I am in a strange state of life
Asslam_O_Alaikum
I am a Muslim woman ,married since last 14 years, I have a very complicated situation. i have 2 kids ( girls of age 13,9)
My Husband become impotent about 7 years back. It means he is unable to perform intercourse. He had problems since day one but by the Grace of ALLAH i got 2 kids. About 9 years ago he start insisting me that he want to perform oral sex with me. It was strange term for me. I got married in a very young age and was hardly aware of sex and pleasure. I just found it nasty and refused and his insistence was increasing day by day, then i said ok at one condition you will never force me for it. He agreed and he started it, by the passage of time he left intercourse at all, I was surprised of his behavior and always asked him not to do it. I was sure its some thing bad he is doing, he was fond of watching porn ,then he start telling lies to me like i'm not feeling well or i dont have condoms etc.( he never wanted kids )but i mostly found condoms in his drawer. He was totally into oral sex with me. I was worried, I asked him to go with me to some doctor because he was losing his power.
The doctor couldn't understand the reason of impotency so it become a dream for me to have pleasure from my husband. Over all he is a gentleman but he forced me always to do job , I'm doing job in a factory since I got married with him and used to give him my all salary. He used to spend all money on his relatives but I never objected by the fears of ALLAH that he shall sport them,but on the other side even we had resources he kept me and my kids below then a middle class state always as he used to say this is not our country and we cant spend. I was unable to buy good clothes for my kids even,but i never tried to oppose.
With the passage of time i start realizing he is taking me so much for granted so I start questioning so he become very harsh to me . Its true I was so innocent and had no awareness of how I shall speak for my rights. He had all possible control on my will, my home expenses and on everything of me. This thing was affecting on my nerves and I was remaining sick. Mentally i was so unhappy , I was considering this is my life and I have to bear it all. Maybe ALLAH wants me to have patience and at judgment day I will be successful.
Time was passing I was forced to do job, to do house hold chores to bring extraordinary results of my kids and I was doing all happily but inside of me a woman was being deprived of true love, happiness and a true joy of sex in married life, when he was normal in sex routine even then he always avoid to foreplay or to kiss me. He was used to immediately go for intercourse and I was all was left unsatisfied. this was very painful for me as I had no satisfaction point.
After some years suddenly one person came in my life. He was a brother of my colleague, as he told me later he was observing me from last many years, he proposed me. I was very happy that ALLAH sent a solution for my problem. I asked my family that i want to be separated from my husband , they all were afraid of a social pressure of Asian society so they gave me very hard time. The person was consoling me that he is with me and one day he will face all but now it was difficult for me to live with my husband so i keep insisting to him to take me away from this all mess,but he was insisting of having sex . This i never could do although i was so much deprives of it but due to Fear of ALLAH I refused .and what happened he just disappear suddenly. It was very tough for me and very sad but I held myself and decided to search about the true solution of my situation . I found on many Fatwa sites that oral sex is not permissible, in my case my husband intentionally made me deprived from pleasure and used me always according to his own need and wants.
I am all alone in this world with 2 kids without whom I cant live . My family will not support me at all. and they will pressurize me to get back. they knows all even then they are not agree that I shall be separated from my husband. I don't have any savings as well, but every day I am living so difficultly. I gave my sincere heart to my husband who never cared and used me then I loved one person who wanted to use me and he left. I am helpless and praying from ALLAH but my heart is full of pain. Do u have any sincere advise?
-Muslimah11
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salam..im not expert in giving advise though..but all i know is that in islam,its not allowed for a married woman to speak with a stranger,not even allowed to accept any proposal if she is still married coz its haram i think..how could someone love someone else if she is still married with her husband..this is a big trials from God..sister just keep praying and ask God to keep u away from any temptations, from shaytan, and ask Allah SWT to give u strength to face this hardship in life..confront ur husbandweith regards of his behaviour..he should know what ure going through sister..this is not easy though but ur his wife and uve been married for 14 yrs..try to save ur marriage for Allah sake and for ur kids sake..u have to open up ur feelings to him and pray to God at the same time..dont try to hide any of ur emotions..try to speak to some sheik maybe who can help u spiritually..i know how hard it is for u sister, i hope inshaAllah u will find happiness and so much love from ur husband..wassalam
Salam Alaykum
sister...
I hope that you are in good health and high islamic spirits inshallah ameeen..
I really feel for your situation and it touched my heart! May Allah give you sabr and patience.
I am not an expert on advice...but you have the right live a happy life wih someone that makes you feel loved and wanted...You have two children and you are in a very low financial state...its your husbands responsibility to give you all he can and the best of what he is earning...he should concentrate on his own family first then help others.
About the other man..you should of never had allowed him into your life..he sounds like a selfish pig who just wanted one thing and when you didnt offer yourself he left...that wasn't love that was Alalh saving you fom committing the worst thing you could possibly have done and probably would have never forgiven yourself so thank Allah and I am glad to know you refused him...
