How can I marry someone else when my heart belongs to him?
Dear Readers, Brothers and Sisters
I'm shamefully writing this email out of sheer desperation, guilt, lonliless, well a lot of emotions, just so I can share my experience and turn to someone for guidance, anyone that will help me understand what I'm going through.
Firstly, let me tell you, I am single and am in my mid thirties. I have been in a long-term relationship with a married man for 10 years. He was married into his family clan, into a loveless marriage, full of hate, bitterness and daily arguments. He has lived and slept separately from his wife for all this time. Sometimes, twice a year, she'd stay at his house for the sake of a roof over her head - they haven't been intimate with one another since he's met me. He never has loved her, maybe cared for her once. I've heard her praying for his death, she smokes and swears so much and always talks down to him in front of his family and her family.
I met him through my place of work and I didn't really like him and kept my distance. I am a good person, and don't smoke or drink and don't cause any grief to anyone. We grew close in the month of Ramadan and he kept approaching me, I stayed at a distance because to me he was a friend and married. He'd had his 2nd child around the time we met but didn't have any sort of bond. I later learned he used to drink himself to oblivion because his wife used to kick up a stink if she didn't get her haq so he'd force himself to sleep with her. He has 2 children which he loves dearly now but no love or care for his wife .
We're in love with each other, we've practically grew up together, shared our feelings, our worries - everything, just like a married couple. He even asked me to marry him a few times and each time I said yes. I even lost a child and also have aborted due to the fear of what may happen to our child on the day of judgement and what would happen to us. This was a heartbreaking decision. We both love each other so much and we both thought that we'd be there for each other. The last 2 years have been straining as my parents want me to get married and settle down, but how can I? We are in love. He has stopped me leaving him before as I said if he can't marry me then maybe we shouldn't be together, but that was me kidding myself - I couldn't leave my love. I truly believe in love and it's not something you give out like sweets. You love once.
I know for some readers, you will be quick to judge me and look down in disgust at me. This kind of behavior is not in my nature, nor did I plan this, nor did I ever expect that I'd be in this position. I always thought I'd live a good Muslim life and now I'm in a nightmare - not my relationship but the fact ever since I've been with him, my conscience has been telling me that we should get married and I've talked it through with him, cried to him...but to no avail. He cannot leave his wife out of fear he will lose his children and this has led him into depression. If he knew she wanted a divorce, he would leave her straightaway and marry me but he is afraid that by speaking up she will cause grief and poison his children against him.
Both he and I are reading namaz and have not seen each other for the last 3 months because now he feels that he cannot give me marriage because of this same fear and he doesn't want to be selfish towards me. He cried so much it was heartbreaking for both of us because we're both unhappy at the thought of living the rest of our lives without one another. I have tried telling him that, everyone in this situation is living a lie and that we should be honest, hence me being honest with the readers here. I don't know what to tell him, other than I love his children too and I know if we get married inshallah, then I can provide the stability that he needs for him and the children. If I had any doubt there was a chance for him to be happy with his wife then I wouldn't have been with him this many years. I'd have walked away. They've been in this situation, well before I was in the picture. In fact, he wasn't the best of persons before I met him...he drank, used drugs, smoked, slept with other women out of hate, all because this is what he knew.
Brothers and sisters, I know that for a lot of you this would be disturbing and sickening, we are in love. We want to be with one another properly...he has decided to sacrifice his happiness, me and is going to try to let me go. I am seeking forgiveness from Allah swt in my duas, and asking to remove him from my thoughts, my head and heart if he is not right for me, but to no avail. I feel like my husband has died and I'm in mourning. I had plans of a small wedding, going to Hajj with him, raising his children with him...I can't begin to tell you the despair I am in. I cry each day and feel my heart has been ripped out. His thoughts are with me day and night, I read qalimah, namaz and listen to aayats. I want to do Istikarah and believe he should do the same. He already loves my family which makes all of this unbearable. I miss him dearly and don't know what steps to take. I'm not even praying for his marriage to break up, I'm praying for a way onto the right path. I just dream of our wedding, we'd be so happy.
