Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am repenting for zina in my past

mercy forgiveness repentance tawbah

Dear good muslim friends,

Please I really need your advice.. And I'm sorry if my english wasnt that good, I come from south asia.

these are my background :

I was born in muslim family but my parents didnt teach me fully about islam. My family didnt adopt discipline of islam, they taught me about whats right & whats wrong but almost never taught me about the reason or why as a muslim we can (or can not) do that. Years ago (from elementry till high school) my mom usually hit me and mocked me everytime I made a mistake and unfortunately it happened almost every week.

in that early age, I felt like I need more love and I found it in a guy who asked me to be his girlfriend.

Mistakes story start :

So the mistakes start after my first love took my virginity (when I was 16 year old), and then we broke up and after that I continued committed Zina to other men, many times.

My condition now :

It's true that I knew more about Islam when I was in University but even after that I still made mistakes (committed Zina).

Now I am  24 year old and I understand lots about Islam (means not only about the good and bad but also about the reason. and about lots of other things). I really really regret with my past. I want to repent. I've googled and asked directly to a sheikh in my country, about this...

The sheikh said the punishment for adultery is 100 lashes but unfortunately there is no countries in this world adopt that law anymore (that's what he said) so he told me to start learning Islam and dakwah with istiqomah to pay my taubah.

My Questions are :

1. How to know my taubah has accepted?

2. I really want to repent but I dont know how to do it.....? does learning Islam and dakwah with istiqomah can fulfill my taubah?

3. I just started my taubah a few days ago, but my heart felt so dark, I know this abit confusing but I felt I empty. really empty, in my heart and in my thought. What to do? I felt Allah angry with me, will Allah accept my taubah?

Please help...

I really really need your help...


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19 Responses »

  1. Asalam.o.alaikum.
    i'm new here, so i don't know how to post a question. i also did something like that in my past. i wasn't islamic at all. i used to be a singer. i met some people last year who were from the music industry. we were a group and we used to go together everywhere. once one of my friend asked me to go to a party with him. ( as i was with them from 3 months so i trusted them alot) i went to a party with him. i never went to any party before. it was kinda alcohlic party. i smoked there for the very first time. he gave me some cookies who were made of drugs ( i came to know about it later) then i don't know what happened to me, i never thought of having physical relationship with someone. he kissed me so many times and he took me to the room. tried to remove my cloths but i did'nt let him do that. he tried to force me but somehow i escaped from there. it wasn't his fault at all. it was all my fault tho. i still repenting and feeling ashamed of what i did in my past. i can't get over it. its killing me from inside. sometimes i wanna die. from the next day i did'nt had any contact with him. that incident has completely changed my life. i quite my music career and did tawbah. started helping others. but that's something which is haunting me from inside.

    • You feel haunted because you were assaulted by someone you trusted. That's a terrible thing to go through. You are not the only one at fault; yes you should not have gone to that place, but this person gave you drugs without your knowledge and then tried to take advantage of your altered state of mind and force himself on you. Alhamdulillah Allah saved you from him, and you are grateful for that. You need to recognize that you were victimized by this man and that he shares the bigger part of the blame; sexual assault is far worse a crime than going into a bar. He is a criminal and I would not be surprised to hear that he has assaulted other girls in this way as well. No one deserves to be treated the way you were by this person. Forgive yourself, recognize that you were not to blame, and Inshallah you will be released from the memory of this nightmare.

  2. Dont ever feel angry whats done is done. Past is the past forget and move forward. Repent and never repeat this sin. Allah forgives no one else has the right to judge you.

  3. Latif ,

    You married your sister to some other man and presented her as chaste women ? What if he comes to know about her past ?

    • To repulse
      Well first off it's between Allah and my sister, but they both ended up having a past. They both shared their past so my response to you is no one should judge anyone only Allah subhanwatala is to don't you think so? You don't even know my sister but the first thing you say is oh to a chaste man I don't know if your male or female who ever you are that was a bit judge mental as Muslims were supposed to help one another not make others feel bad. By your comment that was hurtful, you have no idea what ppl go through or how they feel, my family and I went through a lot. I appreciate if your comment was just curiosity and not to judge my sister cause that's the last thing I would want.

      • I think certain people shouldn't judge instead help one another. I know people make mistakes and life is a test.

        I however would not have a problem being with someone who has a past. May Allah guide all those in need.

