Husband’s porn habit is killing my confidence
I am in a bit of dilemma regarding my marriage. I have a kind and loving husband who treats me generally very well. He is not steadfast in Al Deen as I would have preferred, however he tries his best to keep up with prayers. He fasts Ramadan and pays his Zakat (Allah w ya3lam at the end). Last year I went on his laptop which at times is used by me when needed. I came across a video and realized it was a porn video.
When my husband gets caught on any matters that carry shame, he has a tendency to dwell or make up things to cover up the truth. When I confronted him, he naturally put on his defense mechanism, but later acknowledged that either way it is wrong to view porn as it is Zina of the eyes. He even 'halaf' (swore an oath on Allah's name) that he won't view porn. I got upset that he used Allah's name so freely, when he did not have the intention to stop and possibly just did so to put my mind at ease.
My husband has led me to have trust issues due to previous incidents in the past. His intentions were not to hurt me, and saw lying or making up things to see me happy would be better than me being hurt. When he married me, I was very trusting and did it blindly. Only once he took advantage of my trusting nature, so that when he hence broke such a trust within me I became more wary.
In time, I got use to his ways of defense and it became predictable when he tries to conceal the obvious. Regarding the porn matter, the doubts just got the better of me and so I placed a screenshot program on his laptop to find out if he is still on such a path. My feeling was right, and he continued to download and watch porn. He did not even delete the previous ones that I had requested then and there. He acted as if he did delete them, and only when it became a big drama I truthfully told him I knew he had a list of them on his external hard drive. He then deleted the saved files on his external hard drive while I was out. I am upset that he is not considering my emotional well being about the matter. I clearly stated it was serious and it is something that disgusts me, period. I told him many times how these issues affect me, and it makes me look at him in a different light – worried I will slowly lose sexual interest towards him.
He was watching porn secretly while I was in the apartment, and never attempted to beat temptation (at least with my presence still there). We sometimes have to live apart for 2 months annually, and so his porn viewing takes place freely in my absence. I feel horrible that I have been put in a position that I had to spy on my husband. The more he puts up a fight and just does not accept that he was not being honest about the obvious and need to work on a solution, the more I have a need to continue monitoring him as he underestimates my conviction. I never was of such a character and spying never entered my thoughts until such turn of event.
Will Allah be displeased with me for spying on my husband? I have been having anxiety about if I am displeasing Allah this way, but at the same time my intention was for the good. It has also put my mind at ease with other doubts, and that I was not the cause and to stop blaming myself for why our marriage is facing trouble. I do not believe there should be any secrets in marriage, unless it is not related to our marriage. My husband told me “whoever taught you how to spy should be ashamed of themselves”. I made it clear that my spying had nothing to do with the joy of spying, but because it was the cause of previous incidents that had caused doubts. It is not in my nature to spy, nor is it in my family.
I am currently overseas and I have left the screenshot program on his laptop. I can see he is still downloading and viewing porn every second night or on the weekend. The viewing usually goes for less than 20 min. Obviously my request was not respected, nor do I think he cared about it. While abroad, I sent a text telling him that if he "continues to watch porn, Allah may not reunite us.” He took it lightly it seems, either that or he sees it as harmless without my knowledge. Porn viewing in a marriage becomes a relationship issue, because I want our life to get better through pleasing Allah. We are in it together, so whatever affects him affects me, and vice versa.
He has ongoing health issues, works in an environment that he hates, is struggling to find another job, and other issues regarding his family. All this has affected him and brought on health concerns which has led him to struggle to find energy or the need to make love with me. We have been married for 4 years and we don’t have children, yet we are still in hope of conceiving our first child as the fertility investigation stated we are both fertile. He would watch porn secretly, but love making with me comes across like a chore. I even asked him if he found me still attractive, or if he wanted me to do specific things. He swore he is in love with me and very much attracted to me. Generally all his other actions show his love towards me.
