Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am depressed and lost… – CLOSED

Assalamualeikum all-

I have been a very religious follower of this blog and thank you for coming up with this idea. Sorry for the long post but I feel like this is the only place I can pour my heart out without being judged.

I am a female who is divorced and is in her early thirties, and  is a working professional. I never thought this is how things would be for me, but then again we don't really choose our fate always. Ever since I was in my preteens life has been difficult. I grew up in a poor middle class family, money was always tight, and my father was never home since he has to always work.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 6th grade, when we had watched a very scary movie at school. It had scared me in every way possible. I did not do well in school, and when things started to pick up we moved to another place. I was quite young and my parents had suggested arranged marriage. I was very young to understand the concept of marriage and I somehow said yes, thinking my parents wanted something good for me. It was that day and now I have just been cursed with depression and unhappiness. It has been over 13 years now and the abuse and all the bad memories of what I went through still haunt me.

I sometimes question why Allah chose me to go through this?

But it didn't stop there.  When I got to my college years I met someone who was a good friend and we started to like one another. We were pretty much "dating," and yes the haraam aspect of it happened too which I repent but then I was diagnosed with an illness that changed things as well. My illness was serious and made my bf at the time reconsider wanting to marry and broke up. It hit me. I was devastated. I dont know why I was tested like this but I was.

Being heartbroken more than once is the most painful thing one can go through. I have always felt like I never was good enough. I have met people even after my ex bf and it just never worked out. I feel cursed. I dnt know what it is but this is too much. Im not saying being married is everything but often times my parents blame me for their health issues, or recently my mother has blamed me for her health issues since my divorce has made her this way.

There are days I wish I was never alive. I dont have words for how much pain I have endured and then to hear all this is a lot. I have lost hope and feel like a statue at times with no feelings or emotions. Sometimes I feel so lonely I dnt know what to do, wish I had someone that understood me. Its hard enough to find a good spouse/significant other these days Im not sure if its easy to find a decent friend.

I dnt want to ask for anything from Allah, or do dua. I feel lost. Confused. Along with depression I was recently diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder which is the intense form of PMS. It is the hardest thing I have to deal with every month. I feel like my depression has hit the bottom, no energy, irritable, want to be left alone.

The worse part is I dnt have any support. I thought I had my mother but even now she is starting to make it seem like I am at fault and cursed. Im not sure why Allah gives such ppl life when they have to be so hurt. Why are there ppl that commit haraam given so much more ease, have spouses bfs etc. I wonder if this period or depression part of my life will ever end? I have always thought good for others, and have never backed out in helping. I just feel like I cant help myself.

Most websites these days cater to the dating population. I have tried to see if there is anything a bit more "normal" for friendship. Unfortunately, I havent found anything. I feel so alone I have posted in the platonic section on cl to see if there is anyone that can relate or would be willing to talk. If anyone has some advice or input I would appreciate it. Thank you.


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22 Responses »

  1. I am so sorry sister that you have to deal with this. I could have written your post. So many things are exactly similar to my own story: mid-thirties, divorce, depression, heartbreak, lost in life. If you need a friend, I am here for you. I have posted so many times here throughout the years to seek support... But please whatever you do, don't give up on making duas to ALLAH. I have seen miracles in people's lives who have prayed for 17 years! Keep your faith, go back to your zikr and work on having positive thoughts.

    • Assalaamualaikum

      Please do not post your email address.

      • @midnightmoon:
        If this is the editor- please close all future comments to this posting. There is no reason for people to contribute to this when they are just adding more negativity. Thank you.

        • Sister, I read all the comments here and did not find any negative ones except for that last one by sugar monroe.

          Try to hear what people are saying to you and not react with anger or arguments. That can be difficult, I know. And if you disagree with what they say, that's fine. Just hear them out and make your own decisions.


          • I am not required to hear out anyone, especially if they are coming across negatively. Sadly, this is on an Islamic blog. Please close the post, thank you.

  2. I don't know if you're already getting help, but if you're not, you should definitely look into getting professional help for your mental health issues.

    Also, try not to feel so sorry for yourself. Especially if you're not actively doing something to feel better, or if you're just waiting for other people to make things better for you. Not only are you just making things worse for yourself, but it also seems like things aren't as bad as you think they are. At least judging from the things you have written.

