Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am confused over my divorce

hijabi sister

I am 24 years old and have a 2 year and 7 months old daughter. My husband was a catholic but converted himself to islam to marry me. Though my family was against our marriage later they were fine with it. three months after marriage I found out that he was a drug addict. He never could do a job for more than few weeks and he would mentally torture me asking for money. I loved him truly and honestly and went through a lot of humiliation and pain because of his addiction. I had to borrow money from people I know to pay his debts. He pawned everything he could to get money for his drugs.

It was his parents who financially supported us and there were always physical fights and between him and his father because he used to steal things and money. Several times he was taken for treatments and though he promised never to go back to it it was always lies. He continuously tortured me mentally asking for money and making me borrow from everyone I knew. I once took the medicine he was using and was not in my usual senses for days. I cut my hand, burnt myself with his cigarettes and fell on his feet begging him to stop. I said we will go somewhere far away and live if he wants to if being in the city is dragging him towards it.

He even was in a rehab center for one and a half months but he never stopped. I threatened him with divorce but although he always cried and asked me to forgive and give him another chance, he never changed. Once I even went looking for the place where they sold these drugs and cried and begged them not to sell these stuff its ruining my whole life. After sometime they had left the place. During this time I got pregnant and came to be with my mum as I was suffering with morning sickness for all of the 9 months. even during this time his mental torture did not cease. When my baby turned 4 1/2 months I decided to find myself a job because my in laws who were supporting us were in the attitude of I have to take care of him no matter what his behavior was as they were supporting me. I stopped every help I received and did my job.

I always completed my duties as a wife and always tried to help him get over it. I begged him to find a job and take care of me and my daughter because I did not want to work. I wanted to be a house wife and take care of my family. But he only ignored me and said he was trying. In this stage my mum and brothers were begging me to divorce him that they will take care of me and my child. But I loved my husband more than anything and I could not think of a life without him. I wanted him to be a good father to my daughter and for us to have a have a happy family. But things got bad to worse.

He had stolen things from a neighbors house and was remanded and then beaten by the police and I had to look after him as he was wounded. At this stage life was so hard because my baby refused to take anything else other than my milk. I filled bottles of my milk in the mornings before i left to work and was having a terrible time there too. when i come home as i set foot after 08 hours work and crushed in heavily crowded buses after office hours my mum will show me the bottles with the untouched milk as the baby had refused to take them in. I will bathe and nurse my baby till the next day morning without any sleep.

At this stage my father in law threatened me that he will take away my child if i dont take good care of his son. This is when I decided to go ahead with the divorce. I got separated from him and during this period he and his family begged me and promised me they will make him a good man and will give me back the husband i want and the father I wanted for my daughter. But my mother and brother who were suffering seeing me suffer made me firm in my decision.

Although I loved him I had no choice as I felt someday I will have only Allah and my family with me. When I refused to listen to him and when I refused to see him he feared that this time things were not easy for him and somehow his family and friends got him into the rehab for one year. During this time I got my fasah divorce. I was taking care of my daughter with my job and I thought I got over my husband and was able to forget him. But when he returned from the rehab he wanted to meet me to confess and give promises to take care of me and my child. But I never met him nor did I have any kind of communication with him. The time he was allowed to see my daughter while I was away my daughter who knew that everyone had a dad was thrilled to know she had a dad too and she wanted his love.

She was overwhelmed and happy with his presence. I realized then that I still love him too and a great urge to see him and talk to him was emerging. But I am still able to control myself. He has fallen on the feet of my brother and pleaded with him to give him another chance to make up for all what I went through. My whole family says no. That I am already divorced and there is no more chances. They are planning to give me in marriage again soon. But now deep inside I feel that I should give him another chance. But my mum says no way. They will find a good husband for me insha allah who will be a good husband as well as a good father. But I highly doubt that. Who ever it be will never be able to fulfill the love of a father.

I don't want to go through another turmoil in my life. My daughter needs her father and now I am having second thoughts about the divorce. I dont know if divorcing him was the right decision I took and now how can I build up my future with my daughter?? I have no faith in a marriage to another person. But I have to be obedient to my family too. They ask me what guarantee I have that he will not go back to drugs and torture me the same way again. I am now in a state of depression. I have ruined my whole life and now my little daughter also is a victim.

