Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am lost, betrayed and a failure

Man saying dua

I am an 18 year old born in an extended family in Africa. By nature the way I was born, I am shy and an introvert. I go to Islamiyah with my four brothers. I was the second senior and the last of my mother out of 5, we are all from different mothers. Our difference in age is just one one year gap.

I was once a leader and captain, I gain the trust of our Head and my Mallam too, I did well in my homework and grades or exams and the sort of person that cries when he lose and never like cheating because I will tell our teacher if you do so.

Out of the 4, I believe that I was the one that was not exposed to life such as flirting with women, and talking to girls and be matured because that's what is trending in my country. I didn't know about love, there was a time my sister told me a girl admire and like me for the person I am, I went to beat her not knowing I committed a mistake because I didn't know about love and living with women.

I don't know about other countries, but I leave in a country where people like to dominate and give you orders by force. As the captain of my classmates and small rising students, they obeyed me so much and adhered to instructions.

There was a time we went to school and we were given assignment, our parents told us we must do finish it before we go to Islamiyah in the early morning 7am during weekends and we were late, as we went to the Islamiyah, one of the teachers that teach other classes asked us why we didn't come early and trying to make him understand why we didn't make it early because of our parents, he ignored that and start flogging us. I couldn't control my emotions and I shouted at him and one of his friends started slapping me, I told him why would he slap since I didn't offend him and ask for forgiveness due to lateness due to our parents permission. I went home angrily, the next thing the teacher did was to tell the other children I teach that if they see me, they should never obey, greet and listen to me. My brothers told me everything and I couldn't go back to the Islamiyah for months, after seeking forgiveness from the Head of our Islamiyah and the teacher I shouted to, I resume but I lose all the respect of everyone in the school except for the newcomers and those that were not around when it happen.

This is the beginning when everything started going miserable for me in life, everything I put my hands on and may be asked to do something with others in a group, when it fails, I thought I was the cause of the failure. Things went bad for me all the time and became the saddest time.

I was choosing for a debate and Hadith during the Walimah, before it happens, we practise everything, I was very perfect at it and thought everything is going to be good for me again. When the day came when I was call upon, I started by Assalamu Alaikum and Bismillah Rahmani Rahim and I forgot everything I revised and practise. I was help by a Sheikh and I continue, and at some point I forgot everything. The saddest day and I cried a lot.

Things never went good in Islamiyah because I have lost all the trust and respect I had.

During Eid-Fitr, My senior brother wanted a girl but I never know or think about her suddenly ask my junior brother for my number, she called and we discussed and everything started going well and like a relationship, my senior brother asked her so that we two could meet at a bridge and be together, but I didn't know much about love still, I have never touch or hug a girl in my life.

I concentrated on Islam fully but I regretted, I told the girl I am going to beat her if she joke with me again and I ask my brother why would he said we should meet at the bridge and have love with her.

She got admitted into the school I go to and enter the same car of our father as lift when going to school, but I never like her but I didn't know what love is about despite I am growing, the girl was never at peace and she's seem to like the life where a boy is having love with and touching each other and that's how we end up. I regretted and am because I was never used to it.

My mother was the first wife and my senior brother is the first son of the second wife, his mother never like me and was discussing with her friend whose son is my friend that I am this person and that, I knew my friend mother told him this and that about me and from the way he change towards make me not to talk to him again but I respected others.

In my area, we have two tribes and one is the most superior and the person who command his fellows ones as a leader is my friend but he never defeated me in any task at Islamiyah and he is envy that I am better than him and also I was captain but when he discover that I don't talk to the friend whose mother said about me, he commanded his fellow ones who are of the same tribe with him to ignore me when I greet them.

I remember the day when I saw them in group and I tried to greet and shake hands with them and they took their face away in public, I was confused and become lost in life. He thought that was the best way to destroy me and lead the line because he was present the day the previous incident occurred.

I never became the best in studies or even good again. The whole area knew about me then and I was afraid I am going to lose everyone. He was telling my junior brother that he will never rescue me in any situation he finds me and he said so many abuses to me, my brother to tell me. I became lost, my brother was somehow of a hypocrite and he betrayed me also. I realized my entire mistake. I ask Allah for forgiveness.

