I am confused and lost
I thought it would be best if I highlighted all my issues for someone that can offer me some learned advice:
- I'm selfish
- I don't do what's expected of me
- I live a haraam lifestyle
- Question my faith
- I lie to shield my insecurities
- I've fallen for a Christian girl
I'm selfish because my parents have sacrificed so much for me but I'm contemplating on leaving the country for better prospects and lifestyle. My grandparents migrated here for the same reasons I want to leave. Being the eldest son, I've always wanted to uphold my responsibilities to my parents but if I do migrate, I'm unsure if my parents would come with me. My father has a business he's built over many years and my mother doesn't speak a word of English, a member of a very tight nit community and settled in her ways.
Do I sacrifice my dreams and ambitions to live up to my responsibilities or will I resent my parents for it? Does it have to be one or the other?
At this moment in time I'm only a Muslim by name. I drink, eat haraam food, I don't pray, there is really no difference between me and a non-Muslim. The majority of my friends are non-Muslims and the few friends that I do have that are Muslims are non practising as well, so I find myself divulging in haraam activities as a social norm. I told all my close friends that I've quit alcohol today but they don't understand the logic behind it and laughed it off.
How can I increase my imaan without becoming a social outcast? I like the fact I have friends from many cultures and backgrounds and surrounding myself with devout Muslims would quite honestly bore me.
I find myself making excuses for my actions by questioning certain aspects of my faith. Things like 'what kind of a god would create me just to worship him?', 'are all my good hearted friends going to burn in hell for eternity just because they follow a different faith?', 'why does god care about us consuming meat that was prepared a certain way?' 'why is evolution such an evil idea?', 'why is god offended when women don't cover their hair?'. These are just a few questions that roll around in my head. It would be nice if someone can give me an Islamic answer as I know we're a religion of logic.
Telling petty lies about myself has almost become a part of my daily routine. I don't know why I do it, maybe I want people to see me as something 'better' as I don't feel the person I am is good enough. I live in a very sexualised society, I'm not a virgin but by no means am I someone that enjoys sleeping around with random women. But living in a house with seven other guys, keeping a tally on the number of women you've bedded almost influences your ranking in 'lad mentality'. How do I become more confident in my own person not to resort to constantly telling petty lies?
My last question is the most important one. I always saw myself doing what is expected of me and marrying a traditional Muslim woman who's a virgin, wants to be a housewife and help look after the kids and my parents. Every woman I've ever dated has been non-Muslim and the person I'm currently seeing is a pretty devout Christian. She has a beautiful personality; modest, kind hearted, shy, loving, and everything I could expect in a life partner except:
- She's not a Muslim and from many discussions I can't ever see her converting to Islam. I've heard people say that 'people of the book' don't have to convert but then wonder how do they raise their children? Can a Christian mother really teach her children Islamic values?
- She's slept with one other person and that really bothers me. I've always wanted to be the one and only for my wife but feel like someone's taken that opportunity from me. We love each other but will this niggling feeling get stronger?
- Do interfaith marriages work? I've told her I'm going to become a practising Muslim and she is aware of what that entails and she's told me she'd support me in it as long as I don't expect her to change.
- Is she worth risking my relationship with my family?
Thank you for taking the time to read this, as you can tell there's a lot on my mind and many decisions that need to be made. Decisions that will significantly impact my life and of my loved ones. I needed someone's impartial advice as everyone around me has their own agenda.
I'm going to Jummah this Friday, pick up a prayer timetable, figure out which way Makkah is and ask Allah to forgive me and guide me. I look forward to reading your advice.
Sincerely
A very confused and lost brother.
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Dear confused brother,
Welcome to this site and thanks for taking your time to share some aspect of your life which is giving you hard time to live life happily and in peace.
First and formost, please fo not form another unlawful relationship with a girl, let it be this good christain girl. If you want to do anything and anything at all is that you should purify your heart and soul. This is what you need to seek right now. If you already formed a relationship with this respected christain girl then please take this advise and kindly break it off. Not because she is christain but because girlfriend and boyfriend is,totally against Islam and if you establish this break up then inshaAllah Allah may see your sincerity and guide towards His path- something that you need the most right now.
