the situation .

  3. Sabri,

    As a woman much older than yourself, I say..."you go girl "!

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with a women gaining an education whether she is married or not.

    In a marriage there is something called, "respect". It goes both ways. Your husband should be grateful to have a women such as yourself who seeks more in life than washing clothing and putting food on the table. You are a seeker of knowledge and in my personal opinion, a wonderful thing.

    Salam

  4. salaam upon you my sister.

    in islam, in a marraige there is obedience, and it only goes one way.
    from the husband to the wife.

    the only time you can rebel against him is if he orders you to do haraam.

    other wise, it is binding upon you to obey him.

    if he has a decent job, and he can provide for you and take care of all the household bills, then he refuses you the opportunity to go back into education, you have no right to do so.

    • Doesn't Islam command us to seek knowledge? Doesn't the Quran constantly tell us to study the signs of Allah that we see in the world? What is the rationale for denying a wife the right to study and develop her mind? Islam does not intend for the husband to be a dictator who imposes decisions arbitrarily or cruelly. We are not throwing off the dictators of the Arab world to replace them with a petty dictator within the home itself.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • islam tells us to seek islamic knowledge, that is the obligation on both men and women, its not talking about wordly knowledge.

        a person may well seek worldy knowledge, its all good, but the only REASON is to specialise in a profession, so we can earn a living.

        and we know it is no way obligatory on a woman to earn her own living.

        if a person [Muslim] finds a way to make sufficient money without going to college, university, learning etc,by starting up a business, then we can SOD worldly knowledge. you dont need it.
        it is only to specialise in a field to earn money.

        and A l l a h said to merely reflect on his signs that you see, no need to learn about protons and neutrons for that.unless like i said it is the way to make money.

        • Brother,

          So, what you are saying here if I understand you correctly is that there is no need to learn about protons and neutrons or anything else really unless you say...have a job requiring the knowledge to employ it? Really?!

          I bake cookies, cook for eight, clean house, drive my kids to all their appointments, and a zillion other things and I most definitely want to know what a proton is as well as a neutron.

          It's not about making money, it's about one's desire to quench their thirst for knowledge. Surely an admirable quality for anyone...even a women.

          Salam

      • i dont know why a man would refuse his wife studying, but i know some men would not want any other man to look at his wife, so maybe the only way to avoid that is by refusing the wife work/study..
        thats what i see alot around me.

      • and also broth, i don't want to raise a controversial issue, but money is power.

        if a man has a wife with a high salary, then it will only become natural for her to raise her voice at him, to talk back to him, as she is independent of him.
        i've seen this happening in my extended family.
        the man allowed his wife to work, and not long after, she turned the house into a parliament.
        so he came complaining and wanting advice.

        so this may be another reason a man may want to stop his wife from earning, learning to earn.

        this is just my personal view which was influenced by what i saw.

    • Abu Az-Zubayr,

      The whole issue here is not about her husband having a decent job to provide for her and take care of the bills...it is about her desire to further her knowledge in a school setting. What is so wrong with that? If her husband loves her and cares for her and her happiness, surely he can work together with her to accommodate her?

      I mean, isn't that what marriage is all about? Sharing, caring, giving, loving, sacrifice and so forth? Alhumdillilah, my husband encouraged me from a very young age to go to school and go as far as I could. I did not because at the time, all I wanted was a family...I was happy with that. Years on, I see how foolish I was. If I had studied further, I would have been able to help my husband financially and taken some of the weight off of his shoulders so to speak.

      There is no reason a woman cannot go to school and maintain a family, it is done every day around the world. I hope with patience and faith that Sabri's husband might reconsider his position in regards to his wife's thirst for knowledge. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and she will be a much happier wife for it. To know that her husband loves her enough to work along side her rather than against her for something halal that she desires, she will only love him more.

      Salam

      • sister, thanks for the response.

        I agree with a lot of what you said.
        but the creation of A l l a a h are different.

        if i was to have a family, and happened that i was in a financial difficulty, i would never ever ever seek assistance from my wife, her wealth to get out of debt or something, or to pay off bills, even if i was desperately in need of her wealth.
        because i just don't take anything from a woman, don't know where this habit came from, but that's just the way it is for me.
        i would rather go to a brother, or a father who has savings, or even throw my son into the work force early to help the family, but i would never seek anything from my wife, any other female relative who can help.

        even my own mum, never (very rarely)] did i ask her to buy me anything when i was a child.
        so i would not need my wife to go out to work in times of hardship, because even if she was wealthy, i wouldn't take a ginni from it.

        no doubt there are interesting aspects of the world, like different cultures, races, but me personally, it pains me very very much to open a book about science, maths, the only reason i force myself to do it is to build my future, and think about my dads money which he is investing in it.
        thats all.