I was trying to watch wrestling that day when I was testing some cassette and suddenly pornography came up on the TV and I was never able to avoid it. You can understand how miserable it is. I go to toilet all the time every 5 minutes and I tried all I can to avoid it in the Name of Allah but I cannot. As I got used to the Internet and have tablet with me, I got addicted to it completely, watch it all the time and I have free Internet but Insha Allah I have stop it.

Today, my brothers are enjoying the paros and life while I am at home like the most depressed human being. Its like I have to start from square one again and with a new life, new beginning. Since I had the first incidents with my Mallam. It was like a curse has been place on me that I will never succeed again. I disappoint vast majority of the people that trusted me in one way or the other.

I remember this year, I went to an elder and a friend who trusted me a lot, I ask him to borrow me his Xbox 360 and he said I should pick anyone I like, this is because he knows I will return it the way he gave me. I didn't tell him I am not the one to use because maybe he won't trust the person I am giving it to. Those that knows about video game consoles like Xbox know how much expensives they are. I gave my friend at School and the day I handed it over to him, one of his friends broke and the friend pretend like he was not the one, and he sneakly put it bag in my friends bag, he my friend knew the person that broke the disk but he was afraid to tell him. I believe this is because the disks are his, if not, I don't imagine a person of his nature will allow the person that broke it to go scot free. He then came back and explain to me, I said don't worry, I will Insha Allah find a way to talk to the owner. He took the remaining disk home. His console was not good but he din't tell me that it has spoiled two disks FIfa 12 and Call of Duty. The owner started asking dme to bring back his disks to him, I was afraid to tell him because I don't know what wil happen, I kept on teling him that I use to forgot it at home when I am going to shop so that I can come give him in his house. It came to a point where he became very angry and suspicious, I finally told him but lie also because of fear of punishment that my brothers at home broke it, he said "Is this how I gave you, you that I trusted, is this how you will pay me back?", he hissed and went away with his friends.

I never imagined my friend would spoil his disks, I went to meet a friend of the person that borrowed me disk. I explained to him everything and he went with me to the owner, he pleaded but he said he will not forgive me. He couldn't allow me talk because it will make him more angry, he told his friend, that he thought I was a gentle and pious and shy human but I turned to be something else.

I was doomed and I thought, I will not succeed again due to past and not forgiving me is the toughest for me to bear. I told my friend whom I gave to the disk to please help me gather money to buy the disks and return it, he never bothered and he never picked my call, he was avoiding me totally. A disks worth over 250 dollars is above my hand and I don't even earn $1 a day. I finally made up my mind to beg the owner for forgiveness, I went to their house and as bid as I am as an adult of 18 year old, I was crying begging him for forgiveness. He finally forgive me and I was the happiest kid and I thank Almighty Allah.

But he the owner did spread the news to everyone he knows in our area and even the people that still trusted me that this is what has done and it turns out the people that respected and trusted has now make a fool and worthless human being.

I work in a cafe and one knows how busy activities are, a man that trusted and believe in my abilities and like me handed his phone and ask me to root it for him. The phone is worth around $300 and the day he gave it to me was the day it was stolen in my brothers shop, I was reluctant to tell him but finally told him the truth and I didn't lie. In his heart, he is very angry and sad but since he had junior ones like me as his brothers at home, he said there is no problem that I shouldn't worry. That's how these incidents end.

I don't know whether is a test from Allah or it is a curse by someone I offended mistakenly, I have done a lot wrong things in my life and the only thing I realized from the past is I should be contented with the way Allah created me and I should not try and change myself for the selfish interest of anybody. I am depressed everday and I am loosing weight.

The only person I can never let down is a girl. Its not a joke but since I have ever wanted and dream about her even in my prayers, I have never looked at another lady twice no matter.

Please forgive me, My story and question was long but the reason is I need answers and well detailed explanation.

Due to financial issues my father is retired, we moved to another school. My brother is kind of a cool guy while I am normal person, but in my country, if you don't have what is called swags, girls see you as a kid but I can never change myself because of them since I don't talk to them or I am not going to marry anyone of them.

