Husband’s Housekeeping Habits are Causing Problems
Assalamu-alaikum,
I have been with my husband for 5 years now and alhamdulillah Allah has given me a wonderful husband and I am happy with most aspects of our relationship.
I try my best to fulfill my duties towards him as a Muslim wife, I cook, clean, look after our daughter best I can and help as much as I can towards the finances. I am happy and satisfied with everything he provides me and never ask for more. He fulfils many of his rights towards me as well. I love him with my heart and try to show him that by going as far as I am capable of for him.
However, he can be very inconsiderate and unappreciative at times. After work at times he won't say salaams or even smile. (I understand that he is tired after work so I leave him). He will never ever helps out around the house which I don't mind but he will leave a a lot of mess after himself. For example if he uses the bathroom the whole bathroom will be soaking wet that it is a hazard to enter.
He throws all his clothes all over the floor so that I cannot tell which are clean and which need washing. After work he will throw his shoes anywhere on the floor, his coat on the sofa and his other bits and bobs will be everywhere. He won't sit with me he will go straight upstairs to workout. Whilst he is working out I will get dinner ready for him and give it to him in his hand. After dinner He will not even lift one plate which I don't mind but it would be really nice if one day he just thought to himself let me help my wife who has prepared this dinner for me. I don't mind if he does no housework whatsoever but if he would just tidy up after himself, I feel I am constantly tidying up after him.
He just doesn't realise that I am constantly cleaning up after him and refuses to believe it. I only mention it when things really get on top of me but he gets really angry and always leads to an argument which makes me feel guilty and wish that I had never said anything. I always try to greet him with love but he says I don't and Allah knows I mostly always do salaams and ask how his day went but he denies it and gets angry.
I always think about the hadith where it has been mentioned that the majority of the inhabitants of jahannum will be women as they do not appreciate their husbands. Therfore I always have fear in complaining to him in case he thinks I'm being unappreciative. I try to mention things calmly but he always gets so angry and doesnt appreciate anything that I do for him. I buy him gifts and his favourite things to eat only wanting his happiness. But he doesn't ever aknowledge it or even care enough to say jazakallah. I always say to him 'I am very lucky to have you in my life without you I would be nowhere'. But when I mention the tiniest things of his habits that make life a bit hard for me he stays quiet up to a point then he shouts and calls me ungrateful. I only repeat myself as he doesnt behave as though he has heard me or make a concious effort of changing. I am not asking for much, I do not want him to help with any house chores as I know he gets tired I just want him to be tidy and appreciative.
I am willing to acknowledge that I too have habits that are displeasing. Sometimes I may keep repeating myself as I feel he hasn't heard me or understood my opinion. But I am trying hard to change my habits. I do get moody very easily, but mostly because my husband thinks my genuine acts of kindness are an act to show-off. I hate it when he thinks I am playing tactics when those thoughts have not even crossed my mind, it upsets me. Say we have had an argument and I cry he thinks I am crying for his sympathy, but in reality I would be crying whether he was present or not as I am the kind of person that hates arguments and disagreements. Anybody you ask , people see me as a very soft person with a soft heart who means well to all. I do not have a nasty/ mean nature in me.
But the way my husband behaves with me at times not understanding me has brought out a nasty side in me that I never had before. I stayed up all night and spent my day trying to make my husband forgive me for making him angry when I asked him to clean up after himself. But he just wouldnt forgive me no matter how hard I tried he just ignored me or threw words of hatred back at me and kept putting me down so I lost my temper and lashed out at him immediately feeling guilty and I was reduced to tears for fear of my actions. I just feel that my husband can push me to the limits that I don't realise what I am doing and I will start shouting and swearing and he causes my behaviour when I try so hard for him and live my whole life for him and his family. When I have lost my temper over him then I immediately feel guilty and start crying and beg for him to forgive me but he doesn't for days, even though he is the source of my anger and upset.
Please help me.
- shabz57
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Assalam alaikum,
Sister your post is interesting, but I mean seriously its not a big problem to worry about.
MashaAllah your husaband is doing other good stuff and may Allah keep you guys happy and together forever.
Few points
1- MashaAllah it looks like you are fulfilling all your duties and only Allah can reward you for this. But I think you are thinking too much about this or putting too much energy on this issue(being untidy in house).If you think less and put a little less pressure on yourself i think it will be good for you. In other words take it easy 🙂
2- One option can be you can directly send this message to your husband to discuss different points in here.
3- If every good effort of ours is reciprocated by people according to amount of effort or energy we put into the problem then we might start doing it for them instead of Allah(s.w.t). MashaAllah you are doing it for Allah. Your husband not reciprocating according to the amount of energy or 'ikhlas' you put in does not mean that Allah does not know about it. Your husband not reciprocating can mean two things:
i- Allah is testing you to see for whom you are doing the work for your husband or for Allah (And we know that your 'Niyat' is for Allah).
ii- If your niyat is to make Allah happy then it can be an indication that you sould put more energy in other 'Ibadaat' apart from taking care of your spouse. Please note I am not saying that don't take care of your spouse, I am just saying that please do it with moderation, while juggling between your other Farz Ibadaat.
4- One option can be that you can suggest reading this article for yourself and your husband I am sure it will help conveying your point.
http://muslimmatters.org/2007/03/12/60-ways-to-keep-your-spouses-love/
These are my 2 cents. Please note I am no expert probably others can guide you better.
regards,
Quit complaining lady and appreciate the fact that you have got a husband. Some of us don't even have a husband. When his dead, you will have no one to clean after, only then will you realise how much you miss it. I feel sorry for your husband as you seem like a nagging wife. In cae you was not aware, the description of your husband is no different from many other man out there. The grass is not greener on the other side. You have got it easy as some of us women are getting beaten up every day. Some of us women are having to carry a whole sack of 20KG Tolly Boy rice all the way from the grocers back to out 4 storey flats which don't even have lifts. And whats worse, we have to then cook it for the husband who doesn't appreciated it.
Just thank Allah that have a husband, who is still alive and in good health and the two do have some kind of relationship although may not be the most ideal relationship to you. On top of this, when you say he does not appreciate the things you do for him, let me tell you that not all man will tell you "oh, by the way I really appreciate you", uh oh no. But deep down I am sure he does or would most probably have left you at the first signs of nagging.
Now you should say Jazak Allah Khairan and appreciate life be it married or not.
Do not listen to Jenny's angry words, she sounds angry and ignorant. You are not nagging your husband, you sound tired is all. Listen to "Concerned," she is giving sound advice. You should take it easier on yourself - not everything can look perfect all the time!
Assalam o alaikum dear sister,
Its very good that u say thanks to Allah and recognize all the favors that ur husband is doing....My husband is also of that kind but sometimes he appreciates.....I like his words saying that when u cook good I appreciate but I can't appreciate u when u don't cook nice...Similarly he says I will appreciate the clothes u buy, when I like them...but if I appreciate them even if I don't like will be "MUNAFIQAT".:-)
The second think about his work...He is also of that kind that when he goes to washroom and takes bath, he doesn't wipe out...But I think that this is the nature of every man....Girls are always caring...They always like the things to be placed on their right place...but boys are often careless...If Allah didn't keep one thing in the nature of men, how can we change their nature...We can't change it...So my dear sister, baray baray shehron mein choti choti baatain hoti rehti hain...Just focus on his positive aspects, try to ignore his negative aspects...Ok?And stay happy.
take care.