Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am 27, my wife is 18 and we don’t get along

Toronto, Canada

Toronto, Canada

Salam everyone...

I want to be brief and as detailed as possible here. In December, I met my wife on a matrimonial website and we started talking and immediately felt a vibe together. I am 27 years old and she is 18 years old. I had been looking to get married and for some reason or the other, by Allah's decree, we weren't getting good proposals and it was sort of frustrating me as all my friends were getting married and I needed someone to help me keep away from sins. Anyway, she approached me on the website wondering if I would be interested in marrying a young girl. I obliged and things went from there.

I live in Canada and she lives in Dubai. After speaking with her for 2 months or so... I requested my parents to approach her parents and the first impression was very nice and we decided to get engaged. My parents went over to her house to celebrate the engagement and gave her a ring and some clothes; however, nothing came from their side. I felt that maybe I was here in Canada, they didnt think it was necessary to arrange a ring for me.

Anyway, then we started talking on the phone and get to know each other better and mashaAllah I am very easy going (even if I say so myself) that I sometimes let go of her improper behaviour thinking that she is still young and that she will learn as we get along. I felt I made a mistake there. So we decided to get married in April; I know all this was happening fairly quickly, reason being that I wanted to start processing her papers to come to Canada after "rukhsati" (which means giving away of the bride). My wife and her mum both performed Istikhara and they mentioned to me that their results were positive. I wish I had performed Istikhara myself as well but my heart felt that she was the one and I felt very positive towards her.

During this whole time, my mum developed a serious illness of the joints which has affected her fairly badly and I feel that she needs someone to be around her to help her through this pain. We are a small family. My sister is living abroad with her husband and is unable to come like that. I'm the only son and I feel its my duty to support my parents. When I went back for nikah, I saw my mum with my own eyes and felt really bad and decided to come live in Dubai until she gets better... and my eventual goal was to live in Dubai anyway (this has been laid out to the wife from the get-go).

The result was drastic to say the least. My wife then started to call me a "liar" in that I promised her I'd take her to Canada and that I "shattered" her dreams. She had hoped to go to a good school and be with her relatives here in Canada and now she doesn't see that happening. She said that if I knew all this why didnt I say so earlier so that maybe the Nikah could've been delayed/stopped!!

I told her this was a sudden decision after I saw the condition of my mum. But she kept on teasing me about this for a while at which point I felt that she married me  only to come to Canada. I felt there was materialism in her in that she would ask me for so many things and had created so many fantasies that I was almost afraid that if they didnt happen, she would feel bad about it big time.

Ever since that day, she has changed. She's still at her parents house of course, and does not call my family often. I'm not saying it is "farz" to do that but I think as a new wife in the family, it is important that the girl calls my parents and tell them she loves them and that she hopes for mum to get better. She hates the idea that I'm coming back to Dubai and feels that the only reason I'm coming back is for my mum and that I have no regards to what my wife thinks. Wife says that "we shouldnt have rukhsati" soon because it would cause my mum to become more sick as she would get involved in the preparation and that we should wait until she gets better; whereby she is clearly implying that she doesnt wanna take care of my mum AT ALL. I know I sound selfish that I'm expecting her to take care of my family... but its a natural feeling... any husband would want that their wives would love and respect his parents.

She has a problem with sarcasm. She sarcastically will say the meanest and rudest of things and then in the end say "she was only joking"... and if I get mad or question her... she gets all fussed up about it and says that I'm the one not understanding her and that she "didnt mean it this way or that way." It always somehow becomes my problem and that she meant it the nicest way possible. Recently, we got into an argument at which point she called me the "biggest liar" she had ever seen and after that I wrote a quite a stern email in which I pointed out her mistakes and how it is affecting our relationship and is driving me away. After reading the email, she got into such a state of anger that she lost all respect for her own husband and was bad-mouthing me and cursing me to "die" and "go to fire!" ... and that I'm a "loser and a liar"... and things that were absolutely heart-breaking.

I felt that in our relationship I was and have been doing the most compromise and she is simply expecting too much from me. I am at a stage where no matter what I think... I come to the conclusion that me and her cannot get along well. No matter how angry you are, I think the husband and wife should NEVER and I mean NEVER degrade the other person so much that they are unable to apologize. I feel that she has nothing to do with my parents and this is NOW... when we are not living together... what will happen when she comes over? There are lots more things in here which I wish I could tell but then this would be a huge question!

In this relationship I'll admit that I made a few mistakes too but Allah knows that I have never degraded her... or made her feel like she is a servant or anything... or whatever! It is becoming very frustrating as each day passes and since I live all alone by myself here, I am going through depression and need advice.

Should I consider divorce? If not, why not? Will she ever change?

Jazakallah everyone!

- contentsoul


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27 Responses »

  1. brother

    I feel very sorry for that try to manage things upto a level even then if she dont want to compromise forget it as a bad past. U r still young i am also of your similar age and still unmarried i live in dubai. Well forget all these try to compromise 50 - 50 if she agree better else forget her.