I do not know what to do anymore. When I see these porn actors, especially the females, it makes me feel unattractive and look at myself in a different light. I have cried countless of times that his eyes would only be for me, but he sees other naked women and I just cannot accept that. I am deeply disturbed by it. As a human, I will naturally feel jealous and if roles were reversed he would most likely take the matter much worse- especially if I did not accept his request the first time around. I have come to a point where I am starting to take comfort in other men giving me their compliments or attention, but I believe this sort of need is due to my unfulfilled request that has sparked an insecurity within myself. I am stressed about his nature towards certain matters, doubts, minimal sex in the marriage for the past year, and basically not being content with my marriage overall until now. I fear Allah and despite other men giving me their attention, I would never look at them in a sexual manner, cheat or give into temptation - Alhamdillilah.
I accept and understand that my husband is sick and sexually won’t be able to perform as before for a period of time; however it does not mean that porn is the answer. His libido has been at an all time low for the past year. I have been patient, as him being sick all the time does not have a positive effect on our marriage, but at the very least he could give me recognition in return for my patient by fulfilling my request regarding the porn. Also, he should do it for the sake of Allah so Allah can help him overcome the difficulty in his life. I feel that Allah is not blessing him due to his actions and my constant disapproval of what he is doing. I tried to be as understanding as possible, pray and hint it to him in a natural way.
I pray for Allah to forgive me as it is one struggle that I thought I would never go through. I ask Allah to forgive him and for placing me in such an awkward position. He has placed me in many emotional battles in the past due to issues from his side which we have overcome and some we learnt to accept, but this particular issue is one that just keeps getting worse the more he sticks with it.
I cannot speak to friends or family as it is embarrassing, and I want them to see him in the best of character. It is not the actual 'porn' itself that I would leave my husband for, it is the fear of feeling inadequate and the loss of sexual attraction towards him because of it. I am sensitive and can take things deeply into my heart, which is affecting me psychologically. It is making me think whether it is worth putting the effort into the marriage, but carrying such burden within me is making the effort a struggle. I want to help him, but he cannot seem to grasp how this is affecting me. I have sent him large emails, seeing talking face to face did not help. It’s as if there is a woman named ‘pornography’, and I am asking him to choose one of us.
Thank you for your patience, I would much appreciate your thoughts and advice.
-Ally
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OP "When I see these porn actors, especially the females, it makes me feel unattractive and look at myself in a different light."
I guess looking at male actors does not bother you as much.
Don't compare yourself to porn actors. Stop spying on your husband. Your husband may be trying to spark up his libido by watching porn.
What is the sickness that is affecting his sexual performance? .
You have started to take comfort in other men giving you compliments or attention.
You need to work on your insecurity about your own body. You both need to see a therapist, your husband for his low libido and you for body insecurity.
@SVS " Your husband may be trying to spark up his libido by watching porn." really?????are you serious??watching porn is HARAM astakhfurillah!!!!
Sister your husband doesnt respect you, he lies to you and doesnt keep his promise, thats not a muslim husband should be! I personally wouldnt inshAllah never tolerate this kind of man, its absolutely disgusting.
Alhamdulillah there are still real man out there! Do not try to get pregnant with him as your marriage is unfunktional. If you still want to "save" your marriage , try counseling(thats only if he admits he has a huge problem) , talk to him ,tell him its his last chance and if he still doesnt change then is up to you what you want to do, but before doing anything do istikhara and ask Allah swt for guidance!
Your husband may be trying to spark up his libido by watching porn." really?????
Sexuality can be influenced by mind in a big way. People get turned on in different ways. Some women just get attracted to women only, some men are attaracted to men only, some people are bisexuals, some people are attracted to young kids.
I have seen few questions on this forum where people have claimed they feel powerless and watch porn to stimulate themselves and end up masturbating.
One big reason OP is bothered by porn is porn actresses make her feel inferior about her body.
Stress can interfere in sexual function in men and women both in a big way. Making a big issue of this porn is not going to help with libido issue.
So you are saying that watching porn is not a big deal and that it is alright for men to use it to get charged up? This is very offensive non-Islamic advice.
@SVS wooooww you seriously think is normal to watch porn??????and she should be ok with it and just move on?!
