Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am so lonely and hurt

why dont you love me

Asalaam alaykum

I am married to my husband for almost 4years, we are blessed with twins and we never had a relationship before we got married. We met few months after I converted, liked each other and decided to get married within a week. He is from north africa and I am from southern africa and we are staying in south africa.

Marriage was great in the first few months until his friend married a girl from their country. He compared and never had a time for me, we lacked communication coz sometimes when I wanted to talk to him he wouldn't respond or just tell me that I am looking for trouble. After our kids were born they became his friends and I was left emotionally neglected. It's like we no longer know each other anymore, even when we are left just us in the house it's just silence. I have tried to make him talk but he refuses and gets angry at me for nothing. He only talks when he wants something or when he wants to talk about the beauty of his country and its people but if I tell him about mine he seems uninterested. He doesn't want me to take my kids home so they can meet my family, he says my family are kufaar so he doesn't want them to be exposed to such people. We are so different about a lot of things and he is not a kind of person who will want to compromise. I am feeling so lonely with no one to talk to, my parents died long ago, it's my aunt and uncles that are left, I haven't been home for more than 5 years and my family thinks I have abandoned them.

Last year he took himself, his mom and brother for hajj and left me and our kids. When he came back and told me he proposed a girl from his country to be the second wife. I was hurt and I just told him it's fine if that's what he wants, I would cry when I was alone but I kept making dua to Allah to ease my situation. When he call the girl they talk even for ten minutes but with me if he has travelled it's just 1 minute or less. I am so worried that he is going to love the girl more because she is from his country, from the same tribe and same village and they seem to have strong connection on the phone. He sometimes calls the uncles of that girl but has never called mine since he promised to go negotiate with my family. I feel like he is taking advantage of me because he knows I don't have parents and my family are non Muslims. What hurts me most is that it's only five hours drive to my country and eight hours with plane to his country but he doesn't want me to go see my family though he has gone to his country 3 times since we got married. I don't know what to do now coz he even refused to go for marriage counselling.

I feel so lonely and emotionally torn up, even when we have sex I feel like I am raped coz there is no connection, I am just doing it because Allah said women shouldn't refuse. I think I am facially getting ugly because I am always quiet,angry and crying. I literally have no one to talk to, he is supposed to be my friend. I do think of divorce sometimes but I don't want it, I do have hope that one day maybe things will be better but I don't know how because he is a very difficult person. Please advise me, am sorry for long story and bad english!



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13 Responses »

  1. Some men see women as objects rather then human and use religion as a excuse to get married again. If he doesn't support you the way he will to his new wife then you should divorce him.

    He goes for hajj, and comes back announcing he is getting married. Did he go to perform hajj or look for women who he can marry? Who also happen to be non mehram to him. He was most likely in contact with this new girl behind your back.

    He has no right to call your family a kuffar. Only Allah can judge who is a kuffar and who isn't.

  2. Aslm dear sister really feel for you and what going through have sabr make lots of dua pray Allaah will make a way and make it eazy for if I am not mistaken in islam we have to keep and maintain all relations with our family even they non muslim cause only Allaah decide who heart he opens up to accept islam and worship Allaah only we can aslo make dua for them to see the truth try and advice them in a subtle way about islam be caring and obey them but not when it means disobeying Allaah they need to know the boundaries and respect the religion the way you decide to live your life it must be really hard for you to not relate with family members which is really unfair and who knows for how long this chatting with gf been going even if she's from the same country does not make it right I really wish u all the best and u find someone who loves you and treats you well some men of african countries do take advantage of our women and use islam to get away with it he will answer for he's actions one day keep strong sister try to financial prepare yourself or get a job if u don't allready really hope things go well in shaa Allaah.

  3. Just 4 yrs and already he wants a second wife? Sister, if i were you i would divorce him. W/out a shadow of a doubt he was in contact with tht woman even before his "so-called" Hajj travel. I mean i don't understand, how could he hv made a trip to Mecca with his family with the intention of making pilgrimage only 4 him to come back and tell u he wants 2 marry a 2nd wife from his country, tribe & village. Where did he meet such a woman at (who is from his country, tribe, as well as his village)? Hajj? Unless by coincidence, but there stands a possibilty that he may hv lied to u about his Hajj trip. I mean U are his wife, it makes no sense that he could take his mother, and brother to hajj yet leave u behind, women can make Hajj too! He must hv rather gone back to his home country with his mother & brother to pick out a new wife against ur knowledge or his mother must hv already picked her out for him and they were just going back home to do the Nikah. Maybe he has already married her or maybe I may be wrong.

  4. Asalam Alaykum sister.

    I read your story, its not the first time that i heard this kind of story.
    In this situation, you have to be very strong and don't give up about Islam.
    Dont feel that you are alone. Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala is with you. You deserve the paradise.

    Peoples who convert to Islam have a huge status in Islam. Your husband doesnt respect the gift which Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala gave him, you know what the gift is?
    A converted wife to Islam. In the day of Akhirah , he will regret what hes doing to you.