What do I do now?? Please advise me. I am crying even while I am typing.

~Worried

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6 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaykum,

    You didn't ruin anything. You did what was right and divorcing him was the best thing you could do for your child, yourself and the safety of everyone. Imagine what it would have been like for either of you to have been arrested for child endangerment by law enforcement, if he had drugs in the house. Imagine what would have happened if the child had ingested drugs that her father had left around the house, herself. And just imagine if he had gone into debt to a drug dealer and your family had been victimized by them. Quite frankly, I think you got away just in time and Allah (swt) is what saw you through.

    This part made me cringe with anger hat you wrote: At this stage my father in law threatened me that he will take away my child if i dont take good care of his son.

    I suspect that his parents knew something about his addiction all along and were used his marriage to you as his "get sober" method. Horrible. There's not much I can say about them and how they basically supported his drug abuse problem. It wasn't until you left that they saw there was no other choice than to get him cleaned up. Unfortunately, they didn't think of that beforehand.

    Before you think that another man will not love your child, remember that you do not know what Allah (swt) does and that He will provide a husband for you if you are willing to trust in Him fully. I have known men, who took their stepchildren as their own, becoming great fathers and fostering an amazing love between them. The issue is to find that special man and please know that there are many of them out there. Your child will love him just as much, though perhaps you should allow your ex-husband supervised visits while you get full legal custody. Keep in mind everything I wrote in the first paragraph.

    Listen, I believe that people deserve second chances, but not at the expense of others. And definitely not at the expense of finding out when a child is there. It's hard to say, but it seems that you endured so much and battled with his addiction more than he did for a few years. It's hard to face it regarding your feelings, but you need to remember that, too. In my opinion, your family already knows what you went through and they don't want to see it happen again. You risk losing their future support if he relapses.

    However, if you want to think about this more, you need to be really honest with the situation and look at it from a practical point of view by answering these questions:

    1. Is he practicing Islam?
    2. Does he take regular drug tests to confirm that he is clean and sober as a condition of rehab?
    3. If not, is he willing to prove his sobriety by taking regular urine tests through home kits for you?
    4. Is he gainfully employed to support a family?
    5. Is he willing to provide a home for his family on his own?
    6. Are his parents financially supporting him, as his crutch, any longer?
    7. Has he gotten rid of his old friends?
    8. Does he have new friends and, if so who are they?
    9. What does his rehab sponsor say on this matter? Do they think your husband has reformed?

    These questions are meant to separate your feelings from the reality of what he has done and what he needs to do to not only reform himself, but to be a good Muslim husband and provide for you. Think of him not as the man you once love to endure all that agony, but as you would any prospective partner, instead. Imagine that a strange man comes into your life with all those problems you know about and asks for your hand in marriage. Would you say "yes" so freely?

    That is the point of all of this. If it wasn't for the few moments of happiness surrounded by the hell you went through, would you accept anyone else who had the same past record?

    Answer that objectively, seeking guidance from those who love you, and you have your answer.

  2. although he is converted to islam, i m sure he is not following the same. he did that just to marry you and to use you. personally he may not be honest to you. why you trust such type of men. he is using you. better is to get divorce and search another good spouse................

  3. Message from the author worried:

    Assalamu Alaikum!!!