If it is not a big deal why did ALLAH swt make it haram????? Its HARAM to watch porn.period!
Mus!limgirl: @SVS wooooww you seriously think is normal to watch porn??????and she should be ok with it and just move on?
Don't get me wrong. I only said husband may be watching porn to stimulate himself and solve his performance problem.
Internet research has shown porn watching is rampant in some Muslim countries. I guess some people watch it to stimulate themselves.
SVS, what is the purpose of marriage if my husband then only gets sexual gratification from porn and not his spouse who is halal for him? This is then a selfish act and one should not consider marriage as you are dragging your partner in that mess. I am a realistic person and so even if we all get sexually stimulated in a different way, we act upon what is halal and haram. If you are wanting to please Allah, you struggle to attain such so you can receive blessings.The actresses make me feel inferior obviously as they have my husbands attention and putting strain on our marriage. "Making a big issue of this porn is not going to help with libido issue". So are you suggesting I just sit back and accept it and have a sexless marriage? It is clearly a big issue and yes something has triggered it. Coming from a husband who could not keep his hands of me to an extreme of not even able to preform is very concerning. Therefore porn has taken over as a quick substitute. I wish I was the issue so I could put a solution however he has made that firmly clear I am not the issue as I am constantly trying to strive to make him happy. We might then have to seek professional help to get to the bottom of it. My husband is the jealous type. I have always been confident in myself and rarely got jealous of other women. The fact that this has affected me being the strong person that I was, shows a big concern. For me jealousy is a waste of energy but respect is vital in marriage.
Dear sister ,
It is good to know that you are following the Islamic path during this difficult time .Allah will bless you for your patience .
PORN is big HARAM and viewing it can not be justified in any circumstances
As he seems to be PORN addict you need to force him to visit some professional therapist to come out of this habit .Be strong and if he makes drama let him make it .
As long as you are in the straight path no need to worry about those dramas ......
There is no point in marriage where you can't find Halal SEX due to this issue .
Be clear to him and if he don't change himself over a period of time then take a CALL .
Some suggestions :
Do you know what he likes the most like Sports , Politics ,gadgets ..Ask him to divert his mind to some of his interesting topic in net when he feel urges to look at porn .
He can spend lot of time watching lot of interesting clips like Football World cup or Cricket World cup classic and thrilling matches .. He can subscribe to some of blogs and do lot of writing if he likes that .
There are lot of interesting and good stuff in the net where he can spend lot of time ...
Thanks,
-Brother
Assalam alaikum Br. Cool,
Your wrote:
Her husband has an addiction and he would rather watch porn than have REAL intimate relations with his wife - do you really think that sports/politics/gadgets is going to compete with his urges and desires (which he satisfies ONLY with porn) when he prefers this addiction over being with his wife?? The OP's husband needs professional help.
ALLY, what is the purpose of marriage if my husband then only gets sexual gratification from porn and not his spouse who is halal for him? This is then a selfish act...... so even if we all get sexually stimulated in a different way..........The actresses make me feel inferior obviously as they have my husbands attention and putting strain on our marriage. So are you suggesting I just sit back and accept it and have a sexless marriage?
Being a man I see things little differently. It is possible your husband learned to get sexual gratification from porn long before he got married. A few questions posted on this website have mentioned people using porn to stimulate themselves and end up masturbating. May be your husband did that too and is trying to get his system back in working condition.
I think most men would go for a woman if they have choice of available woman and porn.
Have you ever talked to him about lack of sexual acitivity or suggested going for therapy? In no way I am saying you should accept sexless marriage.
Your husbands needs to get a thorough medical check up to rule out any medical problem. Need to see a doctor. Some prescription drugs influence sexual performance. Stress can play a big role.
Some people get helped with Viagra or injections directly into......... . May be pscycho therapy can help.
