Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am a Syed girl wanting to marry a Sunni

Can I marry a non-Syed?

Can I marry a non-Syed?


I really need some advice on my situation. It's not complicated. It's actually very simple.

I want to get married to my best friend. This is my fourth year of knowing him and he is the most humble, sensitive and kindest gentleman I have ever come across. I am very lucky to have found someone as caring as him because lets be honest, it's hard to find a decent guy these days. Now the issue my mum has is because we're Syed I am only allowed to marry a syed. A nikkah with a non syed would apparently be haram. He is a Muslim, sunni. He comes from a very religious family but people are so easy to judge. He is the relative of a singer. So straight away people would assume he sings, dances etc. When actually he prays five times a day, attends Jummah every Friday and attends his local mosque on Saturdays.

From the very start he has helped me with Islam and so has his mum. I am not ashamed of it. Because religion is the most important thing in a husband which makes him 10/10 for me. And the fact that I follow his steps and listen to him makes me 10/10 for him.

I have mentioned him to my mum many times but she has had a straight no even before I finish my sentence. We have had 4 arranged marriages in our family before in which none of them have been successful. I know myself I can be the first child of this family that will have a successful marriage Inshallah. But my mum is adamant to get me married to a syed. The man carries the family lineage, so why is it so important for me to marry a syed? My mum has been looking for four years and now I feel that if this year I don't get married it'll be too late. I need advice on how I can come about it with my mum, his mum said she is going to try her very best, so what can she also do to convince mum and if it comes to it and I get my nikkah done because I see myself only with him in the future as we have both carried out istakhara then would I be wrong in getting my nikkah done without my parents permission? I can't be forced into a marriage I do not accept. And if it comes to it and his parents have to agree with mine, then where does that leave me? I am not going to marry anyone else but him. Surely this is my marriage and my decision? What can my next step be? How can i convince my mum & most importantly, how can i convince his mum that I am allowed to marry him without my parents consent in Islam.

Thank you

Khuda Hafiz

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10 Responses »

  1. Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh Sister,

    1. You would like to know how to convince your Mum that you are allowed to marry a non-Sayyid man Islamically?

    2. You would like to confirm the information that you can be married without the consent of your parents in Islam?

    3. You would like to know how to convince the brother's Mum that you can be married to him (Islamically) without the consent of your parents?

    With regard to the first question, you should know that your Mum isn't your Wali and therefore can't approve or disapprove of any proposal you may receive. Your Wali is your father or anyone who represents him from among his close male siblings and so on.

    I'd advise you to learn about the history of Sayed's marriages, starting from the Holy prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) to his children and early grand children.

    See how the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) gave his daughter Hazrat Ruqayyah (radhiyallahu 'anha) to Hazrat 'Uthman bin 'affaan (radhiyallahu 'anhu) in marriage, and then when she died he gave him another daughter (Hazrat Ummu Kulthum--radhiyallahu 'anha) in marriage, knowing that Hazrat 'Uthman was not a Sayyid?

    Also see how the grand children of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) married non-Sayyid women?

    And also, see how the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) himself married women who were not even close to his original tribe?

    Therefore since when did Sayyids stop marrying non-Sayyids? And who innovated this law?

    Explain the above to your Wali gradually. If he still insists on rejecting the proposal, after you have thoroughly and clearly explained that to him, then you may need to involve an Imam or Imams that will agree to stand by your side to advise your Wali. If he still insists on his position, for no valid Islamic grounds, then the Imam/Imams may approach your fiance's family and explain to them how this marriage could take place without your Wali due to his un-islamic grounds to reject this proposal. And then from there, the Imam (or the Qaadi if any) may then be your Wali and complete the nikah procedure for the both of you inshaAllah.

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide the both of you to what is best for you in this life and the next. Ameen!

    • Brother Issah ,

      I think this concept practiced mainly by Barelavi school of thought mainly in subcontinent .