    May Allah bless you for all the advice i have received. I have been reciting Surah Bakarah daily after Magrib prayers as I was adviced to it. I had no contact with my husband till we launched a police complain when he was continuously bothering my brother demanding for chance to talk to me. At the police inquiry before I wads able to talk he told the whole story of what he did to me in the past. He regrets all his mistakes and that he has now reformed and was begging me for a chance to prove him self. He told me for the first time in his life he realized what was important to him and seeing our daughter's playfulness he desperately wants his family back. I told that this was all just words as usual and I have no trust in them. at this stage he said that he is not requesting me to come and live with him now he just wants a chance to prove that he is a good husband and father. the office in charge of this inquiry asked me to rethink for once as he has been away to reform himself and now he has realized the real purpose of his life. the OIC herself made him take note of the things he has to work hard on to gain my trust and they were of the similar grounds of the 09 questions you wanted me to think and answer in the previous post . he accepted them. finally he pleaded me to give him time to prove that he is a good muslim husband and father and the day he has succeeded in gaining the confidence of me and my family to come to him. he begged me to give him a hope that i will accept him under these conditions but i did not say anything. He is allowed to see our daughter twice a month to a relatives house at one of these visits he had told my mother that he is now taking guidance of some Moulavis who are teaching him Islam as well as who have promised to help him to come up in life as a True Muslim. He wanted my mother to convey to me that he is keeping to his promises and he is begging for a word of hope that we will be one family again. Except for my mother the rest of my family wants me to get married soon and leave the country. they are pressurizing on this. but I am not ready to do that. They say that at the age of my daughters marriage if people find out that he is a convert it will blast her future. but if her adoptive father is a born muslim and is in a good respective position this issue will not occur. I have not taken any decisions about anything. I keep on to my prayers and trust Allah to guide me to the right path. I need advice on what I should do now? Can I think of giving him a chance to prove himself??

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Thank you Sister Sara for updating this post from the author.

      Dear Sister Worried, though your other family members give reasons to seek another marriage, they are not using the principles of Islam and instead are relying on conjecture and culture. Fpr those reasons, I would not recommend you to follow their advice.

      However, Alhamdulillah, I am encouraged to read of the latest developments because this gives you time to reflect and think about yourself, your past marriage and your child. It gives you time to think not only of what a man should mean to you as your husband, but also want you want to see in his character and his deeds. It's a time to say, "this is what my love is worth and I am not giving it away so easily." This does not mean that you turn a cold heart or into a stone against your ex-husband, but merely to keep you aware of any man who would ask for your hand in marriage.

      Insha'allah, I think your mother is doing the right thing and there is great wisdom behind it. And here is where the opportunity lies for her and more importantly, your father who should act as your wali. Due to the fact that your heart is susceptible to this situation and that you need to be cautious and guarded, ask your father to spend time with your ex-husband, visit the mosque with him and get to know more about his new life. Your father should act just as a wali should by looking act for your interests and seeing if your ex-husband is of good character. This will take time and I encourage you all to go patiently and steadily. There should be no rush into any decisions at this time. For if it needs to take a year, then so be it.

      By following the guidance of a wali, this is per Islamic tenets and Subhan'allah, within the guidance of the All-Wise and the Most Merciful Allah (swt). I strongly urge you to make use of this practice of Islam in this matter, provided of course that you wish to gauge where your ex-husband is truly at in his life.

      I would also encourage you dear Sister, to start evaluating your life and envisioning how you wish for it to unfold 2, 5 and 10 years from now. It should not be in conjunction with any man in mind, but for yourself so that this becomes a part of the conditions of your nikkah, whoever the potential husband will be.

      Be calm and steady in this time. There is no need to rush and of course, make dua to Allah (swt) every step of the way. For it is Allah (swt) that has protected you and helped you during this time. Surely the Most Magnificent Lord helps his righteous servants.

      • I forgot to mention, that if you consider your ex-husband any further, there is the issue of his family to be dealt with. Their behavior was neglectful, hurtful and dangerous even. So this also needs to be taken into account concerning your decisions and how they would interact with you, your marriage and your child in the future.

  4. Your husband is now remorseful of is bad actions, and now he's asking you to give him another chance so that he could prove himself to you.. If i would say my truth and honest advice, i dont think there is anything best you can do now than to accept him and give him another chance... Hes already a changed man now, and i would advice you never to consider marrying another person for now... You dont even know the real character of the man your family want you to get married to., unless you leave with him as his wife, you will never know his true nature for now.. Think about this... You took the decision of your family and marry this other man. In some ways, you now discovered that he is even worse than your present husband (eg he beats you, always harsh on you, never care about your feelings , never accept his mistake, always try to find fault in you etc) ... {This are most of the problems with arranged marriage in many cases.} and by this time, you have already lost your remorseful and changed husband. What would you do by then??? ... So rethink sister.. Give him another chance and see whether he is true to his words... if he fails to abide to is words, then you can get another divorce, and also get married to another parson asap.

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