I sincerely thank all those from the bottom of my heart who gave me constructive advice. May Allah all reward you. For those who assume I allow other men to interfere, please read the source carefully. I do not allow any man to interfere in my marriage that way. Most who I assume are men, have taken just that part from my post literally and left the other part out. The type of compliments that I get is a normal part of social behavior at work, but it does not mean I will ever act upon it nor sin. I take comfort in the compliments not the men themselves who give it to me. I fear Allah and would never go to the extent of looking at them sexually all because of a compliment. It is not in my character to cheat nor watch pornography to meet my satisfaction. I love my husband and hence this ongoing battle is an issue.
This issue that has been going on for more than a year and while I was at home. I have done everything to initiate intimacy with him and he is unable too. He even stated that the issue is not me as all other acts of love is shown through his treatment towards me. If I were the issue then at least it would give me that peace of mind to work on myself. There is no point if he is watching porn to “spark up” his libido when he has no energy to be intimate with me. It has become a sickness which does not allow him to be able to perform. I am looking for sincere advice and first and foremost PORN is a sin. Yes in my eyes he is cheating if he goes, fantasizing and masturbating towards other women visually. It is not the same as cheating on me with another women however they are both wrong and porn should not be justified as the better choice seeing he is still getting sexual gratification from another source apart from his wife. If I were to do that and view other men in such a light, it would break his spirit as he is the very jealous type and ha the tendency to make a drama out of it. There should not be any hypocrisy in marriage. Marriage is a joint partnership -two peoples feelings involved. Whatever affects him will affect me and vise-versa. What treatment you expect for yourself by your spouse is the same concept that your spouse expects.
I had always been the opposite and do not possess jealous tendencies and very trusting. Only until this issue kept dragging that it is on the basis of respect. I was never an insecure woman, but if one is living with a spouse and a sexless marriage, there is no point of being married. Yes I have developed and insecurity through the means of my husband’s porn habit. I am insecure about my marriage due to this problem and it is something not to be taken lightly by those who read my post. My husband has admitted that his porn habit is due to his insecurity and not feeling healthy or attractive as he once felt. Even if had a moment of weakness and I spied on my husband (for legit reasons), it is not justifiable that it is ok then for my husband to continue on in such a path. There was obviously a huge sign that my husband stopped being intimate with me and I had to get to the bottom of it. I am trying to work on this problem and I have big hope that Allah will get us through this. Please all, keep me in your du3a’s.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I feel bad reading these comments and seeing that you have to justify your stance. Although I have no advice to offer in this situation, I am sure that many of us out there, even if we do not comment, completely understand what you are saying. Viewing porn is against our deen and is something abnormal for one to engage in. Insha'Allah you will be able to talk to your husband and reach an understanding about this issue.
Dear Sister Ally,
Assalam alaikum,
I would not waste time trying to justify yourself because if people read a single line in your entire post and take it out of context, that is more their own problem, than yours.
Sister, get counselling - I hope your husband agrees. It sounds like yous husband does love you and you obviously love him, but he is truly suffering from an addiction. I believe that professional counselling is a must.
May Allah ease both your difficulties and improve your relationship many-fold! Ameen.
I agree with you that he is trying to charge up watching porn. I don't think this should be such an important issue in marriage life. She feels comfort in the attention and compliments by other men. She can't justify it by no means. The truth is she too has a weak heart. If other men compliment you means you are giving them space in your life. If him watching images of women(virtual) troubles you, what about real men taking liberty to compliment you? My humble opinion is we always find fault in others. We never look into our own faults.
While there's debate about the acceptability of masturbation, the general consensus on pornography is pretty clear - it's not acceptable, its haram. She says she feels comfort in the attention and compliments by other men basically because she is not being content with her marriage overall until now. And she fears Allah and despite other men giving her their attention, she would never look at them in a sexual manner, cheat or give into temptation. She can't be blamed, the fault lies with her husband's behaviour , he has opened a door for the Shaytan to play havoc in their married life and things would get worse if he is not stopped soon.
Sister Ally, put your foot down and confront your hubby today, dispose off the laptop, shut down the door to the source of sin, give it to someone or throw it in the trash bag, if you don't take immediate action, then your marriage is doomed, infact many marriages nowadays are ending in divorce because of husbands compulsive porn watching habits.
