I am feeling lost and need advice
Help is available to escape domestic abuse
I have been married for 14 yrs and have 3 children. First 6 yrs of our marriage were fine. But then we started having problems. Husband has increasingly become abusive and aggressive. Both verbally and physically. He has hit me and bullied me infront of my kids also. Each time it happened I have been hurt, shocked and waited for an apology which never came and then after sulking for a few days forgave him to bring back normality in the house so kids aren't affected. Each time he's hit me he becomes more aggressive and humiliating the next time.
This time he threw me out and locked the door behind me and told me to get lost over an argument. I knocked and asked him to open the door as I was still in my night clothes and couldn't go anywhere but he refused to open door and swore at me and told me to get lost. I got v frustrated and angry and tried to break a glass panel in the door as I didnt appreciate being thrown out of my house which I help pay for and run equally. On this he came out and started pushing and hitting me while swearing at me as you would to somebody in the street. I told him not to behave like this outside as our garden is open and there are atleast 4-5 neighbours houses overlooking in to our garden. But he continued to be v insulting and slapped me a couple of times. I was desperate to get away from him to get inside the house but he wouldn't let me and kept telling me I can't go in to that house it wasn't mine it was his.
I tried calling my 11 yr old who was in the front room watching tv with my younger children. All this time he was pushing and shoving me and swearing at me. The whole experience was humiliating to say the least. I tried to push back and get him away to get in but he is stronger than me. He then kicked me on my ankles and threw me on the floor still hitting me in the head and twisting my hands and arms to restrain me and then called my son and told him to call my family. I felt humiliated as at this point my trousers were up to my knees trying to get him off me and my scarf had come off but he continued to keep me on the floor and sat on top of me.
I was pleading with my 11 yr old to get him off me. My son got v upset and told his dad to leave me. But he told him he isn't hurting me just restraining me because I had lost it and had gone crazy and started hitting him. I asked my son to call the police but his dad shouted and told him not to as police will take them (kids) away. I was desperate for him to Get off me because of how humiliated I felt.
He would twist my hands and arms even more as my son would go inside to get the phone or just to check something so I pleaded with my son to stay there. He told my son to call my brother in laws and my sisters and tell them to come over only then he'd let me go.
I asked him to divorce me there and then as he was sat on me and twisting my arms and hands as For me that was the limit of shamelessness and hate. He told me he would only give me divorce if I write my 3 kids over to him. I told him I would give him shared custody so he could have them 3 days a week. He swore and said no he wanted full custody. Then My younger children came out and he told them not to get upset as I had fallen he was just helping me to make sure I ddnt get hurt. I told my younger kids not to worry and that their dad was right and told them to go inside.
My sister told him on the phone to get off me and let me go inside the house. She asked him why had he called my brother in laws and that she was coming in a bit and told him to let me go inside the house. He thought for a minute and then let me go quickly and ran inside the house and locked the door. I managed to get off the floor with my sons help who was v upset and hugging me and crying. We both sat outside on a step waiting to be allowed in to the house. I couldn't believe how he had humiliated me.
My sister eventually came and he started telling her lies about how he locked me out becus he got angry and was gonna let me back in but I went crazy and started breaking the door down. How he was telling me to calm down but I started swearing at him and hitting him.
I am heart broken and very depressed. But know that if and when I try to get out of this relationship he will make my life hell and will make me suffer. I want to do what's best for my kids but I know they love their dad and will be sad if he isn't there as he is a good father to them.
I have been a emotional mess for last month since this incident happened but don't know what to do. I feel it's a lose - lose situation and am feeling lost and very confused. What also upsets me is that he tells my son that I caused it and brought it upon myself and that Islam allows men to hit their wives if they are bad.
My son asked me why I argued with him and upset him. And should have just kept quiet. I explained to my son that what his dad did wasn't right and not allowed in Islam. But his dad continues to justify his behaviour. I put up with him to put up a happy family front because he was my own choice and this is my second marriage.
I can support myself and my children and don't need him, but I know my kids do.
ridaha
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I feel so bad that no one told answered you. I am not very knowledgeable Islamically but I don't need to be to know that your husband is sinning and traumatising your children. You should have reported him. He will not be given full custody due to his abusive behaviour, there is no guarantee that he will not turn on the kids. If you are in the UK there are many advice lines you can call that will help women like you.
Go to a divorce lawyer and find out exactly what your options are. Even in a Muslim country he will not be able to take full custody of your children. Also, you do not need his permission to give you a divorce, you can go to an Islamic judge and ask for a khula. This is a kind of divorce enacted by the judge on behalf of the wife so that the husband does not need to accept or agree to it. You need an exit plan, so find a lawyer and get yourself set up for a divorce and for possibly leaving with your children without his knowledge.
OP: Husband has increasingly become abusive and aggressive. Both verbally and physically. He has hit me and bullied me infront of my kids also. Each time it happened I have been hurt, shocked and waited for an apology which never came and then after sulking for a few days forgave him to bring back normality in the house so kids aren't affected. Each time he's hit me he becomes more aggressive and humiliating the next time......This time he threw me out and locked the door behind me and told me to get lost over an argument.
Your husband seems to be an insecure person There is no use of arguing with such a person. He should get some counselling. How is his behavior with your family? How is his behavior with his own family? Is he abuse or agressive with outsiders also.