    She is creating problem in starting what will happen in future try to solve if not forget and make your heart stone

    • Listen, this is not forgetting and letting go thing. Brother you are 27 and she is 18. This was a bad judgment by you at your age. Weather it be a girl or boy, 18 year old are very self centered. Do you remember where you were at mentally at this age. What foolish things you said to people older than you. Tell me how you felt to think you were going to a new country to start your life anew away from all that you knew and understood. She is taking it out on you because, she told many people she was going. I am sure her parents filled her head full of things. Brother you have made you bed now you must lay in it. In point, you are her husband. You surely knew that you thought she would be quiet and reserve and would say nothing to you. You were wrong. Congrats!! You still have a chance to teach her your way of life. But, she will only learn by positive reinforcement. Most men marry younger to train their wives but, they don't have the patients. I would have suggested to marry some closer your age or just a bit older that has a better understanding of life. Have no regret just learn how to appease the situation. Stay calm and remind her about the golden rule treat others how she would want to be treated.

      • Oh,

        My dear brother you should have not filed for divorce. I think you got it all wrong. You are or were married to your wife, not her dad... it is her that you would sleep next to. Why would you get angry that she did not agree with her fathers opinion remember he is much much much older than her. Her father reason at a different level. I hope for God sake you did not take her virginity away. This is something only given once... only one time. If you have taken her virginity and now divorce her this to will happen to some one you love. Being married is a lot of work, you do not divorce easy. You both should have gone to counseling before getting married and if you are having in order to fix the problem. Sometime family can make a problem 100 times bigger than what it is. You both need someone does not interest vested in the relationship. The following reasons are good reasons. 1. She has cheated on you by sleeping with another man. 3. She beats you black and blue or abusive to you. Brother, I am speaking to you in a strong way because, you chose to marry an 18 year old. You are mentally much older and should reason much better than her. Patients is love and forgiving mean Allah will forgive you. My dear brother I am a mom of a 17 year old girl. I know how sweet and caring she can be but, I know she does not reason at the same level as I do. Consequence, of my daughters actions is still at a limited level. That is why I said you made your bed of roses now you must lay in it. Please, heed my advice... a marriage is hard work. It has never been easy. It is young people of now that think that marriage is a fairy tale, they have a few hard times and walk out that is haram.

  2. Salaams,

    You seemed to have realised already and you have presented enough evidence to answer your own question.
    From what you say, your wife's motives for marriage is to get to Canada. The way she disregards your wishes, shows no compassion for your ill mother, theses are not good signs.
    I suggest you separate firstly and focus on yourself and your duty to your mother. A mother comes before anyone.
    Only through this separation can you allow your wife time to perhaps realise her terrible behaviour. Refrain for any form of arguments. Do not even bother to reiterate her wrongdoings. The more you do this, the more she will rebel against what is correct and true.
    She is very immature, self-centred and her thinking is not in line with Islamic values.
    I am not sure of the matters of looking after her financially as a husbnd is required to do so Islamically. Check this with an Imam. At least then you will be free of any wrongdoing, if perhaps you provide her with a basic allwance as you are her husband.
    All I can say, is that it doesn't look good but mabye in time she can change. But don't yield to any demands or retaliate to any bad comments. If you want to at least, do Istikhara and pray for guidance and also make dua that Allah SWT can change her for the better.

    Don't be in any rush to have children either. They are always the casualties of a bad relationship.

    Regards

  3. Salaam Brother,

    I am sorry for the problems that you are facing in your new marriage.

    The truth of the matter is that you promised her that you would live in Canada and you broke that promise. It's not just a minor decision for her, it was a decision that formed the basis of her marriage to you. So - its a big one. In Islam, our word is our bond - and the breaking of promises should never, under any circumstances be taken lightly

    Allah says of the good qualities of the believers:
    "Those who faithfully observe their trusts and their covenants; and who strictly guard their prayers; these will be the heirs, ..." Surah Al-Mu'minu

    And in Hadith "There is no faith for the one who has no trust, and there is no religion for the one that does not fulfill his promises." Ahmad

    Religion aside, one of the most important things a couple must practice in a marriage, is keeping to their word, and fulfilling their promises. Nothing causes more upset in a marriage then breaking a promise no matter how small or tiny. For females especially - her husband's word is the word her whole security revolves around and if he lies to her, or breaks his promises to her she will feel that she cannot trust him - emotions will run cold and there will be a barrier between the two of you.

    Also you must decide what kind of leader you are in your life, what kind of manager? Are you the type of leader who creates such a bond between himself and his team that they would gladly take a bullet for you or are you the kind of leader who demands co-operation or else? I dare say that inspiration and bonding is the best platform for love and loyalty in a marriage and what you failed to do in this situation is communicate your plans to your wife in a way which creates love and loyalty. You delivered a life-changing decision to her and now you are surprised at the reaction - my brother, until you learn the art of communication with your wife and the art of consideration you will continue to have these problems - even if you divorce her and marry another woman.

