Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am blamed for his suicide attempts


I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years and somewhere I knew it was all haram. We did things which were against Islam. Also my mum knew about our relationship and she never agreed but i always used to fight against her but i used to feel bad. I love my parents therefore i tried breaking up with the guy quite few times but he always threatened me that he'll commit suicide if i breakup and me being an emotional fool i always ended up being with him.

However 6 months ago i Alhamdulillah had chance to go for Umrah and that was the time i realized that this relationship was haram and im just upseting my parents. So i finally broke up with him and decided not to get emotional this time because i know this relationship has no future my parents will never agree and his parents dont support him in anyway. But since i broke up with him he has been attempting suicide.

Its not that I left him alone in this situation, I am constantly trying to guide him through islamic point of view. i have tried everyway i could to make him understand but all he says that he wants to die thats it. His friends blame me for what is happening in his life. He stopped eating and started stayin alone. And he did so many things to kill himself, doctor told him to get surgery but he doesnt listen and I have tried every way to make him understand.

It is like either i go back in his life or else he will kill himself. He says that He committed suicide because of me.

I Really need some help. I Feel like if i wouldnt leave him all of this wouldnt happen to him but i only left him for islam n my parents I cant go back and i dont want to go back but i dont want him to ruin his life like this.

Doctor said in 6 days anything can happen and his friend says if you want to save him come back in his life or just see him dying. i cant stop blaming myself for his condition I dont know what to do. PLZ HELP


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17 Responses »

  1. Salaam aleikum,

    What you only can do is marry him but do first istikhara if he is the right man for you. Only you can make decision And ask allah for help. It is haram to suïcide yourself when its not your time to go And you have to tell him that islam dont accept relationship but only nikah in halal way. Its not your fault What happend to him. You choose for islam And Thats really good.

  2. If you gave up this haraam relationship for the sake of Allah, then rest assured you've done the right thing. What this man is doing is completely wrong in blackmailing you into restarting a haraam relationship with him. Stay firm and tell him/his friends you will no longer indulge in haraam, remind them self harming and suicide are haraam, but you are not at all responsible for his actions. If you feel u want to marry this man (which I would advise against based on his actions) tell him to stop these suicide threats and send his parents over to your house to ask for your proposal in marriage if he is truly serious about a future with you. As you mentioned in your question, his parents are against him marrying you, maybe you giving him this option will make him realise how empty and pointless his threats are as all he is after is a fling with you.

  3. Sister, cut off all communication with him. Now. And don't ask about him ever again.

    If he wants to hurt himself, he is responsible for himself and not you.

    He sounds like a doctor needs to help him with his mental illness and not you.

    Please keep away from him as he sounds like a very unstable, and manipulative person.

    A healthy person would not deal with a break up this way, they would cope much much better. Can you imagine life with this person if you marry them, and they can't deal with the ups and downs of life.

    There is a reason why you are not together, find someone who us healthy, and cut off all communication dear sister.

  4. OP: And he did so many things to kill himself, doctor told him to get surgery but he doesn't listen and I have tried every way to make him understand.

    Can this surgery change his way of life?

    Was he ever happy in your 2.5 years relationship?

    What is the real reason you want to leave him? I am sure your parents opposed the relationship to begin with and what you were doing was against Islam.

  5. AOA Brothers And Sisters,

    First thing first, it is a test from ALLAH (SWT) that how firm are you in making yourself leave this relationship for his sake.

    Secondly the issue you described above is serious, you know when love happens between opposite sex, the love and affection you both have created for each other cannot die so quickly. It takes time to overcome emotional feelings for a person who has spent 2.5 Years with you. In my opinion that if your ready for marriage and he is independent then simply get marriedown ONLY if you think he is not joking and is serious about your relationship. Avoid talking but if it is your desire to be with him then tell him that we won'the talk til it is time for marriage but you won'the marry anyone except him. This may ease him.

    Besides I have a member of my family who was in relationship with a boy but they only talked and avoid every Haram activity such as touching, hugging, zina etc. And after one year they both got married.

    If you are in such kind of relationship then leave it to ALLAH (SWT) and ask him to do what is best for both of you.

    The boy condition is due to that feelings when he probably thinks of you being with another person. It is better to choose that person because if you managed to be in relationship for 2.5 years then you both are sincere I think. Marriage is the best option and if you have to wait an year or two, ask ALLAH (SWT) about what to do.

    ALLAH Knows Best.

  6. Dear Sister Lilly,

    I'll try to explain this issue from a purely Islamic point of view, as this is what we all should try to do all the time.

