Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband’s lies are mental abuse

Lies, telling lies, lying

Assalamalaikum.

My partner and me were speaking for long before marriage. I thought he was virgin like me. A while after marriage he comes out and says he had previous wives and hid lots of children from me and lied.

I am so upset and mad. I never knew about this or had any clue. I think about every day. I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

We are arguing all the time about it. It is mental and emotional abuse and hurting me. How do I forget this and get over it? I am so hurt.

He still is in contact with his children and ex-wives families and it makes me upset. He still hide things from me and he tell me not my business. I hear one of his ex wives whispering to the kids what to say to him. I think she still loves him. I am so mad. What shall I do?

houlah

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3 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Since his past is still his present, it was wrong of him to hide his ex-wives (plural--red flag!) and children from you. When he disclosed this information to you after marriage, it seems he didn't care much for your feelings and just wanted you to live with it, whether you liked it or not or whether it hurt you or not. Is that true?

    The question becomes, does he care about you and your feelings? Does he know that you are emotionally suffering? Does he acknowledge that this is painful for you and does he validate your feelings?

    If he is willing to work on the marriage to facilitate a healthy relationship - then the both of you need to discuss how this can be done. Perhaps you need a counsellor, perhaps you both need speak (not argue) about what each has to deal with and...go from there.

    However, if he isn't willing to understand or acknowledge how you feel, you need to let your family know and get their input - maybe see a Muslim female counsellor alone - pray Isthikhara. May Allah make this marriage a way of comfort and peace to you, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  2. Salam sister, are you serious? I am actually quite shocked with this mans behaviour, does he think marriage is a joke?!!! He hid the fact he was married multiple times and has multiple children! What!!! If I am shocked and I have nothing to do with this man, I can't even begin to imagine what you must have gone through as his wife. Sister, it's early days, I would suggest think long and hard about whether you would want your marriage to continue with this man. Were your family involved with this marriage at all, have you told them, what do they have to say about it? It could be that this is the only thing he has lied about, but it's a big thing! How devious and sneaky of him. Without trust it's very difficult to maintain a marriage, believe me I know. I had tonnes of arguments in my marriage too because I found out about my husbands lies, and nothing changed, he didn't change, he continued to lie until things got out of hand, in fact he denied about lying! Sorry to say this but your husband sounds very selfish, you had a right to know about his previous wives and children, what's his excuse for lying? I am not really sure what to advise you because only you know him as a person, but don't make the same mistake that I did, if he has so easily lied about something so big, he will continue to convincingly lie about other things, and that's really not the kind of husband you want to be with. Also why has he been married so many times? Has he lied to his previous wives too. My gut instinct is telling me this man is no good, and you should really think seriously about whether you want your marriage with him to continue. If you feel it's the right thing to do then it's better to end the marriage sooner rather than later. Consult with your family, maybe even talk to his ex wives? And perform istikhara, seek guidance from Allah swt. I really hope your able to find a solution and Allah makes your situation easier, ameen.

  3. Asalaam Alaikkum,
    I am a 22year old girl and its been 1 year and 4 months since i and my husband got married.i am already running my 7 month pregnancy.As we live in an islamic country(dubai),most of the porn sites are blocked here.My husband is a frequent youtube user.He even watched videos in youtube from toilet.He is very fond of movies and did not stop him from watching movie videos.But last week i found that my husband use to watch sexy videos of actress and models from youtube and google.i was really shocked.i never expected that this would happen in my life.My younger sister(age 20) was staying with us at that time and i had to tell her abt it.She stopped me from letting my parents know abt it and asked me to give him one chance as he promised me he will never do something like that again.She also asked me not to be stubborn with him and that such incidents have taken place with her friends also who were married,nd they took it very silly.

    But as days are passing i feel disgused and ugly about myself.i feel that i am not attractive towards him anymore.we talked abt this couple of times and he told me that there was not any mistake from my side and also that he was sexually satisfied with me and he finds no reason as to why did that happen.As i checked his mobile again i found that he had deleted youtube from his mobile and told me that he would never watch any videos in youtube again.
    I am scared and worried all time thinking about as to believe him or not.And i cannot find any reason to forgive him too as i always kept him happy and satisfied sexually without doing any haraam deeds.I am so hurt and cannot find any solution to this problem.Please help me deal with this.

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