Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am a convert who needs some advice on my non practising fiancé

Dua woman at Sunset

I recently converted to Islam in August 2015. 18 months prior to this I had met my boyfriend and when I met him I was just a "normal" non religious person however I had always believed in God and was brought up by my very strict christian grandmother but I had always doubted Christian beliefs but never God. When I first met my boyfriend he wasn't very open about his religion but in a few months it became clear he was Muslim and out of respect I completely stopped drinking alcohol and although I didn't eat pork I stopped eating Haram even when at home.

He was very closed off about his beliefs but I became curious about Islam and read a lot about it online, within a year it was fair to say I learned quite a lot about it on my own. I had been given a Quran by people who were giving them out in town at the start of 2015 and as I learned more about Islam it became clear this was the truth but it also became clear that my boyfriend knew quite little about it and wasn't very practising.

He prays on Fridays and although my opinion may not be correct as he never has and refuses to spoke about it I sadly believe it to only be due to the fact that he works with other Muslims and if he didn't attend Mosque on the Friday afternoon with them I believe he thinks they would judge him.

When at work in June 2015 I was moved to a different team that required me to have alternative training and the managers assigned me to a man who was Muslim. He was not pushy with it but he was very open about it and I was honestly happy to have met someone who would speak with me about Islam he helped me with any albeit few questions I had as it all felt like the right decision (up to then my boyfriend, his family and the man at work were the only Muslims I had ever met).

Even though I believed Islam to be true and I believed Allah to be the only God I felt it wrong to be in the relationship I was in as it was sinful, so I broke up with my boyfriend. The man at work explained even though I believed in Islam I also had to confess it by saying the Shahada with a witness and over the next few days I researched it and I prayed in the Islamic way for guidance which I oddly found in the very first chapter of the Quran. Al-Fatihah the sentence "Guide us onto the straight path" spoke to me in such a strong way that night and it was clearer then more than ever that I had found the straight path in Islam, the only thing left for me to do was confess I was muslim and follow it fully in every way.

I decided the next day to ask the man at work to witness my Shahada and when I did my Shahada I felt such a warm feeling of peace, like everything was so clear to me, but my boyfriend was very adamant in being with me, he did not know I had converted and I when I told him he in a way made me feel like things would change and genuinely believe he felt it to be true.

So, we decided with certain changes we would attempt the relationship again, as time went on nothing really changed. I was still a secret from his parents and although he knew I felt guilty about a sinful relationship he hasn't changed it.

He doesn't ever try to prevent me from praying or stop me from following Islam but he just does not do it himself, he doesn't drink and doesn't eat haram but he only prays on fridays and although I am so excited about my first Ramadan he has informed me he won't be doing it nor has he fasted for many years..

My question is, is it wrong to be planning my life with someone who although brought up Muslim does not follow Gods will? Also as I am white and as I am a convert his parents do not know about me, he has however introduced me to his uncles, brothers and cousions which he has never done with any other girl before and he did that before I converted at the start of our relationship, he has recently proposed marriage to me on New years day 2016.

He has never been bothered about me not being Muslim but I am kind of bothered he does not pray and will not be fasting and that he disregards it all even though he knows the importance of it all. I wouldn't want my future to be affected by what my husband believes or what he does/does not do as I intend to follow what God has revealed in the Quran for the rest of my life regardless of anyone else.

Since taking my Shahada I believe it to be the best decision of my life and even though people may think I did this for my boyfriend, I did not. I did this only for myself and because I have been blessed to have the truth revealed to me. Even though I know it to be the right way of life, it has become more difficult since converting, my friends and family think so many awful things and have rejected me since learning about my decision to become Muslim. They watch the news too much I think!

I really need to know what to do as I feel quite lost right now with regards to my relationship and how to move forward, I already know it to be wrong to be in a relationship but I am willing to get married as soon as possible but he does not want this right away due to his parents not accepting me. We know that they will not accept me as his brother is in a relationship and has a baby with a Maylasian women who he has been with for ten years, she has only recently converted for the sake of the relationship and his parents and after ten years has finally been introduced to his parents due to a baby they had just before Christmas - my boyfriend's father has said he wants nothing to do with his son or his sons partner and his sons baby, my boyfriends mother however is more open to it and does have contact with them and does see them.

Do you think since I follow Islam and they know their son/my boyfriend does not, that his parents will understand that I am genuine about being a muslim or do you think they will disapprove based on the fact I am white and a convert like they have with my boyfriend's brother?

I really don't want to make the wrong decision with someone who doesn't fully follow God's will and lacks any intention to change. He is 31 years old and I am 23.. It sounds as if I am young and immature but I have given it so much thought but I am still lost and I really don't want to be the reason his parents reject him too and I even though I know what his parents are like is it still wrong for me to feel that I don't want to be kept a secret from his parents anymore? Is it wrong that I need full commitment?

Even though my boyfriend does not affect my choice in regards to wanting to follow Islam, he himself is muslim but the fact he doesnt pray or fully follow islam I feel in a non judgemental way to be wrong, I am scared that in some ways my future life would be affected in a negative way by having a husband who does not follow Allah's will. I really wish I had the strength to walk away as I kind of know its not right..

It doesnt help that my boyfriend goes out to clubs he has recently stopped doing that so much but does sometimes go out and thinks its ok to do so because he doesnt drink, he also lives about 100 miles away from me and we only see each other on the weekends which has made me consider things sooner than I probably usually would. I really need help please! Do I sound insane considering all these things so young?

