Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in too much pain, I’ve had enough but I feel horrible at the same time

Wife battering

Wife battering - No woman should ever accept this or remain in this situation.

Question:

I want to divorce my husband of 8 years. We have two children together. Can somebody please give me the strength to leave him. He is very controlling, abusive mentally and physically.

He punches me in my head, swears at me, calls me horrible names. Two days after I gave birth to his child he beat me. He beat me while I was pregnant. I do everything for this man, I clean, I cook, I take care of his kids, I take care of him, his needs, but when he falls into a rage nobody can help him cool down.

He has choked me, spits into my face, pushes me, throws everything at me. He recently really hurt my back and neck..by pushing me so hard and throwing a weight at my face......why you ask? Because he thinks I'm gaining weight.........tell me is that a reason? I am not big I am just normal, I just had a baby a couple of months ago, I look pretty good. Not for him... he hit me with the Quran in my head.

I am done, done done done, but why do I still feel so quilty that what I am doing is wrong?.  He doesn't want to leave the house, If I want a divorce I have to leave, he won't give me any money, he's going to take everything off my name..  So now what, leave where with two kids? Plus daughter crying for him, please help me feel I'm doing the right thing....

I am a convert to Islam, when I marrried him I was 16 years old, he introduced Islam to me, and I went to borrow the Quran from the library and got chills down my spine, it was so powerful and amazing.

When things are good with us, it is great, we get along, we enjoy our time together. But when its BAD, its VERY BAD......that is why this is very hard.. He has two faces, what do I do? How can I divorce him since he won't give me one?

When I read this back I realize I am a big idiot for staying with him this long, and having more kids with him...

Sister Z's Answer:

Sister...

You deserve to be treated with respect, love and care, NOT the way your husband is treating you. In his last sermon, Muhammed (saw) made a short speech. One of the topics he chose to speak about was the treatment of women:

"O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers."

Also see:

Quran - Surah An-Nisa' (The Women):
Verse 1: "O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allâh through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship) . Surely, Allâh is Ever an All.  Watcher over you."

Your husband is grossly mistreating you and your children through this violent and mental abuse - you must get away from such a person! Admitting that you will take no more of his vile treatment towards you and saying that you want to divorce him must have taken alot of courage on your part. Many women are not able to do this for a long time or sometimes never and sadly allow themselves to become statistics of domestic abuse.

Sister - Allah has given you your rights. Hence you have a responsibility to use the intellect that Allah(swt) has given you to protect yourself and to fulfil the rights of your children. At present you and your children are in danger Sister. You need someone to help you realise your self worth again. If you knew how much value Allas has given women through Islam, you would remove yourself from this degrading situation.

Remember you are here on earth to serve Allah - not to become a slave and servant to your abusive husband.

Do you have any family or good friends whom you can confide in? Do you know anyone trustworthy enough who would take you and children in for a while?

I know you have children so you are worried about not having a roof over your head or any financial maintenance. But sister, what you have described is clearly Domestic Violence and so the law will definitely be on your side. Below are the telephone numbers for the National Domestic Violence Hotlines in the:

UK: 0808 2000 247
and
USA: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

If you live in another country, I am sure there will be a similar service provided.

I know a sick man just like your husband - he does all the same things to his pious, intelligent and beautiful wife, who has just had their fourth child. He uses the following things to make her feel absolutely worthless:

  • sleep deprivation
  • hunger
  • hours/days of verbal abuse
  • hours/days of singing sick songs about hell/heaven
  • physical violence (during pregnancy aswell)
  • spits at her and in the food she cooks
  • says that she has no right over the family house or money or anything
  • limits the amount of money she can spend
  • verbally abuses her deceased father and other family members
  • has also raised his hand to her family members as well
  • works from home, so to keep an eye on her
  • makes her do exercise even when she is tired and hungry
  • doesnt let her see her family

She has been married 17 sorry years and is too scared to leave him because she thinks she will not be able to give her children the same financial maintenance her husband can give. However, deep down I know this is an excuse. Really, she is scared that he will never leave her alone even if she left him and also strangely enough, she thinks she needs to 'help him' - she is obviously confused. His behaviour is affecting her mental well being so much so that she has started hallucinating at times. But she still refuses to leave him and it is so frustrating to stand back and watch her go through this. And moreso to watch her children suffer.