    I understand that your mother is very sick and you wish to stick by her side and take care of her, and this is a very very good quality that you have to want to take care of your mother like this, mashaAllah. But brother, moving your home to another country is a big decision which you have just made on the spot like that - eliminating any possibly of returning to Canada at any stage for any reason. You do not have to move countries permanently to tend to your sick mother, you can stay in Dubai for as long as necessary and then return once your mother has recovered. So all of that aside, you made this decision and then said to your wife: "all of those plans we've made for our future - they have all changed now and we are staying here for good". It is no wonder she is angry and upset with you.

    The other things you are saying about her...that you feel she is materialistic, that she is making no effort with your family and so on and so forth - fall into the "complaint" category from you. You continue to have expectations of her behaviour without taking any steps to recognise the significance of the promise you made, and the significance of breaking that promise so quickly and without discussion, without asking her how she feels, or how she will be affected by it. This is unreasonable, and you must take responsibility for your word, for what you say, for what you promise and for how to manage changes in your life and the way you communicate those changes to your wife.

    I would recommend that you sit with her alone, in a quiet place where there is tea, calm (like nature, sea, skylight or something relaxing) and communicate to her your plans and thoughts and feelings in a way which gets her on your side, working with you as your loyal team mate, rather than someone who has to just deal with whatever decision you make if you want to solve this problem. You will see a massive turnaround in your communications with her and you will see her behaviour improve dramatically.

    First, acknowledge that you broke a promise - "Wife, I know I broke a promise and I am so very sorry about that - I understand why you feel anger toward me and I am not upset with you for this way"
    Second - Try to fulfil that promise "InshaAllah when my mother gets better, I intend to keep the promise that I made to you because I know that it is important to you"
    Third - Share with her your problem "The problem is that I fear for my mother and I do not want to leave her alone like this - so on the one hand I have my mother in the state that she is in, and on the other hand I want to make sure that I do not break my word to you"
    Fourth - Ask her to help you "I am asking you from the bottom of my heart for ideas on how to manage my situation and make both things happen - can you help me?"

    There will follow some conversation here - during this time you must concede that she is right when she berates you for breaking your promise, and at the same time you must keep explaining that you are stuck in a situation where you don't know the solution and you cannot leave your mother's side right now. As the conversation goes on, work to maintain the peace and keep recognising that you both have a situation that needs to be solved and don't give up.

    This is marriage - it is two people managing expectations together, and turning conflicts into "a problem" and then working together to solve the problem. It is admitting when we have done wrong, or made things worse, and it is making sacrifices to make things right again - if you can master these skills then you will have a happy and fruitful marriage, your wife will be loving and loyal, your greatest supporter. If you cannot do these things, your marriage will be loveless no matter who it is with.

    To put everything into perspective, recent research on marriage has shown that statistically, marriages with conflict in the first three years actually go on to make longer lasting and happier marriages then those in which the two do not fight. The reasons for this are that couples who fight early on, identify and settle a lot of the problems and learn how to resolve problems successfully paving the path for allegiance and teamwork later on. Couples who rarely argue are more likely to end up divorced before 20 years.

    Don't quit at the first sign of trouble, or you will always be quitting.

    Peace,
    L

    • Leyla, I have to disagree with you on this one. He says she knew from the start that he eventually planned to live in Dubai. Maybe you missed that. And then his mother became sick, necessitating his return to Dubai. Things happen. Circumstances change. Any reasonable wife understands that.

      I have a fixed schedule when I meet my ex-wife to exchange our child. Sometimes she emails me and says, "Can we meet two hours later, because I have a meeting." I say no problem, and I work it out. If her timing doesn't work for me then I suggest an alternative. I don't rage at her and call her a liar for breaking a promise. I understand that things come up.

      If I promise my daughter that we'll go to the zoo on Saturday, and then it rains on Saturday, I tell her, "I'm sorry sweetie, I wanted to take you but it's raining." She might get upset but more likely she will understand, even though she is only 4 years old, she trusts my sincerity. She knows that I always try to keep my promises but that sometimes circumstances change and things happen that we did not anticipate. If a four year old can understand this, then I would hope that an 18 year old could also, but it seems that this 18 year old is particularly self-centered and immature.

      She tells him to die, to go to fire, and calls him a loser and a liar... this sounds like the behavior of an out-of-control, vicious child, not a grown woman. I would not remain with someone like that for five minutes, let alone for life. Maybe she will mature as she grows older, or maybe not. Often people's core personalities do not change. If she stays as she is, life with her would be miserable.

      I think that "Troubled" wrote some good advice, and rather than reiterate everything that he said, I will just advise brother "contentsoul" to read his reply carefully.

      One caveat. "Contentsoul" is a man, I'm guessing that "Troubled" is a man, and I am a man. Though I disagreed with my respected colleague Leyla's conclusions, I think it's important to read her reply carefully in order to understand the female perspective, because even if you don't agree, you still have to understand if you hope to achieve any resolution.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salaams Wael,

        Thank you for respecting my advice. I am actually a woman. I have posted my own dilemma which I have been waiting for it to be posted. I am speaking from my own experiences. My husband only married to access a western country. He behaves as contentsoul's wife. When people are of this nature, it is futile reitreating their wrongs as it only fuels their negative behaviour.
        In my turbulent marriage, I had to take on roles traditionally for the man, ie. breadwinner, maintaining all duties and now have been left to be both mother and father to my children. Meanwhile my husband behaved more like a petulant female!
        I'm trying to put it all behind me.