Don't think of divorce or marrying another guy as there is no guarantee that the next man will not have the same bad habit, as porn has become a epidemic in Muslim population these days.
@SVS and Usman : The lady is justifiably upset about her husband's bad habits, any sane Muslim woman would be.I mean, you really expect a woman to walk in on her husband watching this and be like 'Oh it's totally fine dear..carry on.'?Meaning no disrespect, but how would you feel if you caught your wife doing the same thing, inorder to 'spark up her libido' or whatsoever reason?Does this mean you would be ok with it?You choose instead to focus on a chance remark the lady said about finding comfort in other men complimenting her, which seems to me to be quite a defense reflex.As in watching porn is ok and your partner's lack of self esteem as a result is not?Interesting.
@OP : Sis, there is no need to feel bad over your constant disapproval of your husband's habit, it is very natural for any spouse in such a situation.If I were you,I'd play it cool and yet be candid at the same time.Sit him down, and have a heart to heart talk with him yet again face to face.Tell him calmly that you are aware of all his activities and it is slowly killing your love and respect for him, as well as poisoning your marriage.Ask him (without getting angry) to give you an insight on what makes him do this, and ask him if he wants to stop.Tell him that as your wife, you will stand by him in sickness and in health, and do your best to help him overcome this habit, if he only meets you half way.But make it crystal clear that he has to try and overcome this habit, or your marriage is at risk, and no way will you accept this from him, or take it passively.Hopefully Insha'Allah he will come around, because he would be very foolish to leave a good woman just for the sake of a bad habit.
Mystic: Meaning no disrespect, but how would you feel if you caught your wife doing the same thing, inorder to 'spark up her libido' or whatsoever reason?Does this mean you would be ok with it?
If a woman has sex phobia or Vaginismus, where she has a big fear of doing it, this may be recommended as a treatment.
Husband in this case has performance problems. Looking at stimulating material can be recommended as a treatment.
I am not saying watching porn is normal and should be encouraged.
Every couple should get sex education classes. Many women suffer from low self esteem thinking that it could be due to them. Some women think watching porn is a substitute for sex. A man suffers low self esteen if he fails to perform.
There is information on Internet that may help couples going thru this performance thing, but since it is haram to look at or read about sex they can't do it.
Porn is not a substitute for sex.
A woman is least likely responsible for her partner's performance problem.
Only Allah knows but as far my guess by your comment sounds like you are revert muslim? Sorry if I am wrong but your comments sounds like that , your comments is not related with islamic advice it's just casual talk which is good we are not scholar but sometimes we should respect the person who is asking for advice in islamic manner. I am sure you will quote my sentence and you will reply me but before you reply just look at your comments you just advices to this sister.
May Allah forgive us and save us from evils things.
You are giving incorrect advise. Its a sin and a sin no matter what.
@op. sister is your husband health problem due to watching pornography.
You are truly in my duas, i feel your pain sis. Dont ever feel its your fault. Or it is related to you even if your husband ever does blame you, eventually he will say the truth. Its actually because he is addicted. Dont feel low or lose confidence. Try to speak to him and lend your hand out to help him.
I went through the same as you, and still wonder if it will happen again.
My husband used to blame me first when he used to get caught, eventually he used to open up and say its become a habit. He needs help to change. My husband has health problems too and the only thing i can relate it too is because of this addiction as he doesnt have any internal problems. Please get back to usn
a. your husband watches porn.
b. you don't like it but
c. you let it continue to the point you let the porn actresses make you feel bad?
d. decide what you are going to do once you stop making excuses for him
e. if you can
Dear sister ,
Both of you seems to have a problems .Husband with Porn habits and Wife blaming her husband's action for accepting other men's compliments about her .She too giving space for other men to enter her life indirectly .
I suggest you both to go for some therapist .Also you both needs to get involved with Deeni activities .Have a good ,deeni social circle and get busy in life so that you don't find a time to do all these HARAM things ...
But if you are working couple i know it is difficult to get time but you need to find ways to come out of life ...