    Life is hard for everyone, not just for you. Before asking why Allah is doing all of this to you, remember there are people, even children, out there that have no family at all. No friends. More severe mental health issues than you. No home. No food. No water. People that are freezing to death. There are people that fear for their life every day, because they live in war torn countries. There are people that live on edge every day, because they are asylum seekers and don't know what their future holds. There are people being tortured, raped and kept enslaved. There are people that have terminal cancer. People that become blind and paralyzed. So you see, you're not the only one who has a hard time. But as long as God allows you to wake up another day, it's your duty to make sure you create the best life for yourself. If you can't find support in your mother, that's yourself. Connect with other family members. With friends. Find a support group. Believe it or not, you're not the first or last to suffer from depression...

    Also, have you ever thought that your mother might not be as supportive of you as you'd like, because she's frustrated with how little you help yourself? You mention a lot about how you're a victim or your own circumstances, and how you expect of people in your life to support you - but what have you actually done for yourself? You cannot refuse to help yourself, just because you can't cry and complain your way to receiving everyone else's sympathy. Sorry for being harsh, but I'm just a great believer in actively changing something that isn't working. Very few us of are stuck in life...usually, there are options. So why not take advantage of them?

    • Thanks for your reply and feedback. Given that someone has literally poured out whatever was on their chest. But the way your talking is rude, even if your trying to get across a good point/suggestion. I was NOT looking for sympathy, nor do I want pity. This is an outlet for those that don’t really have anyone to open up too.
      Plz dnt bother next time. I dnt think someone needs more harshness when my post is looking for suggestions. God bless.

      • No, this is a site for advise-giving for those that are looking into solving their problems. If you just want to get your feelings out in the open, there are plenty of mental health discussion boards where you can do exactly that, and receive the kind of response that you are really looking for: sympathy.

        You came here and asked for advise, and I gave you mine. I'm sorry you didn't like it, but if you only wanted to be patted on your back and be told how brave you are for passively sitting back and doing nothing with your mental health're not going to get it from me.

        Believe it or not, I'm not coming from a bad place. I was under the impression that you want to improve the quality of your life, and in doing that, it sometimes requires being hit with a reality check.

    • Lindita, Well said MashAllah..InShaAllah,it will help other ladies who are going through bad times too. If we look at other peoples problem our's would seem like a walk in the park..Alhamdollillah.

  3. Assalamalekum

    Not sure if anything I write would make any difference, for I'm not an friends and family come to chat to me if they feel down..

    I'm so sorry to know of you situation.However you are not alone in this sort of situation. I have know quite few young ladies going through the pain of abusive relationship.

    First of all Start by thanking Allah for getting you out of the bad/abusive marriage. Alhamdollillah.

    Dear You need to know that It is not your fault nor it's your parents... it meant to be like that.seeng you unhappy is making them sad too. Hence your mother illness. Be a source of happiness for your parents.. (Mother). I know how it feels I am mother and a daughter both.your mother is your Jannah..
    You mentioned you are working which is good, on occasion do something nice for your mum even small things like smile:) some flower.
    Dear girl Your mother wants to see you happy even if you are divorced, be positive.its not the end of the world think of people who have suffered far worse. The other evening I attended a fundraising event I was shocked to learn that in Rohenga 70000 young girls were gang raped and their family slatured in front..horrific.:(

    Allah has promised that our Emaan will be tested throughout our life.After every difficult time Ease will come it's Allah's promise. Have faith.only Sala and seBer will help. Bring positive change in your life, you say you used to help others continue to do so, you will find pleasure InshaAllah.
    You also talked about sin you commited, please don't dwell on them or talk about it your sin is between you and Allah. Repent in private.Allah is every forgiving.

    There are lot of prophetic DoaS, mentioned in the Quran . Even the prophets were tested and punished and when they repented they were forgivene.g:
    "La ILaa ha ILLA Antas Subhanika Inni Kunntu MinAd Dalamin"
    do a couple of tasbeeh when depressed.
    Also read Quran and understand. It's beautiful.
    Your Depression will go away once you take control of yourself, your image your priorities.take the focus away from your illness, perhaps think of taking care of your mum who might be elderly and unwell by taking care of her your focus will be on her illness & getting her better.
    Sometime giving helps?
    InshaAllah your bad PMS will go away it could be due to stress you are going through..May Allah ease your pain & sufferings .

    You can continue chatting here. We will be happy to encourage you to get over your depression InshaAllah..this life is temporary we need to focus on the eternity ..