    It's better for you to end this haram relationship. No one can force you to do haram, if you do it then only you are responsible for this haram relationship and you will have to take the sin. No amount of reasoning or excuses will relieve you of this sin. Having an unmarried relationship is haram.

    Inform him one last time that you are willing to stay with him if he wants to marry you and live with him in a halal relationship and untill he proposes marriage to you , you will cut off all communication with him.

    After that if he commits suicide then you are not responsible for his action Inshallah. He will have to suffer in hell because of his suicide. He has to deal with the consequence of decision to end his life.

    Don't listen to his friends or any one else unless they explain to you in an Islamic point of way. If you get the punishment of this haram relationship in the grave or on the day of Judgement, his friends won't come to save you. You have to deal with the punishment yourself. So think about it.

    So the choice is yours.

    a} End the relationship and live a halal life by avoiding haram relationship.

    b} Stop all contact now and tell him you won't have any communication with him unless he marries you and after marriage live a halal relationship.

    c} Continue the haram relationship without marriage and take the sins for staying in a haram relationship.

    May Allah guide you.

    • Dear Brother Asif, Tell Me One Thing If She Can Save His Life Don't You Think It Is Better Than Letting Him Suicide?

      Hadith Tells Us That: A Man Came To Holy Prophet (PBUH) And Said " I Want To Accept Islam But I Am Habitual Of Zina And If Give Me Allowance Of This In Islam", Hazrat Umer Said " Oh Prophet Of Allah Allow Me To Behead Him" Holy Prophet (PBUH) Said " Umer Calm Down" And He Allowed That Man To Have Zina But Accept Islam And Soon That Man After Accepting Islam Repented From Zina. If It Was Any Typical Molvi Like Today, He Would Simply Not Let Him Accept Islam. That's The Difference Between Today's Molvi Who Preach Islam And Holy Prophet.

      Giving Suggestions Like You Gave Are Not Wrong But Try To Understand The Situation. If This Sister Leaves That Boy For Example And He Suicide, She Will Be Responsible Because She Was In A Relationship With Him For 2.5 Years. Couldn't She Stop At The Very Beginning? It's Better She Just Talks To Him Without Any Such Haram Activity Such As Touching,Hugging, Kissing With Niyat Of Marriage And Saving His Life. Islam Isn't Harsh. There Are Many Times We Have To Bend Things A Bit In Order To Save From A Bigger Sin Like Suicide. If She Committed A Mistake Of Being In A Relationship Then It's To Ask Allah To Naturally Create A Situation That End It Up Rather Then Forcefully Ending Resulting In Suicide And Sister In Thinking She Is Responsible.

      ALLAH Knows Best.

      Sorry Administrator For Writing Every Word With First Letter Capital, I Am Too Habitual Now But Please Forgive Me, Next Time I Will Be Careful.

      • Salaam brother Abdul Qasim,

        Thanks for sharing your point of view on how to deal with the problem our sister is facing.

        All of us make mistakes and all of us commit sins. The reason I asked her to stop all contact with him was because I was trying to prevent her from committing more sins by going back to him. The reason that she was in a relationship with him for 2.5 yrs does not make her responsible for what he does after she breaks up with him. Allah guided her to the right path and now she wants to avoid sins. So she has to do taubah and move forward.

        Anyways, as you have suggested, maybe she can convince him in a good way to marry her and then have a halal relationship and also ask Allah to make a way for both of them to marry each other and live a happy married life Inshallah.

        About the hadith,

        As far as I remember the hadith you mentioned goes something like this,

        A man came to the Prophet (pbuh) and asked to do three things Zina, Alcohol, Lies.
        The Prophet (pbuh) allowed him to do Zina and Alcohol and stopped him from telling lies.
        The man then slowly stopped doing Zina and Alcohol because he felt ashamed to tell the truth to the Prophet (pbuh) that he committed Zina and Alcohol.

        So as per this hadith, both the boy and the girl should tell the truth to their parents and stop lying about their relationship and tell them that they will marry each other. And if their parents ask them to stop the relationship then they should stop and they should not lie that they have stopped the relationship.

        And please be careful about quoting the hadith out of context. Because you are giving some youngsters here who are coming to this website the wrong impression that it is ok to do Zina because once the Prophet (pbuh) allowed it for a man.

        • Dear Brother Asif,

          Firstly, you got me wrong on hadith saying holy prophet allowed man for zina in Islam. this hadith and the hadith you said are different. What this hadith means is that if a "Kafir" wants to accept Islam. Holy Prophet allowed him because he knew that after conversion to Islam, when he will pray Namaz, he will automatically have fear of ALLAH in his heart and he will repent but at least allow him to enter ISLAM, and not leave him to be Kafir for some reason and he dies as Kafir and goes to to hell because when he converts to Islam, ALLAH will have mercy on him and he will have fear of ALLAH in his heart and he will slowly leave all bad deeds.