        Regards

        Troubled

        • Wa salaam, "Troubled." At this moment we have 32 posts waiting in the queue to be published. We publish them one at a time in the order they were received. Usually one per day, sometimes two. We are currently publishing the ones submitted around June 11th or so. Sorry that it takes so long.

  4. Assalamu alaikum,

    Sorry sister Leyla, I have to agree with Wael on this one. After reading conentsouls post again I found no where in it that gave me the impression that he was lying to her. He was planning to bring her to Canada where he was living at the time, but if you read further you will see that his intent was to move to Dubai in the future. He said she knew that from the get go!!! The future just happened to be sooner than he expected.

    I have to tell you, I would probably feel the same way he feels. It seems as if she only married him to move to Canada. It also seems like she dooes not want to live in Dubai any longer. If I'm not mistaken, he said that he said that she is currently living in Dubai.

    What she has to realise is when two people decide to get married there has to be some give and take. In this case his mother is ill and he is the only son. I am the only son in my family and if I was presented with the same situation I would have done exactly as he did. Later in their marriage there may be a situation where he will have to compromise. It's just a part of being married.

    The way she responded to him was unaccaptable. There was no need for her to call him a liar, tell him to die or go to the hell fire. She is very immature. Does that mean that every 18 year old will act like her? No. There are some who are more mature than a fifty year old.

    In this case I would sit down with her and try to explain to her again in a calm manner why he made the decision to move to Dubai so soon. If she does not want to listen then he has some serious decisions to make.

    Sorry Sister Leyla, didn't mean to pile on.

    Your brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Carter

  5. i dont know her or you or everything from both sides, but to me it seems as if i sense a danger alert around her. true love in the begining is so strong that you would naturally be happy to sacrifice for your husband or wife. this is not an arranged marriage, it's a love marriage. and i don't sense an ounce of love in her. being a woman, i know that part of the reasons i sacrificed my dreams in the begining for my husband's happiness was love, just like many men and women do when they are in love. she seems to have no respect for you, and the way she is disrespecting you and talking to you. this does NOT show good character. you guys have just begun your life together, think of the future man! i know one guy who had a similar wife but nothing could be done. he married out of fear of his parents, it was arranged marriage and apparently his father thought this was a very beautiful dauther in law. he didn't like the girl from the begining. he was religious minded, she was not. then stuff happened because her character was similar to this girl's. her husband told his brother that she worships money. she even directly told me that marriage is all about money. but aparently his brother, being a man, took side of the girl. when he complained to his brother that she talks rudely to him, his brother said good. when he was thinking of divorce, her family threatened to kill him. so he is stuck with her. and such women are rude to everybody and dishonest. they are only good when they want something. i don't know her. but it seems she is so. i am sorry to say this about your wife. everybody has good qualities and bad ones, we are all humans. the only thing that can improve us is the deen.
    other thing is, it is not your wife's job to take care of your mother. you are not bringing a servant in. if she is good-natured, if you are good, if your mom is good, then eventually it will be natural that she might want to care for the mother of the man she loves. but many times mother in laws are not good, husbands are not perfect, wives are not perfect, so things don't go ideally. our culture is bad in that we expect to bring a slave in rather than a wife. a wife is someone you share your life with, your most intimate relationship, a freind, a lover, and she an be so much more depending on the circumstances. but we bring in wives thinking she will serve my mother, she will take over the housework, she will cook for me and i can have sex every night. get a maid, a servant, and a prostitute if this is all that you want.

  6. Salaam to All, Thank you everyone for considering my feelings whilst you were disagreeing with me, which of course I take absolutely no offence to and God bless you all for that.

    I spotted a few issues:

    First, communication failure

    What I see in this problem is a series of communication failures from the get go - from the marriage discussion and future plans, to the email he wrote, to her response to the email, to his mother becoming ill and his deciding to stay in Dubai for a short while. It seems to me that whatever has been said: it has not got through adequately or successfully as now she feels that she has been lied to and he feels that he is being used. Now - she has resorted to shouting and screaming abuse, and he is contemplating divorce. Its getting worse with each communication - so clearly: its not working.

    This is not the best communication when all parties really don't understand the intentions and feelings of the other.

    So what I advised him to do is communicate all of his plans to her in a different way, in which he appeals to her in love and get her on his side, and I have written step by step instructions on how to go about it and use "we", "us", "together" language to set the scene. I know full well that his wife will complain, but if he makes the move of saying "yes, I recognise that you are upset because I said this and did that" - they will stop arguing about that specific subject and move on to solving the communication between them and make a plan. I have also given him step by step instructions on how to open up a communication which will create bonding and space for team discussion.

    "I would recommend that you sit with her alone, in a quiet place where there is tea, calm (like nature, sea, skylight or something relaxing) and communicate to her your plans and thoughts and feelings in a way which gets her on your side, working with you as your loyal team mate, rather than someone who has to just deal with whatever decision you make if you want to solve this problem. You will see a massive turnaround in your communications with her and you will see her behaviour improve dramatically....."

