Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am 16, Muslim, and serious about marriage but I need advice on how to act

16, in love and desiring marriage


I am 16, and have just recently finished my GCSE's. I am well educated and I hope that I get my results, so that I have a future in medicine.

A couple of months ago, I began a relationship with a Muslim girl from my school. We had to hide this from both families, and I think that it was the guilt and respect that made her (and then me)realize how wrong we were in our desires. After weeks of heartbreak, I told her, promised her after weeks of thinking that I would not give up on her, and I will wait as long as it takes to consummate our hearts in the right way.

I will admit that at first my affections may have been a partial result of lust, and sexual desire but I have come to realize that intimacy is something that should be shared by husband and wife in long term commitment. I want her to be happy, and we both love each other more than anything, and I accept that it is bad on our parts to in keep each others company,  but in a Westernised-liberal place it is the norm.

I asked her, as a Muslim man to to a Muslim Women to marry me, when the time is right, to stay true to each other and wait for the right time to be with each other. She accepted but we have no choice but to wait several years (until 18) to ensure that our families will adapt to this, as we are of different cultures. I want re-assurance or advice on whether my decisions and dua will be accepted or are right.

I understand that at such a young age, leng term - serious commitments are doubted,  but in Islam marriage is permissible after puberty. Will it be advisable to take this literally? I love this Muslim girl with all my heart, I wish to see her grow old with me, but in the correct Islamic way, without sin. I suggested that we get married by Islamic law (Nikah I beleive) and we live on with our normal lives until we can live together, but we don't want to perform such a life-changing act behind our families backs.

Thank you, (T)

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam my brother,

    It is very decent of you to want to do right by this girl and do things properly and in the Islamic manner. It would be a shame for you to ruin your good record with her and her family to date by trying to pursue a secret marriage.

    Getting married is a healthy goal mashAllah, yet you must seek out the long term goal of having a good marriage, rather than the short term goal of getting married.

    There are many reasons why the parents would wish to delay this. You need many things to sustain a marriage, one of which is a steady income, a working life, some kind of sustenance, somewhere to live: many things. She may get pregnant very soon after marriage and you may have a child to look after. At this moment in time you have school and exams and you are still dependent on your parents, you seek to study medicine and go to university and so it is probably unwise to rush into marriage at this stage in your life, even though it is permissible.

    I would advise patience on this issue, and to maintain good relations between your families until you are a bit older and financially independent. If you can do that, then not only will you gain a wife, but you will gain her with blessings and goodness between the families which is a great accomplishment indeed. 18 years of age is only two years away, and is not a very long time at all.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. I agree with Leyla, and I would caution you to be very careful not to cross any lines in your relationship with this young sister. You need to keep your distance and not be meeting secretly or talking secretly, as that would only lead to sin.

    I'm not going to say that young people don't feel "real love" or that young people don't know what love is. Actually people sometimes experience emotions very intensely. However, I think a lot of the time what young people believe is love is really desire or attachment. Genuine love means caring for and about other person, and trusting the other person. Whereas what I often see in young people's relationships is that they are very jealous and controlling of each other, and suspicious. My point is that teenagers in this modern age don't yet have the maturity to handle marriage.

    And then, as Leyla pointed out, there are all the practical considerations.

    If you are really serious then I suggest that you discuss this with your parents, tell them about this girl, and ask them if you can get married, or at least engaged, at the age of 18 or 19. It's very important that everything be above-board and not secret or hidden. As soon as you start hiding things, you get into the realm of "affairs," and you will also risk destroying your parents' trust in you, which will doom this relationship for sure.