    All the best

  4. Asalamualaikum dear Sister. I have read your post and can clearly relate to what you are going through. Your situation is very similar to mine. I am also a divorcee after having an extremely difficult life in my marriage and prior to that. I also feel cursed. I have tried looking for a spouse as well, but none has matched. I think we could only repent constantly and make duah for Allah to send us good spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes. Aameen. Don't give up, Allah hears,sees and knows every condition.

  5. I agree that there are people on posts that like to hurt people. People come here for advice in a nice way. In Islam we encourage each other to treat people with kindness not to hurt people's feelings. Depression is something which cant be controlled.It takes over the brain. Its hard to be happy where there are negative people. Praying helps too but I feel that as a muslim we need to stop blasting on others and be mature adults to say it. I see there are so much blasting on others. If we wanted someone to blast on someone we can just might as well be in the streets. No one is asking for sympathy and i feel some girls are jealous of others here when someone is trying to relases their feelings.

    • Please tell me where exactly I said anything hurtful or abusive to OP? I wasn't being all lovey dovey, no, but I wasn't mean or cruel, either. I'm a realistic person, so I give advice based on how the real world works. I tried to encourage her to change her perspective on things and to seek help, and she saw that as an attack on her.

      And no, no one is jealous of anybody, lol. Let's not take the conversation THERE.

      As for depression, you do have control over it if you actually bother getting professional help...

      • STOP trolling!
        Shame on you, and others who have come here to just literally make the other person feel worse. Seriously get a life, and find something productive to do. There’s a way to talk, and if any of you have some sense this is not how you will ever get your point across, or by writing in CAPS.
        Everyone comes with things differently. Yes this is an advice blog, but in a neutral way. No one can impose anything.

      • Lindita, there was nothing wrong with your original post in my opinion. But many people are simply not ready to hear that they must take responsibility for their lives. They're not at that point yet and can't hear what you're saying, and often interpret it as a personal attack, as if you are blaming them for their circumstances. So don't take it personally. Best to let it go.

        Wael Editor

        • No one has a right to personally attack anyone, that too on a blog where we are supposed to help one another out. Coming across neutrally would’ve been the best thing, but if your going to just come here to troll others & make them feel like crap, then go get a LIFE!

    • @ mahikhan: Thanks. These people have nothing better to do. Islam the first thing that is emphasized is akhlaaq. So before coming on an advice giving blog, where people are already feeling uneasy to share things- fix your attitude and learn how to talk. Usually people who have issues within themselves will take it out on others, since they have no where else too.

  6. My oppologies to Hth786,if my words have hurt you in anyway. I had no such intention. I wrote in good faith & sincere intentions. I only addresed your issues. I'm sorry if it had a negetive effect on you. I wouldn't dream of hurting a soul. ..& H even Lindita's first response was to the point and from what I understood she was giving also a practical solution.its about perception I guess.

    I Understand Hth785, you are going through a tough is not impossible to get over it. InShAlllah you will come out of it.
    I will make Doa for you too .

    . Trust Allah he is the one to get us out of our problems.

    Kind regards

    • Ok well stop replying, your not helping.
      Maybe you should re read what you write and see what kind of a perception that comes across as.
      What you may think is okay may be taken completely differently by others.
      Islam emphasizes on akhlaaq which many Muslims lack...

      • Hth786 I will indeed close the post as you requested, not because of the comments, but because of your combative attitude. You keep talking about akhlaaq (manners) while attacking and insulting nearly everyone who comments. Frankly I have never seen a poster less ready to be helped or advised, which tells me a lot about the source of your difficulties.

        I don't deny that you have experienced hardships in life. But sister, everyone experiences hardships and heartbreak. Everyone. Life is about how we respond to those hardships. Do we become more patient, stronger, and more faithful? Or do we allow those hardships to strip away our faith, hope and determination? This is the test. This is the whole point.

        You complain that others have boyfriends or spouses. But with your combative attitude you would destroy a marriage in a heartbeat. I'm not saying that to insult you, it's just what I see. You're not ready. So maybe Allah is saving you from that hardship until you are ready.

        You ask why is Allah doing this, why is Allah doing that. As if it is Allah who serves us, and not vice versa. As if it is Allah's job to give us the things we desire. As if Allah is the means to an end - the end being our worldly satisfaction and happiness.

        The reality is the opposite! All these things - illness, breakups, marriage or not, are only the means, while the end is Allah the Most High.

        Wael Editor