Second thing, you should do is leave behind all your bad influenced friends, let them be non-muslim or muslim. Put a stone on your heart and leave these friends of yours. Take this opportunity and start to care about yourself- your soul only!
Third thing you should do is become part of your Muslim community. Yes, I have acknowledged that you find muslims t he practising ones boring but you need to learn to understand that the reason you are finding them uninteresting and no fun is because your heart is FILLED with this worldly temptation. Brother, you need to help yourself to get closer to Allah only. pick up the Quran-e-paak with translation and read. Allah (swt) is talking to you when you are reading the Quran. Allah's message is not with any people other than the Quran. If you are finding it hard to understand the ruling then attend Islamic talks, talk to a good practising muslim brother who has a lot of knowledge and understanding about Islam as well as heart/soul- the spirtuality side. Brother you need and really need to this for your soul but most importantly Allah (swy). You are in NEED of Allah, we ALL are in NEED of Allah.
Please good or bad start doing your prayers. You need to prove to Allah (swt) that you are sincere worshiper.
Please make alot and a lot of Tawbah to Allah swt for disobying Him a lot.
Dear brother I would write but inshAllah there are other respected member on this site to give you insightful advise and when they do please take it on board.
Thank Allah (swt) for directing you to this helpful site. please do not give up hope onAllah (swt). All try your utmost to please Allah alone and no one else.
May Allah (swt) make your towards His path easy. And brother, you never know inshaAllah you may become a very good practi si ng muslim brother that other muslims may come to you for an advise : ). Please do not give up HOPE on Allah (swt( Become firm with your emaan, iA'
Look aftet yourself a lot and a lot. Allah loves those who is voluntary takes care of their soul.
inshaAllah, if possible, see you around.
My best wishes,
Parveen
Dear Striving Brother, Asalaamualaykum,
I cannot reply to you in full at the moment, but what I will say for now is that the guilt you are feeling and the desire you have to want to change - even though you don't know how, shows the light in your heart. Your honesty and guilt about feeling confused and lost, your quest to find answers and your deep desire to better yourself are your first steps towards success. It is so hard to point fingers at one's self, but this is something we must all do to take account and improve.
InshaAllah, you will not be judged here Brother. InshaAllah you will find the help here that you are so desperately looking for. May Allah make open your heart to understanding and to change.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, my beloved brother,
Masha´Allah, so much sincerity has got to my heart directly, you are already on track, you are blessed with the Light that guides a believer to the straight way, Alhamdulillah.
Insha´Allah, all your doubts will dissapear with every salat you do, reading, reciting and writing the Quran, learning about the Sunna, learning the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes, little by little, it will take months, years, a whole life, but we count with every breathing we take for sure then to begin and keep going step by step is your task.
Related to this girl, more you know about your deen, you will see how far you are one of the other, she is a wonderful human being but the test will come when the children are born. Religion is on the marrow of the bones and the hardest tests for a human being comes through their children, for you as well as for her, none of you deserve that suffering.
I deeply advice you to follow your Heart and go deeper in your deen getting closer to Allah(swt), be the muslim you are called to be and find the muslimah that is called to be your wife and the mother of your children, Insha´Allah.
Related to your dreams to go out, talk to your family directly, tell them your dreams and be open to their thoughts, don´t fight, just expose what you think and you will be surprised of their reaction and more than all of your own reaction. You are not the selfish man you believe you are, you have a soft, loving heart and your questions shows it directly, masha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) help and guide you to stay on the straight path and take your steps to be the muslim you are called to be and show you the way to the muslimah you are called to be with. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaam Walekum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu Brother,
Beginning with your most important question whether to marry the christian girl or not? And the right answer for YOUR CASE would be not to marry her, and leave her alone.
Now lets turn back to first question: the one related with you migrating to another place. I am quite sure your definition of better lifestyle would be closely related to what you have told us.About 8 years ago I left my homeland.From my experience so far I can say, migrating causes problem to the person who does it and not to the ones who are left behind back home.Your family must be against your decision so thats why you are hesitant about making a decision.If you have means of earning Halal Rizk by being at Home, through your father's business or through your own education and skill then I suppose moving out would only deprive you from the most noble act : i.e. of serving your parents.