Both of you need to analyze your life and see what is the problem which is taking you to this Haram path ...
Working women normally don't realize that accepting compliments about her dress,beauty from her male colleagues also haram things ...
Read carefully,
You are too over protective might be possible. There is a psychological problem with your husband. And you need to find a female psychologists and let her come to your home if possible and then arrange a meeting without letting your husband know that she is a psychologist. And make sure you will be there during the meeting. And introduce her (the female psychologist) as your friend. Please don't tell your husband that she is a psychologist.
The more you spy on your husband the more your relation will come to an end. It seems that your husband heart is almost blackened (ina lilla he waina elahe rajeoun), because what he is doing is actually affecting his heart in the long run. Doing sex with you and then watching too much porn is making him sick (mentally). You should be enough for him as a wife. And there is no need to watch porn after having sexual intercourse with you (Islamic point of view). And I will not quote the supporting hadith here. If this habit of him continues he might look for alternate options. Because he has already taken Oath in the name of Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). And after that he watched porn that made his heart blackened. And if this thing continues there is a big danger coming on his way. Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) Forbade Amen!
The psychologist will analyze insha'Allaah and let you know what is causing him to watch porn again and again.
Allaah Knows the Best!
Salaams,
An ethical mental health provider (psychologist, master's level licensed therapist, psychiatrist etc) would never agree to the type of meeting you suggested. They would not agree to pose as a "friend" and be involved in deceiving your husband into getting treatment unknowingly. Any therapist worth their salt will tell her that therapy will only be effective if the patient/consumer/client is truly seeking help on their own volition- not under coercion or deceit.
Sister, the effects of his porn viewing -namely you feeling inadequate, unattractive, and insecure- is a typical result of living with a man who has a porn addiction. There's no way to compete with the women in the videos, but as a wife your natural desire is to be the one he is wanting. A lot of people give advice that you should try to "one up" them by making yourself more attractive or dressing better, even being more "pleasing" to him with submissive character. All these things are well and fine in a general sense, but when you're dealing with a porn addict those efforts will NEVER be enough to make you trump the payoff he's getting watching porn.
There are two problems here: one you can solve, the other is out of your control. The second problem is your husband's porn watching. If he is unable or unwilling to give it up at your request, then he probably isn't wanting to change or feels powerless to change. Only a therapist who specializes in addictive behavior can help you determine which is the case, because people with addictions tend to con others (and themselves) into thinking that they will change or want to change, and give all kinds of promises to this effect, but in reality there is no true intention to do the hard work that would be needed to overcome such a habit. Usually there is no future with someone who winds up in that category.
If your husband really does want to change and save his marriage, he is not going to be able to do it alone. He will need professional help with this. Like I said, you will not be able to solve his problem- only he can. You will not be able to make him WANT to solve it any more than he does from his heart. You have to put it on the table, and then see what he does with it. Tell him you want him to get help and go to counseling with you about this, and see what he does with that. If he refuses, that's a big indicator that you probably won't see things change from his end.
So that leaves you with the problem you can solve, which is the damage done on your self esteem. You can rebuild that, and you can become secure and confident again, but likewise you won't be able to do it alone. You will need to find a therapist who can help you clear the pain that has occured from these experiences, and help you find your value apart from being a sex object to your husband (or any other man, for that matter).It's very likely that the best success of you healing these wounds will be if you are not continuing to go through the problems that are causing it, so the therapist may suggest you separate from your husband while you're working with her. If it looks like he's not going to change, you may even need to consider a divorce to save your sanity. We need to know where to invest our heart and soul- and sometimes it can be better to stop investing in a marriage that is going nowhere and start investing into your emotional/psychological wellbeing.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
masha'Allaah! I do agree to some extent!
And I must say well answered.
Allaah Knows the Best!
Assalam alaikum Br.
On one hand you say that:
and on the other you say:
I believe that spying on her husband would be one in the same as secretly having a psychologist evaluate him.
I do agree with Sister Amy's advice.
Of course alhumdulillah! I know that!
Allaah Knows the Best!