There is so much other detail I could share, but I've just stated the main facts. We are in love, he's married with kids to a woman he doesn't love. There is no way to sort the marriage out. We've discussed this and I've even suggested he speak with an Imam or marriage counselor. He'll stay married to her for the sake of his children - he doesn't want to lose them.
How can I even consider marriage now? How could I start a marriage with someone when my heart belongs to him? I couldn't hurt another person, I just couldn't live with the guilt.
Please help me, help me do what's right
Your sister in despair
aamna
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Dear sister,
I understand you are very heart broken, but realize that your heart will be broken if you are entering into an illegal relationship. This is why Allah warns us to stay away from the opposite sex and makes it very very clear.
I dont care if this man has a loving marriage, loveless marriage, long distance relationship, etc etc- the point is- he is off limits. You have wasted 10 years of your life with a man whom you cannot have, and the consequence is a broken heart.
I suggest you start reading the quraan sister, trust that Allah has a plan for us all. You may not be able to love again in a long time, but if you make sincere repentance and get close to Allah and read his book - Allah will take care of you as he is the healer of all pain.
Realize in your heart what you did was very very wrong, pray, and ask Allah to find you a righteous husband or even to just be at peace with your own soul if that is what you need at the moment.
Also, take this as a lesson to learn how to interact with the opposite sex, as we take male "friendships" too loosely. There is no such thing as a male friendship and do not let it happen again, and inshallah when you avoid things for the sake of Allah he will give you something much much better in return whether in this life of the hereafter.
I wish you a speedy healing sister from you broken heart, take care of yourself, and have a relationship with Allah instead of this man.
Allah knows best and I hope I have said something meaningful.
Assalamualaikum,
From your post, I understand that he indulged in Khamr (intoxicants) and Zina before he met you, and he did Zina with you when you both met (I say this from your mention about abortion and miscarriage).
This is certainly a life full of sin and Allah's disobedience. Such life is far from having barakah. Worship does not help you if you live a haraam life.
Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam made mention of a man who is constantly in journeys and has dishevelled hair and dusty appearance (due to constant journeys for performing acts of righteousness such as Hajj, Umra, seeking knowledge etc.) and he raises his hands towards the sky saying “O my Rabb. O my Rabb”. But his food is from haraam. His drink is from haraam. His clothes are from haraam. He is nourished from haraam. How can it (his prayer) be accepted?” (Muslim)
Living a life which is Haraam is not worth it. Can you compare it with a life of contentment and the Halaal kind of life? Can you compare it with the life of a person whose duas are accepted by Allah? Sins make the dua weightless, so one should get out of sins as soon as possible.
No one is judging you, but showing you the true colors of life. The statement you made: " You love once" is just a myth. It is as false as the fairy tales. There is no love but what is Pleasing to Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala. There is no good for you in waiting, sister. If he chooses to stay with his wife, there is no reason for you to wait.
You would probably be waiting and committing sins for 10 more years.
Love is good, as long as it does not take you away from the path of Allah, from His Obedience. So, sister, take this advise: move ahead and marry someone else, who will help you earn the pleasure of Allah.
I undedstand you are heart broken and you are distressed, but the Aakhirah is truth that can't be ignored. Be wise and do not mess your Aakhirah at the cost of petty "happiness" of this World.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother/Sister,whoever wil be reading this message. (Remainder of the comment has been deleted)
Muskaan, you have been asked again and again to submit your question separately. We may not entertain your post if you leave more comments on different posts.
If you submit your post, we will make sure that it is catered to, when its turn comes, in sha Allah. You can follow the instructions in this link.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I can't understand why women attach themselves to someone who is unavailable to them.
It is easy for you to tell us how the guy's wife is so horrible. However, the reality is she has had to suffer alone and raise the kids herself while her shameless husband has been having illicit relations with you. Her husband is primarily at fault as he is the one married but you knowing that he had a wife and kids make you as guilty as him. As for her smoking, bad yes but a lot less worse than you and her husband's selfish and destructive haram relationship.
No wonder the world is in a mess, when kids have to suffer because of the perverse transgressions of those who are meant to care for them.
Love is easily mistaken for lust and the shaytaan creates false desire. I can't understand how you can say you read namaaz and then carry on like this.