These type of men try to scare you by telling you that they will transfer all the money from their bank accounts and remove your name from the family property and make it seem to others that in fact you are the one who has mental health issues etc. By saying such things, it can only make an already broken and vulnerable woman feel that no-one will be on her side and she will be destitute if she leaves. However the Police and Judiciary system are well experienced in dealing with such cases - they are not stupid or gullible enough to believe everything the husbands say in such domestic violence matters.

If you decided to report your husband to the police, (in the UK and USA), and matters were taken further, you would not have to leave the house - but your husband would. He would also 'have' to provide for your children financially - even if you divorced him. And if for whatever reason you could not afford to continue to living at the family home, you would be given council housing because of your situation. You may not have the same standard of material living that you have at the moment.

But would you rather live in a council flat and have peace of mind, or would you rather stay with your abusive husband, thereby retaining all your material comforts but living a life of degredation and mental/physical torture? And also risk affecting your children emotionally/physically.

Sister - it must be so very daunting to even think of taking such a big step alone. So I would strongly advise you to:

  1. Confide in a family member/close friend asap.
  2. Seek Legal help - if you know your rights (and you do have many), you will feel empowered. If you are in the UK, you will be able to get free legal advice because you are not working. I don't know about any other country.
  3. Go to the police. Don't worry, they will not come charging in to arrest your husband on the spot, as they will want to do what is best for you. They will most probably help you make arrangements for you to be safe first and will take action after discussing it with you. I know this, because I tried to help the sister I mentioned above - but to no avail as she decided not to admit anything to the Police or to the Welfare services who I contacted a number of times.
  4. Speak to an Imaam with regards to your divorce/separation matters.

Hopefully you will remove yourself and your children from this situation before this man is able to abuse you again emotionally or physically, BUT if he gets to you first - you MUST report this directly to the police and to your doctor straightaway. Your husband clearly has character problems or mental health issues - he needs to get help and prove that he has changed before he is worthy of being anyone's husband. And this would take alot of time.

You need to take a positive step for your own sake and for your children's sake. God forbid if he injures you badly or even kills you (because that is a possibility), who would look after your children? You want to make your children strong individuals right? Well, you are their first female role model. They will look up to you and follow in your footsteps. You still have the chance of showing them a strong Muslim role model through yourself if you stand up for yourself inshaAllah.

Sis - Trust Allah. When you take that step, it will be very hard and could take months of going through judicial systems etc, but once you manage to get over that steep bridge, you will find peace inshaAllah. Think of it like this - this is your mini-Jihaad. Once you are living in peace and security away from this man, you can teach your children about Islam and serve Allah the way you want to. The Law will also be on your side inshaAllah.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you any more practical advice for now, but please email me if you want to inshaAllah and I will be more than happy to talk to you.

Sister Z
Editor,. IslamicAnswers.com


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8 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    sis no one in there right mind would be with a psycho like him. you should have called the police when he first layed his hands on you. okay hitting you that is already bad as it is but chokeing you that seems like he wants to kill you, i wont be suprise even if does kill you the way its going.

    tell him you want a divorce and if he does take your name off everythin and doesnt give you money then who cares it doesnt matter whats important is YOUR LIFE and your freedom.

    have you told your parents about this serious matter? or his parents? notify the shariah council in your area and the POLICE, guys like that need to be locked up.

    im sure you can find apartments some where, you can apply for child beefit etc im sure theres help out there for single mothers its al about researching..

    hope thins work out...........

    ma salma

  2. You feel bad because you have learned to, you have forgotten what it is like to be free, to be empowered and to want something good for yourself. But your guilt has no grounds here. Do you know it is illegal to treat even an ANIMAL in this way? You dont need his permission to divorce him - you just get right out of there, go to your nearest police station with your childen and get a restraining order on him whilst you sort yourself out. Time to be strong now OK? Time to stand up and take charge.