Walaikumusalam!
Assalaamualaikam
I would imagine that pornographic videos would be quite similar in production terms to most other forms of video, which would mean that the actors and actresses will be heavily made up and edited - they won't look like that in real life. The beauty you have is far more precious than any that can be achieved through make-up and body-doubles - you are a Muslimah, and you have an inner beauty that will shine through because of that. It may be that porn seems easier for your husband when he is unwell, because it is very one-way - the video/picture makes him feel nice for a short time and he doesn't have to worry about reciprocating it, as he can just turn the video off.
I think you and your husband might benefit from marriage counselling - there seem to be quite a few issues to do with trust and respect, and sometimes it can be easier to address these with the help of a professional. Your local mosque may be able to give you information about Islamic marriage counselling services, or you could speak to your GP/family doctor and ask them for local counsellors?
Your husband could also ask your doctor for medical advice regarding his health problems. Without knowing the specifics, it's not possible for us to give advice about this online (and online medical advice shouldn't be followed without checking things out in real life, anyway), but it may be possible for your husband to improve his health.
To protect yourself, though, I'd strongly suggest that you stop monitoring his online activities - watching someone you love do things you don't like can be very upsetting, and it's important not to let this monitoring become an obsession. Pray for Allah to guide you and your husband through this difficult time, and trust in His wisdom and love for us all.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Sister Ally,
I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this rough time. May Allah increase pure love between the both of you and put mercy in your hearts for each other, Ameen.
Sister, your husband seriously needs help. For some reason, he has become way to comfortable with this behaviour. Now that you have confronted him and he knows that you have been watching him and some of the things are in the open - it is time to really look at the intention in all this. I really do believe that you did all this to know the truth and because you love him. He says he loves you too. The both of you don't have children as of yet, and if you are together, you wouldn't be doing it for the sake of any children--I really think the both of you should give your marriage a chance, but the problem I see is that he doesn't really see it as an issue.
I second the opinion that you should try marriage counselling. Hopefully he agrees. Pornography is wrong on so many levels--not just religious. There isn't zero respect for a woman in a porn movie, but rather negative respect. Never compare yourself to those women. In many circumstances, what those women endure and go through isn't bearable to listen to. You can approach your husband just by talking about respect of women and in what light does he want to see the women of his household - because what you want for yourself, is what you should desire for another.
Tell your husband you want to save your marriage and what you want from it. Tell him that you are not interested in blaming him and fighting about what prompted you to spy, but rather you want a solution now. We really aren't here just for this world, are we? Who would want a loved one going down this path? I am sure no one would. If he truly wants what you want. you both can take the next step to save this marriage, but he may just need time right now to think about where this has brought him in life. The question ultimately becomes, is this the marriage that you and him wanted all of your lives and he truthfully can't say yes (nor you). I hope that both of you can begin healing this marriage and making it into the relationship that both of your yearn for.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
OP: "It is not the actual 'porn' itself that I would leave my husband for, it is the fear of feeling inadequate and the loss of sexual attraction towards him because of it"............ "When I see these porn actors, especially the females, it makes me feel unattractive and look at myself in a different light."
Compare yourself to regular women. Go sit in the mall and watch people. How did you come to the conclusion porn actresses are more attarctive then you without watching porn?
It is natural for a woman to feel attractive when her husband is inclined towards her. She doesn't have to actually physically compare herself to a porn actress to feel less attractive--it is enough that she feels rejected by her husband.
What I get from OP is that her husband has performance problem. I don't think he is puposefully avoiding having intimacy with her. I don't think he is rejecting her.
OP has not mentioned if it happened slowly or all of sudden. Has he been more or less like that since he married her? Intimacy level goes down among many couples over the years.
Has her huband been looking at porn even before he married her?
Assalamoalikum Saba ,
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Re:Her husband has an addiction and he would rather watch porn than have REAL intimate relations with his wife - do you really think that sports/politics/gadgets is going to compete with his urges and desires (which he satisfies ONLY with porn) when he prefers this addiction over being with his wife?? The OP's husband needs professional help.
