Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am passive in our marriage and she is aggressive

Question:

Assalamu Alaikum..  I'm having problems in my marriage. . We're on the brink of divorce.

The main problem is lack of communication. It's me that lack the communicating..  Honestly, I don't know what to say to my wife most of the time and that's bad. I'm passive and she's aggressive. She wants it to be the other way around. She wants me to take total control of everyting. . We don't really do much together.

I desperately want to change this. I NEED HELP. ANY ADVICE.

- Ahmad

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

It sounds as though you are really frustrated with the situation, and that can be a good thing if it impels you to change. Now, the first thing to say is, that you have a particular type of personality, and that will not change, and she has a particular type of personality, and that will not change. What needs to change is your BEHAVIOR, and that is, inshAllah, something you have the power to do.

You need to learn how to communicate with your wife and she with you. If you are on the brink of divorce, then you obviously have not been doing that. Fighting in itself is not terrible, but you must learn how to "fight fair" and not hurt one another with personal attacks. So, how do you do this? First, you define the problem.

You say you are passive. So you could be described as having a laid-back personality. What are the consequences of this? Do you not try hard at work? Do you work? Do you not push yourself to fulfill your obligations as a Muslim and as a husband? Do you wake up for the prayer, or is it your wife who wakes you up? Are you content to follow while she leads? You CAN change your behaviors but it's hard to be specific to tell you what to do since I don't know the details.

So, for yourself, you need to break it down and be specific. Write it down on paper. What are your strengths? These can be things like, I get along with people, I'm the peacemaker among my friends, I don't get rattled by deadlines at work. Have your wife do the same and have her write down her strengths. DON'T show each other the lists at first. Once you are done, then write down the strengths of your spouse. Things like, she really works hard, she's organized, she is on time, she always has a plan. Think about what attracted you to her and how that plays out in your lives. Have her do the same.

Now, get together and compare lists. You may find the things that you think are your strengths are the things that she views as weakness, and vice versa. Talk about this, really talk. Remember that you are dedicated to this person and you want to spend the rest of your life, and your afterlife, with her. You will have to reach out of your comfort zone in order to be this "aggressive", but for things that are important, you can do so.

As you are doing this, do not neglect your daily duties as a Muslim. You as a man are required to work to support your family, and if she works, you have no right to her income. You must pray the five prayers, in the mosque as much as possible, and you must lead your family to pray as well. If you have a hard time getting up in the morning, set an alarm - set two, and put them across the room. Learn how to set the clock so she doesn't have to do it, and don't make it her responsibility to turn the alarms on at night.

You should read the biography of Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, and also of the Companions, the first generations of Muslims, men and women. You must realize that it is your job to lead, and your wife must realize that being a Muslim wife does NOT mean giving up all the reins and letting the man do it all while she sits quietly by. Muslim women should be dynamic and active and have a voice in the household. You two must evaluate each area of your lives and decide who should lead in what area. You work; she makes sure the checking account stays balanced. You mow the lawn; she trims the hedges. You lead, but you always seek her advice, and reserve the right to take it or not after careful consideration. You have to both want to do this. As you say, your marriage is at stake.

The fact that you are reaching out for help convinces me that you honestly want your marriage to succeed. You have written to us; now turn to Allah and ask Him for help, because He can change the hearts. If you dedicate yourself to becoming a stronger Muslim and a better husband, Allah will help you and your wife. You can be a nice, laid-back guy and still reach out and have the energy to do your duty. And once your wife sees you stepping up to the plate, she can relax into a more balanced role and you can become friends, confidants, and partners in marriage. May Allah help you both, Ameen.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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1 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    It sounds as though you are really frustrated with the situation, and that can be a good thing if it impels you to change. Now, the first thing to say is, that you have a particular type of personality, and that will not change, and she has a particular type of personality, and that will not change. What needs to change is your BEHAVIOR, and that is, inshAllah, something you have the power to do.

    You need to learn how to communicate with your wife and she with you. If you are on the brink of divorce, then you obviously have not been doing that. Fighting in itself is not terrible, but you must learn how to "fight fair" and not hurt one another with personal attacks. So, how do you do this? First, you define the problem.

    You say you are passive. So you could be described as having a laid-back personality. What are the consequences of this? Do you not try hard at work? Do you work? Do you not push yourself to fulfill your obligations as a Muslim and as a husband? Do you wake up for the prayer, or is it your wife who wakes you up? Are you content to follow while she leads? You CAN change your behaviors but it's hard to be specific to tell you what to do since I don't know the details.

    So, for yourself, you need to break it down and be specific. Write it down on paper. What are your strengths? These can be things like, I get along with people, I'm the peacemaker among my friends, I don't get rattled by deadlines at work. Have your wife do the same and have her write down her strengths. DON'T show each other the lists at first. Once you are done, then write down the strengths of your spouse. Things like, she really works hard, she's organized, she is on time, she always has a plan. Think about what attracted you to her and how that plays out in your lives. Have her do the same.

    Now, get together and compare lists. You may find the things that you think are your strengths are the things that she views as weakness, and vice versa. Talk about this, really talk. Remember that you are dedicated to this person and you want to spend the rest of your life, and your afterlife, with her. You will have to reach out of your comfort zone in order to be this "aggressive", but for things that are important, you can do so.

    As you are doing this, do not neglect your daily duties as a Muslim. You as a man are required to work to support your family, and if she works, you have no right to her income. You must pray the five prayers, in the mosque as much as possible, and you must lead your family to pray as well. If you have a hard time getting up in the morning, set an alarm - set two, and put them across the room. Learn how to set the clock so she doesn't have to do it, and don't make it her responsibility to turn the alarms on at night.

    You should read the biography of Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, and also of the Companions, the first generations of Muslims, men and women. You must realize that it is your job to lead, and your wife must realize that being a Muslim wife does NOT mean giving up all the reins and letting the man do it all while she sits quietly by. Muslim women should be dynamic and active and have a voice in the household. You two must evaluate each area of your lives and decide who should lead in what area. You work; she makes sure the checking account stays balanced. You mow the lawn; she trims the hedges. You lead, but you always seek her advice, and reserve the right to take it or not after careful consideration. You have to both want to do this. As you say, your marriage is at stake.

    The fact that you are reaching out for help convinces me that you honestly want your marriage to succeed. You have written to us; now turn to Allah and ask Him for help, because He can change the hearts. If you dedicate yourself to becoming a stronger Muslim and a better husband, Allah will help you and your wife. You can be a nice, laid-back guy and still reach out and have the energy to do your duty. And once your wife sees you stepping up to the plate, she can relax into a more balanced role and you can become friends, confidants, and partners in marriage. May Allah help you both, Ameen.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

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