    My advice for you is to dont lose your five daily prayers. Always make your Ibadah for Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala and always follow the sunnah of our prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, always learn your children about sunnah,.
    my sister, you deserve Jannah Al Firdaws. May Allah bless you Ameen

    • zm, on what do you base your claims that a man cannot marry a second wife unless the first one agrees, and that he cannot go for Hajj without his family? Whose fiqh is this?

      Wael Editor

      • I wasnt talking to you
        I was giving an advice to a sister, you dont have to intervene.

        • Yes, and I want to make sure your advice is correct. Based on your juvenile response, I am deleting those portions of your comment.


  5. If a man can be dishonest to his first wife and not tell her about marriage something is truly wrong with that. I do not think that is Islamic truly to be dishonest to the first wife even if legally he does not have to tell the wife. Where are Muslims morals? If men think like this then Muslim women would better off to remain single them marry these dishonest Muslim men who see no need to be honest with their first wives.

  6. Sister you have no time in this life to put up with a bad husband. What about honesty and truthfullness in a marriage? What about harmony and love? Without trust there is nothing in marriage.

  7. You should not feel raped in a marriage and when you do its time to leave!!! Marriage should be about mutual understanding and communication between spouses. There is a misconception in Islam that women should put up with every mistreatment by a man and that men can do second marriages in an irresponsible way. You have rights to be happy in marriage and not to feel raped. I am sorry for your pain. Get out sister and respect yourself and only depend on Allah!!! Women do not have to have a husband . We are strong and can work. Marriage should be a choice to a better life not a miserable life!!!!

  8. ASA sister

    Your story has touched me. Mashalla there is some good advice but i only wanted to add some more tips
    based on how i think you want to solve this problem.
    If i understand correctly you don't want to have a divorce or rather make it the last option and you obviously want to improve your marriage.

    I think fist and foremost you need to be able to priorities your duties as a Muslim,wife and daughter. Allah has rights over you , your husband has rights over you(as do you) and your mother and family have rights over you.

    1) Obeying my husband; Yes you should obey your husband but i agree there are some misconceptions regarding the rights of a man has over his wife. Your husband is obliged to make time for you and your children.Does he pay your allowance, does he please you in bed, is he an attentive father?
    Here is a link from a valid website explaining the wife's rights over her husband.

    2) Allah put jannah under your mothers feet, he made it obligatory to cater your parents and keep family relations, irregardless of them being kafer. Even if your family are pagan worshipers they have rights over you. Remember you should always put Allah fist irregardless of your husband views. You are not allowed to listen to your husband if he goes against Islam. In judgement day , you will be standing alone you cannot use your husband as an excuse.

    3)Think of your children. Are they being treated well by your husband , does he give them the proper Islamic education? Have you benefited from this marriage islamically,a good husband takes you to jannah. This life is too short.

    I know a revert who was in a similar position as you but her husband was not practicing. She thought she could have sabr in the marriage but all of her children have left the religion because of the way their father neglected them and their mother. Do you wish this fate for your kids. Because my dear sister your children have also rights over you.

    Your problem seems to me very complicated i advise you to post this question to the website of the previous link.It is run by scholars and it is in different languages. Or if you are not good with computers here is the link.

    Allah has made Islam easy for us, it is us who are making it difficult. Please remember sister Allah does not test us with more than what we can bear.

  9. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through sister as I can relate of how I have been treated in my past. As my mother always says: Make yourself so strong and successful that a guy wants to be with you, be confident and self- made. No that you arent alone and you deserve nothing but the best. If you are not appreciated and he is not understanding then maybe counseling is an option and if that doesnt work then you obviously deserve someone that will not only understnad you but care for you. Communication is a must. I will pray for you and I hope things get better. tc

  10. Asalam aleykum sister.

    Allah sw dis not say you ahouldnt refuse. Matter fact Allah said you shouldnt feel forced to make love if youre emotionally unstable or feeling some type of way. And your husband has no right to call anyone kufaar. Your husband himself is a muslim because of Allah's mercy. Allah can make him disbelieve anytime and be amongst those who deny Allah. Because denying you is denying Allah. Rasullullah saw said, do not marry two or more wives if you will not treat them the exact same. Rasulullah s.a.w even went ahead and said that he was the best husband amongst his people.

    So listen
    He married you because ...

    1. He was lonely as well and wanted to have sex with a woman not start a family with a woman. We tend to confuse between being alone and feeling lonely.
    2. He married you for the wrong reasons. Now i know this is hard to hear but thats true. Because if he married you for the right reasons even if he proposed or wanted to marry of his 'kind' he couldnt have treated you the way he is treating you
    3. He does not love you at all. And trust me Arabs only want Arabs. The girls can marry anyone but the men will always have an eye for their arab girls.


    Its clear he's lost total interest lets just be clear because he didnt know what he wanted to begin with. We all go through bad life decision making but never knew if it was bad or good for us. I suggest you take care of yourself because there are so many other men out there who are better off understanding and would only want one wife for the rest of their lives.

    May Allah make it easier for and give you all the happiness you need in this life the next and in between. Ameen.

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