    Second issue - is fighting for the sake of being right, instead of negotiating for resolution

    Marriage is not a fight for who is right and who is wrong - if you approach marriage in this way, you will always be fighting. Sometimes it is better to admit we are not perfect, that we have done things that may have upset another person or come across badly and the affect of this is that the person sitting opposite us feels more able to admit their faults and wrongdoings too. It's opening a door to communication.

    The couple in question have had their first major upset - and in marriage there are MANY upsets to come. If you cannot apologise for the upset that you have caused (whether you feel right or wrong or whatever) then you will never feel that lovely feeling of making up, making things stronger and making things better. Yes, you can fight to the death for your point if you want to - but usually most arguments only represent a deeper feeling of not being considered or loved by your partner. Please note how even Wael and Abdul Wali Carter took the trouble of acknowledging me in a certain way before / after they disagreed: they are not starting a fight - they are making this clear - they are communicating openly and considerately their opinions.

    The couple in the question are not doing this at all - both sides are pointing out the wrongs of the other and it seems that no one is taking even one shred of responsibility at any stage - or even trying to understand that actually, x,y or z may just be upsetting to the other - intentionally or not intentionally someone has to recognise that they are not perfect and they made mistakes.

    I will share with you something of myself:

    Sometimes, when my husband has a bad day at work, he is more sensitive and gets upset quicker than usual, and I say "sorry honey, I didn't realise x,y, or z would upset you - let me fix it" and then, most of the time he says: "No, No Leyla, I'm sorry - I'm in a bad mood because of work" and then I say "how can I help you feel better?" and he says "a bath would be nice"...or something like that. I don't tell him he is wrong for being sensitive because that will start a fight, and he doesn't tell me I am wrong for not doing x,y, or z because that will start a fight too and before you know it, you have been arguing for 3 days about who has the best case for being upset and you are just fighting for the sake of being right instead of resolving a problem. Both sides admit responsibility for the upset and then both sides create a solution: very quick and easy: a bath, a cup of tea, some attention...

    In the early days of our marriage....it was all about fighting until someone says "you're right" - what a waste of time - you fight for the sake of winning some imaginary contest of who-has-the-most-right-to-be-the-most-upset. Better to say, "you know what - I accept that I made an agreement and that changing that agreement has upset you and caused bad feelings, and I'm sorry - now help me to make things better"

    The woman in question should not swear and curse, yes - of course she should not do those things. But likewise, we should not be so fast to brand her, and label her - some people need guidance and assistance in communication and understanding. Communication is a very tough skill, so tough in fact that some people need a professional therapist in the room to achieve it.

    But before we end up at the therapists office, or at the divorce court we should at least make an attempt to acknowledge that "yes - I have caused some pain here, and I am sorry for the pain that I have caused, I accept the responsibility for that - now I invite you to share with me ideas and plans to make things better between the two of us"

    If everyone in the relationship is committed to peace instead of war - peace will be found. But to achieve peace, we must admit when we have wronged the other - and inspire them to admit their wrong toward us, and keep going like this, until there is peace between us.

    Peace,

    L

  7. Very interesting reading all these comments.

    I read this post when it was first submitted and thought that this 18 year old sister is extremely immature, lacks manner, tolerance and has some major growing up to do.

    Leyla said: "to achieve peace, we must admit when we have wronged the other - and inspire them to admit their wrong toward us"

    This is the key to finding any possible solution in this case, but I think it only works if both individuals are able to communicate respectfully. I think the brother may have to excercise that much more patience, as from what he says, his wife appears to have a difficult personality.

    SisterZ

  8. all the comments given are helpfull, but i disagree with sisterz again..u cant call som1 immature,lacks mannerz etc just by judging them to what the brother has described the situation. Ppl come on this fantastic website allhamdulilah for advice , nt to b JUDGED .hope i aint offencd any1 x

    • Dear Raaki, no offence taken,

      'Based on what the brother told us', I feel that the sister has been a little immature ,aybe due to young age & lacks manners. I was not judging the sister.

      SisterZ

  9. Salamz everyone...

    Thank you everyone for the advice!!
    Special thanks to Troubled, Leyla, Wael, SisterZ and Abdul Wali.

    I just wanted to mention that my divorce contemplation was not a spontaneous decision. It was after a lot of thinking and discussing with family and close friends. Believe me, I have tried every way possible to solve this issue. I have tried to calm her down and calm myself down before we speak. But if every attempt is leading to her bad-mouthing me and cursing me... what am I to do?

    Regarding coming to Canada. I never mentioned anywhere that I wasn't bringing her here to Canada. I was still processing her papers and they would be ready for her so that she can come to Canada later on. Yes, I understand that the idea was to bring her to Canada immediately and stay here for a while, but due to circumstances I've mentioned (my mum being ill) the plan required to be postponed. Circumstances change and we have to learn to adapt. My wife, I feel, should be understanding enough to say that "Hey, why are you stayin miles away from your mum, come here to Dubai and we'll look after her and once she feels better, we can then move." As a matter of fact, her dad said that in front of us... that I should come back and take care of the family and be with them, so why doesnt the daughter share the same attitude? Life is all about keeping your loved ones with you. I'm not asking her to be a servant but don't all women take care of the house they live in?? That's just how family life is!