      Just one similar question "What is the importance of Auliyaa " .I see in India People going to Ajmer .I am convinced that asking any thing other than allah is not acceptable and kind of Shirk but just wanted to know what is the view about these Aulia Allahs. (not about practises of barelavi people )

      As per them the some limited power they have is given by Allah and not their own power .

      Just wanted to know what non barelavis think about Wali allah (Ajmer etc) ?? I know i can post separate question but a brief reply will be useful here

      I am just trying to learn about these different schools of thoughts so the question . Jazak Allah

      • Salaam,

        Awliya Allah are literally, Friends of Allah, as mentioned in the Qur'an. In worldly parlance, they are amongst the most devoted people in the world. Known for their Iman, Taqwa, Tawaqqul, Akhlaaq, etc. Anyone can become a waliullah by way of his intentions and amal, i.e. by being steadfast upon the deen of Allah.
        1) By doing things Allah commanded to do, to such an extent that the common people will not.
        2) By avoiding things He has asked to avoid, to such an extent that the common people will not.

        To quickly now speak of the Barelwis, the awliya they look up to, were all mostly, really pious saints, but these people ended up honoring to extents not permissible in Shariah.
        For eg. Building shrines, praying to them, etc. It is actually a huge industry ( a recent movie highlighted that fact, very well.) They had a very deviant leader in the name of Ahmed Raza Khan Barelwi who introduced all the shirkiyyah aqeedah that he imported from Persia and other such countries; while a parallel movement (Deoband - Maulana Qasim Nanotwi) was trying hard to instill tawheed in the hearts and lives of Muslims.

        Allah (swt) speaks to Rasoolullah (saw) in Surah Jum'ah about his mission saying "...yatlu alaihim ayaatihi, wa yu zakkihim, wa yu allihumul kitaba wal hikma.." So Allah, outlined three major tasks to Prophet (saw) here.
        1) Yatlu alaihim ayaati - Recite to them (sahaba) the Qur'an.
        2) "wa yu allihumul kitaaba wal hikmah" - Teach them the Qur'an. Even though, all sahaba knew Arabic, but what this also means is, the deeper meanings. Nowadays, we have people who just insist on following the literal text.
        3) the middle part, wayuzakkihim - Purify them.

        The knowledge of the first part has been preserved by the Qurra (Qaris), who preserved the Qur'an's recitation as it ought to be recited, throughout centuries.
        The knowledge of the second part, the Qur'an and it's meaning was done by the Mufassirs and they preserved that ilm, with Tafasir, etc.
        Likewise, the third part, of Purification is also preserved and being carried forward by the awliya Allah, or more commonly known as the Sufis, who have specialized in the knowledge of nafs and shaitaan and how they distance one from Allah.
        Today there are four major chains of this learning that go back to Rasoolullah (Saw), and we have the sheikhs who have learned through this chain, even today. Like the famous Zulfiqar Naqshbandi sb, and my sheikh, Haji Shakeel Ahmed sb, he has ijazah from all four chains.
        It is very sad though that today Sufism is only related to all the wrong-doings happening in its name, such as the song and dance.
        So, basically, many of these awliyah were the good sufi sheikhs who came to the subcontinent to spread Islam, but shaitaan misled the barelwis into extreme adoration for them. And then the British made it worse by creating further sects like the Ahle-Hadeeth and Qadiyanis. Because, it was actually the Muslims who first made the call for a free India. Maulana Madani had declared Jihad against the British way back in the 18th century, so the unity of Muslims was obviously against their interest.
        It's a long long story, lol.. saying one thing leads to another, and i can go on and on. But I hope i have tried to answer your question.