They only have some days of sorrow, and after that they get used to it.If your thinking was little bit different than what it is now, then your this question would be: How would I adapt myself to new world I am going in without getting influenced by foreign culture?Sadly thats not your question So i would not bother to say anything about it except that, The Man who was and is and will remain the best ever the Sky had sheltered ( May Allah be well pleased with Him and Bless Him) has said: Journey is a kind of torture ( Azaab).We shall talk more about it when we come to your questions about faith.
Next answer is for your question about increasing Imaan.My brother Imaan is submition not subscription.By submitting one willingly by blessings of Almighty accepts Him to be His lord Obeying His commandments and refraining from his prohibition in all circumstances is what it is called practising Islam.And your question is like subscribing to a Islamic satellite T.V. with couple of socialising channels in it.I have mentioned it so that you can realise what you are getting and what are you asking, how different it is.Although I am no one to comment on that, Almighty says in Quran:" Do not you remember what was your own condition, and how did you start , before being shown the straight path.So think before you say anything to any beginners in Islam."
Brother if you read Quran you will learn that Almighty only prevents us from socialising till the time our own faith is not strong.Tell me how could Islam spread if people did not move out. From Our Prophet ( May Allab Bless Him and Shower peace on Him),His Companions( May Allah bless them all) until righteous people ( May Allah Have mercy upon them) Till the date,every one moved out, socialised and by looking at them , the difference in how they do their day to day affairs, people submitted, and accepted Islam.But before socialising they trained themselves through Teachings of Quran and Exemplary Practices of Our Prophet ( May Allah Bless Him and Shower peace upon HIm).They perfected their faith and then were given task of handling misguided people.
Brother I was ashamed to see you feeling so weak.Even our sister's who post here although in distress show more strength.You are a man my brother.And Almighty Himself mentions in Quran: "Although both men and women are same , Men are officers,so that they do good and command good ".But I feel sorry for you.You may find a muslim pious friend boring, but he remains like that because He is serving commandment, and He is sure about what he is doing.You talk about being in a room with 10 odd guys who bombard you with things which are prohibited in Islam and thats how you get corrupted.As you mentioned in your post, You lie,then this is that lie.Ask yourself do they catch you, and hold you forcefully to be with them? Are you or your family dependent on those roommates of yours for livings? If answer is no then they are just scapegoats for your willed liking for these bad acts.If you are really sorry about your lifestyle then next thing you would see is you are out of them.If not then you still want to remain confused, ignorant.You know although an average muslim is boring but he has strength to give up whatever bad He sees in his life.As He believes that He represents for Allah The Almighty on this earth.And The Saviour and best among us had a strength of 30 MEN at the age of 60 when He was blessed with 11 Wives.Although there is no comparision between Him and your ranking in your room,this fact was just for your knowledge.Now ask your self which state is better being boring but pious, or Filthy and confused,lost.?
Dont think that these are mere words, this is my personal experience of living in a group which is far far away from Islam, and in a profession where seldom you get to hear Salaam, or a meet a muslim.And by Allah's Grace At 29 , I am still physically virgin , pious, and there are 20 odd people non muslims,on this ship, who respect me, for how I live with them, without compromising a bit on my religion.Its not me what they respect , its through my acts, the teachings of Islam that they see and respect.They respect the guy who mixes with officers and crew , greets them, talks to them, laughs with them, works with them.And as Allah has promised if one does what is commanded ,whichever place he stays, the evil from there will go off and leave Him in peace.And thats only after I was guided and trained by Allah.There was a time in my life when I could not answer which is the first month of Islamic calendar year 8 years back.The day any muslim is blessed at least with my kind of faith( AS I BELIEVE MINE IS THE WORST AMONGST MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN ISLAM) one can afford to be not a social outcast.
My brother evil was inside me, my heart.I had given him the right to dictate my body and to keep my soul in prison.And once Islam was shown to me by Allah Rabbil Izzat,I had to revolt , break all contacts of my heart, to throw away its governement and free my body and soul and hand over the Command to Teachings of Islam..It takes time and lot of hard work.My brother You are at this stage, I will pray that you shall reach far ahead of me and others and act as a light house for us.Aameen.