If this sounds harsh then so be it. You can't sugar coat this kind of stuff. That's how zina has become so common place these days. People get married for the sake of it, can't be bothered to invest the time and be respectful in the first place and then go off and commit adultery. Then expect sympathy because you're in love.
You briefly mentioned aborting your unborn for fear of Judgement Day. You can't be selective in what you choose to regard as a punishable offence. Besides, abortion is forbidden unless it endangers the life of either mother or child to be.
well said Rashida! completely agree
If you both love each other this much then why don't you get a islamic nikkah done...in islam a man is allowed to get married upto 4 times.he doesn't have to divorce the first wife. Life is toooo short wot have regrets. Best thing is to do istaqkhaara..you will get the right guidance
Salam
If you really love the guy so much and he cant leave his wife why dont you become his second wife. You can just do the nikah then at least your relatipnship will not be haram.
On the other hand do you really want to spend your life with a perspn who encourages living life in sin. Think about it he had an affair behind his wifes back!. He indulged in zina and abortion. He was no good before marriage either. Having a loveless marriage is no excuse for commiting sins!
It takes two to tango. How do you know that his wife os not upset about his behavouir towards her and thats why she is horrible to him. Only he is the one to blame for his sin.
Dear Sister,
you said he does not want to be selfish towards you but infect over the past 10 years, he has been selfish towards you. He has used you by all means; for his projection, displacement of emotions. Sister open your eyes, if he had loved you he would have married you with out taking care of anything. I know you love him a lot but it does not mean that we cross the limits set by Allah. we do not get everything in life according to our will. At this stage i do not ask you to get married instantly. Rather take a break, keep your self away from him, console yourself and try to come out of this. The emotional closer of your past relationship is very important before you enter into a new one otherwise it will ruin your next relationship as well. Please sister think this relationship as over because you have already been a victim of his dramatic emotional projection and its time to say goodbye. Ask for forgiveness, Allah forgives.
I would have to disagree on terms of marriage to someone you do not want to marry in the first place. It is hard to break away from family, but it is even harder to have your own life spelled out for you through a marriage of not your choosing.
The fault is both spouses who don't love each other and being selfish in bringing children into their bitter world. Just to complete a Muslim requirement. Now both hate each other and the kids are seeing all this nonsense. The man is unhappy and so is the wife, one has children to occupy her with and the other another woman.
You need to get away from this man and get a real life, it will only make it harder for you in the long run as you are not getting any younger. You are wasting time on something that has not value.
For the man and the wife that can't get along, besides turning to Allah for guidance, they should seek out relationship counselling or talk to the someone who can help in some way. Doing this alone is not right.
Thank you my brothers and sisters for your help and guidance. I've learnt that people are very quick to judge and I suppose this is a natural reaction. You must understand me that I am not perfect and nor did I plan any of this. I lost my way and truly fell in love because you grow up believing in meeting a man, falling in love, getting married and having children. It's the way of life. My love for this man was not a lie or a joke, I gave him 100% loyalty and honesty. I actually carried out a relationship, the type of relationship I too am so against! I was weak. This doesn't mean I've stopped loving him but have distanced ourselves from one another. I hope Allah swt can forgive me, forgive us for our wrongdoing. I am sorry to have hurt another woman like this. Regardless of her circumstances. I wish we had met under different circumstance and married in a halal way the way Allah swt intended. Allah swt knows best and I turn to Him for guidance for the remaining time I have left on this earth. Thank you once again everyone I appreciate your views and opinions and understand that I have to let go. inshallah in time I may be able to say Khuda Hafiz, for now I can only pray to Allah swt to help me through this.
Good health and peace to you all, your humble sister, aamna
Asalam alikum To all, May Allah reward u all the best in this world and Jannat ul Firduas(High grade of paradise) in the Hereafter most.
Sanji, I deleted your post. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn Insha'Allah. Thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam alikum To all my Muslim Brither and Sisiter ,May Allah reward you all the best in this world and Jannat ul Firduas(High grade of paradise) in the Hereafter most, I am facing a difficult situation right now and so confuse that can't find any solution to it. I am praying each and everyday for to look forward for the better solution.