    Anyway... my dad went over to their house to resolve the matter, but their family reacted oppositely! Could you believe it?? They were like the guy promised her "immigration, education and a car etc etc" and now this is not happening so the girl doesnt wanna stay with him any longer. The girl isnt here at our house yet, she hasnt fulfilled any duties of a wife and is already expecting me to give her the world!! Things would have come eventually but from day 1?!! Those were their reasons which clearly point that it was a materialistic affair! We've filed for divorce.

    - contentsoul

    • Dear Brother,

      I hope you did Istikhara before making this decision.

      May Allah guide you to the best choice.

      SisterZ

    • slm well i have a different view and know alot of so called men like you.... you make it look like she is the bad guy but infact you want what you want SELFISH im glad u filled for divorce you wud just be bad for her.... i agree with her famliy you promised smthing and never kept your promise what makes you think they do not think that you might always do this make promises u will not keep.... once we c a mistake first we need to step up why did u lie? huh? u just suppose to tell her in the beginning that INSHLH MAYBE IF YOUR NOT SURE not a promise then she would not marry you....like she said.... its not being materialistic its about a broken promise and a man who brakes his promises is known as a hypocrite and not to be trusted its a sign of his character,why dont you take your mom to canada and look after her there? dont blame it on the girls age any women wud have felt hurt weather 50 or 60 and especially most men if the women says before marriage i will immigrate with you to your country after marriage she says no u too will get violent and say she is a liar put urself in her position,"the prophet s.a.w said the best of u are those who are best to their wives " so why cant u give her the world if u r able to do so? ur not poor or un educated......

      • Nadira,

        Thanks for your comments. However, I just want to remind you that I have not broken any promises. I did tell her I was taking her to Canada but because of my mum's ailment, the plan was slightly delayed. It's not like I canceled the migration completely. Please review my notes completely in case you missed something.

        The Prophet (SAS) also said "If there was anyone else who I would ask to perform sajda to, it would be your husband". Please review both sides of the coin before making judgments. I dont think I agree with you calling me a hypocrite.

        If the girl I am marrying with is not supportive from day ONE, I dont know if I can "give her the world". Anyway... thanks for your time!

  10. good that u filed foor divorce

  11. u did the right thing

  12. WalaikumsalaamWarahmatullah Lala,

    I do not think it is right to say that all 18 year olds are selfish, immature, stubborn and make horrible wives. This in itself is a very generalised and immature statement to make.

    Firstly, anyone can be blessed with wisdom and piety, regardless of their age. Ayesha(ra) is positive proof of that. I too thought that based on what the brother told us, the 18yr old sister being discussed in this post had behaved immaturely. Maybe this is true, but as Raaki quite rightly pointed out, the sister never had a chace to explain herself to us, so maybe we should all take it easy on her. May Allah forgive me too if I seemed to be judging her.

    Secondly, divorce is not a likeable thing, so to rejoice over one's decision to divorce seems frighteningly shallow to me. I pray that the choice made the brother is the best one for him and that Allah guides both involved towards piety and eemaan in all walks of life.

    SisterZ

    • salam,

      i do feel sorry for u, and i cant imagin myself ever in ur position. i will however advice u spare urself from this pain, as a grl so shallow minded is no way worth it. her age is just a number, once u are married specially as a women u mature faster, i have friends that married at 17 had kids at 18 and they are such wonderful role models who love their husbands and families.

      im 23 and i would do anything for my husband, i never had the privledge to meet his parents as they passed before i came along, but if they were around i would love and respect them as my own. as a girl living in dubai she should have more islamic influence and know that what she is saying and putting you through is haram, i am british, and even in this western world i know my duty as a muslim woman.

      dont bring her over, she seems like a gold digger and is only after a better education and life for herself, who knows once shes got that she might even leave you. be a man, bring youself out of this depression, u aint even that old, allah knows what is written for you, but this girl is doing you more harm then good. your parents come first, dont stress, move on.look out for your family, look out for yourself, she does not deserve for you to make her happy, she is a selfish little child who needs to grow up!

      i pray allah guides u, and you make the right decision. take care

  13. Brother

    Let me tell you this is not she, who is speaking. This is her mother, believe me. They have planned it this way. She is just 18 and is not at all sharp enough to entangle you in such a game. The worst thing happening, in our society, now a days is that girls are extremely fed by their mothers, and are in their full influence.

    Your biggest mistake was that you let her stay with her mother after "Nikkah". You should have had taken her along after marraige(This should have been your Nikkah condition). Then living alone with you, getting your love would have kept her away from "planning games" and realizing and experiencing life with you.

    She would realize this mistake sooner then 10 years or so. She then would perhaps curse her mother. But it would be too late by then.

