Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve accepted Islam and now my sins are clear to me I want to change

Repentance, woman praying

"And others have confessed their faults, they have mingled a good deed and an evil one; (perhaps) Allah will turn to them (mercifully); surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful." Sura 9: 102 to 106

I find myself  crying over this issue and need help.

I recently accepted Islam into my heart after learning more about it from my boyfriend. He is a born Muslim. Before I converted we did things (non physical) that were haraam, and now we want to get married.

He lives quite far from me and because of the fact that we're young and still in college living with our parents with no money, I know marriage can't happen right now. We are truely in love and we help one another with becoming better Muslims.

The thing is i want to change and not do things that are haraam and neither does he. But if we stay together without being married I feel like we're still sinning. And when we do get married it wouldnt be halal..WOULD IT?? If we got engaged would it help?

I don't know what to do because i feel "dirty", and I dont want to make him "dirty" too.

- lost_found2010

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    Terrific news that you have embraced the correct faith, the only faith which will find you success in the afterlife. May your journy through life be a happy, prosperous and very good one.

    Islam does not allow the free mixing of adult males and adult females under any circumstances, although you were unaware of this, your bf should have known better.

    It's quite a predicament, a person has embraced Islam, but it was through a process which is prohibited by Islam.

    Now all of your sins will be forgiven, the moment you embrace Islam your past is wiped out, you're as pure as the day you left your mother.

    So now you have to do what is correct Islamically, that is you need to not socialise with any males, especially this young man. If you find him to be a good man, a potential life partner, then Allah knows best and you should be with him. But do it the correct way, through your parents. That will bring another problem altogether, are your parents followers of other religions? If so then you may find it difficult to convince them.

    If they refuse to allow you to marry a Muslim man, which you must when the time is right, then you must use an Imam are your guardian and protector and through him look for a Muslim husband.

    Please ensure now that you have embraced Islam you do not allow your faith to weaken, if you have any question please do ask people.

    May Allah guide you through this difficult and confusing time and may Allah strengthen your Imaan.

  2. Assalamu'alaikum, Sister,

    We welcome you with open arms. It is a great feeling knowing that all of your sins have been wiped away. I know this because I reverted many years ago. What a great feeling!!!!!

    Mohammed, you gave a great answer. There is not much more that I can add. Now that you have accepted Islam as your deen I would suggest that you learn as much about this wonderful religion as possible. Go to the masjid and find a sister who can answer questions. Then you should teach this young man about his religion. Mohammad said earlier, your friend should have known better.

    Since you are not planning to get married right away, I would use this time to educate yourself about Islam. Learn how to pray and what the basics of the religion are. At some point you may think about marriage so it is very important that you know your rights as a wife. You should also know what his rights are as a husband. There are some men who take advantage of the fact that so many women don't know their religion or what is expected of them as a wife. Educate yourself as much as possible and then you can never be taken advantage of.

    So my suggestion is to learn as much as possible. Teach the young man about the religion because he needs help too. Don't worry yourself about your past because Allah has already forgiven you and wiped the slate clean. Look to the future and continue to ask Allah for guidance.

    I hope this helped. Please continue to ask questions. People on this site are here to help.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  3. Hello dear,

    I am in much the same situation as you, although I haven't reverted yet. I am seriously considering it though, and not for my Muslim man but because I have been studying and feel it could be right. Now, I haven't met my boyfriend in person yet, we met on the internet when he was in a time of emotional and religious distress and I unknowingly helped him and am continuing to help him follow the right path. I am learning as much as I can about Islam, and encourage him to not break any of the rules like he was when we met. I can't however tell him we shouldn't be 'dating' because I love him too much. Just getting to talk to him, about my questions about Islam or about how his day went, is what makes my life here in the states continue, as I was in a hard spot when I met him as well.

    We haven't even met in person yet, but we have seriously discussed marriage. At first one would think it was because we both just want to have sex, but he is a devout Muslim man and has never known the touch of a woman, whereas I growing up in the slums of Las Vegas have had premarital sex too many times to count, and yet it was me who pushed that we follow the rules and wait until marriage to make that step after we meet. He loves that I want him to be a better Muslim and is most appreciative of my support that he start praying again, and that he do everything that I am beginning to see as the way things should be done. I in fact feel insanely guilty now about the fact that I am not virginally pure for him, and about many other things concerning myself. Also, meeting on the net during a time of his religious relapse, we have done things sexual in the cyber world and I feel guilty about that too. I want to tell him we shouldn't anymore, and we have really came to a stop without discussing why, but it does still occasionally happen.

    Basically my point is no matter how hard I try to obey and help him obey the rules, I simply can't bring myself to follow everything, and it's because of that that I can't consider fully accepting Islam because don't want to be what he calls a 'bad Muslim' by not turning him away like your two other commenters suggested. I am pretty certain we will marry just about as soon as we can, and there are many problems involving visas and licenses and crap that I won't get into, but I can't even imagine my day without seeing his face on my cam and without it how would I be able to make the steps I need to make to get to his country to meet and decide if marriage is the right course?

    I don't have much advice to loan you other than consolation that there are girls out there in similar situations, and I, being a non-Muslim for the time being, can say I do agree that if your marriage was meant to be with the man you love then Allah will lead you in the correct path as he will do with me I hope since I haven't accepted to be in his servitude yet. Please keep me updated on your situation if you would like someone to relate to to talk to (I know I would love that), and give me any advice that you receive on the subject that helps you. Hope everything works out in your favor!


  4. Salams everyone Thank you you all for your advice and kind words. I posted this question a while back and alot has happen since then. Ive since become more knowledgeable about Islam, and have tried to share this know;edge with the young man. I still email him occasionally but we dont have a relationship like we use to. Since then he has become a better muslim Alhumdulilah, we are very strict on what we talk about. And i have asked Allah (swt) for forgiveness for my past mistakes. I have asked him for marriage after seeing how much he has changed, and he has accepted, i am getting counseling on this matter from a Imam in my community, Insha Allah we can get married the correct way,

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