I have some question for you all, don't know if I can get my questions answer on time, if so then it is much better for me for not doing the sin as I am doing each an everyday. I really don't know if I am doing right or wrong, but my problem is very complicated that it's now too far for me to get out of it, please brother and sister show me or help a bit to get out of this problem and show me the better solution. I believe that you may know. I am a married women and the person that is in my life right now I have chosen him for my future husband and I am very happy with him. He has given me more then I have expected, so on he is and we have 5 years old girl . We are living happy , I am fully satisfied with my life , but sudden I meet this guy in social network such as Facebook and we went cheating to talking and each day our time spends talking with each other. I have never realized then what I did, but he was always honest that he even told me before we moved forward that what are we doing is right? Then I was like blind without saying anything, told him let it be what is happening because I can't never lose you. Right then I know and found out that I am so in love with him so as he . We fall in love and this is true love, but then we went a bet crazy from our heart we accepted each other as husband and wife by prove of god, like in the name of Allah and Mohammed SWA (peace be up on him). we became too close as very open and free, because the only way is to contact each other is the phone and the social network. So now when is too late we both came up with the same question as he asked me about almost 2 yrs. ego I believe, that what we are doing is right or wrong? also one thing that i forgot to mention when we accepted each other as husband and wife, I still had relation with my first husband who I really married with the name of Allah and proved as by family wise and the guy I meet in the social network was from heart just accepted without any paper work. And my husband that I am living with now I have physical relationship and living with my family still, but my husband don't know about this yet. We are muslim and we believe that is haram to have relation such thing like this, but we need a solution to solve this out, because it's now to far that we can't live without each other , So my question to you all is that:
1. The relation I have between the guy I meet in the social network even though I am still living with my family, do you think We are doing right thing?
2. Now that it is too late, what is the solution to do because we both can't live without each other?
3. If now that we have done so much sin, do you think we should forget everything and walk out of it and ask for forgiveness from Allah and do you believe he will forgive us?
4. We really can't live without each other but neither my family can live without me, and now that I have to choose between both side him and my family. I don't think I can do that because it is too hard for me, but if I choose my family for sake of our daughter then it will be hard for him to live, what shall I do to make this right?
Really looking forward for your answer please, if you can answer it soon then can help me out from doing sin early as possible, please please. It's really killing me each an everyday.
Thank you ( May Allah Bless You)
Whilst married, how can you assume yourself as a wife of another man too ? surely either you have pshycological issues or something else because this is a great error and sin and no human would say "its right". Secondly, there is no such thing as husband and wife in the name of God and messenger of God. No matter what you do, you both are not married and can never get married. If by any chance you marry him on your own decision by divorcing your husband or getting a second husband secretly, then forget jannah (paradise) infact leave alone paradise because even the smell of paradise is forbidden to you as obviously blazing hell should be the home of great sinners.
Lets put it this way, common sense says that since you are married with a 5 year old daughter, happy life masha'Allah and now you have an extra marital affair that means, you as a wife, is disobidient, not loyal, unfaithful, dishonest, disgusting, dirty woman, betrayer, and a cheater and as a slave of ALlah, you are disobidient, hypocrite, sinner, zulm, transgressor, satan's ally etc and so now, do you think what you are doing is right ? Honestly, no one in this world whether rich or poor, whether litterate or illeterate would ever think it is right. That means you are doing the worst of all sins. A biggest and grave error. Therefore, you may have some serious issues and for all I know, "as you sow, so shall you reap", so get ready to face extremely difficult life ahead so repent before Allah sends His punishment and then you will not be helped by anyone.
Its never too late till angel of death takes your soul away, so the solution is to leave that evil man forever, forget about him and be faithfull to your husband and daughter. Or if you wish, you can divorce your husband and get ready to face the wrath and punishment of Allah as a result jannah (paradise) is forbidden for you and blazing torturous hell is your abode.
Yes, walk out of it, forget everything and sincerely repent and ask Allah for forgiveness and Allah will insha'Allah forgive you. As Allah said, "those who transgressed their own soul, do not despair Allah's mercy for ALlah is oft forgiving"
You do not choose your family for the sake of your daughter only, but you must choose your family as Allah have given you your husband and daughter under Allah's trust in you and so you have no choice now. You have absolutely no choice or decision to make whatsoever , if you choose something against Islam, then surely you chose hell fire and punishments because as a married woman and a mother in your situation, you have no right to divorce and no right to be married again.