    Since she hasn't moved to your house yet. I would advise you to call this relation off at this stage. Compromise would only encourage her and her mother to further play. She will never realize her mistakes and you'll keep losing ground.

    May Allah be with you (Amin)

  14. In the name of ALLAH (swt) the most merciful and most gracious..i would like to penn down my thoughts as well...ALLAH swt is just wen it comes to judgement...and HE likes the one who also practice the same...nyone posting here should not be biased...whoever is wronged and maltreated..we have to support them by giving our just n sincere advice ..n remember final decesion is theirs only...

    after reading the case...i point out that the behavior of d gal is not only mean n materialistic but sumthing beyond dat(unusual and odd)...moreover her parents arnt making their daughter understand that her mother-in-law seriously got ill and she should take care of her...whatever promise we make on
    fone..and ny planning about future....can be changed wen circumstances demands for it prior giving ny notice...just think ..for instance lets say, her sister in law(brothers wife) would have been in this issue..n her brother might have promised all goodies immediately after marriage as ny husband would do...they would have definately pointed out their fingers on the gal....some families have a tendency that their daughter-in-law has to abide by all the rules laid by them...n has to b understandable, adjustable, emphathetic...and blah blah...but the moment it comes to their daughters side...everything changes...no matter what...some people r
    engrossed in themselves ALL THE TIME ,concerned solely with their own interests...
    THE GUY in this case is just being made scapegoat...thats it...
    To be not happy wid the decision her husband took coz of his mums illness is another thing but point to be noted..calling him liar,loser...n what not is a RED FLAG for her behavior..this is just an initial phase as a couple n she is not even understanding her husbands plight and concern towards his ailing mother...i think wen two person marry eachother...n vow to keep eachother happy till death do them apart...the gal should also love her inlaws and care for them like a true muslimah..and same applies for the guy...n
    den only they would b able to live happily....THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF HAPPY AND CONTENT LIFE...we should follow ponder on the life of our prophet to make ours also blissful n satisfied.
    1.some thing which is hiting my mind is why the gals parents hav not presented their son in law ring and some dresses as per

    customs which is done in every culture n family...at engagement...word is given,gifts r exchanged..this is how things happen

    everywhere be it india or US....

    2.if circumstance demands some changes to be done for their own loved ones life...in dis case gal should hav supported her

    husband by sayin i will care for mum n be at her side...inshaallah she will get well soon...n wen she resumes her health back i will

    visit canada n accompany u...like ny sensible person will do...but she is resistant to change...

    3.it has nothing to do with her being of 18 years...by this age everyones understanding level develops...its her ill behavior and her

    upbringing...coming in her way to take right decesion for herself...her parents can make her understand they arnt of 18 years i

    suppose...why arnt they takin their son in laws side if he is right...or r they hiding sumthing from him(??just think)....

    finally i would urge u to talk to her as well her parents and say whatever u have in ur mind...c whatever u shared here...ur

    thoughts...do d same with them ...an also talk wid d gals sister and brother if they r elder to her...n c how they respond to u....
    if they dont agree wid u...then there is no doubt that they r hiding their daughters unusual and odd behavior with u..try to research

    about her behavior from some closed frnds of her or nyone u think can tell u about her life so far....after telling all this give them

    some time.....as why is she not behaving and understanding despite of u making her understand ....give n ULTIMATUM if they dont

    understand n respond positively then tell them what u have decided to do.....
    MAY ALLAH swt guides u to take right decision....i m late in writing down my opinion...but this is wht i think should have been done in dis case...
    ssa

  15. In the name of ALLAH (swt) the most merciful and most gracious..i would like to penn down my thoughts as well...ALLAH swt is just wen it comes to judgement...and HE likes the one who also practice the same...nyone posting here should not be biased...whoever is wronged and maltreated..we have to support them by giving our just n sincere advice ..n remember final decesion is theirs only...

    after reading the case...i point out that the behavior of d gal is not only mean n materialistic but sumthing beyond dat(unusual and odd)...moreover her parents arnt making their daughter understand that her mother-in-law seriously got ill and she should take care of her...whatever promise we make on
    fone..and ny planning about future....can be changed wen circumstances demands for it prior giving ny notice...just think ..for instance lets say, her sister in law(brothers wife) would have been in this issue..n her brother might have promised all goodies immediately after marriage as ny husband would do...they would have definately pointed out their fingers on the gal....some families have a tendency that their daughter-in-law has to abide by all the rules laid by them...n has to b understandable, adjustable, emphathetic...and blah blah...but the moment it comes to their daughters side...everything changes...no matter what...some people r
    engrossed in themselves ALL THE TIME ,concerned solely with their own interests...
    THE GUY in this case is just being made scapegoat...thats it...
    To be not happy wid the decision her husband took coz of his mums illness is another thing but point to be noted..calling him liar,loser...n what not is a RED FLAG for her behavior..this is just an initial phase as a couple n she is not even understanding her husbands plight and concern towards his ailing mother...i think wen two person marry eachother...n vow to keep eachother happy till death do them apart...the gal should also love her inlaws and care for them like a true muslimah..and same applies for the guy...n
    den only they would b able to live happily....THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF HAPPY AND CONTENT LIFE...we should follow ponder on the life of our prophet to make ours also blissful n satisfied.
    1.some thing which is hiting my mind is why the gals parents hav not presented their son in law ring and some dresses as per

    customs which is done in every culture n family...at engagement...word is given,gifts r exchanged..this is how things happen

    everywhere be it india or US....

