Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband’s brother was my wali. Is my marriage valid?

As salaam alaikum

Unhappy marriage

I am new to islam and I really don't know anything about it. when I decided to become muslim, a few days later I was getting married.  I can say I didnt really want to be married that soon because I just wasnt ready for marriage, but I did it anyway- guess to make him happy. So going on in the marriage, I still havent learned anything because it's hard for me to learn new things on my own, and I still was into my old ways. Anyway, I just couldn't adjust to the whole marriage thing and till this day I still dont know much about Islam.

The marriage  I'm in is just not for me.  We're both unhappy and I just keep doing things to make him mad, and things that are wrong- only because I feel trapped and I just dont want to be here.  So as long as I stay I keep doing things....

I found out his true side once we were married and I don't like the person he is. I don't know what to do because I'm scared. He's always telling me I'm going to end up in the hellfire if I left him,  and I'm not even sure if our marriage is correct because he made his brother my wali when I became muslim since I had no one in my family (to be my wali).  Later on I heard it wasn't valid beacause we didn't do it the correct way, because his brother can't be my wali. So I'm really confused and dont know what to do. I need help.



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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    As far as I understand, if all the other provisions for an Islamic marriage were kept, and your brother in law who served as your wali was an adult of sound mind and also a Muslim, and you agreed to this, him being your wali is valid since there was no one on your side of the family to act in that capacity.

    Let me assure you that in principle, a wife who wants a divorce is not destined to Hellfire for that in and of itself. Even though Allah hates divorce, He has made it permissable under certain circumstances, even if the wife initiates it.

    But before you go looking into that as an option, consider whether it is the marriage itself that is causing your distress, or your new life as a Muslim. Sometimes when both happen at once it's hard to know where the stress is coming from. You agreed to marry him for some reason, so there must have been something that you liked about him to make such a big commitment. Is it possible to work at getting back to the elements that drew you to one another? Would you and he be willing to speak with an imam about the difficulties you are facing so that they can be resolved and you can enjoy your marriage to one another?

    If you find that becoming a Muslim is the root issue, then take time to learn about the faith. Granted, there is a lot to learn and it's not something you can conquer in a few weeks, even a lifetime! Start with learning about your rights and duties as a wife, and his rights and duties as a husband. Read a good biography about the life of Muhammad (saws) and understand why his character is so outstanding, why we try to emulate his ways in all of our affairs. Ask questions to teachers you trust at the local masjid, or even islamic websites such as this one. It may be that a lot of things will fall into place once you have understood where you are and where you are going, both as a wife and Muslimah.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Asalam Alaykum,

    I am 36 years old and have son 18, daughters 16 and 10. I was divorced from my first husband in 2003 (I was Christian), and in 2005 me and my three children accepted Islam and became practicing Muslims, During this time I met an Egyptian on the internet and began an 18 month internet relationship which lead to marriage. His family never accepted the marriage. I went to Egypt, alone, no wali, married him and immigrated my husband to America to be with me and my children. After he received his 10 year residency, he left me. I sought council from the Imam and we were advised to divorce. I was devastated. One year has passed.

    My son is in college, and me and my daughters have moved to a new community, because of my job. I immediately went to the Masjid to advise that I am single women with two daughters, new to the community. We received no proper introduction to the community, and never even met the Imam. A couple of weeks after I moved into my new home, two brothers from the Masjid offer to help me move my furniture into the home. I accepted the offer, and I paid the men for their services. Since this time, they have continued to harass me. One came to my home on two different occasion unannounced and uninvited. This made me very uncomfortable and I felt unsafe. I spoke with some people in the community about this and was told that I should have a wali/guardian to look over me and my daughters. I explained that the Imam and the community know that I am here with my daughters alone, and that I have no wali and no one has been appointed to me.

    Since this time, I have found someone who I am considering for marriage. I met him on a muslim dating site on the internet, and he too is in Egypt. He has requested my wali as he would like to marry me, and have me to move and live with him and his family in Egypt. Ironically, I had planned a trip to Egypt for business purposes approximately two months before I met this brother on the internet. I told him that I was already coming to Egypt for a business conference, but I have no wali. I contact the majsid, via email to tell them that I had been approached for marriage and would like to speak with someone about performing Nikah, my rights, etc. The Imam has not responded to my request. The one who wants to marry me has also tried to contact the Iman via email. Nothing. So, he has offered his older brother as my wali or his father. I have spoke with both.

    Is it permissible for me to accept the wali he has appointed to me, and then marry him?

    • Dear Khadija,

      Since I can sense your vulnerability, I will give you a brief reply here. But if you want further advice, you must log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      Firstly, it is not wise for a woman to be telling everyone that she is living with two young daughters and has no male relative in the home. I understand you have only done this in an attempt to find a 'wali, but unfortunately we do not live in a ideal world. We cannot trust anyone and everyone just because they are Muslim or expect the to help us. In future, be careful of whom you open up to and do not let strange men into you home. In fact, do not open the door if you feel uncomfortable. If these men try to approach you without valid reason again, complain to the masjid leader or even go to the police.

      Secondly, with regards to needing a wali for marriage, I do believe that as your son is now a young adult, he may be able to act as your wali. But I am not 100% sure of this and will ask one of my colleagues to check this.

      As your sister in Islam, I will advise you to be wary of the internet relationship you are involved. Before you agree to marriage, meet the man and his family and make enquiries. Whats the rush? Allah has given you instincts, a brain and a heart to enquire and judge a situation with. He(swt) has also given you experience to learn from. So don't make the same mistake twice.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Regarding the wali, any good, pious and responsible muslim brother can stand as your wali. Be it his older brother or his father or any brother you trust.., but i dont support the idea of your son becoming your wali.. I feel it does'nt make sense for your own son to serve as your guardian in your own marriage. But the issue here is you should be very careful not to fall on the wrong hand.. Take your time and know the true colour of this man very well. Take your time and examine his families and dont make hasty conclusions.. GOOD LUCK AND MAY ALLAH HELP YOU.

  3. Firstly , secondly is my pattern of writing comments

    ( ^ _ ^ ) just for laugh

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