    Wael Editor

  3. Salaam to you brother and to Wael and Leyla,

    I saw your situation and instantly thought of mine. I like you met a muslim girl 2 years ago this september. We decided we wanted to get Married shortly after we finished out AS level exams (so about a year older than you).
    We waited a year to put our education first so we could show our parents that our priorities aren't out of order. so a year later (now). We told our parents we wanted to get married. All hell broke loose, arguments with parents, high emotions, lots of craziness. All because our parents would not even consider anything official until at least I was financially independent and capable of supporting a family.
    The problem is the ability to support a family. To do this, I need to finish university, probably further postgraduate study and get a good job with financial security.
    All this before we can even get engaged.
    This is the problem with our Dunya today. There are just too many things that need doing for men before marriage, and cultural views of marriage are rife within muslim communities, few people now think of marriage before financial independence as even possible.
    Its heartbreaking but you need patience (and so do I). We can't see each other anymore because we don't get the same bus to 6th form anymore (that was how I would see her usually) now that school is over. In addition, her parents won't let her see me even though if her brother is with us (I am good friends with her brother too).
    The problem comes down to financial independence and cultural ideas of marriage.
    I hope both sets of parents allow you to go ahead but if its anything like my situation, you're looking forward to a pretty nasty looking, and very long 5 year wait at least. (In fact probably more because of medicine).
    @ Leyla
    18 years old is rarely acceptable... I'm 18, going on 19.. and engagement looks years away.
    Unless your parents are super supportive of you and happy to believe you and help you and that the girl's parents take the risk that you will be successful and able to provide after university.
    We as an entire Muslim Ummah love Dunya way too much, and here in the West, UK, USA, Canada, Europe etc, don't recognise that young people need to be allowed the halal and protected from the haram, or at least not tempted to it by the actions of fellow muslims.

    Good luck (well, by luck I mean I hope Allah smiles on you)


  4. dear brother
    its good mashallah that u have good intentions of getting married ,marriage is big responsiblity both spiritually and wordly wise but lets be real...whats important for us in this world? our main purpose of life is to obey and do what our ALLAH commands us.marriage is among them.many people argue on income and what u gunna eat bluh etc. i would advice u to propose to her and her parents about your intetions (ofcourse with the help of your parents and two male witnesses).then if it is succesfull then u two can wait with patience for ALLAH rewards those with patience knowing u will get married.or even get married and talk with your parents to let u live in their house with your wife but atleast u will be safe infront of ALLAH.the prophet (SAW) said marriage should not be delayed. a man asked the prophet (SAW) when should i get married? he replied as soon as posibble with emmediate preparations.BUT dnt carry on seeing her before nikkah(marriage).yes u will have problems coz u r young but be strong to get help from both your parents (wife`s and husband`s).the main thing is to talk through it with both parties and may they see the importance of ziwaj(marriage) infront of ALLAH and help you both get married.may ALLAH give u the neemah to carry on with your gud intentions akhe.

  5. I wanna wish u all the best, but for now I would say take things very slowly. Because u do gotta thnk about the family u will b makin. Such as supporting ur wife, kids, education, car insurance, food, etc. If u r planning on having ur parents do tat, tat wouldn't b rite. So stand up on ur feet first, because ur not running away nor is ur future wife. Get stable. Inshallah things will wrk out for u in the future.

  6. hi im 18 and im a pakistani sunni, i want to get married to a 16 year old who is muslim kurdish though, and i know its illegal in england and wales to get married thats why no molby will marry us. i was just wondering if we went to scotland to get married because the legal age 16 could we get married because his parents dont accept the marriage but my mum does.. what do i do can anyone help me???

  7. Mashallah, I am going through the same problem. People have corrupted Islam and are following some other deen. If marriages are delayed this way there will be a lot of fitnah as we can see today i.e. zinnah, alcoholism, drugs. Prophet muhammad didnt set any rulings regarding the age. You must ask your father to support you and your wife untill you get married, at least this is what is followed in Saudi Arabia. Indians muslims are cowards and are more like non muslims. To be frank I didn't find any differnece between indian muslims and indian hindus except that muslims pray salah otherwise muslims attitude is same as non muslims. That is why there are so many problems within indian muslim community. They have introduced their own philosophy borrowed from greeks, european eastern and mixed it into a bag and given it a title of Islam. I suggest you to take advice form salafi scholars as these people are more closer to the truth. Dont delay the marriage because people say about financial burdens and all types of nonsense. I hope you pay heed to my advice.

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