      • AsSalaam 'alaikum my dear Brother Logical,

        Let's not go too far, my dear Brother. You and I are the true Awliya of Allah, so long as we are continually affirming our iman in Allah, building up our levels of taqwa, loving Almighty Allah, and loving one another for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

        Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

        ''Unquestionably, (for) friends of Allah (i.e. Awliya Allah) there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. (They are) Those who believed (iman) and were conscious of Allah (taqwa). For them are good tidings (e.g. peacefulness in their hearts, seeing good dreams, and sometimes witnessing some miraculous acts of Allah in some of their affairs; to increase their yaqeen/certainty in Allah) in the worldly life and in the Hereafter. No change is there in the words of Allah There is no alteration to the words of Allah. That is the supreme triumph.''
        (Quran 10: 62-64)

        The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

        “Among Allah’s servants (Awliya Allah) are people who are neither Prophets nor martyrs, but whom the Prophets and martyrs will deem fortunate because of their high status with Allah.”

        They asked: “O Messenger of Allah! Inform us of who they are.”

        He said: “They are people who loved each other for Allah’s sake, without being related to one another or being tied to one another by the exchange of wealth. By Allah, theur faces will be luminous and they will be upon light. They will feel no fear when the people will be feeling fear and they will feel no grief when the people will be grieving.”

        Then he read the verse: “Unquestionably, (for) friends of Allah (i.e. Awliya Allah) there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve.” [Sunan Abî Dâwûd (3527)]

        On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu): The Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:

        “Allah, The Most High, said: ‘Whosoever show enmity to a Wali of Mine, I have waged war upon him! My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him; and My servant keeps on coming closer to Me through performing nawâfil till I love him. When I love him I become his sense of hearing with which he hears, and his sense of sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he grips, and his leg with which he walks; were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask for My protection (Refuge), I will protect him..."

        Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

        ''63. The servants of the Merciful (i.e. true Awliya Allah) are those who walk the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say, "Peace."

        64. And those who pass the night prostrating themselves to their Lord and standing up.

        65. And those who say, ''Our Lord, avert from us the suffering of Hell, for its suffering is continuous.

        66. It is indeed a miserable residence and destination."

        67. And those who, when they spend, are neither wasteful nor stingy, but choose a middle course between that.

        68. And those who do not implore besides God any other god, and do not kill the soul which God has made sacred-except in the pursuit of justice-and do not commit adultery. Whoever does that will face penalties.

        69. The punishment will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will dwell therein in humiliation forever.

        70. Except for those who repent, and believe, and do good deeds. These-God will replace their bad deeds with good deeds. God is ever Forgiving and Merciful.

        71. Whoever repents and acts righteously-has inclined towards God with repentance.

        72. And those who do not bear false witness; and when they come across indecencies, they pass by with dignity.

        73. And those who, when reminded of the revelations of their Lord, do not fall before them deaf and blind.

        74. And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us delight in our spouses and our children, and make us a good example for the righteous."

        75. Those will be awarded the Chamber for their patience, and will be greeted therein with greetings and peace.

        76. Abiding therein forever-it is an excellent residence and destination.''
        (Quran 25: 63-76)

        Therefore, as you can see my dear Brother; the Wali of Allah is a person who has believed in Allah (Mu'min), and is conscious of Him (with taqwa--Muttaqi) through his affairs.

        1. He abides with Allah's commands.
        2. He abstains from haram.
        3. He loves Allah and remembers Him through doing dhikr and reading the Holy Quran.
        4. He shows love and mercy to the creations of Allah for the sake of his love for Him (even when they mistreated him).
        5. He performs obligatory religious duties, and much more through nawafil and charities.

        We do not need to follow a particular Sufi order to become Awlya Allah. In fact, the above were the only teachings of the true Awliya Allah. Those Awliya Allah never claimed to have any spiritual chain of transmission going back to the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam), nor did they commanded their students to create sufi orders in their names, nor did they claimed that their graves will be sacred places for seeking blessings in their names...SubhanAllah, what a great deviation we are witnessing today by most modern Sufis!