My brother when I started on this path I didnt have a mosque around me, which would remind me of Salat's time, atleast you have that.When I started I didnt have a company who are into practising islam and one cannot go out of ship for periods like 6 months, but atleast you can move and find people.If Allah Rabbil Izzat can help me, the He will surely Help and guide you.If you believe this that is called faith.Your question about your good hearted friends and hell : If you learn Quran you will see Allah subhaanwataala is saying,
What concern has Allåh for your punishment if you are thankful and believe? Allåh is All-
Thankful, All-Knowing. (4:147)
For your knowledge there is mention in Quran about rewards of good work of people of Faith.
And for you He says in Quran:
Follow not desire, lest it lead you astray from Allåh’s path. (38:26)
Whoever is dutiful toward Allåh, He prepares a way out for him, and provides for him from
sources he could never imagine. And if anyone puts his trust in Allåh, He will suffice him.
(65:2,3)
'what kind of a god would create me just to worship him?',
Allah Subhaanwataalla, does not like to see people with face in fear, He has created us to know how he is.If you believe in Quran, You will realise that we all were in realm close to Him once and from there we have come to earth just to pass a short time, and know how are lord is.Tell me one thing when do you realise importance of something when it is with you or if it is not with you?Angels are with Him they dont know, we are here far away from Home, so we can know how it is to miss home.
'are all my good hearted friends going to burn in hell for eternity just because they follow a different faith?',
I bet you as a muslim, Inshaallah if any one of your friend is good hearted and does good then his work will be surely paid by Allah.He has promised Jannah for people of book in Quran, and He says in Quran :There is no one more true to words than Him,Also tell me, if you cannot bear your girl firend for being slept with one guy, think of reasons why Allah should accept people who sleep with many Gods, who do nothing for them.would you like to marry your sister to a cassanova?
'why does god care about us consuming meat that was prepared a certain way?'
Everything a human body consumes, through eyes, mind, ears, heart has effect on it, if you have reached this far in my reply then that might be having some effect on you.And you know what Halal way is scientifically proven best for Humans.I have many non muslim friends who find muslim preparation of food better than their own.Thats only tongue part. Now effect on body: What will happen to you if you drink more cough syrup, although its medicine for cough, you will feel drowsy.Same here food in certain form affects your thinking ability, and for your kind information food is also one of addiction, and Nasha( Drugs).If not Eat today two plate full of biryani and see for yourself!Similarly spicy food it activates acidity, and thinking problems in a person.In same way a food on which Allah's name was not taken affects your faith.After consistent eating one tends to feel lazy in acts of worship.
'why is evolution such an evil idea?
I am an engineer with thorough knowledge of science and engineering, but you know what the day I read the verse about biological reproduction concept in Quran , which came through the heart of an illiterate man born 1400 years ago, (when the so called science must be in its womb), I said to myself This is true religion.I better stop asking questions as I see only my doom if I keep on asking questions.
', 'why is god offended when women don't cover their hair?'.
Do you believe in angels? There are angels as per Quran Also.And some have task of protection of human being from evil.If you read life excerpts of Prophet Ibrahim you would see that his enemies were not able to throw him in fire, because of angels.As per Quran angels are there always protecting people.and Allah does not change it unless people change their own condition: i.e. these angles have limitations they cannot stand strong smell, acts of nudity, Zina, woman Hairs, Pictures of living things in Houses etc.Its actually for their own protection my dear brother.Allah subhaanwatala has nothing to do with as He says:
If you be thankful then it will be for your own good that I will accept it.I have those who are always in my remembrance, for me, set aside.
You know what like you I had one question: I had seen a bird in middle of ocean flying relentlessly, trying to reach somewhere, I was thinking who is feeding her, how could she fly so far?And guess what when I read Quran I found this Aayat Addressing my question: did not you see birds spreading and closing their wings in sky? they are all under my command.
Brother you might have hundreds of questions and hundreds of answers, but if you miss three important questions before the grave than I would say those hundred questions and answers tricked you into being a loser.
Allah Hafiz wa Nasir.