  5. Dearest sister sabri,
    I am so sorry to read about your situation. your husband is not doing the right thing by stopping you from seeking knowledge. As long as you are fulfilling your duties towards him and your lovely kids, he has no right to dictate terms on you. He should be gentle with you and he should understand your needs the way you understand his needs. He should be thankful to almighty allah for blessing him with such a wonderful wife, who takes care of all his needs. you can go ahead with your decision of joining school but make sure that you follow the islamic code of conduct while you are in school. Make dua to almighty allah. I really pray that allah takes all your hardships away and replaces them with ease. May allah swt fill the heart of your husband with love and affection for you. aameen

  6. You must have better knowledge about the status of your relationship with your husband .but the best thing you can do is to analyse what you want to do in life or what you want to be in life?.see,priorities of a person define his personality.so you can try knowing about yourself.

    Once you know about yourself ,you know about your priorities ,you will definetly reach to the conclusion either you want to life with your husband or not.

    Remember,Islam is not about interfernece it is about guidence."HIDAYA" ;It teaches you the better course in life .It teaches you to excericise sabr in difficulties and to be grateful for what Allah has given you.For both male and females ,It says to resolve your social and marital issues with the best of moral and ethical standings. It doesnot not intrude into your personal choices .In Short, islam sets you free while only submitting and bowing to Allah.

  7. Sister Sabri,

    Please, before wishing to study further, you and your respected husband should try to become good friends again. Make your home environment as peaceful as possible. Find out why he does not prefer to spend time with you and yours and his little boy? Why is he choosing to spend time with his friends!!! and not you? Find out what are you doing wrong that he is not happy and also find out what is he doing wrong that makes you unhappy? Please do not seek divorce, instead work on your marriage relationship.

    Once all the above is resolved then tell him how much you wish to continue your studies. And yes sister, most guys doesn't like their wives to study and work after marriage- they just want their wife to themself 🙁 .

    But from Islam perspective, provided the wife fulfills all her household duties- cooking, cleaning, washing, as well as raising the kids with good manners ( a husband must help his wife with the raising of the child) then she is allowed to study and work, I.e the husband cannot stop his wife from futher education or work.

    and sister, I encourage you to study- try to see if there is home studying for your course? But importantly, work on your marriage.

    Wish you well,
    Parveen
    x

  8. Today, Muslim sisters go out like men for work and education. Their logic is, "Islamically it is forbidden to deny them the right to education and work".

    I concur. However, it is strange that no one even questions the environment in which we are sending our sisters to study and work.

    How can a Muslim sister prefer to study in a mixed environment? How can she prefer to work in a corporate world where mingling between men and women is the norm? In a mixed environment, fitnah is inevitable. When I say fitnah, I do not mean that the sister will be having a boy friend or an affair. When you study or work in a mixed environment, you will have to work intimately with men. Yes, you will have to talk with your male boss constantly, you will have to sit with them to discuss a report, you will have to sit with them for team meetings. How can all such things be justified from an Islamic perspective?

    Such studying in a mixed environment is haram for men and also for women.

    I ask sisters to fear Allah when they bring the examples of Aisha (R) and Khadija (R) to defend their work and education in kuffar environment. Fear Allah when you bring the Mothers of believers to defend something that you cannot defend.

    I am not a scholar, but I SWEAR BY ALLAH, that if the Messenger of Allah was alive today, he would have NEVER ALLOWED Muslim sisters today to go out into the kuffar universities and kuffar work like they are doing now.

    By Allah, if any husband has a drop of geerah in his heart, he cannot see his wife in a mixed environment. So, my advice is, it will be better for your akhirah if you do not pursue your education anymore and stay within your home, If you prefer to go out, better divorce your husband first and choose a man who has a disturbed sense of geerah,

    • Stranger, you cannot swear about what the Messenger of Allah (sws) would do if he were here. Astaghfirullah. No one has such knowledge. Do not make such oaths in the future.

      The Sahabah used to study in a mixed environment, in the presence of the Prophet. He (sws) would teach from the minbar while men and women were in the masjid, with the women in the back. Men would ask questions, and at times women would ask questions.

      Women also attended the salat in the masjid of the Prophet (sws).

      It is authentically reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said, "On many occasions I start the prayer with the intention of prolonging it and then shorten it on hearing the cry of a baby for fear of keeping his mother away from attending him."

      Aishah said, "Women used to offer their prayers with the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and then they dismiss, while wrapping their heads in their scarf, without being recognized because of darkness."

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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