          Secondly Brother Asif,

          You cannot clap from one hand, both hands are necessary for the clap. Similarly both are responsible, repentance to ALLAH is different than solving the situation. Like I told you sometimes, we have to bed matters a bit to save someone from bigger sin.

      • Abdul Qasim.

        I have seen you quote hadith without adequate reference (here and on another post). It is by the nature and content of the hadith you have quoted above that i am curious to its origin. Could you please let us all know the hadith number from Sahih Al Bukhari?


  7. As-salamu alaykum sister,

    You did ABSOLUTELY the right thing by ending your relationship with the boy and seeking a halal lifestyle that will please Allah.

    You should cut all contact with the boy, completely. Explain to him one time that you are ending contact with him because you want to be a better Muslim. After that do not email him, call him, or text him. If necessary, change your email and phone number and deactivate your social media profiles, if you have any.

    His so-called suicide attempts are only a kind of emotional blackmail. He is trying to control you by making you feel guilty. I guarantee that if you were not in contact with him, he would not make such suicide attempts. He only does it for the purpose of manipulating you.

    Also, you are doing wrong to him by staying in contact with him. By staying in contact, you give him hope of winning you back, and you prevent him from getting over you and moving on. The only right thing to do in this situation is end all contact.

    Furthermore, you are NOT responsible for anything he does. Allah says in the Quran, "wa laa taziru waaziraton wizraa ukhra". - "and no one shall bear the burden of any other."

    Leave the man alone, and move on with your life. Once you are gone, he can do the same.

    Wael Editor

  8. Dear sister

    It is very good good of you to have much concern of the guy's problem. These days when relationship go sour, most will just run and hide. Leaving the other broken and hanging at the edge. It shows there is good in you.

    Allah has already provide you a way out of this mess and reclaim your dignity. How? By helping him and stop any further transgression to His Law.

    Now, first let us address your ex problems. You see, i was once like him. You should know, his pain are immense ( getting shot and maimed is better in his mind ) and him blaming you is a way for him to release the shock and pain that he felt the moment you decide to leave him. It is not something you want to go through. But fear not, with your honest effort and his, everything can be set aright.

    In order for you to play your part. You MUST avoid any contact with him, his family, his friends and anyone that might know him. This is so that he will not be able to hear,see or know what you are doing or say. His pain is actually getting worser the more you are in contact with him even though you tried to help him in your way. Forget about it. Even looking or hearing about you will make his condition worser. Adhere to Allah's Book, stop talking to males except when necessary ( theres another reason for this, so that your ex wont have to accidentally see his temporary nightmare happened in front of him ).

    Pray sincerely not hard to Allah to help you gt out of this mess. Without your presence in his life, he will be able to clear his head and ponder upon the events that happen in the past better ( hopefully, with Allah's light ). But before this can happen he will have to go through hell. Should he succeed i can assure you he will realize the futility of holding on and began focusing on The One. Only then you will be able to decide wether to marry him or not should you choose to. However in my opinion, he would likely reject but nevertheless you will feel relief and the guilt will pass slowly.

    And finally take heart of this incident. Know that there is a reason for everything that Allah has forbidden. That reason i leave it up to you to find out. It should be easy to grasp at this point. Congatulate yourself and thank Allah for giving you strength to end this relationship and compassion for the concern you show to your ex. Remember not to squander this. Ponder on Allah's Justice. Although His Mercy is higher than His Wrath. Remember, His Justice is not His Wrath. Therefore focus on that honesty in your heart and stop having any relationship with males. Insyaallah your guilt will go away over time. I assure it is not impossible.

    Let me share with you my story. A summary of it. Like your ex, i too have been left by someone. And that someone is a non muslim. To add insult to injury, now that someone has found another one. My nightmare turned real many times in front of my eyes. You can imagine the rest of the story. But praise Allah i made it through and found something better. Your ex can do it too.
    Stop the blaming yourself and focus on the way Allah has showed you.

    I will pray that both of you pass through this in a better way than i did.

    • "In order for you to play your part. You MUST avoid any contact with him, his family, his friends and anyone that might know him. This is so that he will not be able to hear,see or know what you are doing or say. His pain is actually getting worser the more you are in contact with him..."

      I fully agree.

      Wael Editor

  9. Oh now I read carefully. Listen sister, if you know your parents are not going to agree and neither his parents support him to marry you then there is no good in keeping such a relationship.

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