No not really. Gets on ok. I have involved his family a few times when he's been aggressive towards me and my son, but he doesn't really have an authority figure who he listens to. He believes he is right and they don't understand. He will make up little lies like she swore at me etc. Or that I started it and was hitting him so he retaliated. I can't hit him, he's stronger than me. He's been trying to make it look like I lose control when angry and he has to restrain me to get me to calm down. You are right I can never reason with him, so we stopped talking to resolve things long time ago. I have apologised many times for things that weren't even m fault but he never admits a mistake or apologises. Even when he's hit me or verbally abused me he always tries to justify it and you cudnt reason with him.
Salam sister, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation I can't imagine what your going through. I understand what everyone is saying re: divorcing your husband but marriage is so complex. The thing that's stopping me from suggesting divorce is that you have been married a few years and it seems everything was good in the initial years of marriage. What do you think has happened now to trigger such aggression and hostility from your husband? Something doesn't add up.
Obviously I'm not suggesting you stay with your husband to figure things out, no way, not the way he is physically hurting you, it's not safe for you. Go and stay with family, and take your children with you but do it when he's not there so that he can't harm you.
But whilst your away and before you file for divorce, I really do think that you need to figure out why his behaviour has changed? Is he involved with drugs? Does he have a mental health issue? Does be have any other health issues? Does he complain of headaches etc? It's not normal for a persons personality to change after years of normality.
Anyway, these are just things I feel you should consider before taking the next steps but only you know the true extent of the problem. It would be good if you could shed some light on why he started behaving this way, and any possible triggers?
May Allah swt ease your suffering, Ameen.
Many thanks for your advise. He is of the opinion that I am responsible for his behaviour. I can't explain how his mind works. He doesn't accept that he shouldn't have done what he did and defends and justifies his actions. I really don't understand how or why he has changed so much. He does complain of migraines sometime, but I don't know how there's a link between the two. He has been violent towards my son which I have had to deal with by involving his family and by threatening to involve the police, because it was getting out of hand. He's quite careful about how he disciplines my son now. We have had relationship problems many times over the years. When I try to think of a reason why he has become abusive and violent , I am lost. I think he may always have had it in him.
Sister that sounds terrible. It sounds like this is something that hasn't happened suddenly but has been getting worse progressively. I think it's bad enough that he is harming you but to also harm your children that' should be enough reason for you to leave him. Like I said earlier, even if you did want to try and find out whether there was a reason for his behaviour you need to do this away from him, because both yours and your children's lives are at risk if your staying with him. But if you do leave - leave when he's not there and don't tell him where your going. Also remember to take all important documents with you inc passports, driving licence etc. In the time your staying with him, if he starts getting violent again, avoid going into the kitchen which is full of potential weapons and instruct your son to go into a different room and call the police. I'm also worried that he's going to continue to try to harm you whilst your away, keep a very low threshold for calling the police. I think to be honest you have very good grounds for divorce, and no way should he be handed custody for the children he's proven to be a danger to them. Also another thing I would advise is going to the GP if your in England or calling a domestic violence helpline so that they can advise you further.
My ultimate advice to you would be to get yourself and your children to a place of safety away from this man.
Things are only complex when we want them to be. We can easily simplify things when we wish. This man beats her and humiliates her in front of her children, and he has behaved violently towards her son. What he was like in the first years of the marriage is completely irrelevant. Her happy memories of those times will do nothing for her in the hell that is her present. If it were just her, perhaps we could advise counselling to see if there is a psychiatric problem involved, but she has children that are being traumatized by this violence, and who are learning every day that this is acceptable in a marital relationship, and who could one day become the victims of this humiliation and cruelty. They have to be her priority now. Everything else, including her husband and her marriage, are a distant second.
Dear sister, I again advise you: wait till he leaves, take your kids and go to your family's house or anywhere else where you will be safe from him. Get a divorce and if you have to, get a restraining order against him.
Sister ,
His violent behavior is not acceptable .I think there is no point in continuing life like this .You report this incident to police and take divorce from him .I think he can't get full custody of children in any case .
What has happened to him to become violent like this ?
Ridaha, now that he has crossed all the limits you should break this relation, if you want to live a peaceful life. it seems he is very cunning.
go to the lawyer without telling him and discuss all the problems with him.
and please before going to the lawyer.
when he hits you again or start fighting put the voice recorder on, every mobile has a voice recorder. it will record everything.
dont forget to have the evidence of him saying and threatening you to give him the custody of the kids only then he will give you divorce.
gather the evidence of him telling his children that you are mentally upset or whatever reason he gives to your children.
dont tell him anything about the evidences that you have recorded such thing or have evidence.
when the very next time he say that he will give you divorce in a condition that you will leave your kids or custody etc. just nodd your head saying yes and go to the lawyer.
when in the court he will claim that you agreed: the lawyer will give the proof of him forcing you to leave the kids plus the violence on the mobile.
you r getting my point
Sister, we can all be sypathetic to you and offer advise but it is you who has to live through all this. Pray Isthikara and ask Allah to guide you. Keep making dua and ask Allah to reward you for these trials that you are facing. May Allah preserve and protect you and your kids.