I thought a new adventure has begins and can discover the real me of before who was kind and gentle, I got the respect and trust of all the teachers, my new class mates and the principal. The third day I went to school, one of my classmate as a new friend called a girl a name I never heard before and I want to know the true meaning, since I was quiet, imagined she asked me to excuse her with hissing. Without hesitation, I gave her space to sit down.

My junior brother I don't talk to because of his hypocrisy. He discussed about the girl at home to my brothers and sisters, I never interfere in what they are saying, (I was a depressed and thinking all the time in deep human being) he said the girl is a very pious and practising Muslim and always recite Qur'an. On Friday, we went to visit our friend in the hostel and on our way coming back, the girl I met with her two friends came our way, the girl gaze at me to the last, to tell the truth, she is the most beautiful I have ever seen and because of her nature and life I had my brother said and I observed her. She is the best and her dressing is out of this world.

I became in love, she was very shy and I was too, we couldn’t meet to talk to each other because we are two shy human beings (the girl that wanted to embarrass me as a new comer). I was behaving over childish and so she was because I was never matured enough and I was never exposed to life and having a love with a girl. It lasted for over 4 months she could understand that somebody was in love with her. I was happy all day that I have met someone in life as an Angel, it seems like a joke but my studies started improving and I was discovering the best me. I could never imagine someone like me will ever do such a thing. The girl really likes seeing me and I never sleep or think without dreaming with her as my wife.

I started hearing some gossips about me from other girls and boys and even my senior brother that we were behaving foolish and childish, I lose trust in him. I am the type of person when you said something about me; I become obsessed and deep in thought about what will happen to me because of the past. I was hurt and betrayed. The next day I went to school after resumption, As I was coming out of my class, she saw me from an angle and she quickly rush downstairs and when I saw her coming, I went back. She feel hurt and the reasons I did it was because of what people were saying about me, I never wanted to offend anybody because of the past. I was hurt and she too soon heard about the story and gossip.

I couldn't come out of my class for many months even during breakfast while every other students including my senior bro was busy enjoying the swagger life with a girl. She was hurt and she couldn't come out of her class just like as I did because of shame and what happen. I and she were leaving with depressions all the time, because I never saw her outside just stranded in the class.

I slowly start to overcome it and becoming stronger and she too did well because I notice it. The sit mate I had as a friend who was competing with my brother to attract women soon heard about the story too, he believed in me and I trust him a lot.

A day came when we were in class during free period, I was like trying to create ask him about a book and he ignored me in front of many student, I felt dead but I survived.

A day came when a teacher was mad at the assembly ground at some students and he came to inspect our lines and for no reasons, he accused me of doing wrong and when my emotions got high, i shouted at him in front of every students and teachers, I regretted and beg Allah for forgiveness. Everybody lose his trust and hope in me again.

Its like everywhere I go to, I will always be a failure, I hardly go to Islamiyah again and everything changed in my life. The most painful thing is I forgot everything knowledge I have and who I am and don't know how to decide what is right or wrong.

I am too young and I have hurt a girl that deserved not to be hurt. After this, It’s like a spell has been cast on me that I will always fail. I can hardly trust anybody again; I never smile again no matter how funny a thing is but this is not who I am. I will never lie and make fake promise, but the girl I love is the most complete among all the women I have met and I want to marry her. We have talk to each other before despite in love with each other. I tried to make her understand what is happening and I know I hurt her soul, but it was never intentional. She refuse and she is not the person she once was before this incidents occurred, she became a sad person all the time and depression.

I believe in Allah. Many girls wanted me in my remedial programme but I was never interested because I truly have this special woman in my heart. I will never sugarcoat my words and I am ready to sacrifice my life for her, she just graduated from high school and we apply for the same course at the university but she didn't know.

Despite the past, she is the one I dream with everyday. She suit me so much that she is only persons that knows about my nature and know what I can do and cannot and believe me, I can predict her too and what she is going to do or not. I don't about women or love with them, I look at women a lot because they are humans, but I didn't know they find it rude and stupid, but I never know it was haram to gaze a lot of women but never for a purpose.