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    one more thing i forgot to mention, since you got children it is important for them not to witness this barbaric nature. cos whilst they are growing up kids pick up on these little things and when they see there dad beating up there mother on a regular basis what do you think how they will react/think? most likely they will think this is natural for parents to do that so whan they grow up they will also do the same thing what there parents did.

    so for the future of your kids and you take your leave....

    ma salama

  4. Sister...

    You deserve to be treated with respect, love and care, NOT the way your husband is treating you. In his last sermon, Muhammed (saw) made a short speech. One of the topics he chose to speak about was the treatment of women:

    "O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers."

    Also see:

    Quran - Surah An-Nisa' (The Women):
    Verse 1: "O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allâh through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship) . Surely, Allâh is Ever an All­ Watcher over you."

    Your husband is grossly mistreating you and your children through this violent and mental abuse - you must get away from such a person. Admitting that you will take no more of his vile treatment towards you and saying that you want to divorce him must have taken alot of courage on your part. Many women are not able to do this for a long time or sometimes never and sadly allow themselves to become statistics of domestic abuse.

    Sister - Allah has given you your rights. Hence you have a responsibility to use the intellect that Allah(swt) has given you to protect yourself and to fulfil the rights of your children. At present you and your children are in danger Sister. You need someone to help you realise your self worth again. If you knew how much value Allas has given women through Islam, you would remove yourself from this degrading situation.

    Remember you are here on earth to serve Allah - not to become a slave and servant to your abusive husband.

    Do you have any family or good friends whom you can confide in? Do you know anyone trustworthy enough who would take you and children in for a while?

    I know you have children so you are worried about not having a roof over your head or any financial maintenance. But sister, what you have described is clearly Domestic Violence and so the law will definitely be on your side. Below are the telephone numbers for the National Domestic Violence Hotlines in the:

    UK: 0808 2000 247 and
    USA:1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
    If you live in another country, I am sure there will be a similar service provided.

    I know a sick man just like your husband - he does all the same things to his pious, intelligent and beautiful wife, who has just had their fourth child. He uses the following things to make her feel absolutely worthless:

    - sleep deprivation
    - hunger
    - hours/days of verbal abuse
    - hours/days of singing sick songs about hell/heaven
    - physical violence (during pregnancy aswell)
    - spits at her and in the food she cooks
    - says that she has no right over the family house or money or anything
    - limits the amount of money she can spend
    - verbally abuses her deceased father and other family members
    - has also raised his hand to her family members aswell
    - works from home, so to keep an eye on her
    - makes her do exercise even when she is tired and hungry
    - doesnt let her see her family

    She has been married 17 sorry years and is too scared to leave him because she thinks she will not be able to give her children the same financial maintenance her husband can give. However, deep down I know this is an excuse. Really, she is scared that he will never leave her alone even if she left him and also strangely enough, she thinks she needs to 'help him' - she is obviously confused. His behaviour is affecting her mental well being so much so that she has started hallucinating at times. But she still refuses to leave him and it is so frustrating to stand back and watch her go through this. And moreso to watch her children suffer.

    These type of men try to scare you by telling you that they will transfer all the money from their bank accounts and remove your name from the family property and make it seem to others that in fact you are the one who has mental health issues etc. By saying such things, it can only make an already broken and vulnerable woman feel that no-one will be on her side and she will be destitute if she leaves. However the Police and Judiciary system are well experienced in dealing with such cases - they are not stupid or gullible enough to believe everything the husbands say in such domestic violence matters.

