Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in a fix about my sinful situation

Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Dear Brother/Sister in Islam,

Assalamoualaikoum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

My situation is quite complex.

I am married since 13 years and have 2 children. I was involved in a somewhat mostly virtual relationship with a non-muslim colleague from office. some 5 years ago. This lasted around 3 years. However few times he tried to force me to do some sins and I had to oblige else he was getting angry ... but I was not aware that the sins he made me do was zina ... i was always rejecting his advances ... Afterwards, he guy got married and went abroad since 2 years and i was happy he went ... I even asked Allah to make him go far from me ...

Now, the fact that we still mailed as friends, his wife came into contact with these mails which got some pictures of myself which I sent to him and which are quite compromising.

Also the mails contain some facts about the few physical interactions we had.

I had not realized the mistake I made about the mails and the pictures until this surfaced.

I have repented sincerely since then (November last year) and have amended my ways and trying not to disobey Allah swt in any way.

However, the wife now wants divorce from her husband and is not very happy to see that I am happy with my family and at work.

She has spread the news about these pictures at office making me feel humiliated in front of my colleagues and it is difficult for me to go to work nowadays.

She is threatening to tell everything to my husband when she comes or when she gets his number. She has been very threatening since November and has sent me harassing messages.

I have learnt not to be scared of her but only of Allah's wrath.

However, even if I am repenting and asking dua everyday, I get the impression that this news and humiliation is spreading more and more and I am wondering what will become of my life if my husband comes to know about this and if my family suffers because of my disobedience.

There are few friends who are helping me not to lose faith. However, since I find all human help closed now, I have started with doing sabr and tawakkul and leaving everything in Allah's hands while continuing prayers, fasts and charity.

First, I would like to know is whether I should wait for her to manifest and decide on next move or should I let it all be and then explain to husband in my way. however, if she decides to tell about all this before me she might add up things since she really wants to destroy me.

I have also done Istikhaara and asked for guidance on this subject. I am in a fix and waiting. It is as she said a "tickling bomb" and it is causing me much anguish and sadness when i see my children and when i am with my family  ... i feel hurt if they come to any issues because of me ...sometimes I feel I will go mad ...

Also, I am confused about whether this is a punishment which will continue to I don't know what proportion or can it be a test/trial from Allah since I am at this stage most close to the Lord than ever.

Thank you for advising.

Waheeda

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7 Responses »

  1. first and foremost, you need to repent to god and ask for his forgiveness, and I emphasize on this because what you did was bad and I don't know if its classified as adultery which is capital punishment. The reason why its bad is because you already had a husband where you could have done these things in a halal manor, but you opted to go harem. Now you're going to end up dealing with the consequence in the dunya and afterlife. Unless you repent to god.

    You are very confusing, one time you say that you were praying to god that he would remove the guy from you as far as he can, but then you still choose to remain in contact with this man. If you ever want to change something or need the help of god, then you need to put in effort or action. Don't expect things to improve whilst sitting on your couch.

    And in regards to whether you should take a gamble where you keep quiet and just hope that she doesn't tell him or, you could tell him yourself and give him your version, Either of these options are stupid, because it will make you look like that you're only confessing now because you are being forced to. You put yourself in a silly place anyway, how do you justify 3 years of cheating within a 13 years of marriage , with 2 kids?? Why did you not just leave him if you didn't love him? Now you're gonna have to deal with the consequence.

    I think you should assess the situation first by asking yourself; will confronting him about the issue make put you in a difficult position such as homeless, if yes then find means to cover yourself and not tell him till you can sustain yourself, because your husband will be in an emotional state and will most likely do something irrational.

    However , telling him is much better than hearing from her because, hearing it from her would make it look like you have more to hide. Perhaps, you should tell him and keep it very short and simple. Avoid any explaining, and only tell him that you have messed up for a short period and you are deeply sorry and regret it. Then embrace yourself for the long hard journey after it.

  2. If you still have contact with the previous man, ask him to intervene and delete any evidence on his wife's phone. Once that's done, terminate any contact you have with this man. If you indeed committed adultry whilst married, it is one of the most gravest sins - even more so than if you were not married and committed zina.

    Keep praying istikhara. However, if you believe it's best to keep silent now, you should. Perhaps this woman is threatening you with no evidence. She's jealous, and has every right to be, as you've had sexual relations with her husband - she's using whatever words she has in hopes of helping you lead a miserable life. However, since its been November and she hasn't ousted you, you can probably take that as a good sign. In the mean time, block her from your life, including emails, text messages, etc. Over time, she will disappear in shaa Allah.

    I ask Allah to keep your sins covered for you in this life and on judgement day. May he forgive all of us Muslims. Ameen

    • I think she should inform her husband on her action. Give him the option to leave if that's what he wanted, if he had known what she had done, because right now. She's living in a lie. Her husband thinks he has the best wife in the world and the kids think their mother is perfect. Such a shame that it isn't the reality

      • There are times where it's islamically permitted to lie. That includes telling a lie to a spouse that would cause more benefit than harm, like in the original poster's situation. If Allah covers her in this life, then it's a blessing. If we cover a fellow Muslims sins, regardless of how large, Allah will cover us on the Day of Judgement.

        • I hope people should not mistake it for license to cheat behind and hide sins as islamically they should not disclose the sins .
          I guess more people will commit haraam like zina and act like pious souls to thier spouses as they are doing holy act of hiding sins .

          • Cheating on your spouse whilst married is one of the gravest sins which Allah will be the ultimate judge of. He will punish those accordingly. Those who abuse the times of when it's permitted to lie will be judged accordingly as well. However, this original poster seems to have sincerely regretted her mistake. Regret is a form of repentance. In her case it is best to keep silent on the matter in order to protect her marriage and her children's lives as long as so she does not go back to her original sin. Allah is Al-Kareem.

  3. SABAR,fast, Charity , tawakkal, Allah ..so many good words in this post .
    Sad to see this is state of Muslims who are in to such shamefull sins and then words gives an impression of pious souls ..
    I think you don't have much option.
    Some day your family will come to know about it and getting back trust will be huge task.

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