Ma sha Allah good said
Dear Confused,
I understand your conflicts and doubts, I was there once too. However, my friends are still my friends though I drink very rarely now. (I am a Christian by the way). I put away my more hedonistic lifestyle, started dressing more modestly, do not seek male attention, and work hard on my inner soul to please God. I used to ask questions, led an immodest lifestyle etc. So I completely understand where you are.
As for marrying your Christian girlfriend, I can only give you my example. I dated a Muslim for two years and we truly cared for one another and discussed marriage. In the end though, we parted ways for the sake of unborn children. I know how hard it is to be raised in a house with two parents that were Christian, but of different denominations and beliefs within Christianity...so I could not subject my children to being under two faiths similar in some ways, but very different in other ways. My ex-boyfriend felt the same way and allowed his parents to arrange his marriage from his home country. It was not an easy decision and there was much pain involved, but one that I know was right for us.
As for your parents, that will be a decision only you can make. If you worry about their well-being, perhaps you all could reach a compromise of sorts. That is not something I have had to face personally being that I was raised to be very independent of my family and they do not expect me to cater or take of them in the present time. When they are older and infirm, is when I will take care of them.
I hope this helps a little bit.
Confused,
When it comes to your friends and the drinking to feel included I understand in a way where you are coming from, I know that in Western culture, not sure where you are, it seems that every social activity involves drinking, people meet at bars, go to clubs, house parties etc where drinking is involved even outdoor activities such as bbqing become a drinking event. It is hard to be the one to not be drinking and to wonder how people will actually handle it if you do quit drinking. My advice would be to first evaluate your friendship with them, are they really friends or are they drinking buddies? It took me awhile to learn how to separate the two, that I had friends that I only say and spent time with if I was drinking, but my real friends were the ones who did not care if I was drinking or not, who came over to just hang out and watch movies, and not pressure me to drink. If they are your real friends they will support your decision and and not try to pressure you into drinking, and not exclude you from activities where people will be drinking.
In my personal opinion questioning ones religion, beliefs and culture is a normal part of ones maturing. It provides you with an opportunity to learn more about your religion and to really understand it. This is my personal opinion. I think everyone at some point in time will evaluate their beliefs, and once the process is through hopefully you will have a stronger belief in your faith and be more confident in it because you understand it better.
As for marrying your christian girlfriend, like all marriages, inter-faith or not, you must not think just with your heart but also your head. What will the future be like for you and your children and your wife, would you be ok with raising the children in two faiths, would she be ok with raising the children muslim, what will happen during holiday time and so many other things, such as baptism, possibly schools that your child(ren) will go to. My fiance is muslim and I am a christian contemplating conversion. We have had many many long in-depth talks about what we both expect in our future, when it comes to children and our expectation of each others roles as spouses as well. I believe that they can work but it is more difficult than other marriages, takes patience, understanding and lots and lots of communication. You must both be very prepared for the problems that will constantly be coming up if you do decide to marry. The problems will not only exist between the two of you but other people will constantly be questioning your decisions and it can cause some heartache for other family members. Think about it for a long time and talk with her about it and if the two of you find a way to make it work without sacrificing things that are important to each of you then it might be worth it for you. It is a decision only you two can make and it should not be made lightly.
I do believe before you make a decision about marriage that you should focus on yourself. You must be content with yourself and very confident with yourself and your faith and understand why you yourself want before you can think of including someone else in it. Evaluate yourself and reconnect with your faith before making a decision about marriage, because things that you might be ok with now might not be ok with you once you reconnect with your faith and it is not fair to either you or the christian girl for these changes to come after marriage. As previously suggested by others make contact with persons in your muslim community as well, this will help you with reconnecting with your faith and also not feeling isolated when you do if the friends you have now begin to reject you for changing, ie not drinking and having haram relationships.
Good luck to you and keep your head up. Find peace within yourself and with God. You must love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can fully extend yourself to others.
Nicole
am a christian ,i'll jst advice u to move closer to people that are stronger in faith than youself. Flee from all forms of evil and wordly friendships. Observe your solat and do all necessary things required of you as a devouted muslim.As for marrying your devouted christian girlfriend , follow your mind,if you believe you love her and you share the same ideas, sit and talk over it, our ways are not God's ways, He sees ahead and knows all, there 's nothing bad in doing that morever we are all humanbeings who believed in one GOD, the creator of unverse.