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I agree he needs professional help as he seems to be hard core porn addict .
What I wanted to convey is some strategy to avoid porn or other bad stuff and this might work with some people .
Some of my points (may not work on everyone)
1)Discover your self .Identify what is your interested area/topics.
2)Which are the things which will excite you in life like your favorite Cricket/football team's victory ,Classic football Goals ,Promotion in your job ,new technology ,new mobile applications , new experiments with new mobiles ,Going for Long drives ,programming new applications,History etc etc ....I think every person has some thing or other which excites him and he can spend hours together on those ....
A good looking and attractive women always brings excitement in men's life but it is HARAM to look at non mehram women her or watch semi naked family programs in TV so better you shift your focus towards other excitement area which is HALAL .
too much porn will lead him to erection problems.
the only way to destroy porn thoughts are by listening to different Surahs of Quran.
you got big problem there. tell him its haram it's disgusting hateful. also the serious thing is that his sprightly is damaging the more he is watch the more is damaging. also it will effect his mind in very serious way. you need to help to get out of this. no u can not stay away from him. as you can see what is happening. you need to stay with him. and help him to get out of this, stay with him full feel his need every day if he desire. then insALLAH you will see he is changing. 2nd think you need to do is. talk to Him. say to him nicely that ALLAH does not like these kind of stuff. so tell him doesn't he want to do what ALLAH likes us to do. say to him zina is a very big sin. lastly get him connected to good Muslim man tell him to make new friend who are in the deen so they will insALLAH help him and advice him to do good. also he need to do tawba otherwise ALLAH will punish him tell him does he want to be punished by ALLAH, i hope no. He need to do a tawba from bottom of his heart and you stay with him help him insALLAH he will change. tell him what is it wrath watching this rubbish stuff it's just making his heart daker and daker. His married ALLAHhamdulila. he shouldn't be doing these stuff. he needs your help alot. I hope if you help him and make dua for him he will change.
may ALLAH forgive and have mercy on all of us AMIN!!!
I have come to know that my husband watching porns with his cusions in these sacred nights of Ramadan.i m v.upset.we r married for 13yrs with 4children.he also doesnt intimate with me from last 1yr.his behaivour with me Is always tight.he takes care the financial needs of our kids but I m not burden on him financially.he doesnt respect me.he always humiliate me.my marriage is on nick point.i m maoofed totally.plz help me.
mesree, please register and submit your question as a separate post. Or you can simply read the advice given to others, for example the comments on this post and other similar posts.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
mesree: I have come to know that my husband watching porns with his cusions in these sacred nights of Ramadan.i m v.upset.we r married for 13yrs with 4children.
Your problem seem to be quite similar to OP who says
"he also doesnt intimate with me from last 1yr.This issue that has been going on for more than a year and while I was at home. I have done everything to initiate intimacy with him and he is unable too. He even stated that the issue is not me as all other acts of love is shown through his treatment towards me. If I were the issue then at least it would give me that peace of mind to work on myself. There is no point if he is watching porn to “spark up” his libido when he has no energy to be intimate with me"
Have you talked to your husband why he is avoiding intimacy with you and watching porn?
These things have little to do with you. You have 4 children, it may not be easy for you to find another husband. You and your husband should see a doctor regarding lack of intimacy and any possible treatment.
You husband should not humiliate you.
Ally is the prblm solved? i think imight be able to help. i knw cuz i think i have recovered.
Sister, salams. I'm curious since this post how have you been getting on? I'm in a very similar situation and just do not know what to do. But pray we both as strong women can make it through this inshallah.
In sha Allah sister May Allah change your situation for the better and ease your pain and bring love between you and your husband again. May Allah open your husbands eyes to allow him to see and understand just how wrong his actions are and the negative impact it is having on you and also how his actions negatively effect the ummah by supporting the porn industry. In sha Allah once your husban realising this, May Allah replace his evil actions with positive productive actions and safeguard you both to became productive Muslims in order to help strengthen the ummah. Ameen
Love from you Muslim sister in Islam