      • May Allah swt reward you for your efforts brother. Don't pay any mind to hurtful comments. Some people are more concerned about the forgiveness of others' sins than their own--they seem to think that if they didn't commit such a sin that they are promised Paradise. Some people take comfort in knowing that others would have to suffer and pay for their mistakes. It is a common theme for some.

        In Islam, we know that repentance is there for those who are sincere. And we also know that Allah swt will judge each and everyone of us for He is All-Seeing and All-Hearing. Alhumdulillah. Do not let anyone make you upset.

        • Sorry brother if it looks rude .It was not meant to hurt you ..
          I am just curious to know how these girls will be presented for future .I understand if they have sincerely repented then they will be presented as chaste women ..
          I don't want to judge them but if I want to get married I am not interested in marrying a girl who has this type of post even if she has repented ..If some elders introduce me a similar girl with a chaste label and after marriage i come across her history i will feel like cheated by everybody ...

          I am not judging any one but its my Choice not to marry a girl with past sexual history ..I am sue in Islam you have the right to choose without judging or hurting any one ...

          • Well bottom line is sometimes Allah subhanawatala conceals the past. You may not even know but my sister and her husband didnt share their past till after marriage. They didnt share all details but they both loved someone and it didnt work out. Then after that went to the next person trying to fill that gap of guilt. I am not an expert in the holy Quran but I think I am not sure it says you marry a good hearted person if you are and so forth. Only Allah knows your future but if you dont have a past you might or might not marry a girl with a past. Only Allah knows brother and also what if it was your sister that had a past would you want some guy to reject her even though no ones perfect correct. My sister learned and wishes she can change the past that she was so consumed by for many years. Inshallah youll get a great chaste person since thats what you want. I have a past brother and I married a chaste woman. Am I better or purer no, but in our society the people are over concerned about the woman but honestly when a man does it theres no difference. Wish you the best of luck!

            Latif

          • salam brother
            I personally before marriage have made no mistakes and I am trying to understand you, You say that although you don't want to judge but if a woman married you who had a past, you would be very hurtful. Well maybe you have no past too, which is good and maybe that's the reason why yousay that.I know it's your choice to choose who you would marry so my advice to you is please please do a proper investigation before you marry. Hire a private detective just in case you are cheated.
            I am not being rude but come on people make mistakes no one is perfect.

          • I have never had a relationship, and I would NEVER marry a man who hired a private investigator to delve into my life and see if I had a past. That is an invasion of privacy that is totally unacceptable and I would assume that a man who would take such action is extremely controlling and suspicious in nature, and I would never want to marry someone like that. It's enough for a man to ask about the woman from her friends and community. If he can't trust that, then I doubt he will ever trust her fully.

          • Brother
            I absolutely beleive that if you want to marry a woman with no past (especially if you have none) then you should do everything you can to make sure you know everything about her BEFORE you marry her.... as a comment below has mentioned hire a private investigator if need be... (honestly though i dont know why you should have a problem if she has truly repented... remember Allah may have forgiven her and if He has then how can a mere human being like us judge anyone... however this is your choice and i am no one to offer opinion ).. the only thing i want to say is that whatever you want to find out about her its your responsibility to find out about it before you marry her... she or her family is not obligated to confess anything and if you do find out anything then i also think that it is your islamic duty not to spread that reason about.. you wish not to marry her then do so without telling the world why...
            And most importantly and here is the tough part but i think this is where your true character will cime out... if you find out anything after marriage.. then you have to accept her... no matter what her past has beenno matter how uncomfortable you are brother.. because its marriage and you shoud make it work on present circumstances and not the past.. provided ofcourse she is completely loyal to you after marriage.... because you had the opportunity to find out anything before you married her... so take all precautions before you marry... find out whatever you have to find out before you marry.. Its isnt fair on anyone otherwise.... and i would say this even if the genders were reversed... thats my advice to you...