    If you decided to report your husband to the police, (in the UK and USA), and matters were taken further, you would not have to leave the house - but your husband would. He would also 'have' to provide for your children financially - even if you divorced him. And if for whatever reason you could not afford to continue to living at the family home, you would be given council housing because of your situation. You may not have the same standard of material living that you have at the moment.

    But would you rather live in a council flat and have peace of mind, or would you rather stay with your abusive husband, thereby retaining all your material comforts but living a life of degredation and mental/physical torture? And also risk affecting your children emotionally/physically.

    Sister - it must be so very daunting to even think of taking such a big step alone. So I would strongly advise you to:
    - Confide in a family member/close friend asap.
    - Seek Legal help - if you know your rights (and you do have many), you will feel empowered. If you are in the UK, you will be able to get free legal advice because you are not working. I don't know about any other country.
    - Go to the police. Don't worry, they will not come charging in to arrest your husband on the spot, as they will want to do what is best for you. They will most probably help you make arrangements for you to be safe first and will take action after discussing it with you. I know this, because I tried to help the sister I mentioned above - but to no avail as she decided not to admit anything to the Police or to the Welfare services who I contacted a number of times.
    - Speak to an Imaam with regards to your divorce/separation matters.

    Hopefully you will remove yourself and your children from this situation before this man is able to abuse you again emotionally or physically, BUT if he gets to you first - you MUST report this directly to the Police and to your Doctor straightaway. Your husband clearly has character problems or mental health issues - he needs to get help and prove that he has changed before he is worthy of being anyone's husband. And this would take alot of time.

    You need to take a positive step for your own sake and for your children's sake. God forbid if he injures you badly or even kills you (because that is a possibility), who would look after your children? You want to make your children strong individuals right? Well, you are their first female role model. They will look up to you and follow in your footsteps. You still have the chance of showing them a strong Muslim role model through yourself if you stand up for yourself inshaAllah.

    Sis - Trust Allah. When you take that step, it will be very hard and could take months of going through judicial systems etc, but once you manage to get over that steep bridge, you will find peace inshaAllah. Think of it like this - this is your mini-Jihaad. Once you are living in peace and security away from this man, you can teach your children about Islam and serve Allah the way you want to. The Law will also be on your side inshaAllah.

    I'm sorry I havent been able to give you any more practical advice for now, but please email me if you want to inshaAllah and I will be more than happy to talk to you.

  5. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    "Can somebody please give me the strength to leave him. He is very Controlling, abusive mentally physically."

    I hear your heartfelt cry and I wish I could swoop in and rescue you. No human being deserves to be tortured in such a manner, and you have put up with more than a reasonable person would tolerate. However, it is not within my power to rescue you. Who has the power to save you? YOU DO. Allah created you as a woman, and we women have power that we often don't recognize. Our power can become our weakness, though, when we allow our ability to endure pain to cause us to put up with horrible abuse. You need to get out of the situation, but you have to take the first steps yourself.

    After having put yourself in a passive mode for so long, it will be a challenge to become active again and do what you need to do. First, you start with a call to whatever local social services agencies exist in your community. Call the local battered women's shelter and tell them you have suffered ongoing abuse. If your husband pushes, spits, hits, or otherwise acts against you in a physical manner, get away and call the police AT THAT TIME. You have no duty to protect him from "shame" because the shame is his and he deserves to be hauled away in handcuffs. Your duty now is to yourself and your children. Have the courage to take the first step.

    Remember, this "man" does not provide you with anything. Allah is the One who provides, and if your husband is out of the picture, Allah will continue to provide for you and yours. This is not to say that the next span of time, six months or a year, won't be a challenge and be exhausting and heartbreaking. But it will begin a process that, inshAllah, will lead to a better life.

