My husbands marital status with ex wife is eating my brain
Salam Alaikum.
I have posted before about my marriage life, being lied by my husband about his 1st marriage. Unfortunately, my husband and his 1st wife (or ex wife according to him) was not yet legally divorced. I am getting confused of how divorced in Islam. He did 2 talaqs before and his parents and family considered them as divorced couple already, and they allowed us to get married. But when my husband went to jail they start telling me she is his 1st wife. I cannot understand their real status (my husband and his ex/1st wife). Are they divorced or still need the 3rd divorce and court paper?
Second, my husband lied to me since I have written here regarding my problem, my husband made me believed that they were divorced already. Last April he confides to me that he lied and they're not yet divorced. And then after few weeks he told me he was calling her without my knowledge, the worst is how many times I asked him if he's calling her but he always denied and even swear. That day when he confessed about calling her, I feel like my whole world is falling apart, I was so angry, I felt betrayed and I feel like everything he told me was a lie and his love for me was a lie. I start doubting if he really loves me. He told me he kept it from me because he is afraid that I might leave him and because he doesn’t want to hurt me, and he called her, for her not to complain against him. He is in jail and he just want to come out.
Honestly, from that day till now I cannot stop thinking about it, and it makes me cry every night. I always have these thoughts of what if one day he will leave me and tell me he doesn't want me and he want his 1st/ex wife back. Or he really didn’t love me at all and he just married me to make his wife jealous. I am scared to lose my husband. He is my life, his everything to me, I love him deeply and losing him will make me go crazy.
He promised me he will divorce her once he'll be out from jail, and I asked for it. Sometimes I feel like I am selfish and I had wronged myself in front of Allah for asking him to divorce his wife. But according to Sister Layla from my earlier post,”There is no fault on you in this situation. You thought you were marrying a single man, and it was on these grounds that you accepted marriage. You found out that you are married to a married man,” so I’m keeping it in mind this line so will be firmed with my decision.
I don't know how can I trust my husband again, how can I remove the bad thoughts about our marriage and my husband? And always thinking that he's talking to her when his not calling me. I’m really having hard time now, emotionally. Facing so many trials. Husband was in jail for 1 year and 4 months now and Insha’Allah he will be out after Ramadan (but really I don't know when he will be out, Im just trusting Allah. He's the one who knows everything), my husband's 1st/ex wife and their status, my parents marital status is also eating my brain, etc... I’m really lost and feeling down every day, I hardly getting a sleep, losing too much weight, and sometimes missing my prayer.
But now I’m more concern about my relationship with my husband and my relationship to Allah. I feel like I’m loosing both now. I have no one to talk about this things I feel like no one understands me, even my sister she doesn't want to listen and I know I will not get a good advice from her because she's not yet married and still young.
I know the besting thing to do is read Quran and pray, but sometimes I feel like Allah is not answering my prayer. I know I should be ashamed of myself for being like this, just feel like no one in my family will understand me and I have no one to talk about my all about.
Salam...
Leyla Says:
Salaam my Sister,
I am so sad that you are having to go through this. You have been decieved so much, and you have accepted so much that my fear is that you have fallen into a viscous cycle in which you cannot see clearly what is good for you in this situation and what is bad for you in this situation. You are interpreting all of these emotions as love, although this is not love - this is something different to love, thought at the moment, after what you have been through - you cannot see it.
My advice to you is to regain some power in your life and that power comes from being able to be master of your own environment and to know what is in your life and not in your life. At this moment in time you are being kept in ignorance and you are a slave to the information (trustworthy or untrustworthy) information that your husband is giving you. As this is happening, your sense of truth, security, reality and stability depends on what he says. The way to regain this power is to seek out the truth for yourself and learn what it is that you need to know to reach peace.
The way to do this is to seek out the other woman (who is most likely going through the same emotions as you are) and speak to her (peacefully and with good intention) about what is going on and what is happening. Only then will you feel in yourself a release, and a strength to move forward - because you will know he undoubted truth of what is happening, why it is happening and how it is happening.
You must be master of your own sense of reality and you must cultivate the ability to face your fears and seek the truth (whether you like it or dislike it) and plan for yourself what actions you want to take, what words you believe and what promises you accept. Then, your feelings of security and stablity are no longer reliant on the words of another - and you are able to make your own security and peace of mind. You will cease to be dependant on another and you will gain confidence and strength to do the right thing.
Peace,
Leyla, Editor, Islamic Answers
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Leyla Says:
Salaam my Sister,
I am so sad that you are having to go through this. You have been decieved so much, and you have accepted so much that my fear is that you have fallen into a viscous cycle in which you cannot see clearly what is good for you in this situation and what is bad for you in this situation. You are interpreting all of these emotions as love, although this is not love - this is something different to love, thought at the moment, after what you have been through - you cannot see it.
My advice to you is to regain some power in your life and that power comes from being able to be master of your own environment and to know what is in your life and not in your life. At this moment in time you are being kept in ignorance and you are a slave to the information (trustworthy or untrustworthy) information that your husband is giving you. As this is happening, your sense of truth, security, reality and stability depends on what he says. The way to regain this power is to seek out the truth for yourself and learn what it is that you need to know to reach peace.