I soon discovered this was one of the reasons she doesn't want me or trust mean because of this, I never look at women again no what matter who you are or beautiful and even want to talk to me. Pornography made me fear my life and that I will become the most utter worthless human being. I am shy and it seems I cannot talk to any girl if she is around because I don't know what she will be thinking and wishing me.

I can never concentrate on my studies again because of this thing that has happen. I can't leave her. I don't know if I have committed the biggest of all sins in my life that will never make me succeed in life. I try to change but cannot because it is the most difficult thing to do.

Out of 5 of us that my mother gave birth to, the first three are the firsts born, the female first, a male 35 second and a male 29 third. The second drink alcohol and smoke since early 20s and up till now while the third is a graduate but runs a cafe of his own. One could see the difference between the two. When I was always does wrong, instead of correction my mother abuse me and said we are of the same characteristics with the second and I will end up being like him. She is the best and my guardian. It seems she wants me to be the same as then third but that is impossible because we are not the same and we were not raised in the same environments, this made me a confused human being because I don't know what is right or wrong again.

And I am empty the only thing I am afraid of now it’s like I cannot change my destiny and I will be a failure till my end in this world. Please help me, I want to be the person I once was for good.


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3 Responses »

  1. Asalaam Walaikum.

    We all as humans go through phases where our imaan ruses and falls its natural.

    However we must never lose hope ... This is the true heart of a beleiver. Pray to Allah alone and genuinly throw everything at Allah, all your problems and what you wish for ... make dua and cry to Allah. Insha'Allah once you do that yoy will realise that whatever we face in this dunya is minor and the real focus is the Akhirah.

    Forget people and just think about Allah and you'll be alright.

  2. Remind yourself that this dunya is temporary and the pain of this world only serves to highlight how we don't want to be here forever, but instead we work towards a higher goal of attaining jannah in our permanent life. Try and focus on the positives in your life, sometimes we get so caught up in everything that's going wrong in our life, we forget the many many blessings Allah has given us.

  3. Dear Brother,

    What you are going through is quite normal.These are the different stages in our life.We learn some lessons but still we fail this is how things goes on.What already had happened is nothing can be done now.

    You see there is lot of difference in culture from every country to country.You can see the difference from one city to another .We muslims doesnt have to confuse our life with society and people.Our role model is Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) and his companions (R.A) . If we look into prophets life ,we can find there is lot of patience,wonderful character,wisdom,love,humility etc etc. Apply prophets way in your life .

    Do you need honour . Look what Quran says about it.

    “Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa” [al-Hujrat 49:13].

    You need a confirmation for your provision ,look what Allah says in quran

    “And whoever fears Allah, for him Allah brings forth a way out, and gives him provision (rizq) from where he does not even imagine…” (Surah At-Talaq: 2/3)

    Once, Saiyyidina Umar ibn al-Khattab (radhiallahu anho) asked Saiyyidina Ka’ab Ahbaar (radhiallahu anho): “What is the reality of Taqwa?”

    Ka’ab (radhiallahu anho) said: “Have you ever passed a thorny tree?”

    Umar (radhiallahu anho) answered: “Yes.”

    Ka’ab (radhiallahu anho) asked: “How did you pass?”

    Umar (radhiallahu anho) answered: “I passed with such care that I ensured that no thorn got caught into my hem.”

    Ka’ab (radhiallahu anho) then elaborated: “In the very same way, the reality of Taqwa is for one to save himself from the thorns of sins and negligence.”

    So, this is the first thing with which Allah Ta’ala promised the righteous believers, that He will ease every difficulty of theirs and provide for them all their needs from resources they never expected or thought about.

    My brother do not fall into the traps of shaitan.Keep yourself away from sin.Do not watch tv(movies), non maharam girl or woman which is now days through social media and many other ways,porn ,music.Protect your imaan. Keep yourself busy with studies and in free time engage yourself with tabligh brothers to do dawah and invite your fellow muslim brothers towards masjid.You be the role model for others.This way you will be always engaged and protected .

    When Allah loves his slave he commands his angels to love the person and Allah puts mercy for him in other humans heart. So strive to gain the love of Allah.

    May Allah guide you... aameen

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