    If you start to weaken, think of this: If you have girls, you are teaching them to see abuse as normal, and they have a high likelihood of growing up and entering an abusive relationship. If you have boys, you are teaching them that when they are adult and get married, they are supposed to deal with any conflicts with their fists. You are teaching your children that women have no worth. Is that a lesson you wish to impart to the next generation? If you cannot be strong for yourself, be strong for them. Yes, being in a shelter or a horrible apartment with few posessions will be awful. But that "awful" will be temporary, rather than the permanent hell of your marriage.

    Seek help, and don't be too proud to take what is offered to you at this time. If you can get help from the Muslim community, then that is a big blessing, but in reality they are often behind the times in regards to domestic violence issues and they might naively advise you to "stay and pray", advice that is unsound and potentially dangerous. If you have to reach out to another social service agency, even one with a religious foundation, do so. Utilize what is out there and then when you are on your feet again, inshAllah you can work to help other Muslim women to overcome similar challenges. Just realizing you are not alone will be a big help.

    Remember, rely on Allah, but recognize that YOU will have to do the difficult daily work to change your life. I am in the United States, and not knowing what country you are in, I don't know what agency to refer you to, but here in the US is the following group:

    http://www.baitulsalaam.net/

    If you can write a follow up comment and tell us where you are, inshAllah we can be more specific with our advice.

    You are in my du'as and I pray that Allah helps you gather your strength so you can become the Muslim woman you deserve to be - strong and proud.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  6. My advice is prepare prepare prepare - speak to a lawyer, look into your assets and finances and make sure you have fully prepared for what will happen afterward. Abusive partners often up the abuse, manipulation and fear tactics when their victim finds the strength to leave them.

    Preparation is the key - and patience your best friend. Dont let him know what you are doing until all the preparations are done and dusted, make sure you have some support from family or friends, know your rights and dont let him know you are planning it.

    Once you have planned your way out - and the year ahead - then leave. And dont look back.

  7. dear sister,

    i want to tell you my own experience.my mother went through exactly the same for 33 yrs of her life and it only ended with my fathers death. but by this time she has lost all her youth, charm, intelligence , freedom , self esteem, self respect , decision making, education etc. the whole neighbourhood knew as she was once beaten up and started to bleed so we children ran out of the house to get some help and the whole neighbour was standing out watching the whole drama. there were many more events every so often in our lives.

    i wished every minute of my life that i lived in a western country where i could call police for help.

    we all children 4 of us grew up in a very violent environment. and we all wished that our father was dead. you can imagine what impact this violence had on our lives that we prayed that our father was dead. there were several reasons for him being like this which i can explain only some now. but i think i feel sorry for him now that Allah gave him such a loving family but he could not enjoy it.

    alhamdullilah , as always Allah help those who help themselves , we all invested our energy in studies and mashallah we all are doing very in our careers.but whats lacking in our lives is the confidence and love that a good father can give. i still think that iam not good enough as my father instilled in me that iam woth nothing. one of my brother still cant forget that my father spend all that he recievd as gift for his school fees and he was left to borrow from others. my sister does not know what to do when her husband is agressive towards her whether to stand up for her rights or be a slave like her mother. my other brother because of all this has turned towards homosexuallity.

    so you see my sister , abuse of any kind is not permissible in islam for a reason, it has longterm impacts. opression is bad but not standing gainst opression is also a sin. if some one would have encouraged my mother to stand against this violence iam sure things would have been different. i still wish i was in a country where you could threat that ' i will call police if you hurt me'.

    it is not just my story i can tell you lots of real life stories where moms have spend all there lives as suferers for the sake of kids but are the kids not still suferers?

    seek help my friend for yourself and for your kids. Allah is with you.

    take care.

  8. Sister do u have family u can go and stay with? If u do, stay there and go to a lawyer. U deserve better, its s shame tat men beat up and abuse their wives. I have no idea how they do that. Y don't they go and pick on other men's, afraid of betting beat up themselves. I would say if he puts u thru this, god forgives if u guys have a huge argument and he would just might end ur life. U never know Wats he's capable of once he gets really angry. Just leave em for ur own good. Good luck sister.

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