How..if at all can I make him want to regain his faith and relationship with Allah? Is it horrible that all I want is to be in an honest relationship with someone who follows Islam fully. I guess I have made my boyfriend to sound like a horrible person, he is not and the fact that he is such an honest, trustworthy, kind and caring man the reason I have stayed so long. But again, I already know that to be wrong. What should I do as I if I left him I would break his heart so much. I really appreciate any advise given and thank you in advance. I am sorry this was such a long post.

Helena

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4 Responses »

  1. Salam .sorry i didnt reading all this because i have so many questions to answer. My wife is a scholor and i am so what learned in certain fields.I was also a revert we say....Listen well and im going to be straight!!!! You should be a sunni muslim and one who follows a school of thought.For eg. i follow Hanafi school of thought out of 3 major schools of thought and they are all correct.These imam and jurist were from the early generations who new and had insight of the generations to come in regards of the way prophet prayed and did certain things and also certain rules purtaining to day to promblems eg..divorce abortion menstrual loans nikkah the list goes on...Anyways you must learn to practice salah and perfect.keep it simple and learn the basics and the rules when to pray and not pray how to make perfect wudu what is the basic dress code .thats why people follow a school of thought because everybody needs a teacher.thats how we make ulema? Next learn quran and practice use ot salah.Dont burden yourself .try to be punctual and constant.Have a schedule a daily routine...this is important! Remeber when you are not thinking of Allah shaitan is always there to attack.So be careful and learn everything you need to know.Always seek advice from the ulema or scholors imams at the mosque . Be careful about the internet and people because we dont know what islam they practice and info they get and nobody besides ulema have that special right to interpret the quran. It is very dangerous especially with so called terrorists and jihadis.These people either are working for agents or learned there Islam in some underground basement by brainwashed nutcase.You see prophet muhammad is our role model..and if you study his life .you will know that he never hurt anyone even hit his wives or children even said a word that could hurt there feelings.He is the best of creation and a perfect eg. for humanity.He loved all and had no hate for anybody even his enemies!!! The best dawah is first by your actions and character.Today people are missing these.If you want someone to change it first has to come on your life first. When you talk be honest and straight to the point and use wisdom with kind soft words.When the companions left there homes and travelled to other countries to give dawah they knew that Allahs help was always there because of there Amal actions....the people like there honesty and good qaulities they possesed so much they had love for them and when they won the heart of the people it was easy for them to except Islam. And you see today sahabas buried as far as china etc..Everybody is in a different shoe so dont lecture them because you have a little knowledge be kind and no that is Allah that changes the hearts.So make lots of dua....We cant force anybody we can remind them about Allah and this life is very short and are duties but be careful there is time and place for everything!!!!

  2. Salamualaikum sister

    Many congratulations on reverting to the deen of fitrah. May Allah swt forgive us all and enter us in jannah aameen.

    I appreciate that your situation is a challenging one however I believe you have made your decision, you are a slave and realise that you are very fortunate to be one.

    Now trust Allah swt and distance yourself from what your heart isn't accepting.

    Allah swt is the controller of hearts and if it's good for you will make this man return to you in a way that benefits your world and afterlife. But the main bit is trust.

    I admire your resolve and masha Allah the strength Allah swt has given you to make this decision. Don't underestimate it, the more you do to please Allah swt the more stronger and at peace you will become.

    Just keep your intention clear, whatever you do, is to earn reward from Allah swt.

    If you haven't already done so I would like you to check out some videos of brother Norman Ali khan, he is an awesome teacher of Quran, his institute is at Irving texas called bayyinah.

    I hope the above is of some help and I'll pray for you. Please pray for me and my family.

    Your brother in Islam
    saqib

  3. I did read your post, I also recommend watching Quran translations by Nouman Ali Khan. I know of another convert like you. She converted sincerely but was with a guy. The guy had family issues and was reluctant to marry her. So she prayed for a good guy and Allah granted her one pretty quickly. She's been married a long time and they're both at the same level in terms of practicing. They do Ramadan and pray regularly, she doesn't think her husband isn't devout enough.

    If this boyfriend is good for your deen and you think he'll make a good match then go for the relationship. The way you describe him though, it doesn't sound like he is a good match. So I recommend praying and asking Allah for a better Islamic match. The convert I know of found her match through the internet, I hope you're able to get someone good as well through any means. May Allah provide a suitable spouse for you.

  4. Salaam+++ sis Helena and Mubarak on having been shown the Straight Path and having reverted to Islaam. Allaah (swt) be Praised!
    I believe your first impulse, to break up with your Zina friend, was from Allaah (swt) and you would have done well to stick with that decision. Especially during the first few years of Islaam a believing and Practicing And knowledgeable spouse is Vital to have in one's life! Will this man, with the good qualities he possesses, be able to offer the kind of support you require? I think Not. Our Prophet (saws) informs us that Salah is the only barrier between a believer and Kufr (unbelief). A perfunctory Friday prayer, I fear, does Not qualify as Salah.

    A man who is not Grateful to Allaah is not likely to appreciate his wife either, nor to support her Growth as a Muslimah. In your shoes I would inform him that your relationship is on hold until he becomes a Practicing Muslim and comes to you ready to do Nikah

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