The way to do this is to seek out the other woman (who is most likely going through the same emotions as you are) and speak to her (peacefully and with good intention) about what is going on and what is happening. Only then will you feel in yourself a release, and a strength to move forward - because you will know he undoubted truth of what is happening, why it is happening and how it is happening.
You must be master of your own sense of reality and you must cultivate the ability to face your fears and seek the truth (whether you like it or dislike it) and plan for yourself what actions you want to take, what words you believe and what promises you accept. Then, your feelings of security and stablity are no longer reliant on the words of another - and you are able to make your own security and peace of mind. You will cease to be dependant on another and you will gain confidence and strength to do the right thing.
Peace,
Leyla, Editor, Islamic Answers
sister, please be carefull, you should not say things like "my husband is my life, my all, my everything"etc.
rather Allaah is your everything, abd the one whoyou love most.
Allaah says that our family relatives are a trail for us.keep that in mind.
Allaah says some people commit shirk in the love of Allaah and they love others like they love him.
but the believers are stronger in their love for Allaah than anything else.
please remember that the love of every single being has a limit, except for the love of Allaah which has no limit.
And also, please dont say things like i far my du'aa is not being answerd because that is what eats up the du'aa itself.
please dont say that again, and if you have thoughts about it, then make isti'aathah [seeking refuge from shaitan]
Allaah ma'ak
salaam sister
i have been in the same boat as you and it very hurtfull and hard to forget but the difrence is im not married but a fiance and found out his alreaddy married it really hurts sister you can always talk to me i can give you email add
allahafis may allah gice you strengh
Salam sister Sara,
Alhamdulilla their is someone I can talk too... Really right now I am depressed and feel like no one understands me even my family. I feel like they starting to not liking my husband with respect with what's Im going through right now. No one wants to listen and give me comfort. I don't have friend anymore since I got married. He doesn't want me to have communication with my old friends because non of them was muslim.
Anyway I'll be glad to have a chat with you and have a new friend in my life. Here's my email add. ***************. Looking forward to hear from you soon.
Thanks and may Allah's blessing be upon you.
(Email address deleted by Editor)
Salam,
Thanks for your comments specially to Sister Leyla. My husband is not allowing me to go outside and meet anyne aside my family. Im getting depressed day by day, my husband din't call me for a month now. And I cannot visit him in jail for some reasons. Im calling in the jail almost everyday to leave a message to call me, but still he didn't call. All his lies is starting to come in my thoughts again and makes me cry each night.
Now my dad is trying to convince me to leave this cuntry and go back in our country. I don't want to just leave m,y husband just because his not calling me. Sometimes I feel like my prayers was never heard. Im getting frustrated with my life now. So many questions that seems like no answer at all.
Please give me a good advise on what shall I do with my life, I feel lost and confused.
Salam.
Salaam My Sister,
I know you are going through tremendous pain right now and it is difficult to see clearly whilst you are in that pain.
Whilst he is in prison you may write him letters (this is how we communicate with people we know who are in prison) - they cannot take phone calls. They may have visitors either every week, or every fortnight (depending on the prison) - and in order to visit - they must send you an invitation so that you may go there. Making phone calls may be difficult which is why most prisoners will write letters.
I think what your father is saying to you is good advice: he can see that you are suffering and that you need a break from all of this and it is not good for you to stay home alone and wait by the phone. I think it would be very good for you to take a break. You can maintain contact with your husband through letters - let him know where you are and how to contact you (by post) and he will be able to write to you whenever he wants to.
If visiting the other woman in person and getting to the bottom of the story is something that is not possible for you alone, then you can go with a family member or you can call her / write to her and speak to her (although in person it is better so that you can see her face and assess her honesty and her emotions).
My sister, please believe me when I say this: it is not the case that love means suffering. The more you invest in your own wellbeing, the better it is for you, your future and your relationships. The best thing that you can do right now is put serious time, care and attention into your mood, your peace of mind, your health: spend lots of time around loving and supportive people and try to distract yourself as much as possible whilst you wait.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salam sisters and brothers,
My husband didn't call me for more than a month now, as I've told earlier his in jail.... I m leaving a message their to call me, one day I was sick all alone at home I called their told them to tell my husband to call mo cause there's an emergency, I had food poisoned from a bread I bought and Im not really feeling well that time. I almost faint because of stomach ache. I was hoping he might call and call her sister to come in my place and bring me some medicine. My intention that time was just to let him know that I am sick, just in case something will happen at least he know. But it's been a 6 days already since that day but he didn't call. It's freaking me out that what if he'll never call or he will just leave me like this. I cannot come to jail due to my visa, he's the one who caused my visa problem.
I know his avoiding me already, I have given him a phone load so he can call me. When I checked the credit for that phone card it was empty already. I really broke my heart, knowing that his use the card to call someone else and he didn't call me even just for 5 min.
Know our own marital status confused me. It's like Im hanging on a thread of hope but there is no assurance. I don't know what will happen next. My life was miserable. I had given up everything, my work, my future, my family almost none was left for me, but to start all over again. And because of my visa problem I might go to jail also.... Sometimes im thinking maybe this is what he wants, for me to know how does it feel to be a prisoner.
I really don't have any idea why he's doing this to me, all I know I just loved. Or maybe Im a bad wife for him and he doesn't deserve a woman like me.
Please pray for me, I just want to hear from him what he really wants. If he wants to end our marriage I will let go, that living a life full of lie.
Thanks and Salam