    2.if circumstance demands some changes to be done for their own loved ones life...in dis case gal should hav supported her

    husband by sayin i will care for mum n be at her side...inshaallah she will get well soon...n wen she resumes her health back i will

    visit canada n accompany u...like ny sensible person will do...but she is resistant to change...

    3.it has nothing to do with her being of 18 years...by this age everyones understanding level develops...its her ill behavior and her

    upbringing...coming in her way to take right decesion for herself...her parents can make her understand they arnt of 18 years i

    suppose...why arnt they takin their son in laws side if he is right...or r they hiding sumthing from him(??just think)....

    finally i would urge u to talk to her as well her parents and say whatever u have in ur mind...c whatever u shared here...ur

    thoughts...do d same with them ...an also talk wid d gals sister and brother if they r elder to her...n c how they respond to u....
    if they dont agree wid u...then there is no doubt that they r hiding their daughters unusual and odd behavior with u..try to research

    about her behavior from some closed frnds of her or nyone u think can tell u about her life so far....after telling all this give them

    some time.....as why is she not behaving and understanding despite of u making her understand ....give n ULTIMATUM if they dont

    understand n respond positively then tell them what u have decided to do.....
    MAY ALLAH swt guides u to take right decision....i m late in writing down my opinion...but this is wht i think should have been done in dis case...
    ssa

  16. aslk... i would ask the editors to plzz delete my previous post....dunno how it got posted twice....it was abruptly..
    thankin u in advance

  17. In the name of ALLAH (swt) the most merciful and most gracious..i would like to penn down my thoughts as well...ALLAH swt is just wen it comes to judgement...and HE likes the one who also practice the same...nyone posting here should not be biased...whoever is wronged and maltreated..we have to support them by giving our just n sincere advice ..n remember final decesion is theirs only...

    after reading the case...i point out that the behavior of d gal is not only mean n materialistic but sumthing beyond dat(unusual and odd)...moreover her parents arnt making their daughter understand that her mother-in-law seriously got ill and she should take care of her...whatever promise we make on
    fone..and ny planning about future....can be changed wen circumstances demands for it prior giving ny notice...just think ..for instance lets say, her sister in law(brothers wife) would have been in this issue..n her brother might have promised all goodies immediately after marriage as ny husband would do...they would have definately pointed out their fingers on the gal....some families have a tendency that their daughter-in-law has to abide by all the rules laid by them...n has to b understandable, adjustable, emphathetic...and blah blah...but the moment it comes to their daughters side...everything changes...no matter what...some people r
    engrossed in themselves ALL THE TIME ,concerned solely with their own interests...
    THE GUY in this case is just being made scapegoat...thats it...
    To be not happy wid the decision her husband took coz of his mums illness is another thing but point to be noted..calling him liar,loser...n what not is a RED FLAG for her behavior..this is just an initial phase as a couple n she is not even understanding her husbands plight and concern towards his ailing mother...i think wen two person marry eachother...n vow to keep eachother happy till death do them apart...the gal should also love her inlaws and care for them like a true muslimah..and same applies for the guy...n
    den only they would b able to live happily....THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF HAPPY AND CONTENT LIFE...we should follow QURAN N SUNNAH n should ponder on the life of our prophet to make ours also blissful n satisfied.
    1.some thing which is hiting my mind is why the gals parents hav not presented their son in law ring and some dresses as per customs which is done in every culture n family...at engagement...word is given,gifts r exchanged..this is how things happen everywhere be it india or US....
    2.if circumstance demands some changes to be done for their own loved ones life...in dis case gal should hav supported her husband by sayin i will care for mum n be at her side...inshaallah she will get well soon...n wen she resumes her health back i will accompany u...like ny sensible person will do...but she is resistant to change...
    3.it has nothing to do with her being of 18 years...by this age everyones understanding level develops...its her ill behavior and her upbringing...coming in her way to take right decesion for herself...her parents can make her understand they arnt of 18 years i suppose...why arnt they takin their son in laws side if he is right...or r they hiding sumthing from him(??just think)....

    finally i would urge u to talk to her as well her parents and say whatever u have in ur mind...c whatever u shared here...ur thoughts...do d same with them ...an also talk wid d gals sister and brother if they r elder to her...n c how they respond to u....if they dont agree wid u...then there is no doubt that they r hiding their daughters unusual and odd behavior with u..try to research about her behavior from some closed frnds of her or nyone u think can tell u about her life so far....after telling all this give them some time.....as why is she not behaving and understanding despite of u making her understand ....give n ULTIMATUM if they dont
    understand n respond positively then tell them what u have decided to do.....
    MAY ALLAH swt guides u to take right decision....i m late in writing down my opinion...but this is wht i think should have been done in dis case...
    ssa

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