        In fact, the true Salaf-Sufis (such as Imam Junayd of Baghdad), and those who followed their true path (such as Shiekh Abdul-Qadir Gilani) are really innocent of these innovations and deviations that are being attributed to them. Their true teachings were about real suluk and tazkiyat an-Nafs, in the light of the Holy Quran and Sunnah.

        There have been people who embraced Islam and came along with their old philosophical ideas into Islam, and some others also brought their caste system practices into Islam with new names--this has affected most modern Sufis a great deal.

        As you know, Shaitaan has already promised to destroy any path that may lead to Allah, however, Allah The Almighty Has also promised on the other side to guide His sincere servants who sincerely strive hard in seeking for Him.

        May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make us of His sincere servants and save us from the evil paths of Shaitaan. Ameen!

        This is just a brief response to your question, and I hope that we could discuss further on the topic when we find a related post inshaAllah.

        Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah knows best.

  2. OP: I want to get married to my best friend. This is my fourth year of knowing him and he is the most humble, sensitive and kindest gentleman I have ever come across.........When actually he prays five times a day, attends Jummah every Friday and attends his local mosque on Saturdays.

    What is a best friend? Have you dated him?

  3. No you are wrong , being a syed-girl , islamically, you can marry just about any muslim guy. Sye or non-syed guy it doesn't make any difference. Your family need to know this and not deprive you from getting married to him.

    hope this helps

  4. Salaam Syed girl
    I am a Syed girl too. My parents are looking for Syed matches for my siblings and me too. But unfortunately my older siblings still havent found the right matches despite everyone's efforts. Lesson here is Marriage is in Allah's hands. Next I would say its a great thing to marry a Syed because if you love the Prophet saw you will love his blood too. But it is not necessary. However it is said all Syeds are princes and princesses and the reason why marriage to a syed is recommended is because ill treatment of a syed by a nonsyed after marriage will draw curse from Allah because the ahlebayt are beloved to Allah. However marrying a Syed doesn't guarantee a happy life. Whoever you are destined to marry, which ever path you are driven to take in life, whether you have a good life or not - EVERYTHING is Allah's will. Your mother not agreeing is Allah's will. You will never be happy to marry your Boy without her happiness in it would you? It would gnaw inside you all your life that you went against her. Now I wont say she is right or wrong to say no to your choice. All I will say is that her not agreeing is Allah's will and you not making a rash decision because of your love and respect for your mother is Allah's will. I commend you on that. Now lesson here to be learnt is to be patient. Try to avoid sinning. Don't meet your best friend as often as you do and draw away from him as he is nonmahram. But if you really love him tell him and tell him that when everything works out with your parents that you will hope he is also available. What I mean to say is, just be a good muslim.. I know it is not easy to wait patiently or to stop talking to someone you have intense feelings for. But the fruit of patience is a beautiful reward. And if he really loves you he will also be patient and refrain from sin and you shouldnt even have to tell him that. I think you shouldn't force anyone to accept. Either do things your way and you may or may not regret or wait for Allah's will. The latter requires a very high degree of tawakkul. It is not wrong to want to marry someone of your choice. I know circumstances lead to situations where you fall in love despite leading a most islamic life. No one is perfect. But being aware of your actions and the consequences of these actions and how you fit in the big picture is very important. Because nothing in this world is important. Nothing but your goodness. You can wipe the earth clean and all you will have left with you are your deeds. I will say this to you - dont take matters in your own hands.. look for signs in every event. your parents not agreeing means you need to wait.. after a while you will know if he was right or not for you. Its better to stay single in the end times and a single woman living with her parents is better off than a married woman with a broken heart. These are the end times. Almost all signs of Qiyamah have manifested. I feel abstinence is a good way to purify yourself. Abstain from all contact with him. He will understand if he loves you truly. Abstain from sins. Don't worry about anything . Leave your worries in Allah's hands. Contact me if you need any help

  5. Good answer on #1 with exception of the micro aggressions towards certain group of people. What do you mean it is hard to find a good man these days? We are here!

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