          • I think thats jumping the gun a bit. I dont the think that this site has changed the defination of piety. Chastity is as it is described in the Quran and should be followed by every true muslim... remember the posts on this site are from people who are suffering abd asking for advice. They are a miniscule percentage of the entire muslim population. And i am sure there are millions and millions of chaste muslim men and woman. And brother have trust in Allah. If you havnt done anything wrong why should anything wrong happen to you? It seems that you are quite convinced that you will find a woman who isnt chaste but you will have to look past it because she has repented and you could possibly be exposed to a std because she may have had multiple partners.... tthats just being paranoid for no reason and if each of us started beleiving that about potential spouses we would never be happy... my only point is that if you are worried (and legitimately so) about your potential wifes past you should find out about it and if you are not happy with someone who may have repented or not then you are absolutely free to not go ahead with the marriage... nobody is asking you to change your definitation of piety... does repentence wipe out every past sin oinkor nit is between the sinner and Allah and you should simply do what you feel is right and correct...

        • And i would not want to marry a man who hired a private investigator either. I agree with NE. That is a womans choice. My point however is that if a man really wants to make sure about a womans plast he should do whatever he wants to before he marries her... and not after. My ex spent a fortune finding about my past after we were married and came to know that i had had a drink with my girlfriends when i was in college. That was a good seven years before and i had not repeted the incident. It was something i already felt sorry for and in so many years didnt even think about it but that became the issue that he took to justify why he was divorcing me.. i only wished that he spent all that money to find out ehatever he wanted to before we were married.. its not fair after you have been married....

          • Yes ..I agree ..It should be done before marriage and not after marriage ..

            Problem is not so clear concepts about chasity to bachelors who are under some false illusion that pious means some one who is very good muslim with no dirty past ..But now concept is clear even a girl/boy might be involved in Zina with opposite sex before marriage but after repentance they are pious now ...

            Once this concept is clear they should straight away ask the person about it before marriage ..Other person should walkaway without disclosing his sin ..

            So this site has helped people in understanding people the concept of pious ...

            So a chaste person means who has repented and not involved in any sins but he/she might have slept with many partners before ..........Only catch is he/she might carry some sexual diseases even if he repented that only Allah knows ..

            So people are right to choose right partner.

          • This is a good point from you
            does repentence wipe out every past sin oinkor nit is between the sinner and Allah

            But as per people from this site once they have repented nobody should doubt them and treat them as pious ...Also as per most of the opinion now they are now fit to marry to good ,pious person .

            Thats why i am telling when concept is not clear to bachelors they will be shocked once they found after marriage that their partner had lot of sex before ...
            For me this site gave the idea that whenever some good elders will introduce a girl as very religious and pious then actually meaning is not exactly the same what i used to think before reading this web site ......

  4. Salam Sister

    My best advice is to you that you have to take action by realizing its wrong and stopping. My dear sister was in your shoes. She was my dear sister literally, and he took her virginity. After that she continued to do wrong because she didnt know how to deal with the guilt. My best advice to you now she is married and that is what stopped her from zina. My best advice to you is to get married, and Allah inshallah will forgive you. No one is to judge you sister, and its best to not talk about it. I realized that was one of her issues was she was constantly talking about it, reliving those horrible moments. She let herself go to someone, trusting them, and that was the biggest mistake of her life. The reason being besides the virginity loss, the humiliation, the confusion, it devastated the whole family. Dont be so harsh on your family, you will come through this and realize your family really loves you. You dont need a man to make you feel complete try to get married and cut off all relations with those men. I know your a grown woman, and you have your own choices but make the better choices. Dont give in to shataan cause of the guilt your better than that. We all make mistakes sister, but its how we learn from it and overcome it correct. So be the best person you can be, I am not saying marriage is the solution to your problem but for my sister it worked for her, from her experience. I wish you the best of luck and stay close to your family, get closer to Allah, and find a hobby. Replace the thoughts of zina, or your past with good deeds. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. life is a test its how you react after the horrible things in life makes you a better person or worse. Have faith, and Ill pray for you inshallah!:) Smile sister, forgive yourself, and let it go.

    Latif

  5. Asalam o Alaikum Sister

    Your confession about something and the guilt which kills you everyday from inside reflects your desire to seek Tubah from ALLAH SWT. Remember, ALLAH is Great and the doors of Tubah are always open.

    I have been in the same shoes for long, but now this guilt kills me everyday from inside. And i am thankful to this guilt which don't leaves me, atleast it keeps me away from bad deeds.

    Please be assured that ALLAH SWT is the most merciful, and would forgive us if we choose the right path and stay firm to it.

    Mahmood

  6. Sister ,

    Below is one good information regarding repentance from islamQA .

    http://islamqa.info/en/46683

    JZK

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