What you can do is try to find a place or with another friend (female) organise something and pre plan where you would be able to go after you leave and seperet from your husband...you cant be elft n the street and dont rely on your family since you know how they will react.....First you should discuss your feelings with your husband though...tell him what your going through ad what you would like from him...if he doesnt understand and continues his ways then better that you do leave him...you can turn to haram from this desire of wanting to feel loved again ...May Allah protect us all form any haram and sins....but its important...your sitll young and you can still make ahappy life style for yourself inshallah...Try saving up some money in any way or getting some support secretly from a friend or anyone you can strongly rely on and then go on from there...
May Allah be with you and you have all my duas and support..
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister, I am sorry for the troubles you have been through.
I agree with 'me' that you should nicely and calmly discuss these things with your husband. First you need to seperate yourself emotionally from your husband. Prepare yourself mentally to leave, as chances are he wont want to change.
Talking to him
Dont get emotional or upset/angry when you do it and dont accuse him. However, you need to make it clear that it cannot continue this way, and it needs to be sorted. Normally I would say to involve family here, so I am sorry to hear your family are not supporting you. Do istakhaarah as well to seek Allahs guidance on the matter, and make lots of dua. (Please read the links on top of page for info on istakhaarah - there are many misconceptions around it - so this will help ensure you do it properly InshaAllah. Allah will make it easier for you to do whats best for you InshaAllah. Also If you dont pray 5x a day, start.
Your money is your own - he has no right to it, so try to reclaim it back if you can and save up until you have enough to support yourself.
This guy who proposed was no good for you and you are right that he wanted to use you for his own desires. May Allah swt reward you for refusing his advances. May it be a means for you to get the shade from Allahs throne on Yawmul Qiyamah my dear sister! So thank Allah for giving you the strength to keep away from evil and from saving you from this evil man! Be careful in future and adhere to islamic guidelines. Know that not everyone is as genuine and truthful as they say. Make istakhaarah a part of your life - not just for big things but even for small things.
If nothing changes dear sister, please make sure you work towards leaving this man. Dont stick around with him - find somewhere to live and a job and as soon as you can leave.
I pray that Allah swt gives you the means to support yourself and get out of this situation.
Ameen.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salam Sister,
You seems to be in quite a mess, by the way oral sex is allowed in Islam done with proper guidance and consult of both partners, and I think your family is wrong in forcing you to remain with your husband given your condition and his behavior is towards you.
I think you should consult some senior family members to involve themselves and think of your life and family reputation as you are suffering.
Hope you will soon be relieved from all your worries and get all pleasures and joy you want.
Allah hafiz.
Muslimah11, As-salamu alaykum,
You are throwing everything together into the kettle here, so I will try to separate the issues and address them one by one.
First, I have to address the most serious issue, which the previous commenters picked up on. If you are unsatisfied and miserable with your husband, you have the option to divorce him. But how can you accept a proposal from another man when you are married? Astaghfirullah, that makes no sense whatsoever. A man who has the tiniest shred of taqwa would not approach a married woman in this way, and a woman with self-respect would not tolerate it. But I understand that your self-esteem had been reduced to shreds at that point, and you were desperate and unloved. Thank goodness that you did not commit adultery with him. It's clear that that's all he wanted. He was trying to use you. So good riddance! Allah saved you from that. And sister you must know that you cannot do this again. You are a married woman. By allowing another man to approach you and express interest, you shame yourself before Allah.
Now, about the sex issue. The real problem is not the oral sex. Most of the scholars consider it to be permissible as there is nothing in Quran or Sunnah to prohibit it. The real problem is your husband's impotence and inability to pleasure you. I suspect that the oral sex issue is directly related to the impotence. Did it ever occur to you that because he cannot get an erection, he wants to satisfy you in some other way? Or maybe he hopes it will arouse him and make him erect. In any case you need to address the root issue of the impotence.
Are you sure the two of you have explored all options? You mentioned that he saw a doctor, but he needs to see a specialist in this field. There are so many things it could be: blood pressure, lack of exercise, poor diet, etc. The doctor can advise him, and may also be able to give him some medication that will help. Sexually speaking, foreplay may help as well. Try stimulating him with your hand using baby oil. Kiss him, caress him, massage him, etc. No man can simply provide an erection on demand. It takes arousal and foreplay. The two of you need to open up to each other sexually and become more affectionate and exploratory. I think it will help tremendously. If he cannot take the lead in this, then you may have to try.
Now, moving on to the issue of his treatment of you. I am very, very concerned by the way he has forced you to work in a factory and do the housework as well. And then he takes your salary and sends it to his relatives instead of spending it on the family? This is unacceptable. You have a right to your own money and property, and it is his obligation to provide for you and the children.
So there are many issues to consider here. If you really feel so unhappy and trapped in this marriage, then you have the option of divorce. That's why Allah made divorce halal, so that people are not forced to remain in dysfunctional and oppressive marriages.
If you choose to stay with your husband, then try to make it work. Be assertive and address the issues that are bothering you, not in a critical way but in a helpful way. And never allow another man to approach you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
good girl sister for not giving in to that man for one night of 'pleasure' i applaud u massively as it mustve been a test as youve not had intercourse for a while but alhamdolilah you chose allah first
make du'a constantly it's the greatest tool and allah will guide you inshallah
oral sex isn't haram is it?
for anessa