That online man is flirting with you knowing that you are married, I bet he also flirts and have relations with other women too. These playboys online are good at that and you have certainly fallen in the trap of satan. Who knows if he's married already or not and keeping it secret just like you do. Who knows if he had intimate physical relationship with other women while searching for easy girls online. How on earth can you trust someone online ?
Any sane human would say that You must be gratefull to Allah. You must thank him for giving you a lovely husband and daughter. You must thank Allah for givig you a blessed life. You must thank Allah for all the blessing you got because there are many muslim sisters who are dying to live a life like yours but you seem to ignore Allah's blessings why ? and do not follow the footsteps of satan. That online man knows you are married and yet he builds a relationship with you, that means he is devil and he is not from our ummah therefore by continuing your illegal, illicit, filthy relationship with him, you are only inviting Allah's punishment and building your home in hell fire. Know that Allah is oft-forgiving and He is also extrmely stern in His punishment and once He issue punishment in this life, then there is no soul on earth that can save you.
So sad that you never loved your husband thw way he love you. This "love" you're experaincing now, is not true love but it is a false love created by satan and you followed satan. This is the reason our prophet said that many of the inhabitant in hell fire are women and one of the main reason is that they are ungratefull to Allah and to their husband. Why can't you be happy with your husband when you have everything in life and is satisfied ? Why do you resort to cheating and betraying ? Don't you fear Allah sister ? Don't you have any feelings for you daughter and husband ? Don't you fear that this world is temporary and soon you will die and the punishment of Allah from the grave to the next life will be experianced by you? Don't you know that pre-marital or extra-marital affairs are forbidden in Islam and it'll lead to worst consequences ? Surely you can't have the best of both world.
So leave him once and forall, its not hard, since you did ths to yourself, now get out of it. whatever he do with his life is none of your concern and business and start praying your regular prayers, do tawbah and obey and love your husband. Just for Allah's sake, delete your facebook, tweeter or any social networking account as it invovles more harm than good. Learn learn learn about Islam.
You and that online man are strangers to each other. He and you are under shaytan hand, so break out of it.
Asalam alikum
Sukhriya sister, thanks a lot to you. You have opened my eyes, I love my husband and my daughter but you are right maybe the devil has got me that made me blind in the days when I meet this guy in social network. But I know him well and I know this guy really Loves me and today we had a long conversation in the call and he has given me the right solution and that was the same as yours that he believe we are doing very big sin and he too believe non other then one almighty Allah. He said to break up this relation and walk out of it and told me to be happy and take care of my family and he will ask for forgiveness from Allah and live his life in the rule of Allah's way. So we took the dicision that we should have taken long time ego that no relation with him and forget everything and ask forgiveness but people do make mistakes when devil catch you and I believe that's what has happened to us ... And Thanks to Allah Almighty that he has shown us the right path before it takes us far and choose the wrong way to hell. I am many thanks to you sister for replaying my message .. Allah bless you and please pray for us that Allah forgive us for our sin that we have done. May Allah show us the light of Islam everyday of our Life. May your family be blessed all the time.
Many many thank you !
Wa'alaykumsalam,
It will do you a world of good and also earn the pleasure of Allah, if you deactivate your social networking accounts and change your mobile number sister. Basically, keep no loose ends to contact that man ever. Keep yourself busy with various stuffs and never ever think of that man and his whereabouts. Worry about yourself whether Allah will forgive you and let Allah deal with that man.
Do not despair of the mercy of Allah and be sincere and steadfast in prayers and repentance. May Allah forgive you and guide you ameen.
"..O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)
And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself, but then seeks forgiveness from Allah, he will find Allah forgiving and merciful. (Surat an-Nisaa 4:110)
Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people. (Surah Yusuf 12:87)
"..Call out to Him with fear and hope..." (Surat al-Araaf 7:56)
Know that Allah is severe in punishment and that Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (Surat al-Maaidah 5:98)
Regards,
Your brother in Islam..
A good response, mashaAllah
Thank you, may Allah bless your heart and soul